Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
News Presenter: [in Dewey's imagination] Boring, boring, boring. I am incredibly boring. Do you know who's boring? Me. Boring, goring, zoring, loring, doring, noring, foring - why haven't you changed the channel yet?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: Boys, this talk is very important, so I'm going to need your undivided attention.
Hal: [in Dewey's imagination] It's very important that you be bored and squirm a lot.
Hal: [in Dewey's imagination] It's very important that you be bored and squirm a lot.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm [to Reese]: Are you crying?
Reese: No, I was reading.
Malcolm: You don't read.
Reese: Just shut the door, Krelboyne.
Reese: No, I was reading.
Malcolm: You don't read.
Reese: Just shut the door, Krelboyne.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: Oh, my God, I'm a Krelboyne with a brother who's a cheerleader. I could wet my pants in public and it would be a lateral move.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: The only thing worse than a guy cheerleader is the guy who never takes his hand out of his butt!
Reese: Oh, you mean Chester? He's a cheerleader too! He does a lot of solo work.
Reese: Oh, you mean Chester? He's a cheerleader too! He does a lot of solo work.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm [to the camera]: I tried talking to him, I gave him advice, I tried reasoning with him, there's only one thing left to do: Sit back and laugh my ass off!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Commandant Spangler: (screaming from his office) My mother was neither a Madonna or a whore! She was a damn fine woman!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: I'm lost. (Francis punches Reese) OW!
Francis: That's how Mom feels... on the inside.
Francis: That's how Mom feels... on the inside.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(After Francis keeps talking to another girl)
Amaani: You're wasting your time. She doesn't speak English.
Francis: Oh.
Amaani: Which is just as well, because if she understood the crap you were feeding her, she'd laugh in your face.
Amaani: You're wasting your time. She doesn't speak English.
Francis: Oh.
Amaani: Which is just as well, because if she understood the crap you were feeding her, she'd laugh in your face.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: I have my own problems. I have to go to a kegger, party with my friends, and make out with an African goddess with this hanging over my head. Come on, Amanni.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm [to Reese]: Listen to the words: good, boy, cheerleader. Quit while you still have some dignity.
Reese: Oh, and let her think I'm a quitter.
Malcolm: You can't even remember a simple six-step routine.
Reese: There's six steps?
Malcolm: Yes. It's just right-left-right-left-reverse-pose.
Reese: You remember that by just watching?
Malcolm: You guys did it like ten times!
Reese: So, you know my routine?
Malcolm: It's not that hard.
Reese: But... you know my routine.
Malcolm: Yes, I do. Look, I know where this is going...
Reese: No, you don't. You're going to help me.
Malcolm: That is where I was going.
Reese: Oh, good. Let's get started.
Malcolm: No! Don't you know how embarassing this is?
Reese: I know what's more embarrasing.
Malcolm: What?
Reese: Getting beaten to a coma by a good boy cheerleader.
Reese: Oh, and let her think I'm a quitter.
Malcolm: You can't even remember a simple six-step routine.
Reese: There's six steps?
Malcolm: Yes. It's just right-left-right-left-reverse-pose.
Reese: You remember that by just watching?
Malcolm: You guys did it like ten times!
Reese: So, you know my routine?
Malcolm: It's not that hard.
Reese: But... you know my routine.
Malcolm: Yes, I do. Look, I know where this is going...
Reese: No, you don't. You're going to help me.
Malcolm: That is where I was going.
Reese: Oh, good. Let's get started.
Malcolm: No! Don't you know how embarassing this is?
Reese: I know what's more embarrasing.
Malcolm: What?
Reese: Getting beaten to a coma by a good boy cheerleader.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Herbie Doll: Dewey, have you forgotten me? I thought you were friends. All the other boys and girls on your street are my friends. They all bought me. Your parents have lots of money. They're just hiding it. But I didn't want you to buy me for me. It's for your own good. I didn't want to have to tell you this, but if you don't buy me, you'll die.
(Dewey gets shocked by getting wide-eyed)
(Dewey gets shocked by getting wide-eyed)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: What? I took a shower. Is that such a crime?!
Lois: Reese, is this going to be a daily thing. Because we're behind...
Hal: Honey, let me handle this. (to Reese) Son, are you on drugs?
Reese: No, it's just... why doesn't everyone just leave me alone?!
Lois: Reese, is this going to be a daily thing. Because we're behind...
Hal: Honey, let me handle this. (to Reese) Son, are you on drugs?
Reese: No, it's just... why doesn't everyone just leave me alone?!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm [to Malcolm]: What are you doing?
Reese: Nothing.
Malcolm: You look different.
Reese: I took a shower.
Malcolm: I knew it!
Reese: Nothing.
Malcolm: You look different.
Reese: I took a shower.
Malcolm: I knew it!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(Malcolm hears Reese crying and opens the door)
Malcolm: Ha! You're crying. (Reese looks at him and is actually crying) Oh, man, you're crying.
Reese: It is about a girl.
Malcolm (to the camera): I should have backed off.
Malcolm: Ha! You're crying. (Reese looks at him and is actually crying) Oh, man, you're crying.
Reese: It is about a girl.
Malcolm (to the camera): I should have backed off.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: (to the camera) I know I'm gonna pay for this, but... (back to Reese) Reese loves Wendy! Reese loves Wendy! [gets chased by Reese]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: Reese, why are you dressed like that?
Reese: I figured out what she likes. I started cheering for the football team, so I joined the cheerleading squad.
Malcolm: Why didn't you join the football team, doofus?!
Reese: She's a cheerleader!
