Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
Lois: WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!!!
Victor: We can't be sure.
Reese: Grandpa gave me a grenade and it was going to go off. But Malcolm threw it in the fridge.
Victor: We can't be sure.
Reese: Grandpa gave me a grenade and it was going to go off. But Malcolm threw it in the fridge.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: You brought a live grenade into my home. ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?!!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: What's going on?
Reese: Grandpa gave me a live grenade. It's really cool. You wanna hold it?!
Victor: No, no, no! It's for you, not him.
Malcolm: Oh my God! We have to call the police!
Victor: No! No police! No police, please! There's no reason to panic.
Malcolm: Yes, there is! You gave Reese a live grenade and he's a total idiot!
Reese: He's right. I am. I don't think I should have it anymore. Here!
Reese: Grandpa gave me a live grenade. It's really cool. You wanna hold it?!
Victor: No, no, no! It's for you, not him.
Malcolm: Oh my God! We have to call the police!
Victor: No! No police! No police, please! There's no reason to panic.
Malcolm: Yes, there is! You gave Reese a live grenade and he's a total idiot!
Reese: He's right. I am. I don't think I should have it anymore. Here!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Victor: No, this is live grenade. Do not let go of the handle, or we will die!
Reese: I don't want to die!
Victor: Don't worry, we must find the key and put the key back in, and everything would be fine.
(The key breaks; the two of them are shocked)
Reese: I don't want to die!
Victor: Don't worry, we must find the key and put the key back in, and everything would be fine.
(The key breaks; the two of them are shocked)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Victor: Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?
Hal: Please. I know you're uncomfortable loaning to family, so let me be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for is not a loan. It's blackmail.
Ida: He's like your cousin Vaslefdt all over again.
Hal: Please. I know you're uncomfortable loaning to family, so let me be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for is not a loan. It's blackmail.
Ida: He's like your cousin Vaslefdt all over again.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Well, knock yourself out. My record is clean.
[Scene changes to the police officer arresting Lois.]
Lois: There is no way I have 16 unpaid parking tickets! The computer's wrong! You are not getting away with this!
[Scene changes to the police officer arresting Lois.]
Lois: There is no way I have 16 unpaid parking tickets! The computer's wrong! You are not getting away with this!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: I am not taking traffic school.
Hal: Honey, if you don't take traffic school, you'll get a point in your license.
Lois: I'm not getting a point in my license because I'm taking this to court. I did nothing wrong and I got three eyewitnesses to prove it. They saw exactly what happened.
[The camera comes up to Reese and flashbacks]
Lois: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
[as Lois is saying "blah," Reese is taking gum off his shoe. The camera comes up to Malcolm and flashbacks]
Lois: Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack...
[As Lois continues quacking, Malcolm is drawing a pirate on his arm. The camera comes up to Dewey and flashbacks]
Lois: Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey...
[As Lois is saying his name, Dewey is driving the wheel as Lois is in the passenger's seat.]
Malcolm, Reese, & Dewey: You're right, mom!
Hal: Honey, if you don't take traffic school, you'll get a point in your license.
Lois: I'm not getting a point in my license because I'm taking this to court. I did nothing wrong and I got three eyewitnesses to prove it. They saw exactly what happened.
[The camera comes up to Reese and flashbacks]
Lois: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
[as Lois is saying "blah," Reese is taking gum off his shoe. The camera comes up to Malcolm and flashbacks]
Lois: Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack...
[As Lois continues quacking, Malcolm is drawing a pirate on his arm. The camera comes up to Dewey and flashbacks]
Lois: Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey...
[As Lois is saying his name, Dewey is driving the wheel as Lois is in the passenger's seat.]
Malcolm, Reese, & Dewey: You're right, mom!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: I don't understand it. How can we get 16 unpaid parking tickets and not even know about it?
[The scene switches to Francis on the phone at Marlin Academy.]
Francis: Mom, just calm down.
Lois: I was in jail, Francis. Jail, all because you didn't pay your parking tickets. How could you gotten 16 parking tickets?
Francis: It's not my fault, you keep me stuck here. When I come home, I have so much living to do, I don't have time to look for legal parking.
Lois: You listen mister. Your irresponsible behavior has finally caught up to you and you are going to suffer the consequences. You are paying those parking tickets.
[The scene switches to Francis on the phone at Marlin Academy.]
Francis: Mom, just calm down.
Lois: I was in jail, Francis. Jail, all because you didn't pay your parking tickets. How could you gotten 16 parking tickets?
Francis: It's not my fault, you keep me stuck here. When I come home, I have so much living to do, I don't have time to look for legal parking.
Lois: You listen mister. Your irresponsible behavior has finally caught up to you and you are going to suffer the consequences. You are paying those parking tickets.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[After Lois tells Francis that he owes the family $747.13 for the unpaid parking tickets.]
Francis: This is totally unfair! None of this would've happened if you weren't such a reckless driver!
Lois: Excuse me??!!
Francis: When I park too close to a mailbox, I didn't endanger anyone's life.
Lois: I didn't endanger anyone. I was pulled over by a corrupt cop for a traffic violation that I didn't commit!
Francis: This is totally unfair! None of this would've happened if you weren't such a reckless driver!
Lois: Excuse me??!!
Francis: When I park too close to a mailbox, I didn't endanger anyone's life.
Lois: I didn't endanger anyone. I was pulled over by a corrupt cop for a traffic violation that I didn't commit!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: That cop was out to get me!
Francis: Of course he was. Everyone's out to get you. And the neighbor's cat's the ringleader. Didn't you know that?
Lois: Ha-ha, you can laugh all you want, Francis. But until you come up with the money, you are not coming home.
Francis: Where am I supposed to get $700. You're just using this to keep me here.
Lois: Yeah, that's right. It was the cat's idea.
Francis: Of course he was. Everyone's out to get you. And the neighbor's cat's the ringleader. Didn't you know that?
Lois: Ha-ha, you can laugh all you want, Francis. But until you come up with the money, you are not coming home.
Francis: Where am I supposed to get $700. You're just using this to keep me here.
Lois: Yeah, that's right. It was the cat's idea.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: Oh, but when I say I've been framed by the police, you sent me to military school. Ironic, isn't it?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Anything you break comes out of your allowance!
Reese: We don't get an allowance!
Lois: Well, now you know why!
Reese: We don't get an allowance!
Lois: Well, now you know why!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Francis, I am not gonna let you weasel out of your responsibility. Because of you, we are done to one car until your father gets his next paycheck. Now you either come up with the money, or you don't come home.
Francis: Mom, its impossible. I'm in school. When I'm not in school, I have homework. When I'm not doing homework, I'm in detention. If I'm lucky, I have six hours free a week. At minimum wage, I wouldn't be able to make it home until Thanksgiving 2010.
Lois: You bring the yams. [hangs up]
Francis: Mom, its impossible. I'm in school. When I'm not in school, I have homework. When I'm not doing homework, I'm in detention. If I'm lucky, I have six hours free a week. At minimum wage, I wouldn't be able to make it home until Thanksgiving 2010.
Lois: You bring the yams. [hangs up]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm (sees the tape): Oh, my God! I can't believe it. Mom's... wrong.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: Remember when I took that comedy traffic school? God, that was hilarious. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister come to a four-way stop...
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: Someone's got to gi...
Reese: Not it!
Malcolm: Well, then, someone can mail it to her any...
Reese: Not it!
Malcolm: Well, someone's got to be the person to...
Reese: Not it!
Malcolm: ... not give it to her!
Reese: I'm it!
Malcolm: HAHA! ... Oh
Reese: Not it!
Malcolm: Well, then, someone can mail it to her any...
Reese: Not it!
Malcolm: Well, someone's got to be the person to...
Reese: Not it!
Malcolm: ... not give it to her!
Reese: I'm it!
Malcolm: HAHA! ... Oh
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: The tape is wrong. (gets up and leaves)
Malcolm: Dad?
Hal: You heard your mother. The tape... is... OH! (gets up towards Lois)
Malcolm: Dad?
Hal: You heard your mother. The tape... is... OH! (gets up towards Lois)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(Dewey walks up to the police car)
Lois: Dewey, it’s going to okay. Mommy is...
Dewey: Can you turn on the siren?
Cop: Sure. (turns it on)
Dewey: Yeah! [imitates siren]
Lois: Dewey, it’s going to okay. Mommy is...
Dewey: Can you turn on the siren?
Cop: Sure. (turns it on)
Dewey: Yeah! [imitates siren]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois (to the boys after they got pulled over): No one make piggy noises, no one say they smell bacon, and no one claim that they're kidnapped.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal [to Craig about the security tape]: You will never mention a word of this to Lois.
Craig: But...
Hal: Uh Uh. Not one single word.
Dewey (comes up close): Got it?
Craig: But...
Hal: Uh Uh. Not one single word.
Dewey (comes up close): Got it?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal [to Lois]: I got to admit, it was sexy. Me having to bail you out of jail. (Lois looks at Hal) Well, it was sexy for me.
Lois: Oh, yeah, Hal. That was a real turn on.
Lois: Oh, yeah, Hal. That was a real turn on.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: [To audience] Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.
[Reese takes tub of popcorn from Malcolm.]
Reese: Gimme that!
Lois: Oh my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill! I can't imagine how much it would've cost if he'd actually gotten the surgery.
Hal: Well, there goes our summer vacation.
Dewey: So we have to pay, even though he was faking?
Malcolm: I wasn't faking! I was the one who found out they were wrong.
Reese: Well, if you're so smart, why didn't you figure it out sooner?
[Everyone stares at Malcolm]
Hal: Well, son, would you like to field that one for us?
Malcolm: [To audience] Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital!
[Reese takes tub of popcorn from Malcolm.]
Reese: Gimme that!
Lois: Oh my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill! I can't imagine how much it would've cost if he'd actually gotten the surgery.
Hal: Well, there goes our summer vacation.
Dewey: So we have to pay, even though he was faking?
Malcolm: I wasn't faking! I was the one who found out they were wrong.
Reese: Well, if you're so smart, why didn't you figure it out sooner?
[Everyone stares at Malcolm]
Hal: Well, son, would you like to field that one for us?
Malcolm: [To audience] Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: Mom, my stomach hurts.
Reese: So does mine!
Malcolm: I'm not kidding, it's really sore.
Reese: Owwwww... it hurts.
Malcolm: Shut up, Reese.
Reese: I see spots! Mommy!
Lois: Alright! That's enough! I don't care what assignment you didn't do or what test you didn't study, you're still going to school.
Hal: You know, now you mentioned it...
Lois: Everybody's going!
Reese: So does mine!
Malcolm: I'm not kidding, it's really sore.
Reese: Owwwww... it hurts.
Malcolm: Shut up, Reese.
Reese: I see spots! Mommy!
Lois: Alright! That's enough! I don't care what assignment you didn't do or what test you didn't study, you're still going to school.
Hal: You know, now you mentioned it...
Lois: Everybody's going!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: Dewey, don't be frightened, but there's a spider next to you.
Dewey: Yeah, Dad. There's always a spider on Bacon Day.
Dewey: Yeah, Dad. There's always a spider on Bacon Day.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: Why do I have to stay in the kids' ward?
Lois: I'm sorry, honey, but you're six months too young to have an adult room.
Reese: I hear if you're really good, they'll put apple juice in your sippy cup.
Lois: I'm sorry, honey, but you're six months too young to have an adult room.
Reese: I hear if you're really good, they'll put apple juice in your sippy cup.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Reese, give your brother a hug.
Reese: Aw, mom?
Lois: Do it!
Reese: (gives Malcolm a hug) If you tell anyone I hugged you, I'm putting you back in here.
Reese: Aw, mom?
Lois: Do it!
Reese: (gives Malcolm a hug) If you tell anyone I hugged you, I'm putting you back in here.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Cadet Finley: I can't take this anymore. If I don't eat, I'm gonna pass out!
Cadet Drew: Yeah.
Cadet Finley: Who are you?
Cadet Drew: I'm your roomate.
Cadet Drew: Yeah.
Cadet Finley: Who are you?
Cadet Drew: I'm your roomate.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: The strike has been settled! (the cadets cheer) We got his magic hat!
Eric: What about the TV?
Francis: Huh?
Eric: What about the TV?
Francis: Huh?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle