Men Behaving Badly Quotes
Gary: What exactly do lesbians do?
Tony: I dunno, I suppose they just, sort of... rub each other.
Gary: Yeaah, doesn't seem enough, somehow, does it?
Tony: And one lies on top of the other one, and...
Gary/Tony: ...get off again.
Gary: Brilliant.
Tony: Fantastic.
Tony: I dunno, I suppose they just, sort of... rub each other.
Gary: Yeaah, doesn't seem enough, somehow, does it?
Tony: And one lies on top of the other one, and...
Gary/Tony: ...get off again.
Gary: Brilliant.
Tony: Fantastic.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
[Deborah leaves Judy at the bar with Tony]
Tony: So how are you two lesbians? Ladians, er... ladies.
Judy: Sorry?
Tony: Are you sleeping with Deborah? Erm... are you sleeping in the same flat as Deborah, at the same time on whatever basis?
Judy: Yes, just for a few days.
Tony: What... kind of things do you get up to?
Judy: Y'know, just running around together.
Tony: Naked?
Judy: "Naked"?
Tony: Oh, I'm sorry, I've got this disease that makes me say the wrong word.
Judy: What's it called?
Tony: I don't know. I live underneath Deborah.
Judy: Oh, lucky you, must be nice and warm.
[Tony looks shocked]
Tony: Do you eat food?
Judy: Why?
Tony: I was wondering if you'd like to go for a meal with me sometime.
Judy: I don't think so.
Tony: Any particular reason why?
Judy: Just a question of taste I suppose.
Tony: Okay, your lifestyle choice.
[Deborah returns from toilet]
Tony: That'll be one pound sexy, er, sixty.
Tony: So how are you two lesbians? Ladians, er... ladies.
Judy: Sorry?
Tony: Are you sleeping with Deborah? Erm... are you sleeping in the same flat as Deborah, at the same time on whatever basis?
Judy: Yes, just for a few days.
Tony: What... kind of things do you get up to?
Judy: Y'know, just running around together.
Tony: Naked?
Judy: "Naked"?
Tony: Oh, I'm sorry, I've got this disease that makes me say the wrong word.
Judy: What's it called?
Tony: I don't know. I live underneath Deborah.
Judy: Oh, lucky you, must be nice and warm.
[Tony looks shocked]
Tony: Do you eat food?
Judy: Why?
Tony: I was wondering if you'd like to go for a meal with me sometime.
Judy: I don't think so.
Tony: Any particular reason why?
Judy: Just a question of taste I suppose.
Tony: Okay, your lifestyle choice.
[Deborah returns from toilet]
Tony: That'll be one pound sexy, er, sixty.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
[Gary, Dorothy, Deborah and Tony are in a car, lost whilst looking for a rave]
Dorothy: I've had enough. I'm turning back.
Gary: [drunkenly] Had enough? Turning back? Are you mad? Are you... madder than Brian Mad of Madcastle? Are you!?
Deborah: Come on, it's two o'clock in the morning.
Gary: No! Absolutely no; we're having a brilliant time! It's two o'clock, and we haven't even got there yet, now that's very fashionable - I read it in a magazine, of, er... well some sort [pauses] or other.
Dorothy: I've had enough. I'm turning back.
Gary: [drunkenly] Had enough? Turning back? Are you mad? Are you... madder than Brian Mad of Madcastle? Are you!?
Deborah: Come on, it's two o'clock in the morning.
Gary: No! Absolutely no; we're having a brilliant time! It's two o'clock, and we haven't even got there yet, now that's very fashionable - I read it in a magazine, of, er... well some sort [pauses] or other.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
[Gary & Tony are drunk and playing Monopoly; Tony is rolling the die]
Tony: Eight, eight... yeah! Three. Ooh, chance. Nervous, really nervous. Haa, yeah! Get outta jail free card! Is that just for Monopoly, or does it work in real life too?
Gary: I think it's just fornopoly
[they sit back and Tony uncovers his belly]
Tony: You see, the thing about the human body is, as we know, is that it is a temple.
Gary: Yep
Tony: It's just that my temple seems to have grown into a slightly larger temple.
Gary: With a big wobbly dome
[Gary jiggles Tony's belly]
Tony: Anyway, there's a load of nonsense talked about fat, i'n't there? I mean, no-one ever went up to Winston Churchill, and said, "Hey, Winnie, you can't lead Britain in to victory in the Second World War, because you're a bit of a chubber".
Gary: Or, "Excuse me, Mister Meat Loaf, you seem to be carrying an extra few pounds around, you can make no more hit records until you can squeez into some smaller denims". Do you want another oyster?
Tony: No, thanks, mate. They disagree with me.
Gary: [as oyster] "No we don't!"
[both laugh drunkenly]
Tony: Eight, eight... yeah! Three. Ooh, chance. Nervous, really nervous. Haa, yeah! Get outta jail free card! Is that just for Monopoly, or does it work in real life too?
Gary: I think it's just fornopoly
[they sit back and Tony uncovers his belly]
Tony: You see, the thing about the human body is, as we know, is that it is a temple.
Gary: Yep
Tony: It's just that my temple seems to have grown into a slightly larger temple.
Gary: With a big wobbly dome
[Gary jiggles Tony's belly]
Tony: Anyway, there's a load of nonsense talked about fat, i'n't there? I mean, no-one ever went up to Winston Churchill, and said, "Hey, Winnie, you can't lead Britain in to victory in the Second World War, because you're a bit of a chubber".
Gary: Or, "Excuse me, Mister Meat Loaf, you seem to be carrying an extra few pounds around, you can make no more hit records until you can squeez into some smaller denims". Do you want another oyster?
Tony: No, thanks, mate. They disagree with me.
Gary: [as oyster] "No we don't!"
[both laugh drunkenly]
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
Dorothy: Gary, when I was away, did you sleep with a woman?
Gary: How do you mean "woman"?
Dorothy: A woman. You know, the ones with what you and Tony call "shirt potatoes".
Gary: How do you mean "woman"?
Dorothy: A woman. You know, the ones with what you and Tony call "shirt potatoes".
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
Gary: You know Felicity Kendal?
Deborah/Dorothy: Yes.
Gary: She was deliciously pert, wasn't she?
Deborah/Dorothy: Yes.
Deborah/Dorothy: Yes.
Gary: She was deliciously pert, wasn't she?
Deborah/Dorothy: Yes.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
Gary: You know the Magic Roundabout?
Deborah/Dorothy: Yes?
Gary: What the Hell was that all about?
Deborah/Dorothy: Yes?
Gary: What the Hell was that all about?
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
Tony: Debs, will you do me a favour?
Deborah: What?
Tony: Will you have sex with me in a tree?
Deborah: What?
Tony: Will you have sex with me in a tree?
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
[to Dorothy's ten-year-old nephew, Jonathan]
Gary: Grow up to be a decent member of society.
Tony: Play lots of sport.
Gary: Eat fruit, and, er, celery, and help old ladies cross the street, that sort of thing.
Tony: Mmm, except Debs' mum.
Gary: Yeah. Don't help her.
Tony: No. Hinder her.
Gary: Hinder her from crossing the street.
Gary: Grow up to be a decent member of society.
Tony: Play lots of sport.
Gary: Eat fruit, and, er, celery, and help old ladies cross the street, that sort of thing.
Tony: Mmm, except Debs' mum.
Gary: Yeah. Don't help her.
Tony: No. Hinder her.
Gary: Hinder her from crossing the street.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
[calling out to Jonathan as he leaves]
Tony: And just remember, eat plenty of celery.
Gary: Yeah, and help old ladies across the street.
Tony: Yeah, except Debs' mum!
Gary: Yeah, except Debs' mum!
[Deborah's mum appears behind them]
Tony: Because she's not old!
Gary: Not old.
Tony: Not in the slightest.
Gary: In any way.
Tony: At all.
Gary: Leg it.
Tony: And just remember, eat plenty of celery.
Gary: Yeah, and help old ladies across the street.
Tony: Yeah, except Debs' mum!
Gary: Yeah, except Debs' mum!
[Deborah's mum appears behind them]
Tony: Because she's not old!
Gary: Not old.
Tony: Not in the slightest.
Gary: In any way.
Tony: At all.
Gary: Leg it.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
Dorothy: Gary, you must've had this sofa for 25 years.
Gary: Yeah, and my parents kept the polythene on for the first six.
Dorothy: It's got some horrible stains on it.
Gary: Where?
Dorothy: There. There. There. There.
Deborah: There. Here. There.
Dorothy: There. There. There.
Deborah: There.
Gary: Well, I can't see any.
Deborah: Oh, and what's that, there?
Dorothy: Err.
Gary: Ooh, yeah, that is a bit worrying.
Gary: Yeah, and my parents kept the polythene on for the first six.
Dorothy: It's got some horrible stains on it.
Gary: Where?
Dorothy: There. There. There. There.
Deborah: There. Here. There.
Dorothy: There. There. There.
Deborah: There.
Gary: Well, I can't see any.
Deborah: Oh, and what's that, there?
Dorothy: Err.
Gary: Ooh, yeah, that is a bit worrying.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
Gary: ...the work thing never really gelled for you, did it?
Tony: Gelled, no. Well it's not natural is it? Man was meant to hunt, fish and forage in the open air.
Gary: Well, why aren't you doing that, then?
Tony: You know I get a bit chesty in the open air.
Tony: Gelled, no. Well it's not natural is it? Man was meant to hunt, fish and forage in the open air.
Gary: Well, why aren't you doing that, then?
Tony: You know I get a bit chesty in the open air.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
[on Dorothy & Gary's baby attempts]
Gary: I'll tell you a secret, you have to promise not to tell anyone though.
Tony: Sure.
Gary: To be honest, I'm having a bit of a problem... performing.
Tony: What, you mean...
Gary: Yeah.
Tony: The fire's burning but the logs not going in?
Gary: Yeah.
Tony: Mr. Toad's still curled up in Toad Hall?
Gary: Yeah.
Tony: The magic bus doesn't want to go to Manchester?
Gary: Thanks, no, it doesn't. Still, it's not a problem, happens to most men, sometime in their life.
Tony: Sure, mate, no, you'll be alright.
Gary: Thanks, mate.
Tony: Doesn't make you any less of a man, does it? Just because... you're a big poof.
[Tony runs away]
Gary: What?
Gary: I'll tell you a secret, you have to promise not to tell anyone though.
Tony: Sure.
Gary: To be honest, I'm having a bit of a problem... performing.
Tony: What, you mean...
Gary: Yeah.
Tony: The fire's burning but the logs not going in?
Gary: Yeah.
Tony: Mr. Toad's still curled up in Toad Hall?
Gary: Yeah.
Tony: The magic bus doesn't want to go to Manchester?
Gary: Thanks, no, it doesn't. Still, it's not a problem, happens to most men, sometime in their life.
Tony: Sure, mate, no, you'll be alright.
Gary: Thanks, mate.
Tony: Doesn't make you any less of a man, does it? Just because... you're a big poof.
[Tony runs away]
Gary: What?
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
[on Gary's impotence]
Ken: Hello, Gary, I hear the old Boy Scout's not going into the sleeping bag.
Ken: Hello, Gary, I hear the old Boy Scout's not going into the sleeping bag.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
[on Gary's impotence]
Tony: I hear there's been a power-cut in the Little Hampton area
Tony: I hear there's been a power-cut in the Little Hampton area
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
[on Gary's impotence]
Dorothy: It doesn't matter, love.
Gary: I know it doesn't.
Dorothy: Well, it does actually, if we're trying to have a baby.
Dorothy: It doesn't matter, love.
Gary: I know it doesn't.
Dorothy: Well, it does actually, if we're trying to have a baby.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
Gary: I've always thought a good name for a folk band would be: "Folk Off And Die, Folkhead".
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
Deborah: It can take a long time to get pregnant, can't it?
Tony: Oh yeah, everything has to be right, the womb has to be in the right cycle; the, um, placebo has to be aligned with the aviary; and the seed must be freed.
Tony: Oh yeah, everything has to be right, the womb has to be in the right cycle; the, um, placebo has to be aligned with the aviary; and the seed must be freed.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
Gary: [drunk] You know, I've never said this before...
Tony: [drunk] What?
Gary: "Ibble-wibble wibble".
[both laugh drunkenly]
Tony: [drunk] What?
Gary: "Ibble-wibble wibble".
[both laugh drunkenly]
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
Dorothy: Gary doesn't understand periods. He thinks they're something to do with the moon.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
[Tony is trying to destroy a giant plastic fish with a finger-nail-file]
Deborah: I saw Gary kissing a woman.
[Tony stops filing]
Tony: A woman other than Dorothy?
Deborah: Yes.
Tony: Are you sure it wasn't Dorothy in disguise?
Deborah: Yes.
Tony: Or someone disguised as Gary?
Deborah: Yes.
Tony: Blimey... Wayhey!
Deborah: No, Tony, not "wayhey".
Tony: No, not "wayhey", sorry.
Deborah: Gary seemed really keen on this girl, and Dorothy thinks she's pregnant, it's all a big mess.
Tony: Oh, yes. Still, wayhey!
Deborah: No!
Tony: No. No, not, no.
Deborah: Talk to Gary, he'll listen to you.
Tony: He doesn't do anything I tell him to do, except for his Ken Dodd impression, he doesn't mind doing that.
Deborah: Well, find this girl, warn her off Gary. She's one of the delegates. I think her name's Wendy. Here...
[She takes one of Gary's suits from the cupboard]
...wear this, and mingle.
Tony: Alright, but you must stay, and file my fish.
Deborah: No.
Deborah: I saw Gary kissing a woman.
[Tony stops filing]
Tony: A woman other than Dorothy?
Deborah: Yes.
Tony: Are you sure it wasn't Dorothy in disguise?
Deborah: Yes.
Tony: Or someone disguised as Gary?
Deborah: Yes.
Tony: Blimey... Wayhey!
Deborah: No, Tony, not "wayhey".
Tony: No, not "wayhey", sorry.
Deborah: Gary seemed really keen on this girl, and Dorothy thinks she's pregnant, it's all a big mess.
Tony: Oh, yes. Still, wayhey!
Deborah: No!
Tony: No. No, not, no.
Deborah: Talk to Gary, he'll listen to you.
Tony: He doesn't do anything I tell him to do, except for his Ken Dodd impression, he doesn't mind doing that.
Deborah: Well, find this girl, warn her off Gary. She's one of the delegates. I think her name's Wendy. Here...
[She takes one of Gary's suits from the cupboard]
...wear this, and mingle.
Tony: Alright, but you must stay, and file my fish.
Deborah: No.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
Gary: Dorothy thinks she might be pregnant.
Tony: How do they know?
Gary: I don't know, I think it's something to do with... no, I don't know.
Tony: How do they know?
Gary: I don't know, I think it's something to do with... no, I don't know.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
Tony: Are you alright?
Dorothy: Well, let's see, everything's twice the size it was nine months ago and I'm growing another head inside me.
Dorothy: Well, let's see, everything's twice the size it was nine months ago and I'm growing another head inside me.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
Gary: [drunk] I'm sorry if I've ever been mean, have I ever been mean?
George/Anthea: Yes
Gary: No, be honest. I think we should be more honest. Or do I mean more sexy?
George/Anthea: Yes
Gary: No, be honest. I think we should be more honest. Or do I mean more sexy?
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
[Dorothy has been in labour for four hours]
Dorothy: FUCK! FUCK! BASTARD MEN! YOU BASTARD, BASTARD MEN! Sorry, was I shouting?
Midwife: Just a bit. Nearly there.
[knocks at the door]
Dorothy: WHAT FUCKING TIME DO YOU CALL THIS, YOU FUCKER?!
Dorothy: FUCK! FUCK! BASTARD MEN! YOU BASTARD, BASTARD MEN! Sorry, was I shouting?
Midwife: Just a bit. Nearly there.
[knocks at the door]
Dorothy: WHAT FUCKING TIME DO YOU CALL THIS, YOU FUCKER?!
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
[Gary has just knocked out the midwife with a door]
Gary: [drunk] That's probably normal.
Gary: [drunk] That's probably normal.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
Gary: [drunk] That's alright I'll call the ambulance, what's the number? It's 9 - something.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
[Dorothy is in labour; Tony & Gary are drinking lagers]
Gary: Bottoms up. NOT YOU, LOVE!
Gary: Bottoms up. NOT YOU, LOVE!
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
Deborah: Oh look Tony I'm really sorry if I've hurt you.
Tony: How do you mean?
Deborah: Oh, y'know, me going out with Ray.
Tony: Hardly even noticed to be honest.
Deborah: So why did you open the window and shout "get lost smug estate agent bastard" at him?
Tony: No, you see that wasn't him, that was this other estate agent on the other side of the road.
Deborah: And he says he caught you pushing potato peelings through his car window.
Tony: Oh yeah, I did do that. What, so you want me to stop?
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly
Gary Strang: [talking about women's pain threshold] I mean, look at the fuss women make about child birth. Now, I'm not saying it doesn't smart a bit, but if blokes did it, I reckon you'd be looking at, what, give birth, have a couple of Paracetamol, maybe a bit of a nap and then back to work within the hour.
TV Show: Men Behaving Badly