Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
[Francis is in Spangler's office.]
Commandant Spangler: Son, what were you thinking? Stealing 200 frogs from the Biology lab and setting them loose on the highway.
Francis: I was freeing the alleged frogs, sir. Killing live animals in the name of science is inhumane.
Commandant Spangler: No. Inhumane is sitting in the car for 2 1/2 hours when I live 8 blocks from campus
Commandant Spangler: Son, what were you thinking? Stealing 200 frogs from the Biology lab and setting them loose on the highway.
Francis: I was freeing the alleged frogs, sir. Killing live animals in the name of science is inhumane.
Commandant Spangler: No. Inhumane is sitting in the car for 2 1/2 hours when I live 8 blocks from campus
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Reese is seen rollerblading through the house and sitting on the couch]
Lois: Wait a minute...somebody stepped in something...oh my God...oh my God! What a mess! Reese, what did you roll in?
Reese: Aw, man! [After inspecting the wheels of his skate, he begins wiping it off on the corner of the table]
[Lois opens her mouth to scream]
[...later]
[Lois emits a pained squeak]
Hal: You have to admit, it is kind of funny. Yelling so loud you actually throw out your back?
Lois: Wait a minute...somebody stepped in something...oh my God...oh my God! What a mess! Reese, what did you roll in?
Reese: Aw, man! [After inspecting the wheels of his skate, he begins wiping it off on the corner of the table]
[Lois opens her mouth to scream]
[...later]
[Lois emits a pained squeak]
Hal: You have to admit, it is kind of funny. Yelling so loud you actually throw out your back?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm [to Hal]: Oh, yeah. Well.. (car slams on brake; birds fly from a tree; feedback from the speakers wake up Lois from the other room) ... you. (to the camera) You heard me!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: (sees Hal dancing and skating) Should I be impressed or horrified?!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: [Busting Reese on the intercom] What are you doing!
Reese: Nothing.
Lois: Get a glass.
[Reese tries to ignore Lois by trying to drink from the milk carton again]
Lois: Don't you dare! When I'm well, I'm going to beat you blue, mister. Get a glass!!!
Reese: All right! Okay!!!
Dewey: Can I have some milk?
Lois: Yes... but get a glass!
Dewey: Okay
Reese: Nothing.
Lois: Get a glass.
[Reese tries to ignore Lois by trying to drink from the milk carton again]
Lois: Don't you dare! When I'm well, I'm going to beat you blue, mister. Get a glass!!!
Reese: All right! Okay!!!
Dewey: Can I have some milk?
Lois: Yes... but get a glass!
Dewey: Okay
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: I wouldn't worry about that. Mom's feeling a lot better, Dr.Reese paid her a little visit.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Reese: Let's just say Pills and Sandwich, not effective. Pills and Milk, effective.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Reese: Let's just say Pills and Sandwich, not effective. Pills and Milk, effective.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: [grabs Reese by the collar of his shirt] Are you happy you crippled your mother? Are you?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: How many sodas did you have?
Dewey: (all hyped up on soda) I dunno, I dunno, I dunno. Wanna see me write on my tongue?
Dewey: (all hyped up on soda) I dunno, I dunno, I dunno. Wanna see me write on my tongue?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm [to Craig]: Wait, we need your help. My dad's going crazy. He hasn't slept in 4 days. He's smoking, he's dancing around in his underwear. He's ripping phones out of the walls. You've got to stop him.
Craig: Don't worry, son. I'll handle this. (opens the refrigerator)
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Craig: You don't expect me to tackle something like this on an empty stomach?
Craig: Don't worry, son. I'll handle this. (opens the refrigerator)
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Craig: You don't expect me to tackle something like this on an empty stomach?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: (answering the phone) Hello! Oh, hi, Mr. Jackson. Well, yes, I do have a very good reason for not going in to work today. Well, how about this? I didn't come to work because somehow I felt that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just didn't seem like fun. Well, I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree. (hangs up; rips the phone from wall)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(When Hal is covered in bees)
Hal: Call animal control.
Malcolm: You ripped the phone off the wall.
Hal: Go to the neighbors.
Malcolm: They won't let us over any more!
Hal: Do something!
Hal: Call animal control.
Malcolm: You ripped the phone off the wall.
Hal: Go to the neighbors.
Malcolm: They won't let us over any more!
Hal: Do something!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Spangler: Hello!
Lois: Who are you?
Spangler: Edwin Spangler. I am Commandant of Marlin Academy.
Lois: Good for you. Where's your eye?
Spangler: Pardon?
Lois: Do your ears work? Do you have some business with my son? He needs to rest.
Spangler: Well, I stopped by to pick up your boy's homework.
Lois: Homework?! You're not giving him homework. My son nearly lost his life - something that never would have happened if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place.
Spangler: Well, I assure you, ma'am, had it not been for Francis' long history of crying wolf...
Lois: Crying wolf? You listen to me, you idiot! My child is sick. He does not need you marching in here, puffing up your little chest, and making his life more miserable than it already is. Why don't you just go play "army man" somewhere else?
Spangler: (walking away) God, she is magnificent.
Lois: Who are you?
Spangler: Edwin Spangler. I am Commandant of Marlin Academy.
Lois: Good for you. Where's your eye?
Spangler: Pardon?
Lois: Do your ears work? Do you have some business with my son? He needs to rest.
Spangler: Well, I stopped by to pick up your boy's homework.
Lois: Homework?! You're not giving him homework. My son nearly lost his life - something that never would have happened if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place.
Spangler: Well, I assure you, ma'am, had it not been for Francis' long history of crying wolf...
Lois: Crying wolf? You listen to me, you idiot! My child is sick. He does not need you marching in here, puffing up your little chest, and making his life more miserable than it already is. Why don't you just go play "army man" somewhere else?
Spangler: (walking away) God, she is magnificent.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(Hal is slapping Craig's stomach on top of him)
Hal: Say uncle!
Craig: No!
Hal: Just say it! We can end this right now with a little dignity if you just say it.
Craig: Never!
Hal: One simple word.
Craig: Duncle.
Hal: Uh-uh, you said duncle. Now you gotta say "uncle" in my butt.
Craig: LET ME UP!!!
Hal: Say uncle!
Craig: No!
Hal: Just say it! We can end this right now with a little dignity if you just say it.
Craig: Never!
Hal: One simple word.
Craig: Duncle.
Hal: Uh-uh, you said duncle. Now you gotta say "uncle" in my butt.
Craig: LET ME UP!!!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(Lois and Francis are at a gay rodeo)
Lois: Are you sure you're not embarrassed to be seen with your mother?
Francis: Nah!
(The camera backs up and we see teen boys with their mothers as well)
Lois: Are you sure you're not embarrassed to be seen with your mother?
Francis: Nah!
(The camera backs up and we see teen boys with their mothers as well)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: Mom said you ratted on us about Dewey's bike. But she's probably just mixed up, right? Because you're our big brother and you wouldn't do something like that... Francis?
Francis: You don't know what kind of pressure I was under. I...
Malcolm: (shouts) You butt-wipe! How could you?
Francis: You don't know what kind of pressure I was under. I...
Malcolm: (shouts) You butt-wipe! How could you?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: I'm really adopted, aren't I?
Lois: No, you're ours, and we love you.
Reese: Damn!
Lois: No, you're ours, and we love you.
Reese: Damn!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey [to Lois]: What's your favorite color?
Lois: For the third time... green.
Lois: For the third time... green.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm [about the letter]: I did the smartest thing, I gave it to Dewey.
Dewey: And I hid it under Mom's pillow.
Malcolm: You what?!
[Scene skips to Lois looking at the letter and looking shocked]
Dewey: And I hid it under Mom's pillow.
Malcolm: You what?!
[Scene skips to Lois looking at the letter and looking shocked]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: [after reading a letter involving Francis' prank] I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him. I Am Gonna Him!
Reese: (acts like a ghost) Woooooooo, this is all a dream.
Lois: SHUT UP, REESE!
Reese: (acts like a ghost) Woooooooo, this is all a dream.
Lois: SHUT UP, REESE!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Abe: Sorry we're late, some jackass parked in the handicapped spot.
Hal (nervous and embarrassed): Uhh... excuse me, I think I left something in the car.
Hal (nervous and embarrassed): Uhh... excuse me, I think I left something in the car.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you.
Francis: I know, you guys would never do that to me.
Malcolm: But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right?
Francis: Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter.
Malcolm: Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.
Francis: So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?
Francis: I know, you guys would never do that to me.
Malcolm: But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right?
Francis: Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter.
Malcolm: Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.
Francis: So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm [to Richie]: Hey, you can tear up the house if you want - with my mom here - and explain it to her, or you can quit and slink away like the monosyllabic mouth-breaters you are.
Francis: What did he say?
Richie: He said a lot of things.
Francis: What did he say?
Richie: He said a lot of things.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: Put Justin on the phone.
Justin: You the man, Francis! You the man!
Francis: Put Richie back on the phone.
Justin: You the man, Francis! You the man!
Francis: Put Richie back on the phone.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: What are you guys doing home?
Malcolm: Mom's sick. She thinks it's Sunday. We kind of went with it.
Malcolm: Mom's sick. She thinks it's Sunday. We kind of went with it.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: Mom, stop it, you're sick.
Lois: I'm too mad to be sick. He has finally done it this time. Where's the brochure to the farm in Arizona.
[She finds the brochure for the Work Farm For Boys in Arizona.]
Lois: He thinks military school is tough. Just wait.... Wait.... Wait...
[She runs in the bathroom to throw up.]
Lois: I'm too mad to be sick. He has finally done it this time. Where's the brochure to the farm in Arizona.
[She finds the brochure for the Work Farm For Boys in Arizona.]
Lois: He thinks military school is tough. Just wait.... Wait.... Wait...
[She runs in the bathroom to throw up.]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: Wait, how did you know Dewey's bike wasn't stolen?
Malcolm: That is a good one.
Lois: Francis told me.
Malcolm: That is a good one.
Lois: Francis told me.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm Ever since I can remember, we've always had trouble with baby-sitters.
[flashback]
Baby-sitter A: [cooing] Hello! Goochy, goochy, goochy, goo. Goochy, goochy— [screams as her finger is bitten]
Baby-sitter B: I don't know, sweetie; what do you have behind your back? [screams, running from the house]
Baby-sitter C[a man is locked in the closet by Malcolm and Reese]: You little losers, I've had enough of this! You open this door right now! Look, I'm a little claustrophobic, okay? Just open the door! Let me out! Come on!
[back to the present]
Malcolm: I don't know. I'm starting to think it might be us.
[flashback]
Baby-sitter A: [cooing] Hello! Goochy, goochy, goochy, goo. Goochy, goochy— [screams as her finger is bitten]
Baby-sitter B: I don't know, sweetie; what do you have behind your back? [screams, running from the house]
Baby-sitter C[a man is locked in the closet by Malcolm and Reese]: You little losers, I've had enough of this! You open this door right now! Look, I'm a little claustrophobic, okay? Just open the door! Let me out! Come on!
[back to the present]
Malcolm: I don't know. I'm starting to think it might be us.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Spangler: You're never gonna be a winner... because you do everything half-assed.
Francis: You may have spoken too soon, sir. I think you'll find I play pool with my whole ass.
Francis: You may have spoken too soon, sir. I think you'll find I play pool with my whole ass.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle