Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
Dewey [while playing a board game]: Hey, we look like the family on the box. (the family agrees) Can I be the little girl?
Hal: Not on my watch, son.
Hal: Not on my watch, son.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal [to Malcolm]: Whatcha' doing there, son?
Malcolm: I have to prove Kepler's Third Law of Motion.
Hal: What's Dewey doing?
Malcolm: Coloring.
Hal: I better get in there.
Malcolm: I have to prove Kepler's Third Law of Motion.
Hal: What's Dewey doing?
Malcolm: Coloring.
Hal: I better get in there.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: Reese, do you know what empathy is?
Reese: No.
Hal: Well, empathy is putting yourself in other people's shoes so you can feel what they do. If you hurt someone, empathy makes you hurt as well.
Reese: Then why would you want empathy?
Reese: No.
Hal: Well, empathy is putting yourself in other people's shoes so you can feel what they do. If you hurt someone, empathy makes you hurt as well.
Reese: Then why would you want empathy?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Eric: (seeing Francis' notes, which is a little sheet of paper) That's your half? (picks up a book) THIS IS MY HALF!!!!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Mr. Woodward, Reese's history teacher: I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese.
Lois: You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese. Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to junior college or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.
Woodward: I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.
[Francis appears in the window, pressed against the glass, while rain pours down and lightning flashes.]
Francis: Mom, please let me come home! I'm cold and I'm hungry! Please, I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house! I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom! Please, I wanna be warm again! MOM, PLEASE! (sobbing)
[Lois smiles victoriously. Woodward looks rather apprehensive.]
Woodward: Maybe we can work something out.
Lois: You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese. Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to junior college or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.
Woodward: I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.
[Francis appears in the window, pressed against the glass, while rain pours down and lightning flashes.]
Francis: Mom, please let me come home! I'm cold and I'm hungry! Please, I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house! I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom! Please, I wanna be warm again! MOM, PLEASE! (sobbing)
[Lois smiles victoriously. Woodward looks rather apprehensive.]
Woodward: Maybe we can work something out.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: [goes back to a photo booth near the door] Reese, get out of the photo booth.
[Reese peeks out jut in time to see the large man that he threw a bowling ball at, intending for Malcolm, waiting for him. He inserts a dollar bill in the booth]
Reese: You probably want your privacy. I'll get out of your way.
[The large man pushes him back into the photo booth. Reese is heard screaming as he is getting his ass kicked with photos to prove it.]
[Reese peeks out jut in time to see the large man that he threw a bowling ball at, intending for Malcolm, waiting for him. He inserts a dollar bill in the booth]
Reese: You probably want your privacy. I'll get out of your way.
[The large man pushes him back into the photo booth. Reese is heard screaming as he is getting his ass kicked with photos to prove it.]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Dewey fakes crying to Lois as she walks towards his room carrying a laundry basket.]'
Lois: : Not Buying It.
Lois: : Not Buying It.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: How am I ever gonna decide which one of you to take?
Malcolm: You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?
Francis: No. Of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me, but I bet one of you loves me a little bit more.
[Malcolm and Reese look dejected]
Francis: Come on, guys! It's Rage in the Cage. You should be happy!
Reese: We are happy!
Francis: You're not doing the happy dance.
Malcolm: You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?
Francis: No. Of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me, but I bet one of you loves me a little bit more.
[Malcolm and Reese look dejected]
Francis: Come on, guys! It's Rage in the Cage. You should be happy!
Reese: We are happy!
Francis: You're not doing the happy dance.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Officer: There's no sign of forced-entry. You don't have any idea how they could have got inside?
Hal: It's a mystery.
Dewey: You left the window open.
Hal: ...Mystery solved!
Officer: What are you doing here again?
Hal: We're watching the owner's cat.
Officer: I don't see a cat.
Hal: We're not doing a very good job.
Hal: It's a mystery.
Dewey: You left the window open.
Hal: ...Mystery solved!
Officer: What are you doing here again?
Hal: We're watching the owner's cat.
Officer: I don't see a cat.
Hal: We're not doing a very good job.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Francis and his date are pulled over by a police officer.]
Officer 2: License and registration, please.
Francis: Officer, what did I do?
Officer 2: This car was reported stolen.
Francis: Oh, it's been reported stolen, huh?
[digs into wallet to find nothing but a small slip saying "It Gets Worse!"]
Officer 2: I'm not gonna ask you again.
Francis: Sir, I know this looks bad...
[Francis and the cop hears banging in the trunk]
Officer 2: Open the trunk!
Francis: Officer, let me explain...
Officer 2: OPEN THE TRUNK!!!!
[Francis unlocks the trunk as the officer opens it and finds Malcolm & Reese in the back tied up]
Officer 2: GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!!!!!
Officer 2: License and registration, please.
Francis: Officer, what did I do?
Officer 2: This car was reported stolen.
Francis: Oh, it's been reported stolen, huh?
[digs into wallet to find nothing but a small slip saying "It Gets Worse!"]
Officer 2: I'm not gonna ask you again.
Francis: Sir, I know this looks bad...
[Francis and the cop hears banging in the trunk]
Officer 2: Open the trunk!
Francis: Officer, let me explain...
Officer 2: OPEN THE TRUNK!!!!
[Francis unlocks the trunk as the officer opens it and finds Malcolm & Reese in the back tied up]
Officer 2: GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!!!!!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: What's the matter, Craig?
Craig: What does it say on this jar?
Lois: "Craig."
Craig: Well I'm glad someone around here can read. The jar holds fourteen pickles. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today, and one and a half for snack. And now there are six and a half pickles in this jar. Simple math indicates...
Lois: Are you counting the one in your hand?
Craig: Ok, false alarm.
Craig: What does it say on this jar?
Lois: "Craig."
Craig: Well I'm glad someone around here can read. The jar holds fourteen pickles. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today, and one and a half for snack. And now there are six and a half pickles in this jar. Simple math indicates...
Lois: Are you counting the one in your hand?
Craig: Ok, false alarm.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: So, according to your logic, a two-foot fall from a mini-bike is more dangerous than a six-foot fall from a galloping horse?
Lois: That was a long time ago.
Malcolm: Before... gravity?
Lois: That was a long time ago.
Malcolm: Before... gravity?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Craig: (turns the truck on) I don't know why we have to go across town. It seems kind of silly.
Malcolm: Craig, I promise. It's the best ice cream in town.
Craig: Well, I'll be the judge of that.
[backs up the truck and runs over something, making a loud thud; he stops the truck]
Craig: What was that?!
[Dewey moves a rock out of the driveway to fool Craig into thinking that it was Reese's leg that he ran over]
Reese: (non-emotional) Ow! Ow, my leg! Ow! Ow!
[Dewey rolls eyes and hits Reese's bump. He begins sobbing and screaming]
Craig: : (quickly gets out of his truck, panicking) Oh, my God, what did I do?!
Malcolm: You ran over his leg!
Craig: Oh, no!
Lois: (runs outside) What happened? (sees Reese injured) Oh, my God, Reese!
[Reese continues sobbing loudly as Malcolm & Dewey look at each other and smile as their plan worked]
Malcolm: Craig, I promise. It's the best ice cream in town.
Craig: Well, I'll be the judge of that.
[backs up the truck and runs over something, making a loud thud; he stops the truck]
Craig: What was that?!
[Dewey moves a rock out of the driveway to fool Craig into thinking that it was Reese's leg that he ran over]
Reese: (non-emotional) Ow! Ow, my leg! Ow! Ow!
[Dewey rolls eyes and hits Reese's bump. He begins sobbing and screaming]
Craig: : (quickly gets out of his truck, panicking) Oh, my God, what did I do?!
Malcolm: You ran over his leg!
Craig: Oh, no!
Lois: (runs outside) What happened? (sees Reese injured) Oh, my God, Reese!
[Reese continues sobbing loudly as Malcolm & Dewey look at each other and smile as their plan worked]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Craig: (leaving) Jellybean and I are leaving now. Once again, I'm very sorry. I can't even look you people in the eye.
[Once gone, Lois decides to call it even knowing her sons' plans got Craig out of the house.]
[Once gone, Lois decides to call it even knowing her sons' plans got Craig out of the house.]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, puppies, ice cream, fat people falling over.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: When your TV privileges are taken away, you have to do something for entertainment. This is totally a trade-up.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: [after realising that Malcolm and Reese lied to them] Hal, get my bra!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: Ha ha. Stupid bug.
[Reese touches the bug zapper]
Reese: OW! OW! YOU STUPID... [Punches the bug zapper] OW!!
[Reese touches the bug zapper]
Reese: OW! OW! YOU STUPID... [Punches the bug zapper] OW!!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: [on the phone with Francis] Absolutely not, Francis.
Francis: You're not listening, I could make $45. That more than what you or dad make.
Lois: You are going to graduate from high school.
Francis: Why spend the tuition? It's at total waste of money and we both know I'm failing.
[All is quiet for a moment.]
Francis: Ok, now we both know.
Francis: You're not listening, I could make $45. That more than what you or dad make.
Lois: You are going to graduate from high school.
Francis: Why spend the tuition? It's at total waste of money and we both know I'm failing.
[All is quiet for a moment.]
Francis: Ok, now we both know.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: [Reading a document from the mail] Oh my god. It's Francis. He quit school. He's on his way to Alaska.
Hal: That's impossible, he just can't take himself out of school. He needs out permission.
Lois: No, he doesn't. [shows a legal document] He got himself Emancipated.
Hal: That's impossible, he just can't take himself out of school. He needs out permission.
Lois: No, he doesn't. [shows a legal document] He got himself Emancipated.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: [Has just arrived home just in time by jumping over the fence to catch the boys with fireworks] BOYS!!! FIREWORKS!! FIREWORKS!!!
Reese: How did she?!
Malcolm: I don't know.
Lois: You boys are in so much trouble. I can't leave you alone for one second. I guess next time I go out, I'll have to chain you to the floor and tie you in the haven. You don't even pretend to listen. You might as well cut off your ears and throw them in the trash for as long as you use them. You are grounded for the next month!
[a police helicoper approaches Lois]
Pilot: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!
[An arrested Lois continues punishing the boys as she gets on the ground.]
Lois: While you're being punished, I hope your friends are doing all sorts of fun stuff. BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE DOING ANY OF IT! YOU ARE GONNA SUFFER!
Reese: How did she?!
Malcolm: I don't know.
Lois: You boys are in so much trouble. I can't leave you alone for one second. I guess next time I go out, I'll have to chain you to the floor and tie you in the haven. You don't even pretend to listen. You might as well cut off your ears and throw them in the trash for as long as you use them. You are grounded for the next month!
[a police helicoper approaches Lois]
Pilot: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!
[An arrested Lois continues punishing the boys as she gets on the ground.]
Lois: While you're being punished, I hope your friends are doing all sorts of fun stuff. BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE DOING ANY OF IT! YOU ARE GONNA SUFFER!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: [drunk as she pours herself another glass of wine] So I come home from working a 10-hour shift and I see my boys. And they're covered in grass and and they're covered in paint. And they look at and all they could say is "Where's Dinner!!!"
[The women agree as Karen opens another's wine bottle]
[The women agree as Karen opens another's wine bottle]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: You're not going anywhere. You're going to stay in your room with the door shut. Now Go!
[Malcolm, Reese and Dewey runs back into their room.]
[Malcolm, Reese and Dewey runs back into their room.]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: If it weren't for me, my family would be naked, in trees and eating berries. Do they appreciate what I do for them? Nooooooo!!!
Karen: Lillian Miller's family just surprised her with a trip to Spain.
[The women are more upset]
Karen: Lillian Miller's family just surprised her with a trip to Spain.
[The women are more upset]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: You know ladies, I just realises something. Society isn't the thing that's making us miserable. I mean hell, we're society.
[The women cheered.]
Lois: No. No. Every single one of our problems can be traced back to that tight ass, overacheiving, marathon running, master chef: LILLIAN MILLER!
[Lois and the other drunk women walks down to Lillian's house]
[The women cheered.]
Lois: No. No. Every single one of our problems can be traced back to that tight ass, overacheiving, marathon running, master chef: LILLIAN MILLER!
[Lois and the other drunk women walks down to Lillian's house]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: I expect perfect behavior out of you boys tonight. Trust me, if you try anything, anything at all, I'll be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: You've just got to calm down, turn off your brain.
Malcolm: You can't just turn off your brain.
Reese: Sure you can! I do it all the time. Just watch...
Malcolm: [snorts] This is so stupid. You can't turn off your...
[Reese stands slack-jawed, staring blankly]
Malcolm: Reese? ... Reese!
[Reese wakes from his daze and holds his forehead]
Reese: Oh, man, how long was I out?
Malcolm: You can't just turn off your brain.
Reese: Sure you can! I do it all the time. Just watch...
Malcolm: [snorts] This is so stupid. You can't turn off your...
[Reese stands slack-jawed, staring blankly]
Malcolm: Reese? ... Reese!
[Reese wakes from his daze and holds his forehead]
Reese: Oh, man, how long was I out?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: We're not getting a saddle. This was just a mistake from the beginning.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle