Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
Malcolm: (to the camera) They trust me. People like these trust me. I, obviously, have to say something nice to them. This is why my family sucks. I have no training in this. (to the Inkster parents) This job... me like.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Say goodbye for a few days, boys. We're moving out.
Malcolm: This is humiliating. Why can't we just stay at a nice hotel?
Lois: Because we're giving all our money to the exterminators so they can stay in nice hotels.
Malcolm: This is humiliating. Why can't we just stay at a nice hotel?
Lois: Because we're giving all our money to the exterminators so they can stay in nice hotels.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: Besides, son, robots are evil.
Malcolm: What?!
Hal: Westworld, Terminator, the creepy maid from The Jetsons... How much scientific proof do you need?
Malcolm: What?!
Hal: Westworld, Terminator, the creepy maid from The Jetsons... How much scientific proof do you need?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: Someone stole my friend's wheelchair.
Security Guard: What's it look like?
Malcolm: It's a chair... with wheels.
Security Guard: What's it look like?
Malcolm: It's a chair... with wheels.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: Stevie, are you okay?
Stevie: I... can't... feel... my legs.
Malcolm: That's not funny.
Stevie: I... can't... feel... my legs.
Malcolm: That's not funny.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: Finley, what are you doing in the cupboard?
Cadet Finley: Poquito Cabeza!
Francis: Get out of there, man.
Cadet Finley: I can't. I've been marked by the Brothers of the Apocalypse.
Francis: (scoffs) Brothers of the Apocalypse. It's pathetic. They're five seniors with limited imaginations.
Cadet Finley: Easy for you to say, You've got Stanley protecing you, and you're not holding Poquito Cabeza.
Francis: Would you stop saying "Poquito Cabeza" so much?
Cadet Finley: I can't. Uh, could you turn in my math homework?
Francis: (erasing Finley's name and writing his own) Poor Finley. He's good at math, right?
Cadet Finley: Poquito Cabeza!
Francis: Get out of there, man.
Cadet Finley: I can't. I've been marked by the Brothers of the Apocalypse.
Francis: (scoffs) Brothers of the Apocalypse. It's pathetic. They're five seniors with limited imaginations.
Cadet Finley: Easy for you to say, You've got Stanley protecing you, and you're not holding Poquito Cabeza.
Francis: Would you stop saying "Poquito Cabeza" so much?
Cadet Finley: I can't. Uh, could you turn in my math homework?
Francis: (erasing Finley's name and writing his own) Poor Finley. He's good at math, right?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: (answering the phone) Hello. (hears heavy breathing) Hello? Listen, pervert, this is the third time you've called. I have just about had it with...
Stevie: Is Malcolm... there?
Lois: Oh. Hi, Stevie. Sorry.
Stevie: Is Malcolm... there?
Lois: Oh. Hi, Stevie. Sorry.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: All right, I've had it! You two are banned from Nintendo.
Reese: OK! We're already banned from Nintendo.
Malcolm: [to audience] The sad thing is, he thinks he's outsmarted her.
Reese: OK! We're already banned from Nintendo.
Malcolm: [to audience] The sad thing is, he thinks he's outsmarted her.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: So then the monster started growling at me, so I threw rocks at him, and I killed him, and then he started flying around on rocket boost, and I got to ride inside his head, and now the monster's my friend, and we went--and we went to get Slurpees.
Reese: You did not, you just lied.
Hal: Reese, if that's what Dewey said happened, then there's no reason to argue about it.
Reese: No one believes me that I beat the last level in Mortal Kombat.
Hal: Because that's just ridiculous. No one beats Sub-Zero.
Reese: You did not, you just lied.
Hal: Reese, if that's what Dewey said happened, then there's no reason to argue about it.
Reese: No one believes me that I beat the last level in Mortal Kombat.
Hal: Because that's just ridiculous. No one beats Sub-Zero.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(After finding out Francis escaped)
Malcolm: Mom, I think he's okay. (Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the screen) Uh-oh, tactical error.
Hal: What do you mean?
Malcolm: I mean, he's always okay.
Hal: Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...
Lois: Oh, for God's sake. (to Malcolm) WHERE IS HE!!!
Malcolm: He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. (to the screen) Oh my God, how did she do that?
Lois: (gets up) I knew it. When did you talk to him?
Malcolm: Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... (Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her) This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR. (points to Dewey and he acts surprised)
Malcolm: Mom, I think he's okay. (Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the screen) Uh-oh, tactical error.
Hal: What do you mean?
Malcolm: I mean, he's always okay.
Hal: Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...
Lois: Oh, for God's sake. (to Malcolm) WHERE IS HE!!!
Malcolm: He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. (to the screen) Oh my God, how did she do that?
Lois: (gets up) I knew it. When did you talk to him?
Malcolm: Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... (Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her) This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR. (points to Dewey and he acts surprised)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Eraserhead's older brother grabs Reese]
Eraserhead: Kafkaesque, isn't it?
Reese: Huh?
Eraserhead: Never mind. Kick his butt, Alphonse.
Eraserhead: Kafkaesque, isn't it?
Reese: Huh?
Eraserhead: Never mind. Kick his butt, Alphonse.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: In the wrong hands, these chemicals could make a powerful stink bomb. [looks at his hands] These hands look wrong enough.
[Later, after the "stink bomb" goes off]
Malcolm: Okay, the difference between a stink bomb and a level-three toxic biohazard is apparently two extra drops of sulfur tetraoxide. I'm totally suing that web site.
[Later, after the "stink bomb" goes off]
Malcolm: Okay, the difference between a stink bomb and a level-three toxic biohazard is apparently two extra drops of sulfur tetraoxide. I'm totally suing that web site.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: Hey, Malcolm, how many fingers am I holding up?
Malcolm: Shut up!
Reese: Analyze what I had for lunch! (burps into Malcolm's face while everyone laughs)
Lois: What I can't understand is how you can remember all thoses numbers, but you still forget to brush your teeth! (everyone laughs again)
Hal: Who's up for Burger Barn? (everyone cheers while the family drives off)
Malcolm: Shut up!
Reese: Analyze what I had for lunch! (burps into Malcolm's face while everyone laughs)
Lois: What I can't understand is how you can remember all thoses numbers, but you still forget to brush your teeth! (everyone laughs again)
Hal: Who's up for Burger Barn? (everyone cheers while the family drives off)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: Is Malcolm a robot?
Hal: (sighs) No, son. He's just very, very, very, very, very smart.
Hal: (sighs) No, son. He's just very, very, very, very, very smart.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: A small pack of Krelboynes has ventured out of hiding to bask in the afternoon sun. Their defenses down, they are an easy target for nearby predators. They sense danger, it is too late! Their hesitation is fatal! Raahhhhhh!!!! (starts running after the Krelboynes while they start fleeing)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: (about Malcolm's class picnic) There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.
Dewey: Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.
Lois: That's right. She has two daddies.
Reese: Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.
Dewey: Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.
Lois: That's right. She has two daddies.
Reese: Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: It's been ten days since Mom lost her job. Yesterday for dinner we had macaroni and rice. Today, it's rice and macaroni.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: (pouring Dewey a glass of milk) Drink your milk.
Dewey: It's lumpy.
Lois: Then chew it!
Dewey: It's lumpy.
Lois: Then chew it!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(After Lois returns the bottle of cognac that Dewey stole)
Lois: What do you mean "fired"?! You can't fire me for this.
Mr. Pinter: Sorry. Store policy is very clear about stealing.
Lois: But he didn't steal it; he returned it. It's right there. The bottle is perfect. You can just put it right back on the shelf.
Mr. Pinter: I already marked it out of inventory. My hands are tied here.
Lois: What are you talking about? You don't even do inventory. You foist it off on me because you make so many mistakes.
Lois: What do you mean "fired"?! You can't fire me for this.
Mr. Pinter: Sorry. Store policy is very clear about stealing.
Lois: But he didn't steal it; he returned it. It's right there. The bottle is perfect. You can just put it right back on the shelf.
Mr. Pinter: I already marked it out of inventory. My hands are tied here.
Lois: What are you talking about? You don't even do inventory. You foist it off on me because you make so many mistakes.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: (stocking some condoms) Don't touch the microphone, register, candy, price tags. (Realises something is amiss) Steam Cleaner.
(Runs and catches Malcolm and Reese messing with the steam cleaner. They're both covered in soap)
Lois: BOYS!!!
Malcolm: It's not what it looks like!
(Runs and catches Malcolm and Reese messing with the steam cleaner. They're both covered in soap)
Lois: BOYS!!!
Malcolm: It's not what it looks like!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(After Hal passes gas)
Malcolm: (to his brothers) The first one who laughs gets their ass kicked!
Malcolm: (to his brothers) The first one who laughs gets their ass kicked!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(Hal comes home to see Reese and Malcolm kneeling with their noses against a door kneeling indicating that Lois has punished them for messing with the steam cleaner at Lucky Aide.)
Hal: Oh, hello, boys. How long are you in for?
Reese: Another hour.
Hal: Yeaow.
Hal: Oh, hello, boys. How long are you in for?
Reese: Another hour.
Hal: Yeaow.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: (telling off Mr.Pinter) No, it's more of a suggestion. The horse you rode in is optional.
Mr. Pinter: Now look...
Lois: No, you look. I don't deserve this. The only thing I ever did wrong was doing all the work I did to cover your butt.
Mr. Pinter: Well we obviously have different definitions of wrong!
Lois: [Scoffs] Yeah, guess we do. For instance, I think it's wrong for you to put your name on sales report that you didn't write. I think it's wrong for you to keep a bag of herbs in your bottom left drawer. I think it's wrong you slept with the district manager's wife. And you want to know something, you don't have to worry about it because I also think it's wrong to blab this kind of thing. You know you should be so glad that I'm the only one who knows this stuff about you. Anyone else here would sell you down the river in a second. God, I am so much better than you!
[Lois walks away and Pinter thinks he's safe since she's the only one who knows. However, he soon finds himself cornered when he sees smiling faces of Craig and the other co-workers from the next aisle having heard about his secret, intends to tell the district manager. Pinter runs the other way and quits.]
Mr. Pinter: Now look...
Lois: No, you look. I don't deserve this. The only thing I ever did wrong was doing all the work I did to cover your butt.
Mr. Pinter: Well we obviously have different definitions of wrong!
Lois: [Scoffs] Yeah, guess we do. For instance, I think it's wrong for you to put your name on sales report that you didn't write. I think it's wrong for you to keep a bag of herbs in your bottom left drawer. I think it's wrong you slept with the district manager's wife. And you want to know something, you don't have to worry about it because I also think it's wrong to blab this kind of thing. You know you should be so glad that I'm the only one who knows this stuff about you. Anyone else here would sell you down the river in a second. God, I am so much better than you!
[Lois walks away and Pinter thinks he's safe since she's the only one who knows. However, he soon finds himself cornered when he sees smiling faces of Craig and the other co-workers from the next aisle having heard about his secret, intends to tell the district manager. Pinter runs the other way and quits.]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: (on the phone) Francis where have you been? I been looking for you for days.
Francis: I'm sorry dad, I've been buried here.
Hal: Ok listen, I got kind of a bad news, good news thing. You mom lost her job and we're pretty broke. The good news is that makes your tuition an issue. I think I can talk your mother into letting you come home.
Francis: Dad, no I can't come home! Marlin Academy has been the best thing that has happened to me! I'm in a crucial stage in my rehabilitation.
Francis: I'm sorry dad, I've been buried here.
Hal: Ok listen, I got kind of a bad news, good news thing. You mom lost her job and we're pretty broke. The good news is that makes your tuition an issue. I think I can talk your mother into letting you come home.
Francis: Dad, no I can't come home! Marlin Academy has been the best thing that has happened to me! I'm in a crucial stage in my rehabilitation.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Dewey has just revealed an expensive bottle of cognac he just stole to Hal and Lois]
Lois: A $150 bottle of cognac?! How could you take this?!
Dewey: I'm sorry.
Hal: My god would you look at this thing. Can you imagine a man who pays $150 bottle of cognac. What do you think a guy pay for a pair of socks?
Lois: Dewey, what am I going to do with you?
Reese: [kneeling with his nose on the wall] This works pretty good, mom.
Lois: [ignoring Reese and takes th ebottle from Hal] Go get your jacket, we're going back to the store. You are going to return this bottle to Mr.Pinter, apologize and accept the consequences.
Lois: A $150 bottle of cognac?! How could you take this?!
Dewey: I'm sorry.
Hal: My god would you look at this thing. Can you imagine a man who pays $150 bottle of cognac. What do you think a guy pay for a pair of socks?
Lois: Dewey, what am I going to do with you?
Reese: [kneeling with his nose on the wall] This works pretty good, mom.
Lois: [ignoring Reese and takes th ebottle from Hal] Go get your jacket, we're going back to the store. You are going to return this bottle to Mr.Pinter, apologize and accept the consequences.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Caroline: I just come home to three screaming cats and Bob.
Lois: Who's Bob?
Caroline: My showerhead.
Lois: Who's Bob?
Caroline: My showerhead.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle