M*A*S*H Quotes
[To his son, on the phone.]
Henry: I don't care if she did put an ice cube in your underwear! Girls will do that. You mustn't hit her with the dog! Now until I get back, you're the man of the house. Yes, I know Mommy thinks she is, but you really are!
Henry: I don't care if she did put an ice cube in your underwear! Girls will do that. You mustn't hit her with the dog! Now until I get back, you're the man of the house. Yes, I know Mommy thinks she is, but you really are!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry: I'd be lying if I said I understood that. I'd also be lying if I said I cared.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry: Don't tell me. I don't want to know about it. You guys have my full permission, and I never said that. I mean, I'm not even here, so how could I? Radar!
Radar: Sir?
Henry: Make an entry in the daily report that I wasn't here today, and bring it to me so I can sign it.
Radar: Uh, sir, if you sign it, it'll show you were here.
Henry: Then you sign it for me.
Radar: Yes, sir. Should I sign your name?
Henry: You'll have to, because I'm gonna say it was a forgery.
Radar: Sir?
Henry: Make an entry in the daily report that I wasn't here today, and bring it to me so I can sign it.
Radar: Uh, sir, if you sign it, it'll show you were here.
Henry: Then you sign it for me.
Radar: Yes, sir. Should I sign your name?
Henry: You'll have to, because I'm gonna say it was a forgery.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: [seeing available selections in "nose" catalogue] Gee, I never knew how hard it was to pick a nose.
Robbins: [pointing to one selection] This one paid for two Cadillacs.
Trapper: Now that's what you call "paying through the nose."
Robbins: The wit in this room flows like molasses.
Robbins: [pointing to one selection] This one paid for two Cadillacs.
Trapper: Now that's what you call "paying through the nose."
Robbins: The wit in this room flows like molasses.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
[After Hawkeye tries to say something in Korean]
Captain Pak: Give him a bicarbonate and tell him to stay off his feet.
Hawkeye: Isn't that "Your presence is welcome in our camp"?
Pak: No, it's "Your uncle has gas from eating cabbage."
[After Hawkeye says something else in Korean]
Pak: Sorry to hear that.
Hawkeye: What?
Pak: Your uncle with the gas is now pregnant.
Captain Pak: Give him a bicarbonate and tell him to stay off his feet.
Hawkeye: Isn't that "Your presence is welcome in our camp"?
Pak: No, it's "Your uncle has gas from eating cabbage."
[After Hawkeye says something else in Korean]
Pak: Sorry to hear that.
Hawkeye: What?
Pak: Your uncle with the gas is now pregnant.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Trapper: [listening to Radar play the piano] Hey Radar, don't you know another song?
Hawkeye: He doesn't even know THAT one. [Radar continues to play.] Radar, if you keep this up, you could be arrested for felonious fingering.
Hawkeye: He doesn't even know THAT one. [Radar continues to play.] Radar, if you keep this up, you could be arrested for felonious fingering.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Due to a lack of casualties, tonight's midnight movie will be shown at 9: 00 AM. And midnight has been cancelled.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: [Scrubbing up before returning to the OR.] If my hands could talk, they'd scream. I'm raw from all the scrubbing.
Nurse: Why don't you see a doctor?
Hawkeye: How would you like a swift kiss in the mouth?
Nurse: Why don't you see a doctor?
Hawkeye: How would you like a swift kiss in the mouth?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Frank: [in Henry's office] What if the Minutemen in 1776 had stopped to worry about toilet paper?!
Hawkeye: So we would have had independence 10 minutes later.
Hawkeye: So we would have had independence 10 minutes later.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry: According to Regimental, the fighting shifted to the north and we won't be getting any casualties.
Hawkeye: That's the same Regimental that said to Custer, "One last stand and then you can go home."
Hawkeye: That's the same Regimental that said to Custer, "One last stand and then you can go home."
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Margaret: [Trapper is knocking on Margaret's door, Margaret and Frank are eating a stolen ham] Who is it?
Trapper: The heat inspector!
Frank: You can't come in!
Hawkeye: Then we'll huff, and we'll puff, and we'll blow your nurse down!
Trapper: The heat inspector!
Frank: You can't come in!
Hawkeye: Then we'll huff, and we'll puff, and we'll blow your nurse down!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Mulcahy: Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for seeing us through this day, and ask for Thy divine help for tomorrow.
Hawkeye: Same time, same station.
Hawkeye: Same time, same station.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Frank: I found out something about someone that is very interesting--very interesting.
Trapper: Let us guess.
Hawkeye: Is this person a well-stacked U.S. Army major nurse who's bigger than a breadbox that you're seeing on the side?
Frank: No... [realizes what Hawkeye said] ...no!
Trapper: Let us guess.
Hawkeye: Is this person a well-stacked U.S. Army major nurse who's bigger than a breadbox that you're seeing on the side?
Frank: No... [realizes what Hawkeye said] ...no!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Frank: The man is not normal!
Hawkeye: What's normal, Frank?
Frank: Normal is everybody doing the same thing.
Trapper: What about individuality?
Frank: Well, individuality is fine--as long as we all do it together.
Hawkeye: What's normal, Frank?
Frank: Normal is everybody doing the same thing.
Trapper: What about individuality?
Frank: Well, individuality is fine--as long as we all do it together.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Klinger: [reading an alleged letter from home] "Dear Son--"
Henry: You obviously haven't sent her a recent picture.
Henry: You obviously haven't sent her a recent picture.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry: [pulling out Klinger's file] Here we go. Father dying, right?
Klinger: Yes, sir.
Henry: [going through letters in Klinger's file] Father dying, last year. Mother dying, last year. Mother and father dying. Mother, father, and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: half of the family dying, other half pregnant. [puts file down] Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Klinger: Yes sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.
Klinger: Yes, sir.
Henry: [going through letters in Klinger's file] Father dying, last year. Mother dying, last year. Mother and father dying. Mother, father, and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: half of the family dying, other half pregnant. [puts file down] Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Klinger: Yes sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Flagg: It all depends on HQ.
Henry: HQ.
Flagg: Why did you say HQ? Whoever told you about HQ?
Henry: Well, you told me, Colonel Flagg.
Flagg: Who's Colonel Flagg?
Henry: HQ.
Flagg: Why did you say HQ? Whoever told you about HQ?
Henry: Well, you told me, Colonel Flagg.
Flagg: Who's Colonel Flagg?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Pratt: [referring to Flagg] Another time, he crashed his Jeep into a wall and set himself on fire.
Hawkeye: Is this guy available for kids' parties?
Hawkeye: Is this guy available for kids' parties?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
General Steele: War and whiskey don't mix! General Grant kept throwing up on his bugler.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
General Steele: I predict an early end to this war, if it doesn't rain and we get all wet.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: Look, you're doing something really decent in the middle of a giant indecency. Don't endanger nine men because one idiot wants to do his General Custer impression.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Frank: When are you gonna learn about Chinese treachery? Didn't Pearl Harbor teach you anything?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Margaret: Captain Pierce! Major Burns, acting Commander, and I, his adjutant, have been informed that you and Captain McIntyre refused to release Colonel Flagg's prisoner.
(silence)
Hawkeye: Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp in the woods, is lying in a ditch at the edge of town.
(silence)
Hawkeye: Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp in the woods, is lying in a ditch at the edge of town.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: I just don’t know why they’re shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Sidney: Some patients insist on dying, Hawk. You knew that going in. But you had to be a doctor.
Hawkeye: I didn't have a choice, it's all ever I cared about, all I ever wanted to do. Sometimes I think I'd be more useful as a cocktail waitress.
Sidney: You haven't got the legs for it.
Hawkeye: I didn't have a choice, it's all ever I cared about, all I ever wanted to do. Sometimes I think I'd be more useful as a cocktail waitress.
Sidney: You haven't got the legs for it.
TV Show: M*A*S*H