Married with Children Quotes
Al: Let me tell you a little something about sharing: don't do it. It can only come to trouble. Your mother and I shared a bed; nothing good came out of it.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Now Mr. Grover over here, he doesn't believe in Halloween. So I say we ring his doorbell over and over again anyhow.
Bud: Well, how come?
Peg: He's a Jehovah's Witness and I just want him to know what it feels like for a change.
Bud: Well, how come?
Peg: He's a Jehovah's Witness and I just want him to know what it feels like for a change.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Okay. Well, maybe I have called death once, twice or a hundred times. But it's just something you say but you don't mean — you know, like "How ya doing?" or "I love you."
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Al Bundy, all class, all the time.
Aaron: Wait a second: Al Bundy, the All-State Al Bundy?
Al: I was.
Aaron: I thought you died in Vietnam.
Al: Well, uh, actually, I, uh, started that rumour. See, truth be told, I died here at home, victim of Agent Red.
Aaron: Wait a second: Al Bundy, the All-State Al Bundy?
Al: I was.
Aaron: I thought you died in Vietnam.
Al: Well, uh, actually, I, uh, started that rumour. See, truth be told, I died here at home, victim of Agent Red.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Now listen here, Jerry. Bowling is a man's sport. If God had wanted women to bowl, he'd have put breasts on their backs to give us something to watch till it was our turn.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: It's not the dress that makes you look fat, it's the fat that makes you look fat!
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: Al Bundy! Take off your mask...and let the world see your snout!
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: OK, I admit it. There are times I do need a man in my life. Oh, boys!
Chicago Police enter and arrest all the men
Officer Dan: Is that Jerry Springer?
Patrolman: Yes, sir.
Officer Dan: Leave him tied up!
Chicago Police enter and arrest all the men
Officer Dan: Is that Jerry Springer?
Patrolman: Yes, sir.
Officer Dan: Leave him tied up!
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Well, if you came with a remote and mute button, I might turn you too every now and then.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: This is the lowest thing I've ever done. Okay, the lowest thing I've ever been paid to do. Okay, the lowest thing I've been paid to do that I didn't enjoy.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Doctor: This was one of those unfortunate accidents due to simple human error. It seems our surgical team misread your doctor's instructions; it said to give him a circular incision.
Peg: Yeah, so how could you misread that?
Doctor: We gave him a circumcision.
Peg: Yeah, so how could you misread that?
Doctor: We gave him a circumcision.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: Hey, Stubby, we heard about what happened, so we got you a card.
Jefferson: I talked her out of the "Ask me about me circumcision" bumper sticker.
Marcy: [reading from the card] We heard about your little loss. We know you'll make it through, Because thankfully the part they took Was of no use to you. And though they took more than you'd like, The good luck is, you see, Another quarter inch would have been A full lobotomy.
Jefferson: I talked her out of the "Ask me about me circumcision" bumper sticker.
Marcy: [reading from the card] We heard about your little loss. We know you'll make it through, Because thankfully the part they took Was of no use to you. And though they took more than you'd like, The good luck is, you see, Another quarter inch would have been A full lobotomy.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Al, guess what I got?
Al: You got a Christmas present for me?
Peg: Uh, no, but I could go back out again. Do you got any money?
Al: Well, I was saving up for a bullet.
Al: You got a Christmas present for me?
Peg: Uh, no, but I could go back out again. Do you got any money?
Al: Well, I was saving up for a bullet.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Oh, my God. The power's off, there's no tv. What are we going to do ,Peg?
Peg: Well, we could cuddle.
Al: Be serious, Peg.
Peg: Well, we could cuddle.
Al: Be serious, Peg.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Fat woman: How dare you say that to my face?
Al: I'd say it behind your back, but my car only has half a tank of gas!
Al: I'd say it behind your back, but my car only has half a tank of gas!
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: The things that happen when you forget to pack your cyanide pill.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Well, let's see: I have an unemployed actress for a daughter... a son who'd have sex with a fire hydrant.
Peg: Oh, happy day. My TV Guide cover collector plates are here.
Al: Gee, I wonder where the next bolt of lightning will strike.
Peg: Oh, happy day. My TV Guide cover collector plates are here.
Al: Gee, I wonder where the next bolt of lightning will strike.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Ah, you two are the best kids any dad could accidentally have.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: I'm taking this fight to the place that stands for liberty, that stands for freedom of expression.
Jefferson: The Nudie Bar?
Al: No, but maybe first.
Jefferson: The Nudie Bar?
Al: No, but maybe first.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: If God wanted people to shoot a bow, He wouldn't have invented assault weapons.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Al, you're tracking mud on the carpet.
Al: It's not all mud; some of it is colon.
Al: It's not all mud; some of it is colon.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: Daddy might have been able to look me in the eye and break when the police brought me home at 2: 00 in the morning, but I am not 11 any more.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Peg, what is it with you? You can change six D batteries in the dark, but you can't find a two-ton automobile.
Peg: Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark.
Peg: Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Jefferson: It took forever for them to leave.
Al: Yeah; but much like a roid, they come back with a vengeance.
Al: Yeah; but much like a roid, they come back with a vengeance.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: Dad, we got a problem.
Kelly: We were out walking Buck when we ran into Mrs. Stewart.
Bud: She was wearing her yellow slicker and I guess Buck must've thought she was a fire hydrant.
Kelly: We were out walking Buck when we ran into Mrs. Stewart.
Bud: She was wearing her yellow slicker and I guess Buck must've thought she was a fire hydrant.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: What are you guys laughing at?
Jefferson: Nothing. We're just happy to be here with the women we love.
Al: And you guys.
Jefferson: Nothing. We're just happy to be here with the women we love.
Al: And you guys.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Did I thank you for inviting me on this cruise, Peg?
Peg: Well, as a matter of fact you haven't.
Al: Well, then, maybe a simple stake through the heart would suffice.
Peg: Well, as a matter of fact you haven't.
Al: Well, then, maybe a simple stake through the heart would suffice.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Gee, I can't believe how small it is.
Peg: Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that.
Peg: Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that.
TV Show: Married... with Children