Metalocalypse Quotes
Nathan: And now, the blackest present for the most brutal of all bass players... [the gift box falls open, empty] ... NOOOOTHING!
Murderface: Oh, you suck! You all suck!
Nathan: Awwww, what's wrong?
Skwisgaar: Ah yeah, go play records backwards and kill yourself.
Pickles: Hey fatso! We got your favorite thing: disappointment!
Murderface: Oh, you suck! You all suck!
Nathan: Awwww, what's wrong?
Skwisgaar: Ah yeah, go play records backwards and kill yourself.
Pickles: Hey fatso! We got your favorite thing: disappointment!
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Nathan: Attention! You big baby!
Skwisgaar: Ah, what are you doing? Going for a crybaby walk?
Murderface: Hey! Why's everybody wearing camouflage? Joining the Marines?
Nathan: We wanted to, uhh, surprise you. In outfits.
Murderface: Y'look like stupid Navy Seals.
Nathan: That's part of the surprise.
Murderface: Why?
Nathan: Because it makes us harder to see! That's awesome.
Pickles: Hey douchefag! [a car is lowered in front of Murderface] Happy Birthday!
Nathan: Well, what do you think?
Toki: Big fat tires and everything!
Murderface: But I already got, like, a million limos.
Pickles: Dude, not like this one. This is the limo that Kennedy got his brains smashed open in with a bullet! [makes gunshot noises]
Nathan: It's all souped up... and desecrated.
Skwisgaar: Yeah, dude, and the driver's seat is the chair from, like, where President Wrinkloln was shot. And assassinated in.
Pickles: And... you're entered in the first-ever Dethklok Dethmolition Klok-a-matae Deth Derby!
Toki: And I made you this macaroni murder lady. What used to be the red hots were the blood, but I ates them.
Murderface: You mean I get to destroy United States history... LITERALLY!? [sheds a tear of blood]
Skwisgaar: Ah, what are you doing? Going for a crybaby walk?
Murderface: Hey! Why's everybody wearing camouflage? Joining the Marines?
Nathan: We wanted to, uhh, surprise you. In outfits.
Murderface: Y'look like stupid Navy Seals.
Nathan: That's part of the surprise.
Murderface: Why?
Nathan: Because it makes us harder to see! That's awesome.
Pickles: Hey douchefag! [a car is lowered in front of Murderface] Happy Birthday!
Nathan: Well, what do you think?
Toki: Big fat tires and everything!
Murderface: But I already got, like, a million limos.
Pickles: Dude, not like this one. This is the limo that Kennedy got his brains smashed open in with a bullet! [makes gunshot noises]
Nathan: It's all souped up... and desecrated.
Skwisgaar: Yeah, dude, and the driver's seat is the chair from, like, where President Wrinkloln was shot. And assassinated in.
Pickles: And... you're entered in the first-ever Dethklok Dethmolition Klok-a-matae Deth Derby!
Toki: And I made you this macaroni murder lady. What used to be the red hots were the blood, but I ates them.
Murderface: You mean I get to destroy United States history... LITERALLY!? [sheds a tear of blood]
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Nathan Explosion: Idea for song: Mur... murder... a guy, a guy gets murdered... and eaten... at an all-you-can-eat buffet, yeah...
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Last time I was in Finland... Last time I was in Finland I must have you-know-what-ed about, mmm, five hundred girls.
Nathan : OH! and that happens forever! Yeah.
Skwisgaar: Ballspark estimate. Whatever.
Toki Wartooth: Not like it's so hard. You in the biggest band in the world.
Skwisgaar: Women have a -
Toki: [irritably] Brags about eating lollipops, he works in lollipop factory!
Skwisgaar: Women have a quality attraction to me. Mmm, you got to deal with it.
Toki: Oh, I'm dealing with it. Believe me, I'm holding back gallons of throw-up as we speak!
Skwisgaar: Don't do me any favors, throw up on yourself.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Last time I was in Finland... Last time I was in Finland I must have you-know-what-ed about, mmm, five hundred girls.
Nathan : OH! and that happens forever! Yeah.
Skwisgaar: Ballspark estimate. Whatever.
Toki Wartooth: Not like it's so hard. You in the biggest band in the world.
Skwisgaar: Women have a -
Toki: [irritably] Brags about eating lollipops, he works in lollipop factory!
Skwisgaar: Women have a quality attraction to me. Mmm, you got to deal with it.
Toki: Oh, I'm dealing with it. Believe me, I'm holding back gallons of throw-up as we speak!
Skwisgaar: Don't do me any favors, throw up on yourself.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Toki: [picks up Dethphone, its spikes poking him in the face] This is heavy. It hurts my face. Boy, I really hates it.
Charles Ofdensen: Well, it's your design. You may have been drunk, but you made a really convincing case to me.
Nathan: All right, you know we get really, really excited about really bad ideas when we drink, and it's your job to talk us out of it.
Ofdensen: Oh, I tried. I tried very hard, but you all threatened to kill me, if you don't remember.
Pickles the Drummer: So? Big deal, those threats aren't new.
Ofdensen: Mhm? Noted. Anyway look, you're on the band plan, and weekend murder-minutes start at 11pm. How do you like that?
Nathan: Wait a minute, night-time minutes start at 11pm?? Oh, that's brutal.
Ofdensen: Well, it was your idea.
William Murderface: Well, they suck! [short pause] I approve.
Charles Ofdensen: Well, it's your design. You may have been drunk, but you made a really convincing case to me.
Nathan: All right, you know we get really, really excited about really bad ideas when we drink, and it's your job to talk us out of it.
Ofdensen: Oh, I tried. I tried very hard, but you all threatened to kill me, if you don't remember.
Pickles the Drummer: So? Big deal, those threats aren't new.
Ofdensen: Mhm? Noted. Anyway look, you're on the band plan, and weekend murder-minutes start at 11pm. How do you like that?
Nathan: Wait a minute, night-time minutes start at 11pm?? Oh, that's brutal.
Ofdensen: Well, it was your idea.
William Murderface: Well, they suck! [short pause] I approve.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Ofdensen: All right, it's time, boys. Finland is expecting our apology for almost destroying the nation last tour.
Nathan: Oh boy...
Nathan: Oh boy...
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Nathan: [reading an apology speech] Finland! We are here to... uhhh... apologize... for alleged... happenings... during... during... during... uhhhh... reading, rea - ...Huh. Hey, what the hell is this?
Ofdensen: You're, uh, trying to read a speech to people.
Nathan: Yeah. Wait, hold on. You know what? I pass.
Ofdensen: You're, uh, trying to read a speech to people.
Nathan: Yeah. Wait, hold on. You know what? I pass.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Murderface: [approaches podium] Wrote my own speech. Heeey, Fin - [Dethphone rings] Yhellow? Oh, what's happening? Uh-huh. Well, what did he say? What did you say? You did not! I know. I know! Forget - [Pickles takes his place]
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Pickles: Friends, we're... we're not used to the whole apologizing thing. We're not professional apologizers. We're... musicians. So, we wrote a song for you, a new national anthem. We took the lyrics straight from your Finnish folklore book of necronomic spells.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Nathan: You may recognize this one, though it hasn't been sung for a few thousand years. Awaken, awaken, Mustakrakish, the Lake Troll.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Senator Stampingston: Gentlemen, it's clear that we're in a universally precarious situation. Dethklok has summoned a troll.
General Crozier: That's impossible, there's no such thing as trolls.
Senator Stampingston: Then how do you explain the dead unicorns?
General Crozier: That's impossible, there's no such thing as trolls.
Senator Stampingston: Then how do you explain the dead unicorns?
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Ofdensen: Well, it's official: Finland is being destroyed by a troll that... you summoned.
Skwisgaar: Well, I'm not sorry.
Nathan: Huh, I can't believe we summoned a troll. Why didn't we think of this earlier?
Toki: Oh, high school would've been awesome with a big pal, like him. He could have carried me to school!
Nathan: I know!
Pickles: Dudes, I'm turning on my Dethphone and I'm hearing Murderface. Wait a minute! Do we just get one phone line in five phones?!
Toki: That's brutal.
Pickles: So wait - we can't make any out-calls?! Dude, Murderface, get off the phone! Please! Get off the phone!
Murderface: Okay, hold on. I just need to check my messages.
Dethfone: You have 67 new telephone answering machine digital phone wireless fidelity Dethfone messages. To hear the messages, press "1" on the keypad located on the front of the phone. Preparing to play answering machine number message number one. After this message, would you like to save, or delete, or replay this message, please listen to the directions that will follow the message...
Nathan: Oh man, this thing's just designed to eat up minutes. It's brutal.
Dethfone: ...playing one Dethfone message...now... [hangs up on Murderface causing Murderface to go on a swearing rampage.]
Ofdensen: So, you think it might be a good business move to put that troll back to sleep?
Nathan: Pbbbbbb, I, I don't, I just don't see that happening, you know. Crappy troll knocked out the DSL, now it takes two minutes to get to tits--
Ofdensen: Okay, I did not want to say anything, but this is affecting your record sales. There, I said it.
Pickles: Dude, nice one. What are you trying to do, depress us? Well it's working. Hope you're happy. Now I ne
Skwisgaar: Well, I'm not sorry.
Nathan: Huh, I can't believe we summoned a troll. Why didn't we think of this earlier?
Toki: Oh, high school would've been awesome with a big pal, like him. He could have carried me to school!
Nathan: I know!
Pickles: Dudes, I'm turning on my Dethphone and I'm hearing Murderface. Wait a minute! Do we just get one phone line in five phones?!
Toki: That's brutal.
Pickles: So wait - we can't make any out-calls?! Dude, Murderface, get off the phone! Please! Get off the phone!
Murderface: Okay, hold on. I just need to check my messages.
Dethfone: You have 67 new telephone answering machine digital phone wireless fidelity Dethfone messages. To hear the messages, press "1" on the keypad located on the front of the phone. Preparing to play answering machine number message number one. After this message, would you like to save, or delete, or replay this message, please listen to the directions that will follow the message...
Nathan: Oh man, this thing's just designed to eat up minutes. It's brutal.
Dethfone: ...playing one Dethfone message...now... [hangs up on Murderface causing Murderface to go on a swearing rampage.]
Ofdensen: So, you think it might be a good business move to put that troll back to sleep?
Nathan: Pbbbbbb, I, I don't, I just don't see that happening, you know. Crappy troll knocked out the DSL, now it takes two minutes to get to tits--
Ofdensen: Okay, I did not want to say anything, but this is affecting your record sales. There, I said it.
Pickles: Dude, nice one. What are you trying to do, depress us? Well it's working. Hope you're happy. Now I ne
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Nathan: Looks likes that troll killed that power everywhere.
Skwisgaar: Well, there's only two things to do in a blackout: get drunk... one thing to do.
Skwisgaar: Well, there's only two things to do in a blackout: get drunk... one thing to do.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Nathan: Oh, I hate Finland. I need a hundred beers. [enters a bar] I need a hundred beers. Exactly... exactly one hundred. Thank you.
Bar Patron: We don't serve people who awaken lake trolls.
Bar Keep: You must play a song to put the troll back to sleep.
Skwisgaar: Hey, douchebag! How the hell we gonna play with no electricals, eh? Think about it.
Bar Patron: We don't serve people who awaken lake trolls.
Bar Keep: You must play a song to put the troll back to sleep.
Skwisgaar: Hey, douchebag! How the hell we gonna play with no electricals, eh? Think about it.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Murderface: What are those wooden things? Chairs?
Barkeep: They are acoustic instruments.
Toki: What is acoustic? Oh, you mean a grampa's guitars?
Skwisgaar: A grampa's guitars? That's for pussies and grampas. I think you know it.
Barkeep: It's your only choice, I'm afraid.
Pickles: Whoa, this is a tough one guys.
Nathan: Pickles is right, we have a tough choice. Playing acoustic is totally lame and not metal. But then again, if we don't put that troll back to sleep, we may never be able to check our e-mail with high-speed DSL again.
Barkeep: They are acoustic instruments.
Toki: What is acoustic? Oh, you mean a grampa's guitars?
Skwisgaar: A grampa's guitars? That's for pussies and grampas. I think you know it.
Barkeep: It's your only choice, I'm afraid.
Pickles: Whoa, this is a tough one guys.
Nathan: Pickles is right, we have a tough choice. Playing acoustic is totally lame and not metal. But then again, if we don't put that troll back to sleep, we may never be able to check our e-mail with high-speed DSL again.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Nathan: Wait, Toki, why'd you stop playing?
Toki: I... have a confessions to makes. I can'ts reads music.
Skwisgaar: Dudes, Toki can't read music. Hah! It's a laugh!
Toki: Can you?
Skwisgaar: No. I haves music dyslex-kia. You know that. I... don't wish to talk about it.
Nathan: Wait, then how were - how were you playing that song?
Toki: Honestly, I was just hitting any note.
Skwisgaar: Yeah, me too. That's an old music school trick.
Nathan: Sounded pretty good.
Skwisgaar: Yeah I know, it sounds pretty good. I think we got lucky.
Toki: I... have a confessions to makes. I can'ts reads music.
Skwisgaar: Dudes, Toki can't read music. Hah! It's a laugh!
Toki: Can you?
Skwisgaar: No. I haves music dyslex-kia. You know that. I... don't wish to talk about it.
Nathan: Wait, then how were - how were you playing that song?
Toki: Honestly, I was just hitting any note.
Skwisgaar: Yeah, me too. That's an old music school trick.
Nathan: Sounded pretty good.
Skwisgaar: Yeah I know, it sounds pretty good. I think we got lucky.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Barkeep: [rowing the Dethklok members to the place where Mustakrakish awoke] This is the place where he was birthed. [grabbed by Mustakrakish]
Toki: THERE HE IS!
Skwisgaar: Yep, that's definitely a troll.
Barkeep: PLAY DAMMIT! PLAY! [gets eaten]
Toki: THERE HE IS!
Skwisgaar: Yep, that's definitely a troll.
Barkeep: PLAY DAMMIT! PLAY! [gets eaten]
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Toki: THE GRANDPA'S GUITARS ARE SMASHEDS!!
Skwisgaar: [referring to lake troll] Dudes, here comes that guy!
Nathan: Wait! The phones! Use the Dethphones! Throw them at that guy!
Skwisgaar: [referring to lake troll] Dudes, here comes that guy!
Nathan: Wait! The phones! Use the Dethphones! Throw them at that guy!
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Nathan: [into handheld voice recorder] Idea for our last song, ever: "Killed by a Troll."
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Lawyer: The lyrics clearly state: "Go into the water, go into the water. Live there, die there." Well, my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this "Underwater Album" by your band, Dethklok.
Pickles the Drummer: Why don't you... go breathe underwater?
Pickles the Drummer: Why don't you... go breathe underwater?
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Lawyer: I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life!
William Murderface: Suggest all you want! It won't make your weenie any bigger, you dildo-licker!
Lawyer: This band is a danger to the human race!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: You's a danger of putting us to asleep. I would'a brought a sleepinsbag if I knows this guys was gonna show up.
Lawyer: Your Honour, we DEMAND 50 million dollars for medical bills and punitive damages.
Toki Wartooth: Hey, how 'bout we compromise...
Nathan Explosion: We'll give you half... of NOTHING!
Charles Ofdensen: The album clearly states "Intended for fish only". I rest my case.
Judge Alfanso: Not guilty!
William Murderface: Suggest all you want! It won't make your weenie any bigger, you dildo-licker!
Lawyer: This band is a danger to the human race!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: You's a danger of putting us to asleep. I would'a brought a sleepinsbag if I knows this guys was gonna show up.
Lawyer: Your Honour, we DEMAND 50 million dollars for medical bills and punitive damages.
Toki Wartooth: Hey, how 'bout we compromise...
Nathan Explosion: We'll give you half... of NOTHING!
Charles Ofdensen: The album clearly states "Intended for fish only". I rest my case.
Judge Alfanso: Not guilty!
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Toki: Well, we wins that.
Nathan: Whatever.
Skwisgaar: You preferred that we'd lose?
Nathan: Nah, I was just thinking about the next album.
Pickles: Oh, right. You mean how we're supposed to top an album that made a million people accidentally kill themselves.
Nathan: Exactly.
All: Ohhh.
Nathan: Whatever.
Skwisgaar: You preferred that we'd lose?
Nathan: Nah, I was just thinking about the next album.
Pickles: Oh, right. You mean how we're supposed to top an album that made a million people accidentally kill themselves.
Nathan: Exactly.
All: Ohhh.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Murderface: Hey, why don't we just record people dying? Like all the world's leaders, or a bunch of ladies. That would be heavy.
Pickles: Yeah, we can't get writer's credit for something like that.
Murderface: Good point. You're up, Judge Alfanso!
Judge Alfanso: Oh, thank you William.
Pickles: Yeah, we can't get writer's credit for something like that.
Murderface: Good point. You're up, Judge Alfanso!
Judge Alfanso: Oh, thank you William.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Skwisgaar: Well, maybe we should takes a break, you know? Being bleak and dark for a living sometimes makes you lose your objectivity for, you know, being bleak and dark.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Dr. Donald Gorfield: Well, the people of the world are depressed and stupid. They look to comedy to lighten the load of their boring, dreadful lives. These idiots have been force-fed garbage from our own secret cable networks and our own employees covering as high-profile standup and sketch comics. Should we lose control of this, only God knows what will happen.
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Comedian: Autobots, remember those? How about Decepticons, remember those? What about Masters of the Universe? Hey, talk about egomaniacs, Masters of the Universe! We're Masters of the Universe! Hey, at least they ain't Smurfs! Huh? Or worse, Snorks! Remember? Snorks! Remember those? Sounds like someone falling asleep! SNOOOORKS! SNOOOORKS!
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please be gentle, it's their first time on stage, The Brothers... of DECEPTION!
TV Show: Metalocalypse
Skwisgaar: So, I was thinking of killing myself...
Toki: That's funny, I was thinking of killing you too.
Skwisgaar: Well, how d'you like dat.
Toki: That's funny, I was thinking of killing you too.
Skwisgaar: Well, how d'you like dat.
TV Show: Metalocalypse