Married with Children Quotes
Girl Scout: You can't tell me you're not hungry. My daddy says you eat bugs and dirt.
Al: Well, you go home and tell your daddy you have the mailman's eyes.
Girl Scout: [holds up a box of cookies] It's food.
Al: [takes the box of macaroons] All right, gimme a box of these macaroons.
Girl Scout: [snatches it back from Al] Cash only, deadbeat.
Al: I don't have any cash. Gimme some credit?
Girl Scout: [walks off] Eat a bug.
Al: Wet a bed.
Al: Well, you go home and tell your daddy you have the mailman's eyes.
Girl Scout: [holds up a box of cookies] It's food.
Al: [takes the box of macaroons] All right, gimme a box of these macaroons.
Girl Scout: [snatches it back from Al] Cash only, deadbeat.
Al: I don't have any cash. Gimme some credit?
Girl Scout: [walks off] Eat a bug.
Al: Wet a bed.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today.
Al: A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?
Al: A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?
Bud: Five bowls a-flushing?
Peg: Four 'roids a-throbbing?
Kelly: Three nose hairs waving?
Bud: Two children starving?
Peg: One untouched wife.
Bud: Five bowls a-flushing?
Peg: Four 'roids a-throbbing?
Kelly: Three nose hairs waving?
Bud: Two children starving?
Peg: One untouched wife.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: [to some kids] Who wants to hear about the red-haired Grinch that stole Uncle Al's life?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Angel: I know you think you got it tough. Your wife doesn't respect you. Your kids think you're a failure. A good day for you is when you don't come across any new foot diseases... Believe me, I sympathize. But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal. My wife gained a hundred pounds for every year we were married. We had two kids. I think she ate 'em, I dunno. I hated driving home so much I had vanity plates written up that said "Hit me." But despite it all, she loved me. You know how I know? Because she told me. Oh, yeah. When I was at work, she loved my father, my brother, my bookie... but when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise. That's when I did what any other man would do, Bundy. I canceled my insurance and I hung myself. Showed her, huh?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Bud, quick. What's more important: love or money?
Bud: Money. I can always rent love.
Al: Kelly, what's the color of an orange?
Kelly: Right now? No multiple choice? Straight off the top of my head?
Bud: Money. I can always rent love.
Al: Kelly, what's the color of an orange?
Kelly: Right now? No multiple choice? Straight off the top of my head?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Al, just call a roofer.
Al: There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's broken, call someone. Something's leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?
Bud: Well we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests haven't come back from the lab yet.
Kelly: Chew Dad's socks!
Bud: Eat Mom's food!
Al: There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's broken, call someone. Something's leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?
Bud: Well we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests haven't come back from the lab yet.
Kelly: Chew Dad's socks!
Bud: Eat Mom's food!
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: It's a good thing I did the taxes. If claiming two children as dependents gets you $300, imagine what 23 kids is worth!
Al: The gas chamber?
Al: The gas chamber?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: I want a vacation.
Al: Peg, if you wanna visit someplace new, try the kitchen. Oh, and why don't you get a picture of yourself with the refrigerator. You know, "Ol' Empty"?
Al: Peg, if you wanna visit someplace new, try the kitchen. Oh, and why don't you get a picture of yourself with the refrigerator. You know, "Ol' Empty"?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: God, I hate men!
Al: I thought you were man's best friend. Oh wait, that's a dog, not a chicken. Sorry, Marce.
Al: I thought you were man's best friend. Oh wait, that's a dog, not a chicken. Sorry, Marce.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Yummy: I love a man who's on top of things.
Al: And I love a woman with things on top.
Al: And I love a woman with things on top.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: Well, now I know everything will be okay. Because the man who sifts through my garbage for food is going to break the bank in Las Vegas.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: Dad, when you were in school, did a girl ever did something to you that ruined your entire life?
Al: Yes, and you call that girl "Mom" now.
Al: Yes, and you call that girl "Mom" now.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Sure, before you marry them, all women like football. But as soon as you say "I do"... they put on forty pounds, and the only hike you'll see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: [using a kitchen pot as a bongo drum] Oh, man, we're broke, cha cha cha.
Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha.
Living in the gutter, cha cha cha.
Early grave, cha cha cha.
Everybody — shoot me!
Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha.
Living in the gutter, cha cha cha.
Early grave, cha cha cha.
Everybody — shoot me!
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: Today, when I, like the rest of the nation, was wondering where East Dakota was, the weatherman told the manager that either I went or he went.
Marcy: Oh, well. Losing your first job isn't so bad.
Kelly: Me? They canned him like a tuna.
Marcy: Oh, well. Losing your first job isn't so bad.
Kelly: Me? They canned him like a tuna.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: Peggy, I need to ask you something. Have you ever done something that you didn't remember the next day?
Peg: Well, having the kids.
Marcy: No, I mean have you ever done anything that you really regretted?
Peg: Having the kids.
Peg: Well, having the kids.
Marcy: No, I mean have you ever done anything that you really regretted?
Peg: Having the kids.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: You see, yard sales are based on the "Bigger Idiot Theory." That there is nothing too stupid that some bigger idiot won't come along and buy it. The problem is that, eventually, you get to the head idiot and you call her "Mom."
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: The babes will be calling plenty soon. I'm a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I'm a senior. And ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, he's dry.
Kelly: Until he goes to sleep.
Kelly: Until he goes to sleep.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: God, what a day in the shoe store. We had a clearance sale. We had to get rid of all our size 13DDDD. The store was packed with women. Well, there were actually only two in the store, but it was wall to wall.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: So, are you really sick? You're not trying to get out of going to see my mother.
Al: Now, Peg. That hurts. You know how much I love that huge fat woman.
Al: Now, Peg. That hurts. You know how much I love that huge fat woman.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Once upon a time, there was a man who sold shoes. He was a good man, but somehow, good things never came to him. Did I mention he was a great athlete in high school? People cheered him. That was before the...Red THING appeared. Darkness fell on Shoetown. Who would take on the Red Beast? Who would battle? Who would marry it? The little shoeman stepped forward. Or perhaps the others just stepped back? At any rate, an unholy union was born. So were two unholy children. And the lowly shoeman, who once had been a mighty athlete in high school and scored 4 touchdowns in one game and had many offers to junior colleges and could've made something of his life! Laid down, and died. The End.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Luckily the cop liked oldies, so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude." Then he wrote me up 18 tickets, including the one for bleeding on his pad.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Peg, we don't need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay, you never get anything back. Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: [three steps away from home plate] Before I cross home plate and bring home the first-ever championship to the Mallers, I would just like to say that... [á la Lou Gehrig] Today... today... today..., I consider you... you... you... the luckiest team on the face of the earth... earth... earth. And in closing I'd like to say, I hate you all, and I thank no one but myself. As of today, I, Al Bundy, am finished with baseball. [takes one step for every letter, the last one jumping on home plate] M... V... P!
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Peg, feed me something or feed me to something. I just wanna be part of the food chain.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: I'm not cooking tonight, you know.
Al: Uh-oh. Then I guess I just have to live on love.
Peg: Not with me. I'm on strike.
Al: Oh, no. Then I guess I just have to live.
Al: Uh-oh. Then I guess I just have to live on love.
Peg: Not with me. I'm on strike.
Al: Oh, no. Then I guess I just have to live.
TV Show: Married... with Children