M*A*S*H Quotes
Trapper: I guess he's just unstable. You see, he took this weird oath as a young man, never to just stand by and watch people die.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: [looking for maps of the minefield] Why aren't they under "M"?
Radar: Because they're under "B" for "boom."
Radar: Because they're under "B" for "boom."
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: Looks like a pregnant bagpipe.
Trapper: Do bagpipes get pregnant?
Hawkeye: Sure they do, right after they make those funny sounds.
Trapper: Do bagpipes get pregnant?
Hawkeye: Sure they do, right after they make those funny sounds.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: [to Corporal Walker] Are you married?
Corporal Walker: Sort of.
Hawkeye: Sort of married? That's like being sort of a virgin.
Corporal Walker: Sort of.
Hawkeye: Sort of married? That's like being sort of a virgin.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
General Mitchell: Who are you?
Margaret: Majors Burns and Houlihan, sir!
General Mitchell: Which is which?
Hawkeye: Doesn't matter, they're interchangeable.
Margaret: Majors Burns and Houlihan, sir!
General Mitchell: Which is which?
Hawkeye: Doesn't matter, they're interchangeable.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
[Klinger has gone hang-gliding in a housecoat and slippers]
Hawkeye: Did you see that?
Nurse: What?
Hawkeye: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Trapper: Hawkeye, did you see that?
Hawkeye: What did you see?
Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Hawkeye: Did you see that?
Nurse: What?
Hawkeye: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Trapper: Hawkeye, did you see that?
Hawkeye: What did you see?
Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: We've just heard that General Eisenhower's gonna run for president... what some guys won't do to get out of the army.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Radar: [during roll call] Major Frank Marion Burns.
Trapper: [snickers] Marion.
Hawkeye: His folks wanted a boy.
Trapper: [snickers] Marion.
Hawkeye: His folks wanted a boy.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Radar: [at show-end referring to sniper's thinking that he was firing on MacArthur's headquarters] Where do you think you're going to get a MacArthur to show him, for Pete's sake?
[Hawkeye and Trapper dress a sleeping Burns with cap, sunglasses, and corncob pipe]
Frank: [awakening] What's going on?
Hawkeye: You have returned.
[Hawkeye and Trapper dress a sleeping Burns with cap, sunglasses, and corncob pipe]
Frank: [awakening] What's going on?
Hawkeye: You have returned.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: [responding to a plethora or requests for help] My kingdom for an intelligent octopus!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: [on the telephone seeking help] Send me anyone! Jack the Ripper! Anyone who's good with a knife!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: [regarding the requisition of the incubator being denied] We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven.
Captain Sloan: Oh, those I can let you have.
Henry: No kidding! Hey, those would be great on movie nights. You got any pizza requisition forms?
Captain Sloan: Just use the standard S stroke 1798 and write in "Pizza" where it says "Machine Gun".
Captain Sloan: Oh, those I can let you have.
Henry: No kidding! Hey, those would be great on movie nights. You got any pizza requisition forms?
Captain Sloan: Just use the standard S stroke 1798 and write in "Pizza" where it says "Machine Gun".
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Trapper[looking at the dead General Kelly]: He died with his boots on.
Hawkeye: And his socks off.
Hawkeye: And his socks off.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Colonel Wortman: That's not a teddy bear?
Radar: Uh, yes, sir. Regulations against having the real kind.
Radar: Uh, yes, sir. Regulations against having the real kind.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: Thank, you Colonel. Sorry, Captain. Sorry, patient, you have a fever of 109 stroke 10. I'm afraid you can't have an incubator but you can have a pizza with everything on it to go, that is, unless of course you go first.
Henry: Now let's try to stay on the ground, Pierce!
Hawkeye: [to Sloan] Does the book allow us any ground, Captain? If not, then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you all to take a step up!
Trapper: Into Limbo!
Hawkeye: No, you can't have any Limbo. As a matter of fact, you can't have anything stroke nothing unless approved by Stat-quo-pak. Which is enough to make you reach for an airsick bag!
Henry: Now let's try to stay on the ground, Pierce!
Hawkeye: [to Sloan] Does the book allow us any ground, Captain? If not, then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you all to take a step up!
Trapper: Into Limbo!
Hawkeye: No, you can't have any Limbo. As a matter of fact, you can't have anything stroke nothing unless approved by Stat-quo-pak. Which is enough to make you reach for an airsick bag!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: [during a poker game] Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?
Sidney: Sex.
Hawkeye: Why?
Sidney: I don't know, they told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
Hawkeye: Thank you, doctor.
Sidney: I'm taking a five dollar chip. That was a house call.
Sidney: Sex.
Hawkeye: Why?
Sidney: I don't know, they told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
Hawkeye: Thank you, doctor.
Sidney: I'm taking a five dollar chip. That was a house call.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry Blake: Radar, what's going on?
Radar: It's a patient, sir. He blew his cork.
Hawkeye: Sidney, front and center.
Sidney: I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch!
Radar: It's a patient, sir. He blew his cork.
Hawkeye: Sidney, front and center.
Sidney: I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Radar: Uh, sir, if you're thirsty. Compliments of Colonel Blake. Scotch. Gin. Vodka. And for your convenience all in the same bottle.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Trapper: You have a lot of trouble with women, don't you?
Hawkeye: Every chance that I can!
Hawkeye: Every chance that I can!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Trapper: Henry, the guy could have died!
Hawkeye: He was bleeding, Henry. And Frank, here, who studied medicine under General Rommel was too chicken to operate. He was afraid that under anaesthesia the lieutenant might give away Harry Truman's hat size!
Hawkeye: He was bleeding, Henry. And Frank, here, who studied medicine under General Rommel was too chicken to operate. He was afraid that under anaesthesia the lieutenant might give away Harry Truman's hat size!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Margaret: [following Hawkeye's "toast"] I too have a toast. Here's to Captains Pierce and McIntyre. To their all-night binges. To their secret nurse ceremonies. To their planting of microphones in sleeping bags. To their childish switching of names on latrines. All of which goes into my special report to General Mitchell, which culminates in a detailed account of your Thanksgiving "Come As Your Favorite Nude Pilgrim" party.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
[Pierce gives Margaret a shot]
Margaret: Ow! What was that?
Hawkeye: Load of B1. Get you on your feet again.
Margaret: Oh... And I didn't get you anything...
Margaret: Ow! What was that?
Hawkeye: Load of B1. Get you on your feet again.
Margaret: Oh... And I didn't get you anything...
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry: Uh, that, uh, scotch you just poured is rye.
Margaret: That's OK, the champagne I just had was gin.
Margaret: That's OK, the champagne I just had was gin.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry: Why don't you call me Henry, for Pete's sake.
Margaret: [drunk] That's really swell of you, Pete.
Margaret: [drunk] That's really swell of you, Pete.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Duk: One Shirley Temple.
Frank: I've been dying for one of these all day. [drinks] That's very good...
Duk: Kwang Duk, sir.
Frank: That's a cute name.
Duk: We're a cute people.
Frank: I've been dying for one of these all day. [drinks] That's very good...
Duk: Kwang Duk, sir.
Frank: That's a cute name.
Duk: We're a cute people.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Duk: Can I get you something, sir?
Henry: You bet. I'm dying for a banana daiquiri.
Duk: Is that a drink?
Henry: Sure. You just take some bananas, some rum and some cream, and you mix it all in a blender.
Duk: We got no bananas, no blender, and powdered cream.
Henry: Okay, I'll have a beer.
Henry: You bet. I'm dying for a banana daiquiri.
Duk: Is that a drink?
Henry: Sure. You just take some bananas, some rum and some cream, and you mix it all in a blender.
Duk: We got no bananas, no blender, and powdered cream.
Henry: Okay, I'll have a beer.
TV Show: M*A*S*H