Reese: I figured out what she likes. I started cheering for the football team, so I joined the cheerleading squad.
Malcolm: Why didn't you join the football team, doofus?!
Reese: She's a cheerleader!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Commandant Spangler [to Francis]: I am very tired off all the things you didn't mean to do. You didn't mean to come in 4 hours after curfew. You didn't mean to replace the morning relvery with a selection from "Trip Hop Wizard," tricky! Maybe I should rename this: "Francis' 'I didn't mean to' File!"
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: Mom, Dad... I'd really like a Herbie doll. I know it's expensive but I don't ask for a lot, and I've been very good lately... (he's actually rolling on the floor, crying and kicking and thrashing) I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it!
Lois: Looks like he found the sugar.
Hal: Aw, doesn't he look like a little dust mop?
Lois: Looks like he found the sugar.
Hal: Aw, doesn't he look like a little dust mop?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Malcolm is helping Reese with his cheerleading]
Reese: Stick your arms out! We have to sell this.
Malcolm: Can you move your hand a little to the left?
Reese: Spread your legs!
Malcolm: No!
Reese: I said spread your legs!
Malcolm: No!
Lois (in the kitchen seeing the boys from the backyard; to Hal): It's time for the talk, Hal.
Malcolm: I'm not spreading my legs.
Reese: Stick your arms out! We have to sell this.
Malcolm: Can you move your hand a little to the left?
Reese: Spread your legs!
Malcolm: No!
Reese: I said spread your legs!
Malcolm: No!
Lois (in the kitchen seeing the boys from the backyard; to Hal): It's time for the talk, Hal.
Malcolm: I'm not spreading my legs.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal [to the boys]: Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. (looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll)
Malcolm (to the camera): Oh, man! I still play with that.
Hal: You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry.(accidentally fires toy gun from the robot) Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. (imitates robot) "I like you!" (imitates girl doll) "I like you, too!" (back to normal voice) ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.
Dewey [smiling]: Not me.
Hal: Well, ask your brothers.
(Malcolm & Reese give disgusted looks)
Malcolm (to the camera): Oh, man! I still play with that.
Hal: You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry.(accidentally fires toy gun from the robot) Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. (imitates robot) "I like you!" (imitates girl doll) "I like you, too!" (back to normal voice) ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.
Dewey [smiling]: Not me.
Hal: Well, ask your brothers.
(Malcolm & Reese give disgusted looks)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: (giving the sex talk to the boys) If the boy is from our family, it goes a little more like this... (using the action figures to represent a boy and girl couple) "I like you." "I HATE you!" "Now, I LOVE you!" "LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!" "Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!"
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(Reese is sobbing loudly in the bathroom)
Malcolm: Come on, Reese. I really have to go! (bangs on the door)
Reese: I'm the most worthless, putrid loser in the world. Everybody hates me! I hate me! (resumes sobbing)
Malcolm: Come on, Reese. I really have to go! (bangs on the door)
Reese: I'm the most worthless, putrid loser in the world. Everybody hates me! I hate me! (resumes sobbing)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm (walks into room and sees Reese tearing up his uniform): What are you doing?
Reese: What's the point? You heard Dad! I'm doomed!
Malcolm: You can't quit! I worked too hard for you to quit now!
Reese: I hate to inform you, brain boy. It's not about you, it's about me!
Malcolm: That's before I spent an entire day with your hand on my ass!
Reese: What's the point? You heard Dad! I'm doomed!
Malcolm: You can't quit! I worked too hard for you to quit now!
Reese: I hate to inform you, brain boy. It's not about you, it's about me!
Malcolm: That's before I spent an entire day with your hand on my ass!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm [to Reese]: Do you want to end up like Francis or Uncle Pete?!
Reese: I don't care anymore! Anything is better than this!
Malcolm: Even marrying Mom?
(Reese pauses)
Reese: I don't care anymore! Anything is better than this!
Malcolm: Even marrying Mom?
(Reese pauses)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: I... I... Wendy?
Wendy: Did you say something?
Reese: Wendy, I really like you like a boy likes a girl, normal and healthy? I'm sorry for hurting you all those times. I'm really not a bad guy. Anyways, thanks.
Wendy: I like you, too.
(Reese smiles)
Wendy: Did you say something?
Reese: Wendy, I really like you like a boy likes a girl, normal and healthy? I'm sorry for hurting you all those times. I'm really not a bad guy. Anyways, thanks.
Wendy: I like you, too.
(Reese smiles)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(Reese & Wendy are holding hands while on the pyramid and it collapses)
Malcolm: Oh, my God!
Stevie (having a hard time breathing): Call... 9... 1...
(All the kids are in pain and Reese & Wendy are still holding hands)
Malcolm: Oh, my God!
Stevie (having a hard time breathing): Call... 9... 1...
(All the kids are in pain and Reese & Wendy are still holding hands)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Hal is watching TV]
Talking Cookie (on TV): So be sure to try the new and improved Chip-a-Roo cookie today. (in Hal's imagination) I can make you taller. I can make you better looking. If you eat enough of me, I can make you president. Maybe even emperor of the world.
Hal: Honey, can you give me a box of these cookies?
Talking Cookie: Make it 2.
Hal: Make it two boxes.
Talking Cookie (on TV): So be sure to try the new and improved Chip-a-Roo cookie today. (in Hal's imagination) I can make you taller. I can make you better looking. If you eat enough of me, I can make you president. Maybe even emperor of the world.
Hal: Honey, can you give me a box of these cookies?
Talking Cookie: Make it 2.
Hal: Make it two boxes.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle