Married with Children Quotes
Marcy You know, Al. There may be something on this planet with fewer brain cells than you. But whatever it is -- wherever it is -- I'm sure its name is Bundy! You should be on all fours, carting a wagon full of borax across the desert! You're compost! You're phlegm! You are a true pork product!
Al: Are you gonna take my advice?
Marcy: [defeated] Yes.
Al: Are you gonna take my advice?
Marcy: [defeated] Yes.
TV Show: Married... with Children
[Everyone but Al is singing "You Are My Sunshine."]
Peg: Just the boys.
Bud and Uncle Irwin: Please don't take my sunshine away.
Peg: Just the girls.
Kelly and Uncle Otto: You'll never know, dear...
Peg: Just the boys.
Bud and Uncle Irwin: Please don't take my sunshine away.
Peg: Just the girls.
Kelly and Uncle Otto: You'll never know, dear...
TV Show: Married... with Children
Uncle Otto: You're not good enough for our family.
Al: Yeah, I've never been up on a morals charge.
Al: Yeah, I've never been up on a morals charge.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!
TV Show: Married... with Children
[Al tries to bribe Miss DeGroot with a doughnut.]
Miss DeGroot: Could it be that you don't have the $2000? Could it be that I was correct when I made an educated guess that you would fail in life?
Al: Could it be that the nails that hold your chair together are from the planet Krypton?
Miss DeGroot: Could it be that you don't have the $2000? Could it be that I was correct when I made an educated guess that you would fail in life?
Al: Could it be that the nails that hold your chair together are from the planet Krypton?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Steve: You know what we say at the bank: when opportunity knocks, that's us foreclosing.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: I'm Kelly. Remember, we met in the boys' shower the other day?
Matt: Oh, yeah, the soup girl.
Kelly: The soap girl. S-O-P-E.
Matt: Oh, yeah, the soup girl.
Kelly: The soap girl. S-O-P-E.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: [thinking] Poor Al. He's having such a miserable day. Gee, I hope he doesn't realize this jacket cost $200
Al: [thinking] My record is going to hell. No one will remember me, and my wife is wearing a $200 jacket.
Al: [thinking] My record is going to hell. No one will remember me, and my wife is wearing a $200 jacket.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: I didn't ask to be here, and I didn't ask to be born.
Al: Peg?
Peg: Well, it's her time of the month, Al.
Al: What the hell did we bring her for, then?
Bud: Squeak through another month, eh, Kel?
Kelly: Your mother.
Al: Peg?
Peg: Well, it's her time of the month, Al.
Al: What the hell did we bring her for, then?
Bud: Squeak through another month, eh, Kel?
Kelly: Your mother.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: If I retain any more water, they could build a pier across my butt.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: We don't need the lottery. We have each other.
Peg: I want the lottery.
Peg: I want the lottery.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: I swear that he is more in love with that toilet than he is with me.
Marcy: Oh, of course he is not.
Al: Hey, Peg [hugs the toilet]. Daddy loves you. Daddy loves you.
Peg: What does that toilet have that I don't?
Al: A job.
Marcy: Oh, of course he is not.
Al: Hey, Peg [hugs the toilet]. Daddy loves you. Daddy loves you.
Peg: What does that toilet have that I don't?
Al: A job.
TV Show: Married... with Children
[Al and Steve see beautiful women in the lingerie store.]
Al: I knew women looked like that. I knew it. I knew it.
Al: I knew women looked like that. I knew it. I knew it.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: [watching the store clerk walk away] Yeah, let's see the Japanese build a better one of those.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Steve: I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? What am I going to tell Marcy? What if she leaves me? Who'll have me? A bald banker. Did you ever see a bald guy flirt? It's pathetic. What's my fate, Al? To stand in a singles bar with a sign that says "Please"?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: Oh, Peggy, I'm so worried about Steve. He's acting very strangely. Last night we had sex and he wore a sombrero.
Peg: Ooh! The ribbed kind?
Marcy: On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.
Peg: You have to put your foot down. If I didn't, Al world still be wearing the walkman.
Peg: Ooh! The ribbed kind?
Marcy: On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.
Peg: You have to put your foot down. If I didn't, Al world still be wearing the walkman.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peggy: Steve and Marcy throw a nice party, don't they?
Al: Well, it would have been nicer if we were actually invited. You know, Peg, I didn't like those people very much. Bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me.
Peggy: Well, you did overflow the toilet and not tell anyone.
Al: I don't tell anyone when I do it here! But you gotta give me credit. I did try to liven things up!
Peggy: You know, I don't think a bankers' party is the right place to stand on the buffet and yell "Hey, let's wet down the wives' T-shirts and rate their hooters!"
Al: Well, it would have been nicer if we were actually invited. You know, Peg, I didn't like those people very much. Bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me.
Peggy: Well, you did overflow the toilet and not tell anyone.
Al: I don't tell anyone when I do it here! But you gotta give me credit. I did try to liven things up!
Peggy: You know, I don't think a bankers' party is the right place to stand on the buffet and yell "Hey, let's wet down the wives' T-shirts and rate their hooters!"
TV Show: Married... with Children
Madam Olga: I feel very strong vibrations here.
Al: [to Peg] Did you leave your toy running under the couch again?
Peg: No, it's in the shop getting turbo charged.
Al: [to Peg] Did you leave your toy running under the couch again?
Peg: No, it's in the shop getting turbo charged.
TV Show: Married... with Children
[Al comes in with a perm.]
Peg: You look like a fruit, Al.
Al: Thanks, Peg.
Bud: Pretty cool, Dad. You have that "no closet can hold me" look.
Kelly: Leave Dad alone, you guys. (to Al): You're still going to wear men's clothing, aren't you?
Peg: You look like a fruit, Al.
Al: Thanks, Peg.
Bud: Pretty cool, Dad. You have that "no closet can hold me" look.
Kelly: Leave Dad alone, you guys. (to Al): You're still going to wear men's clothing, aren't you?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Hopefully, wherever they buried Tony, they buried him face down so he wouldn't have to see my shame. 'Cause Al Bundy... is going to get washed... and blown.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: I don't wanna have sex with you. You're my wife, for Godsakes.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Steve: [stands up, clears his throat and goes to the jurors] Hello, everyone! Anyhow, my wife and I and Peggy and Al Bundy went to the Hop-On Inn to indulge in a little clean marital fun. On separate occasions, of course. During the course of our wholesome bliss, our romantic activities, the reaffirmation of the love we share, and... whatever the Bundys were doing... our conjugal privacy was invaded. Yes, we were violated by video cameras! [Marcy hides her face behind her hand.] But first I think you should hear some background that I believe is germane to this case. My grandfather came to this country, poor man...
[Minutes go by.]
Steve: Then, in World War II, my uncle Nick wiped out more Nazi dogs with venereal disease...
[Minutes go by.]
Steve: Then, in World War II, my uncle Nick wiped out more Nazi dogs with venereal disease...
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: [ordering dinner for everyone in a high-class restaurant] Four steaks. Nuke 'em.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Hey, kids, whaddya say? You wanna go out for a nice dinner tomorrow?
Bud: We wanna see Tears and Vomit.
Al: Well, you see that when your mom cooks.
Bud: We wanna see Tears and Vomit.
Al: Well, you see that when your mom cooks.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: I forgot my wallet Peg.
Bud: He's such a nerd.
Peg: Now kids, give your father a chance. (To Al) So what are your going to do idiot?
Bud: He's such a nerd.
Peg: Now kids, give your father a chance. (To Al) So what are your going to do idiot?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: How long do you think it will take them?
Al: Well, it took us 40 minutes to get here one way & knowing how Kelly drives, they should be there & back in about 8 minutes.
Al: Well, it took us 40 minutes to get here one way & knowing how Kelly drives, they should be there & back in about 8 minutes.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: [awakens from her sugar coma] Mom, I had the most horrible dream: I was married to a shoe salesman.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: Mom, when I grow up I want to be just like you. I want to do nothing, I want to be nothing.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: There are two things Bundys don't do: we don't eat vegetables and we don't tap.
TV Show: Married... with Children