Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
[Stevie makes his first prank phone call]
Stevie [faking a British accent]: Hello?... Is your... refrigerator... [normal voice] Yeah, it's me... [hangs up]
Stevie [faking a British accent]: Hello?... Is your... refrigerator... [normal voice] Yeah, it's me... [hangs up]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: [horrified] They put you in with the Buseys?
Dewey: [sarcastically] Yeah, it's real interesting! Today, we learned about our greatest enemies: Mr Matches and Mr Talk-out-of-turn! [angrily] Oh, and I also got to see a crane lower a flight simulator into the Krelboyne class!
Malcolm: Oh, my God! Does Mom know?
Dewey: You're still alive... so, no.
Dewey: [sarcastically] Yeah, it's real interesting! Today, we learned about our greatest enemies: Mr Matches and Mr Talk-out-of-turn! [angrily] Oh, and I also got to see a crane lower a flight simulator into the Krelboyne class!
Malcolm: Oh, my God! Does Mom know?
Dewey: You're still alive... so, no.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: I gave him some food coloring and told him they were chemicals.
Reese: Guys! I made an incredible discovery! When you mix together blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! [Holds up a test tube full of green liquid] I shall call it...blellow!
Reese: Guys! I made an incredible discovery! When you mix together blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! [Holds up a test tube full of green liquid] I shall call it...blellow!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: You know what else is strange.
Lois: What.
Malcolm: Have you heard a brid or a cricket or anything in the last two minutes?
Lois: No, everything has gone quiet as a graveyard.
[Lois and Malcolm turn around and gets scared to see an enraged Ida at Sylvia's doorstep]'
Ida: JUDAS!!!!!
Lois: What.
Malcolm: Have you heard a brid or a cricket or anything in the last two minutes?
Lois: No, everything has gone quiet as a graveyard.
[Lois and Malcolm turn around and gets scared to see an enraged Ida at Sylvia's doorstep]'
Ida: JUDAS!!!!!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: [first line as he confronts Betsy the Cow and Thunder the Horse for sharing a stall.] Guys look, I like you both. You work hard, but you gotta realise how other people see this relationship. Dude Ranches have a lot of conservative customers so even though I personally don't have a problem with you two as a couple, this has to stop.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Can he at least put some pants on?
Cop: Not until we get a good perp walk out of him.
Cop: Not until we get a good perp walk out of him.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: You know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, then injects it full of larvae? It stays alive for weeks, completely aware, feeling every little bite as the larvae devour it from the inside. I sat in a cubicle every day envying that caterpillar, 'cause at least he got to be on TV.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: [shows Malcolm a legal document.] Malcolm, we need to talk. I know we've been avoiding this, but it's time to face facts. You should forge dad's signature declaring mom mentally incompetent. That way when dad goes to jail, you can get emancipated and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie.
Dewey: Strange, I figure mom for jail and dad for the looney bin. Life.
Dewey: Strange, I figure mom for jail and dad for the looney bin. Life.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Reese is parachuting into a combat zone in Afghanistan]
Reese: I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine. I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine. I'm a robot. Robots are cool. Green Lantern fought a robot. I love Green Lantern. I love pie. Mmmmmm, pie. Wait why am I thinking about pie? I'm supposed to be thinking about something else. Does it rhyme with pie? Fly, by, cry, die, pie? Pie! No. Pie, Green Lantern, Fighting robot, fighting machine, me. I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine. I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine.
Reese: I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine. I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine. I'm a robot. Robots are cool. Green Lantern fought a robot. I love Green Lantern. I love pie. Mmmmmm, pie. Wait why am I thinking about pie? I'm supposed to be thinking about something else. Does it rhyme with pie? Fly, by, cry, die, pie? Pie! No. Pie, Green Lantern, Fighting robot, fighting machine, me. I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine. I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: The Army. What do you expect from people who would give Reese a gun?
Lois: Oh that's right it's the Army's fault that your brother gets killed.
Hal: Now Lois, we can't blame Malcolm for stealing Reese's girl and causing this whole mess in the first place.
Malcolm: Huh?
Hal: Kids his age are nothing but raging hormones and hideous self-involvement. They are all immoral little creeps.
Lois: Don't defend him, Hal. Just help me make dinner.
Dewey: Great, angry meatloaf. Thanks a lot.
Malcolm: [to audience] I don't have to worry about Reese. All he has to do is lay low and not do anything stupid... Oh, God.
Lois: Oh that's right it's the Army's fault that your brother gets killed.
Hal: Now Lois, we can't blame Malcolm for stealing Reese's girl and causing this whole mess in the first place.
Malcolm: Huh?
Hal: Kids his age are nothing but raging hormones and hideous self-involvement. They are all immoral little creeps.
Lois: Don't defend him, Hal. Just help me make dinner.
Dewey: Great, angry meatloaf. Thanks a lot.
Malcolm: [to audience] I don't have to worry about Reese. All he has to do is lay low and not do anything stupid... Oh, God.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: Wow! You guys are huge! And shiny!
Bodybuilder: Thanks mister, but we can always be huger and shinier!
Bodybuilder: Thanks mister, but we can always be huger and shinier!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: What are you trying to do?
Reese: Mom hasn't made you do any of the crap she's made us do. Why's she being so nice to you?
Dewey: Because for the last three days, I haven't done anything wrong. You see, Mom doesn't yell and scream at us because it's the only way she knows how to talk; she does it because we do stuff that's bad. And if you don't do anything, she doesn't get mad at you. You understand? It's not her, it's us.
[pause]
Malcolm: Fine, don't tell us.
Reese: Mom hasn't made you do any of the crap she's made us do. Why's she being so nice to you?
Dewey: Because for the last three days, I haven't done anything wrong. You see, Mom doesn't yell and scream at us because it's the only way she knows how to talk; she does it because we do stuff that's bad. And if you don't do anything, she doesn't get mad at you. You understand? It's not her, it's us.
[pause]
Malcolm: Fine, don't tell us.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: It's so sad about those kids. Someone should help them.
Hal: (Inspired) You're right, Lois. Someone is gonna help those kids. Someone's gonna help the crap out of them!
Hal: (Inspired) You're right, Lois. Someone is gonna help those kids. Someone's gonna help the crap out of them!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Hal walking by the large pile of garbage on his lawn]
Dewey: (muffled yelling) Dad!
Hal: Dewey?
Dewey: Daaaaaad!
Hal: Dewey? Where are you?
Dewey: I don't know! My garbage fort collapsed!
Hal: Can you breathe?
Dewey: Yes. But I don't want to!
Dewey: (muffled yelling) Dad!
Hal: Dewey?
Dewey: Daaaaaad!
Hal: Dewey? Where are you?
Dewey: I don't know! My garbage fort collapsed!
Hal: Can you breathe?
Dewey: Yes. But I don't want to!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: I'm supposed to do a 300-word report on how you're my personal hero.
Hal: Me? You think I'm your... hero?
Dewey: Dad, don't freak out. We had to pick one of our parents.
Hal: Me? You think I'm your... hero?
Dewey: Dad, don't freak out. We had to pick one of our parents.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: Every year that guy waits to see what Christmas decorations I put out and then finds a way to top it. I string lights, he strings better lights. I put out Frosty, he puts out an elf village. I put out Dracula, he does nothing and I look like a jackass!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Abe: Even though the mashed potatoes are not supposed to come with the duck, cram them in there anyway whether the duck likes it or not.
Waiter: Ma'am?
Lois: The beef. Even though it's the carrots that are the problem, I'd like to exclude the broccoli.
Waiter: That may work as a metaphor, ma'am, but you're really screwing up your entree.
Waiter: Ma'am?
Lois: The beef. Even though it's the carrots that are the problem, I'd like to exclude the broccoli.
Waiter: That may work as a metaphor, ma'am, but you're really screwing up your entree.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: Reese just came up with the most fun thing to do. Riding your bike through the graveyard. With your eyes closed. He smashed into this one gravestone, flew through the air, hit another gravestone, and landed in an open grave!
Reese: Lying in that hole was surprisingly peaceful. I no longer fear death.
Reese: Lying in that hole was surprisingly peaceful. I no longer fear death.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: You're the ones that turned your mother into a ticking time bomb. You just thank your lucky stars that she went off on an innocent bystander.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: It's a good thing you weren't John Lennon's mother.
Lois: If I were John Lennon's mother, he'd still be alive.
Lois: If I were John Lennon's mother, he'd still be alive.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: Maybe we're just going about this the wrong way. We have to think outside the box. (to Dewey) If you were a diving board, what would you want someone to do with you?
Dewey: Take me ice-skating.
Reese: Don't be an idiot. That place is freezing, and it's always so crowded.
Dewey: Yeah, but they have good hot dogs.
Reese: Those hot dogs suck compared to the ones at the train station.
Dewey: Why would a diving board want to go to a train station?
Reese: How should I know? Maybe he wants to visit a relative!
Malcolm: Guys? Get back in the box.
Dewey: Take me ice-skating.
Reese: Don't be an idiot. That place is freezing, and it's always so crowded.
Dewey: Yeah, but they have good hot dogs.
Reese: Those hot dogs suck compared to the ones at the train station.
Dewey: Why would a diving board want to go to a train station?
Reese: How should I know? Maybe he wants to visit a relative!
Malcolm: Guys? Get back in the box.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[After Lois has noticed the boys about to deface a billboard]
Dewey: It's Mom! How'd she find us!?
Reese: I told you she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't be in this mess!
Dewey: It's Mom! How'd she find us!?
Reese: I told you she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't be in this mess!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant.
Reese: [bad Spanish accent] Misses, I don't know who you thinking we are. Your boys are different boys than we are being.
[the light turns on the stripper billboard; the boys back up and Lois rolls her eyes]
Reese: [afraid] Where's the back door for this thing?
Malcolm: [scared] It's a billboard!
Dewey: [terrified] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us.
Reese: [bad Spanish accent] Misses, I don't know who you thinking we are. Your boys are different boys than we are being.
[the light turns on the stripper billboard; the boys back up and Lois rolls her eyes]
Reese: [afraid] Where's the back door for this thing?
Malcolm: [scared] It's a billboard!
Dewey: [terrified] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Hal, get in this bed and go to sleep!
Hal: [grabbing a pillow and blanket] Oh, I'll sleep. I'll sleeep where I'm wanted.
[Goes over to the couch as Dewey continues to compose music.]
Hal: [grabbing a pillow and blanket] Oh, I'll sleep. I'll sleeep where I'm wanted.
[Goes over to the couch as Dewey continues to compose music.]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[At the Buseys classroom, Dewey is peforming his music.]
Zoe: [playiing Lois and singing] Are you coming back to bed? Or should I just order a crib for you.
Hanson: [playing Hal and singing] I'm not coming back. I don't like to be where I'm not wanted, especially if it on a big, giant bed.
Zoe: [playiing Lois and singing] Are you coming back to bed? Or should I just order a crib for you.
Hanson: [playing Hal and singing] I'm not coming back. I don't like to be where I'm not wanted, especially if it on a big, giant bed.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Dewey is inspired by Hal and Lois' fight in the master bedroom and writes down more music.]
Hal: A sale at Mattress King. Oh you must've laughed at me for swallowing that one. They don't even know the meaning of the word sale over there. Their everyday prices are a guaranteed rock bottom.
Lois: You are working yourself to get your own way. You always do that, Hal.
Hal: A sale at Mattress King. Oh you must've laughed at me for swallowing that one. They don't even know the meaning of the word sale over there. Their everyday prices are a guaranteed rock bottom.
Lois: You are working yourself to get your own way. You always do that, Hal.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Hal and Lois sit in front of a fireplace looking through photos]
Lois: Oh, I remember this! This is Reese's fifth birthday!
Hal: And this must be Christmas that same year.
[The viewer sees an X-ray showing a candy cane stuffed five inches into the nasal cavity, hook-first]
Lois: He grew up so fast!
Hal: Oh, he sure did. Here's Malcolm's first day at school.
[The viewer sees another X-ray of the pelvic region with a toy truck in between the hips]
Lois: Remember when we lost Dewey at the flea market?
[The viewer sees yet another X-ray of the chest region with a wristwatch embedded in the middle of it]
Hal: [holds out wrist] Still keeps great time.
Lois: Want to go through the arrest reports?
Hal: I'll pour some more wine.
Lois: Oh, I remember this! This is Reese's fifth birthday!
Hal: And this must be Christmas that same year.
[The viewer sees an X-ray showing a candy cane stuffed five inches into the nasal cavity, hook-first]
Lois: He grew up so fast!
Hal: Oh, he sure did. Here's Malcolm's first day at school.
[The viewer sees another X-ray of the pelvic region with a toy truck in between the hips]
Lois: Remember when we lost Dewey at the flea market?
[The viewer sees yet another X-ray of the chest region with a wristwatch embedded in the middle of it]
Hal: [holds out wrist] Still keeps great time.
Lois: Want to go through the arrest reports?
Hal: I'll pour some more wine.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Hal continues pretending to have Hysterical Conversion Disorder as he continues using his feet and rips off sheets of toilet paper]
Lois: It's been four days, Hal. I tried to be patient, but this has gone one long enough. You have to snap out of it. Look I admit you've been resourceful and you've learned to do so many things. And the Sex has been interesting.
[She walks in as Hal is now using his feet to pour in some tooth paste on his to his tooth brush to brush his teeth. He raises his brush to do so and she walks into the master bedroom.]
Lois: But you can't go on living like this. Don't think I don't know what this is all about. You're trying to avoid making this decision. This isn't going to work and frankly this is beneath you. It's the cowards way out, Hal. You don't think I don't like a paralyzed vacation. Everyone waiting on me hand and foot. You know what? It doesn't work that way. You can't keep making up ridiculous illnesses to get out of what you don't want to do.
[sees Hal pulling out a long thread of dental floss to floss his teeth]
Lois: Oh for God's sake. Do you have any idea how insane you're acting? I'm just glad your boys aren't here to see this.
[sees Hal raise his feet to floss his teeth]'
Lois: Oh Hal, you changed Jamie's diapers with those feet.
[she leaves disgusted]
Lois: It's been four days, Hal. I tried to be patient, but this has gone one long enough. You have to snap out of it. Look I admit you've been resourceful and you've learned to do so many things. And the Sex has been interesting.
[She walks in as Hal is now using his feet to pour in some tooth paste on his to his tooth brush to brush his teeth. He raises his brush to do so and she walks into the master bedroom.]
Lois: But you can't go on living like this. Don't think I don't know what this is all about. You're trying to avoid making this decision. This isn't going to work and frankly this is beneath you. It's the cowards way out, Hal. You don't think I don't like a paralyzed vacation. Everyone waiting on me hand and foot. You know what? It doesn't work that way. You can't keep making up ridiculous illnesses to get out of what you don't want to do.
[sees Hal pulling out a long thread of dental floss to floss his teeth]
Lois: Oh for God's sake. Do you have any idea how insane you're acting? I'm just glad your boys aren't here to see this.
[sees Hal raise his feet to floss his teeth]'
Lois: Oh Hal, you changed Jamie's diapers with those feet.
[she leaves disgusted]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Dewey tries to recover his grandmother's leg.]
Dewey: [on the phone] Hello, Pathology? Yes, this is Judy Green from Dr. Weiss' office. I'm calling about the chop-and-drop he did Thursday on the old lady... Listen, Dr. Weiss thinks he may have left his wedding ring in that leg... He was pretty hammered... Yeah, again. So anyway, we need to get that leg out of there before the lawyers come around and do their Monday-morning quarterbacking. You know what instead of the usual place, why not send it to my house. I'll give you the address.
Dewey: [on the phone] Hello, Pathology? Yes, this is Judy Green from Dr. Weiss' office. I'm calling about the chop-and-drop he did Thursday on the old lady... Listen, Dr. Weiss thinks he may have left his wedding ring in that leg... He was pretty hammered... Yeah, again. So anyway, we need to get that leg out of there before the lawyers come around and do their Monday-morning quarterbacking. You know what instead of the usual place, why not send it to my house. I'll give you the address.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: [bringing Francis back when he tries to leave] Get back in here, we are not having this argument again.
Ida: Let him go. It's the little one who owes me his life.
Francis: See? Even she thinks so.
Ida: Let him go. It's the little one who owes me his life.
Francis: See? Even she thinks so.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle