Married with Children Quotes
Cal: Did you play pro ball?
Al: Well, I could have, but I had a career ending accident.
Cal: Knee?
Al: Marriage.
Al: Well, I could have, but I had a career ending accident.
Cal: Knee?
Al: Marriage.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: You know, Peg, I hate to be a needy husband, a demanding husband and your husband, but where the hell is my pie tin?
Peg: Why don't you check under the couch where I keep all the other dirty dishes?
Al: Once again Peg, way to home make. See now, I can't quite reach.
Peg: Here, wanna try my bonbon retriever?
Peg: Why don't you check under the couch where I keep all the other dirty dishes?
Al: Once again Peg, way to home make. See now, I can't quite reach.
Peg: Here, wanna try my bonbon retriever?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: This pie tin is worth 25 cents towards one of Aunt Matty's famous sweet potato pies.
Marcy: Well, if she's so famous, how come I haven't heard of her?
Al: I don't know. Maybe because she doesn't make chicken pies.
Marcy: Well, if she's so famous, how come I haven't heard of her?
Al: I don't know. Maybe because she doesn't make chicken pies.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: This is so low! It says here that you're both six months pregnant by Billy Ray Cyrus!
Kelly: Really? Well, how come Mom is showing and I'm not?
Peg: I AM NOT SHOWING!... and you're grounded.
Kelly: Calm down, Mom, it's bad for the baby.
Bud: Kelly, hello? You're not really pregnant!
Kelly: Pffeew. Looks like we squeaked by that one, hey, Mom?
Kelly: Really? Well, how come Mom is showing and I'm not?
Peg: I AM NOT SHOWING!... and you're grounded.
Kelly: Calm down, Mom, it's bad for the baby.
Bud: Kelly, hello? You're not really pregnant!
Kelly: Pffeew. Looks like we squeaked by that one, hey, Mom?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: My Pumpkin is becoming a princess. Gee, if only I could trade my cow for some magic beans.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Al, I don't like these twin beds. It's unnatural.
Al: Anything involving you in a bed is unnatural, Peg. Just put on your snore strap and go to sleep.
Al: Anything involving you in a bed is unnatural, Peg. Just put on your snore strap and go to sleep.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: I hope one of these bills is for a coffin, because your shopping is killing me.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Al, don't make me stop shopping. You'll destroy my life.
Al: Good; then we'll be even.
Al: Good; then we'll be even.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: Something burning? Has Mom been ironing?
Al: No. Nothing as unusual as that. I sold my soul to the devil.
Kelly: For riches and diamonds?
Bud: Kelly, we're talking about Dad's soul.
Kelly: For a Canadian penny?
Al: No. Nothing as unusual as that. I sold my soul to the devil.
Kelly: For riches and diamonds?
Bud: Kelly, we're talking about Dad's soul.
Kelly: For a Canadian penny?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Lucifer: All right, Mr. Bundy: since you find hell such a picnic, uh, how about this? For the rest of eternity, you'll never see your family again.
Al: This is heaven.
Al: This is heaven.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Mandy: Actually, Al, I'm involved.
Al: Who's the lucky guy?
Mandy: Barbara.
Al: Barbara? Sounds like he's a little light in the loafers.
Mandy: Actually, she's a little heavy in the construction boots.
Al: Who's the lucky guy?
Mandy: Barbara.
Al: Barbara? Sounds like he's a little light in the loafers.
Mandy: Actually, she's a little heavy in the construction boots.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: How did a thing like this happen to you? Were you stood up to the prom? Go to prison? I know, it was summer camp, wasn't it? You sprained a muscle skinny dipping, and the beautiful blond counselor, let's call her Betty, carried you back to her cabin and gave you a massage; and before you knew it, you were a love slave in an all-girls sex cult.
Mandy: Yeah, that's what happened. You saw that in a video, didn't you, Al?
Al: Yeah, my favorite.
Mandy: Mine, too. So you don't have a problem with two women being together?
Al: No, as long as there's a guy watching.
Mandy: Yeah, that's what happened. You saw that in a video, didn't you, Al?
Al: Yeah, my favorite.
Mandy: Mine, too. So you don't have a problem with two women being together?
Al: No, as long as there's a guy watching.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: It was a bad day today, Peg. One minute the biggest woman in the world was in front of me. I was trying to wedge a size four on her foot with my lucky shoe horn. The next minute she was gone.
Peg: The woman died in your store?
Al: Not the woman Peg, the shoe horn. Look at it Peg, crushed like a beer can at a Raiders game.
Peg: The woman died in your store?
Al: Not the woman Peg, the shoe horn. Look at it Peg, crushed like a beer can at a Raiders game.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Al, I'm afraid. Hold me.
Al: Peg, Peg, my life's in danger here. It's important I maintain my will to live.
Al: Peg, Peg, my life's in danger here. It's important I maintain my will to live.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: On this very special occasion I want you to wear the dress that I wore on the happiest day of my life. Unfortunately, the football team kept it.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Now let me tell you something. We Bundys may have our faults; but we believe that marriage should be forever, no matter how pitiful or disgusting it may be to wake up to the same horrifying face each day. That's what the marriage vows are all about; and anyone who can't stand the nagging, bonbon-eating heat should stay out of the whining, sex-starved kitchen.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Gary: I've got to restock the store, and so I'm donating all of these old shoes to poor Filipino orphans.
Al: Well, they made them; why would they want them back?
Al: Well, they made them; why would they want them back?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: Hey, guess what? I finally got my masseuse license. You know what that means.
Bud: You can rub men and finally get paid for it?
Bud: You can rub men and finally get paid for it?
TV Show: Married... with Children
[a frumpy middle-aged woman walks into Al's shoe store]
Woman: I need shoes.
Al: Blacksmith's right around the corner.
Woman: I need shoes.
Al: Blacksmith's right around the corner.
TV Show: Married with Children
[In Al's fantasy]
Minister: Do you, Al Bundy, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Al: Do I look that stupid to you?
Minister: Do you, Al Bundy, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Al: Do I look that stupid to you?
TV Show: Married with Children
[Marcy has forced Jefferson to go to a men's sensitivity training session]
Al: Jefferson! Good, you're right on time. The Three Stooges marathon is about to start.
Jefferson: [monotone] The Three Stooges are not funny. You know who I think is funny? That Elaine Boozler is funny.
Al: Oh my God! Those women have brainwashed him. We'll have to deprogram him! [holds up two fingers]
Al: Quick, how many fingers am I holding up? [pokes Jefferson in the eyes]
Jefferson: Whoa, thanks Al. They almost had me that time.
Al: Jefferson! Good, you're right on time. The Three Stooges marathon is about to start.
Jefferson: [monotone] The Three Stooges are not funny. You know who I think is funny? That Elaine Boozler is funny.
Al: Oh my God! Those women have brainwashed him. We'll have to deprogram him! [holds up two fingers]
Al: Quick, how many fingers am I holding up? [pokes Jefferson in the eyes]
Jefferson: Whoa, thanks Al. They almost had me that time.
TV Show: Married with Children
[repeated line]
Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal: This is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal!
Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal: This is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal!
TV Show: Married with Children
[the "Psycho Dad" theme]
TV Announcer: [singing] A little touched, or so we're told/Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold/Might as well, she was gettin' old!/Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!/He's quick with a gun!/And his job ain't done!/Killed three wives by twenty-one/He's Psycho Dad!
Al: This is why we must give to PBS.
TV Announcer: [singing] A little touched, or so we're told/Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold/Might as well, she was gettin' old!/Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!/He's quick with a gun!/And his job ain't done!/Killed three wives by twenty-one/He's Psycho Dad!
Al: This is why we must give to PBS.
TV Show: Married with Children
Marcy: [imitating Al's caveman ancestors] Me no understand wheel thing. Wanna buy some shoes?
TV Show: Married with Children
Marcy: Oh, it's too bad some men don't know how to give up their sports gracefully instead of lingering on like big babies.
Al: Yeah, doggone it. If we could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila. You got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try and clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bag boy. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth.
TV Show: Married with Children
Marcy: What would it be like if men had breasts?
Al: We wouldn't need women any more.
TV Show: Married with Children
Kelly: [singing] Eighty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-nine bottles of beer, if one of those bottles should happen to fall... eighty-ten bottles of beer on the wall.
TV Show: Married with Children
Kelly: [Trying to read] Bud, what is this word?
Bud: 'A.'
Kelly: Oh cool, just like the letter.
TV Show: Married with Children