Mock the Week Quotes
Frankie Boyle: The thing is we're saying, what, Ronaldo doesn't have a sense of perspective? Since early childhood, he has been praised and rewarded ludicrously, for having very well coordinated feet. Of course he's not got a sense of perspective; we're lucky he's not killed someone! Very skilfully, with his feet!
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: There's no point us saying we know what it's like to be Ronaldo; we have no idea what it's like to be Ronaldo! Drinking smart cocktails that teach you Kapawara, having sex with beautiful android women; if we had to live Ronaldo's life for five minutes, we would shit our brains out of our eyes!
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: [On Margaret Thatcher's £3million state funeral] For £3million, they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we would dig a hole so deep that we could hand her over to Satan personally!
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: The Met Office have issued a weather warning, they've told the weather not to do that again or there will be trouble!
Frankie Boyle: Temperatures could rise to 31 degrees. SHIT, I'VE LEFT MY BABY IN THE CAR!!
Russell Howard: A hurricaine tonight will be caused by low pressure and God's hatred of homosexuality.
Frankie Boyle: A huge depression over Scotland, and now the weather.
Hugh Dennis: So here's the summary: Monday- Shite, Tuesday- Shite, Wednesday- Shite, Thursday- Bollocks.
Frankie Boyle: This part of the country is gonna stay hot and wet for quite some time. Because that's where my girlfriend lives, Oh yeah!
Russell Howard: It was raining cats and dogs last night. I should know, I was throwing them off my roof.
Gina Yashere: What are you watching me for? Look out the fucking window!
Frankie Boyle: What do you care what the weather's like? You look shit in all your clothes!
Frankie Boyle: Temperatures could rise to 31 degrees. SHIT, I'VE LEFT MY BABY IN THE CAR!!
Russell Howard: A hurricaine tonight will be caused by low pressure and God's hatred of homosexuality.
Frankie Boyle: A huge depression over Scotland, and now the weather.
Hugh Dennis: So here's the summary: Monday- Shite, Tuesday- Shite, Wednesday- Shite, Thursday- Bollocks.
Frankie Boyle: This part of the country is gonna stay hot and wet for quite some time. Because that's where my girlfriend lives, Oh yeah!
Russell Howard: It was raining cats and dogs last night. I should know, I was throwing them off my roof.
Gina Yashere: What are you watching me for? Look out the fucking window!
Frankie Boyle: What do you care what the weather's like? You look shit in all your clothes!
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: This is the Federation of Gay Planets. Open your docking bay and prepare to be boarded!
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: What's wrong, Captain Picard? WHAT'S WRONG?! I'M A SERIOUS SHAKESPEAREAN ACTOR AND I'M TALKING TO THE AMBASSADOR OF THE FUCKING WORM PEOPLE!
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: Ron had been suffering from Swine Flu and people were avoiding him. Luckily he was ginger and he was use to it.
Hugh Dennis: I don't know why you're so upset Harry. The original Dumbledore died three films ago and no-one gave a shit.
Russell Howard: Did you find Narnia in the wardrobe? No Edmund, we found your porn stash.
Lucy Porter: No, Harry, it's not a five headed dog, It's Girls Aloud!
Hugh Dennis: I am Aslan. Formed by the merger of ASDA and Matalan.
Frankie Boyle: We had only been there for a day, but to us it felt like fifteen years. That's Birmingham!
Andy Parsons: Welcome to Moordoor. Twinned with Swansea.
Greg Davies: (hugging Lucy Porter) This will never work, Frodo.
Frankie Boyle: I'm not a dwarf, I'm a lesbian!
Hugh Dennis: I don't know why you're so upset Harry. The original Dumbledore died three films ago and no-one gave a shit.
Russell Howard: Did you find Narnia in the wardrobe? No Edmund, we found your porn stash.
Lucy Porter: No, Harry, it's not a five headed dog, It's Girls Aloud!
Hugh Dennis: I am Aslan. Formed by the merger of ASDA and Matalan.
Frankie Boyle: We had only been there for a day, but to us it felt like fifteen years. That's Birmingham!
Andy Parsons: Welcome to Moordoor. Twinned with Swansea.
Greg Davies: (hugging Lucy Porter) This will never work, Frodo.
Frankie Boyle: I'm not a dwarf, I'm a lesbian!
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: That's my milk in the fridge. I squeeze it out of my tits with a vice.
Andy Parsons: No we can't share the electricity bill! I've got a phone charger and a laptop, and you're on a life support machine.
Frankie Boyle: Our last flat was just like Friends! Have you seen "The One Where Joey Kills Everybody"?
Hugh Dennis: I love talking to you with you I can... (deepens voice) be my real self.
Russell Howard: There's just two of us, well three if you count God!
Greg Davies: I'd give you ten minutes in the toilet if I were you. That one could talk!
Frankie Boyle: Well if you don't think I'm a nosey bastard, then why did you write that in your diary?
Lucy Porter: Oh that? That's just a novelty shower gel in the shape of a webcam.
Hugh Dennis: Oh, a Mr. Jihad called. He's says its time.
Frankie Boyle: I don't see why I should pay for half the loo roll when I never use any!
Hugh Dennis: I'll tell you what, that Hoover is powerful.
Frankie Boyle: Ok, there's only one certain way to find out who ate my yogurt: an AIDS test.
Andy Parsons: No we can't share the electricity bill! I've got a phone charger and a laptop, and you're on a life support machine.
Frankie Boyle: Our last flat was just like Friends! Have you seen "The One Where Joey Kills Everybody"?
Hugh Dennis: I love talking to you with you I can... (deepens voice) be my real self.
Russell Howard: There's just two of us, well three if you count God!
Greg Davies: I'd give you ten minutes in the toilet if I were you. That one could talk!
Frankie Boyle: Well if you don't think I'm a nosey bastard, then why did you write that in your diary?
Lucy Porter: Oh that? That's just a novelty shower gel in the shape of a webcam.
Hugh Dennis: Oh, a Mr. Jihad called. He's says its time.
Frankie Boyle: I don't see why I should pay for half the loo roll when I never use any!
Hugh Dennis: I'll tell you what, that Hoover is powerful.
Frankie Boyle: Ok, there's only one certain way to find out who ate my yogurt: an AIDS test.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Sean Walsh: I'm very unhealthy, obviously, look at the state of me. I look like a thundercat on heroine. This is absolutely true, a couple of weeks ago, a homeless gentleman approached me from behind says "Excuse me, mate." I turn around and he says "Oh nothin'". I smoke over forty a day, I lose breath when I grate cheese.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Russel Howard: Everyone's angry though. Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? "A LEVELS ARE GETTING EASIER, IN MY DAY YOU HAD TO DO FIFTY QUESTIONS IN A MINUTE, IF YOU GOT ONE WRONG, THEY KILLED YOUR DAD!"
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: He has the perfect name for a sprinter. Imagine next year: 'Lane one Usain Bolt, Lane two Tyson Speed, Lane three Jerry Woosh and lane four the Russian Igo Zoominoff.'
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: I'm Adrian Chiles, and I was shocked by the new "Shrek" film. I've not been paid for it, but I seem to be starring in it!
Hugh Dennis: Consumer scams are on the increase. If you would like find out how to stop them, send us your name and address, your date of birth, and your mother's maiden name.
Russell Howard: I've just found out my jumper is made by Indian slave children. Can I just say they did a wonderful job?
Frankie Boyle: Next, we speak to Barbara, who was devastated when she bought Daniel Bedingfield tickets that turned out to be genuine.
Hugh Dennis: At first the company seemd willing to compromise. Then we sent them a letter from Nicky Campbell and they told us to fuck off.
Andy Parsons: I won't be on the show next week because I'm going off to Nigeria to pick up my lottery winnings.
Frankie Boyle: Last week, we said that we were going to expose London's security scene. This week we say there's been a misunderstanding, could I please have my kids back?
Russell Howard: On closer inspection, Mrs. Wilkins, you're hamster's jacuzzi would appear to be a food blender.
Frankie Boyle: Hi, I'm Nicky Campbell, and I've been plowing through the usual five sacks of hate mail to find this letter complaining about washing powder.
Hugh Dennis: Today, as I stand before you penniless in the last clothes I own, we ask, "Is divorce biased in favor of the greedy bitch who left me?"
Russell Howard: We got there, the weather were crap, the food were crap, the locals were racist, what a bloody brilliant holiday!
Adam Hills: Of the half-dozen condoms we tested, all but two burst in my stomach.
Frankie Boyle: I'm Anne Robinson, and without plastic surgery, I'd look like E.T.'s balls.
Hugh Dennis: Consumer scams are on the increase. If you would like find out how to stop them, send us your name and address, your date of birth, and your mother's maiden name.
Russell Howard: I've just found out my jumper is made by Indian slave children. Can I just say they did a wonderful job?
Frankie Boyle: Next, we speak to Barbara, who was devastated when she bought Daniel Bedingfield tickets that turned out to be genuine.
Hugh Dennis: At first the company seemd willing to compromise. Then we sent them a letter from Nicky Campbell and they told us to fuck off.
Andy Parsons: I won't be on the show next week because I'm going off to Nigeria to pick up my lottery winnings.
Frankie Boyle: Last week, we said that we were going to expose London's security scene. This week we say there's been a misunderstanding, could I please have my kids back?
Russell Howard: On closer inspection, Mrs. Wilkins, you're hamster's jacuzzi would appear to be a food blender.
Frankie Boyle: Hi, I'm Nicky Campbell, and I've been plowing through the usual five sacks of hate mail to find this letter complaining about washing powder.
Hugh Dennis: Today, as I stand before you penniless in the last clothes I own, we ask, "Is divorce biased in favor of the greedy bitch who left me?"
Russell Howard: We got there, the weather were crap, the food were crap, the locals were racist, what a bloody brilliant holiday!
Adam Hills: Of the half-dozen condoms we tested, all but two burst in my stomach.
Frankie Boyle: I'm Anne Robinson, and without plastic surgery, I'd look like E.T.'s balls.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: Oh, they've called in the video referee. Which is better: "Alien" or "Predator"?
Andy Parsons: AH, YES, AND THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL UPPER CUT, AND ANOTHER ONE, BUT HEY, THE DJ IS STILL NOT GONNA CHANGE THE TRACK FROM STEVEN GERARD!
Frankie Boyle: Jimmy White holding up the queue there, as he collapses at the till at Oddbends.
Russell Howard: Welcome to Robot Wars. Cruncher, ready! Stephen Hawking, (as Hawking) ready.
Adam Hills: And England have won The Ashes. (crowd boos)
Frankie Boyle: It's the women's 100 meters final, and from left to right, it's: no, no, yes, maybe, from behind, (shakes head), definitely not.
Russell Howard: The queen smashes Camilla in the face, and Prince Phillip hits her with a hammer! This is what I call a royal rumble.
Frankie Boyle: Venus Williams has brought something different to the ladies' game: male genitalia.
Hugh Dennis: Ah, he's great with a dead ball. When I had one, I had to sit down for a week.
Alun Cochrane: And I think that massive widescreen close-up of the wedgie goes someway to explaining why we don't normally televise judo.
Frankie Boyle: And that bloody smear is the reason you don't see a lot of streakers in Formula 1.
Russell Howard: Some people are on the pitch. They think it's all over...it is now, the Chinese Secret Police have shot them!
Hugh Dennis: Well, he's finally got his head down, his hands are fimly over the shaft, which is why I'm handing over to John Inferdales.
Frankie Boyle: Overpaid, Overpaid knocks it over to Overrated, Overrated on to Possible Rapist, POSSIBLE RAPIST KNOCKS IT FORWARD, CLOSET GAY... GOOOOOOAL!
Andy Parsons: AH, YES, AND THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL UPPER CUT, AND ANOTHER ONE, BUT HEY, THE DJ IS STILL NOT GONNA CHANGE THE TRACK FROM STEVEN GERARD!
Frankie Boyle: Jimmy White holding up the queue there, as he collapses at the till at Oddbends.
Russell Howard: Welcome to Robot Wars. Cruncher, ready! Stephen Hawking, (as Hawking) ready.
Adam Hills: And England have won The Ashes. (crowd boos)
Frankie Boyle: It's the women's 100 meters final, and from left to right, it's: no, no, yes, maybe, from behind, (shakes head), definitely not.
Russell Howard: The queen smashes Camilla in the face, and Prince Phillip hits her with a hammer! This is what I call a royal rumble.
Frankie Boyle: Venus Williams has brought something different to the ladies' game: male genitalia.
Hugh Dennis: Ah, he's great with a dead ball. When I had one, I had to sit down for a week.
Alun Cochrane: And I think that massive widescreen close-up of the wedgie goes someway to explaining why we don't normally televise judo.
Frankie Boyle: And that bloody smear is the reason you don't see a lot of streakers in Formula 1.
Russell Howard: Some people are on the pitch. They think it's all over...it is now, the Chinese Secret Police have shot them!
Hugh Dennis: Well, he's finally got his head down, his hands are fimly over the shaft, which is why I'm handing over to John Inferdales.
Frankie Boyle: Overpaid, Overpaid knocks it over to Overrated, Overrated on to Possible Rapist, POSSIBLE RAPIST KNOCKS IT FORWARD, CLOSET GAY... GOOOOOOAL!
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: I don't want you to think of me as a psychiatrist, I want you to think of me as a mental patient who killed the psychiatrist before you got here.
Hugh Dennis: You think you are a potato? On the couch, please.
Ed Byrne: Welcome to your first session of Freudian analysis. What seems to be the penis?
Frankie Boyle: Well you say that you're paranoid, but I have a report here that says you looked very relaxed in the bath this morning.
Andy Parsons: Oh yes, I can see why you fancy your mother. She's something of a fox!
Russell Howard: I see you've tried to commit suicide five times. Your dad was right. You are useless.
Frankie Boyle: You've been coming here for six months to talk about your trust issues... while we've been filming you for "Britain's Nuttiest Bastards"!
Hugh Dennis: Yes, I think your parents caused you problems from an early age, Clitorina.
Stewart Francis: Your thoughts that you are horrifically unattractive are all in your mind... Mr. Johnson?
Russell Howard: Okay, word association. I'm gonna say a word, and I want you to say the first thing that pops into your breasts.
Ed Byrne: That's really interesting. You mind if I use some of this stuff as lyrics for my band?
Frankie Boyle: You have an emotional problem and a very low IQ. I'm prescribing "Hollyoaks".
Ed Byrne: Oh, that's a classic dream. It means you're a pedophile.
Russell Howard: I want you to go to your happy place. Judging by the size of you, that's probaly Greggs.
Hugh Dennis: You think you are a potato? On the couch, please.
Ed Byrne: Welcome to your first session of Freudian analysis. What seems to be the penis?
Frankie Boyle: Well you say that you're paranoid, but I have a report here that says you looked very relaxed in the bath this morning.
Andy Parsons: Oh yes, I can see why you fancy your mother. She's something of a fox!
Russell Howard: I see you've tried to commit suicide five times. Your dad was right. You are useless.
Frankie Boyle: You've been coming here for six months to talk about your trust issues... while we've been filming you for "Britain's Nuttiest Bastards"!
Hugh Dennis: Yes, I think your parents caused you problems from an early age, Clitorina.
Stewart Francis: Your thoughts that you are horrifically unattractive are all in your mind... Mr. Johnson?
Russell Howard: Okay, word association. I'm gonna say a word, and I want you to say the first thing that pops into your breasts.
Ed Byrne: That's really interesting. You mind if I use some of this stuff as lyrics for my band?
Frankie Boyle: You have an emotional problem and a very low IQ. I'm prescribing "Hollyoaks".
Ed Byrne: Oh, that's a classic dream. It means you're a pedophile.
Russell Howard: I want you to go to your happy place. Judging by the size of you, that's probaly Greggs.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: 2007's winner Leon Jackson is still selling records... at his Saturday job at HMV Pasley.
Stewart Francis: Of course it's not a freak show! Now get your siamese twin asses on that stage and you nail "Papa Don't Preach"!
Frankie Boyle: Two crosses light up and the crowd cheers... as Stavros Flatly are crucified in flames.
Russell Howard: (old lady voice) Hello, I'm Rita, I'm 87 and I'm gonna do keepy up with me boobs. (starts jumping) I'm like bloody Ronaldo, look at me go!
Ed Byrne: Ok, you're right. I don't really have any talent, but I'm kind of cute. I'm Kylie Minogue's sister, for God's sake!
Frankie Boyle: What a hilarious singing dog... Susan Boyle is.
Hugh Dennis: When you said you were going to saw a woman in half... I thought you were a magician.
Ed Byrne: My family aren't going to believe it when they see it on TV. They think I'm dead!
Andy Parsons: Hello I'm Susan Boyle and I wanna say hello to my brother Frankie. (waves to the camera)
Frankie Boyle: Susan Boyle is not related to me. None of my relatives will ever manage to chisel their way out of that cellar.
Hugh Dennis: I am an escapologist. Today, I have escaped from Broadmoor!
Frankie Boyle: Next on ITV4, it's ITV3's coverage of ITV2's making of documentary about the coverage on ITV4.
Andy Parsons: Hello, I'm Billy Cock and this is my partner Brian Balls! And togther we are... Billy and Brian!
Frankie Boyle: That was a beautiful song... until you fucking sang it.
Stewart Francis: Of course it's not a freak show! Now get your siamese twin asses on that stage and you nail "Papa Don't Preach"!
Frankie Boyle: Two crosses light up and the crowd cheers... as Stavros Flatly are crucified in flames.
Russell Howard: (old lady voice) Hello, I'm Rita, I'm 87 and I'm gonna do keepy up with me boobs. (starts jumping) I'm like bloody Ronaldo, look at me go!
Ed Byrne: Ok, you're right. I don't really have any talent, but I'm kind of cute. I'm Kylie Minogue's sister, for God's sake!
Frankie Boyle: What a hilarious singing dog... Susan Boyle is.
Hugh Dennis: When you said you were going to saw a woman in half... I thought you were a magician.
Ed Byrne: My family aren't going to believe it when they see it on TV. They think I'm dead!
Andy Parsons: Hello I'm Susan Boyle and I wanna say hello to my brother Frankie. (waves to the camera)
Frankie Boyle: Susan Boyle is not related to me. None of my relatives will ever manage to chisel their way out of that cellar.
Hugh Dennis: I am an escapologist. Today, I have escaped from Broadmoor!
Frankie Boyle: Next on ITV4, it's ITV3's coverage of ITV2's making of documentary about the coverage on ITV4.
Andy Parsons: Hello, I'm Billy Cock and this is my partner Brian Balls! And togther we are... Billy and Brian!
Frankie Boyle: That was a beautiful song... until you fucking sang it.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Andy Parsons: Now, Gordon Brown isn't very impressive is he? He does that thing with his jaw, y'know, when his jaw drops down at the end of each sentence, [mimicks.] It makes it look like he doesn't believe anything he's saying. "I'm going to win the next election..." [mimicks.] David Cameron, has said he's not smug about winning the next election, but the trouble is that he looks smug most of the time, the only time he doesn't look smug is when his bike was nicked and everyone else looked smug.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Andy Parsons: Royal Mail parcel delivery. We called, you were in, so we ran away before you could answer.
Russell Howard: Just three pounds a month will save last year's "X Factor" winner from starving.
Hugh Dennis: Do you know what's in your attic? It's me, I've been there since Christmas.
Ed Byrne: Have you seen this dog? No? Maybe your windows are too dirty. Call Kevin the Window Cleaner.
Andy Parsons: Are you looking for a dog walking service? Then call Ace Kebabs on 318 318.
Hugh Dennis: Computer problems? Let me come round and swear at it.
Russell Howard: Why has your girlfriend stopped changing near the window? Love, Dad.
Chris Addison: Pizza: buy one, pay full price.
Ed Byrne: How's my driving? Call 0800 CRASHEDINTOYOURHOUSE.
Kevin Bridges: Dear Miss Winehouse, congratulations on turning 100. Best wishes, the queen.
Hugh Dennis: Need a room cleaning? Call me. I'll come round and fart in it.
Andy Parsons: Looking for an undertaker? Why not call Ace Kebabs on 318 318?
Chris Addison: Gardening service. Middle of the night a specialty. Call Rose West on Broadmoor- (audience starts booing) Too soon? Too soon?
Ed Byrne: Hello, my name's Ashley Cole. Here's a picture of me naked.
Hugh Dennis: Would you recognize a fake ID? No? Great, I'll be back in ten minutes.
Andy Parsons: The Taj Mahal Indian restuarant. Formerly Ace Kebabs.
Russell Howard: Open your letterbox. It's me! (buzz) I'll get through one day. (Hugh Dennis walks in and looks at Russell)
Russell Howard: Just three pounds a month will save last year's "X Factor" winner from starving.
Hugh Dennis: Do you know what's in your attic? It's me, I've been there since Christmas.
Ed Byrne: Have you seen this dog? No? Maybe your windows are too dirty. Call Kevin the Window Cleaner.
Andy Parsons: Are you looking for a dog walking service? Then call Ace Kebabs on 318 318.
Hugh Dennis: Computer problems? Let me come round and swear at it.
Russell Howard: Why has your girlfriend stopped changing near the window? Love, Dad.
Chris Addison: Pizza: buy one, pay full price.
Ed Byrne: How's my driving? Call 0800 CRASHEDINTOYOURHOUSE.
Kevin Bridges: Dear Miss Winehouse, congratulations on turning 100. Best wishes, the queen.
Hugh Dennis: Need a room cleaning? Call me. I'll come round and fart in it.
Andy Parsons: Looking for an undertaker? Why not call Ace Kebabs on 318 318?
Chris Addison: Gardening service. Middle of the night a specialty. Call Rose West on Broadmoor- (audience starts booing) Too soon? Too soon?
Ed Byrne: Hello, my name's Ashley Cole. Here's a picture of me naked.
Hugh Dennis: Would you recognize a fake ID? No? Great, I'll be back in ten minutes.
Andy Parsons: The Taj Mahal Indian restuarant. Formerly Ace Kebabs.
Russell Howard: Open your letterbox. It's me! (buzz) I'll get through one day. (Hugh Dennis walks in and looks at Russell)
TV Show: Mock the Week
Andy Parsons: And here are the British ice dance pair Heather Mills and John Sargent.
Russell Howard: And now over to bobsled. Bob, how's the curling?
Ed Byrne: And while we wait to get them set up there, let's pan the camera there. Beautiful scenery. Look, there's a herd of moose. No, that's the Rumanian women's ice hockey team.
Hugh Dennis: This is the big hill. Oh, that's long! That's very long! He's gonna wish he's done his fly's up!
Kevin Bridges: It's 1 AM in the UK, you're watching the women's figure skating. Why not just bite the bullet and turn to Television X for the 10 minute preview?
Andy Parsons: And Britain goes away with two golds, two silver and a bronze. Well, that'll teach the Austrians a lesson for leaving their locker open.
Chris Addison: And the conditions here reaching a bitter minus 20 degrees Centigrade. The British hopeful from Newcastle has put on a second string vest.
Kevin Bridges: You're watching the women's curling... men's curling... women's... you're watching the curling!
Andy Parsons: No one has more experience than him. What a wonderful games it's been so far for Pingu.
Ed Byrne: And the conditions are perfect, aren't they, John? Yes, they are, Bob. I haven't seen much this white powder since that stag weekend in a hotel in Bangkok.
Hugh Dennis: Oh, and that's what ice hockey is all about: a man having his head repeatedly smashed into a glass wall!
Russell Howard: The ski jump will start as soon as the British skier takes his hand off the side and stops crying.
Andy Parsons: And there, the skier's surprisingly stopped off halfway for a mold wine and a shit.
Russell Howard: And now over to bobsled. Bob, how's the curling?
Ed Byrne: And while we wait to get them set up there, let's pan the camera there. Beautiful scenery. Look, there's a herd of moose. No, that's the Rumanian women's ice hockey team.
Hugh Dennis: This is the big hill. Oh, that's long! That's very long! He's gonna wish he's done his fly's up!
Kevin Bridges: It's 1 AM in the UK, you're watching the women's figure skating. Why not just bite the bullet and turn to Television X for the 10 minute preview?
Andy Parsons: And Britain goes away with two golds, two silver and a bronze. Well, that'll teach the Austrians a lesson for leaving their locker open.
Chris Addison: And the conditions here reaching a bitter minus 20 degrees Centigrade. The British hopeful from Newcastle has put on a second string vest.
Kevin Bridges: You're watching the women's curling... men's curling... women's... you're watching the curling!
Andy Parsons: No one has more experience than him. What a wonderful games it's been so far for Pingu.
Ed Byrne: And the conditions are perfect, aren't they, John? Yes, they are, Bob. I haven't seen much this white powder since that stag weekend in a hotel in Bangkok.
Hugh Dennis: Oh, and that's what ice hockey is all about: a man having his head repeatedly smashed into a glass wall!
Russell Howard: The ski jump will start as soon as the British skier takes his hand off the side and stops crying.
Andy Parsons: And there, the skier's surprisingly stopped off halfway for a mold wine and a shit.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: This ad may be thoroughly misleading, the product may not work, and it may burn your face off.
Russell Howard: Fed up with your dull, gray hair? Get used to it. You're a squirrel.
Hugh Dennis: Incest: Just do it.
Andy Parsons: Marmite: You either love it, or you hate it, or you think it's okay, but you'd rather have marmalade.
Hugh Dennis: Have you got long, dry hair? Could we stuff it down an oil well?
Andy Parsons: Oy, Churchill! Have you been rubbing your arse on the carpet again?
Russell Howard: It's Christmas every day with new brussel sprout flavored condoms. Mmm, tastes like Grandma's ankles.
Russell Howard: Fed up with your dull, gray hair? Get used to it. You're a squirrel.
Hugh Dennis: Incest: Just do it.
Andy Parsons: Marmite: You either love it, or you hate it, or you think it's okay, but you'd rather have marmalade.
Hugh Dennis: Have you got long, dry hair? Could we stuff it down an oil well?
Andy Parsons: Oy, Churchill! Have you been rubbing your arse on the carpet again?
Russell Howard: It's Christmas every day with new brussel sprout flavored condoms. Mmm, tastes like Grandma's ankles.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Russell Howard: Don't be angry, but while you were getting petrol, I shagged your iPhone.
Andy Parsons: ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET?
Hugh Dennis: (Imitating arnold schwarzenegger) In 300 miles, you will realise this gimmicky voice was a terrible mistake.
Andy Parsons: Turn right at the next junction for a bloody good dogging site.
Hugh Dennis: Turn right. Wrong. I didn't say "Sat Nav Says".
Russell Howard: Bear left. And over to the right, squirrel!
Hugh Dennis: (looks around) Where the fuck are we?
Andy Parsons: ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET?
Hugh Dennis: (Imitating arnold schwarzenegger) In 300 miles, you will realise this gimmicky voice was a terrible mistake.
Andy Parsons: Turn right at the next junction for a bloody good dogging site.
Hugh Dennis: Turn right. Wrong. I didn't say "Sat Nav Says".
Russell Howard: Bear left. And over to the right, squirrel!
Hugh Dennis: (looks around) Where the fuck are we?
TV Show: Mock the Week
Russell Howard: I tell you what, that Nelson Mandela's a bit of a dick.
Andy Parsons: And on comes the sub for North Korea. And it's torpedoed the opposition!
Russell Howard: The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
Andy Parsons: And the English fans are taunting the American fans by holding up an oil-covered pelican.
Hugh Dennis: England, of course, are being sponsored by Tesco Online, which is why John Terry has been replaced by three ripe avacados.
Russell Howard: Yes, Emanuel Adebayor, I understand exactly what you're saying.
Andy Parsons: And on comes the sub for North Korea. And it's torpedoed the opposition!
Russell Howard: The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
Andy Parsons: And the English fans are taunting the American fans by holding up an oil-covered pelican.
Hugh Dennis: England, of course, are being sponsored by Tesco Online, which is why John Terry has been replaced by three ripe avacados.
Russell Howard: Yes, Emanuel Adebayor, I understand exactly what you're saying.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: (In a Middle Eastern voice) As a terrorist, I've been watching "Countdown" with interest. It is rubbish, nothing happens!
Andy Parsons: Dear News 24: Go to bed.
Ed Byrne: Dear Channel 5, isn't it just about time you called it a day? No one will mourn.
Hugh Dennis: I'm writing to thank you. On Sunday afternoon, while I was watching with my wife, I was urged to press the red button. I did, and she had her first orgasm in 20 years.
Ed Byrne: Dear Channel 4, why don't you pricks book me for any of your shows?
Andy Parsons: Dear "Points Of View", who shall I write to if I think "Points Of View" is shit?
Hugh Dennis: Dear Fiver: If I give you a tenner, will you stop broadcasting?
Russell Howard: Dear Channel 4, why not liven up "Deal Or No Deal" by putting a nail bomb in one of the boxes?
Andy Parsons: Dear News 24: Go to bed.
Ed Byrne: Dear Channel 5, isn't it just about time you called it a day? No one will mourn.
Hugh Dennis: I'm writing to thank you. On Sunday afternoon, while I was watching with my wife, I was urged to press the red button. I did, and she had her first orgasm in 20 years.
Ed Byrne: Dear Channel 4, why don't you pricks book me for any of your shows?
Andy Parsons: Dear "Points Of View", who shall I write to if I think "Points Of View" is shit?
Hugh Dennis: Dear Fiver: If I give you a tenner, will you stop broadcasting?
Russell Howard: Dear Channel 4, why not liven up "Deal Or No Deal" by putting a nail bomb in one of the boxes?
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: To keep them cool, the testes of the male homosapiens are on the outside. Should he put them back in his trousers?
Russell Howard: Wayne lives 3 miles away from Kaylie and Martin lives 6 miles away from Wayne. Who got her pregnant?
Ed Byrne: If an oil well is spilling out oils at 50,000 barrels a day, how do you stop it? Really. How do you stop it?
Andy Parsons: If you mix blue and yellow, how crap is your government?
Russell Howard: If you removed a man's lower intestine and stretched it as far as it could go, how angry would he be?
Andy Parsons: A car is travelling at a constant speed of 70 miles per hour along the M25. In what imaginary universe are they in fact driving?
Russell Howard: Henry VIII loved the bitches. Discuss.
Ed Byrne: Chemistry: What's that smell?
Hugh Dennis: Nelson lost an arm and an eye. Why didn't he call Claims Direct?
Andy Parsons: Your mum's a slag. Discuss.
Russell Howard: Wayne lives 3 miles away from Kaylie and Martin lives 6 miles away from Wayne. Who got her pregnant?
Ed Byrne: If an oil well is spilling out oils at 50,000 barrels a day, how do you stop it? Really. How do you stop it?
Andy Parsons: If you mix blue and yellow, how crap is your government?
Russell Howard: If you removed a man's lower intestine and stretched it as far as it could go, how angry would he be?
Andy Parsons: A car is travelling at a constant speed of 70 miles per hour along the M25. In what imaginary universe are they in fact driving?
Russell Howard: Henry VIII loved the bitches. Discuss.
Ed Byrne: Chemistry: What's that smell?
Hugh Dennis: Nelson lost an arm and an eye. Why didn't he call Claims Direct?
Andy Parsons: Your mum's a slag. Discuss.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: If you're into naked gardening, here's a tip: Be careful what you do with the (in a high voice) shears.
Russell Howard: And that, folks, is how you get rid of a body.
Andy Parsons: Last year, I couldn't be bothered to dig up my garden, so I phoned up "Time Team" and told them I'd just found a Roman coin.
Russell Howard: And now over to our lawnmower expert, Stumpy Jeff. (holding his fists up) Hi, guys!
Ed Byrne: You see, David here has got some nice bogia, and Jemima has got some nice hydragia, and I've got Chlamydia.
Hugh Dennis: Well, that's all for this week. I'm off home to plant my seeds. My wife's ovulating and I don't want to miss my slot.
Russell Howard: (as an old woman) Why grow flowers when you can steal them from a traffic black spot?
Russell Howard: And that, folks, is how you get rid of a body.
Andy Parsons: Last year, I couldn't be bothered to dig up my garden, so I phoned up "Time Team" and told them I'd just found a Roman coin.
Russell Howard: And now over to our lawnmower expert, Stumpy Jeff. (holding his fists up) Hi, guys!
Ed Byrne: You see, David here has got some nice bogia, and Jemima has got some nice hydragia, and I've got Chlamydia.
Hugh Dennis: Well, that's all for this week. I'm off home to plant my seeds. My wife's ovulating and I don't want to miss my slot.
Russell Howard: (as an old woman) Why grow flowers when you can steal them from a traffic black spot?
TV Show: Mock the Week
Andy Parsons: We asked 100 people, name something you eat with a spoon, and the top answer was: "Piss off, I'm busy".
Andy Parsons: So, Noel, your soul for a ressurected career. Deal or No Deal?
Hugh Dennis: You have one lifeline left. That's calling your country's goverment to see whether they will accept our demands.
Hugh Dennis: So this question for 100 pounds: What is your PIN number?
Andy Parsons: I'm Dale Winton, and you've got to be in it to win it. And by that, of couse, I mean my bottom.
Patrick Kielty: £60 for half a pound of coke. Deal or no deal?
Jack Whitehall: [Shifty] Deal.
Andy Parsons: So, Noel, your soul for a ressurected career. Deal or No Deal?
Hugh Dennis: You have one lifeline left. That's calling your country's goverment to see whether they will accept our demands.
Hugh Dennis: So this question for 100 pounds: What is your PIN number?
Andy Parsons: I'm Dale Winton, and you've got to be in it to win it. And by that, of couse, I mean my bottom.
Patrick Kielty: £60 for half a pound of coke. Deal or no deal?
Jack Whitehall: [Shifty] Deal.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Andy Parsons: Okay, today, we're going to have a special outing. So, Miss Williams, if you would like to tell everybody why you're a lesbian.
Milton Jones: We welcome a new member of staff today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body, and we will call him "The Head".
Chris Addison: Would whoever's milkshake is brining all the boys to the yard please stop it?
Greg Davies: I'm sorry to keep you waiting, boys and girls. I've just had a shit the size of a baby seal.
Chris Addison: If you're found in posession of cocaine, you'll be given 100 lines. No, wait...
Seann Walsh And today in the after school club, we'll be using paper-mache to make a mother that actually loves you enough to pick you up at 3: 00.
Hugh Dennis: I'm delighted to say that during the summer holidays, Mr. Wang married Ms. Cur. (waits for the laughter to die down) His nickname will remain the same.
Greg Davies: A wise man once said, boys and girls, that if you try your hardest, you can fulfill your dreams. Generally, that's true. Not for you though, Tom. You can't read. So...
Seann Walsh: And today everyone, we have a new boy. Now for some reason, whatever reason, he's been to a lot of schools, so be kind to him. Would you please make your way to the front, Richard Poowilly?
Milton Jones: A word about registers: Most of the staff are on one.
Andy Parsons: So that is how you put on a condom. But sir, shouldn't you have used a cucumber? Not without E. Coli kicking around.
Hugh Dennis: Sorry. Sorry I'm late, I've just had a run-in with an interactive whiteboard. It told me to fuck off.
Chris Addison: I've had all your mums.
Milton Jones: We welcome a new member of staff today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body, and we will call him "The Head".
Chris Addison: Would whoever's milkshake is brining all the boys to the yard please stop it?
Greg Davies: I'm sorry to keep you waiting, boys and girls. I've just had a shit the size of a baby seal.
Chris Addison: If you're found in posession of cocaine, you'll be given 100 lines. No, wait...
Seann Walsh And today in the after school club, we'll be using paper-mache to make a mother that actually loves you enough to pick you up at 3: 00.
Hugh Dennis: I'm delighted to say that during the summer holidays, Mr. Wang married Ms. Cur. (waits for the laughter to die down) His nickname will remain the same.
Greg Davies: A wise man once said, boys and girls, that if you try your hardest, you can fulfill your dreams. Generally, that's true. Not for you though, Tom. You can't read. So...
Seann Walsh: And today everyone, we have a new boy. Now for some reason, whatever reason, he's been to a lot of schools, so be kind to him. Would you please make your way to the front, Richard Poowilly?
Milton Jones: A word about registers: Most of the staff are on one.
Andy Parsons: So that is how you put on a condom. But sir, shouldn't you have used a cucumber? Not without E. Coli kicking around.
Hugh Dennis: Sorry. Sorry I'm late, I've just had a run-in with an interactive whiteboard. It told me to fuck off.
Chris Addison: I've had all your mums.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: Tonight, I'm going to be climbing a stepladder.
Greg Davies: (in an off-key voice) You're right! I really can't sing! Thanks!
Milton Jones: I'd like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine who got run over last week and is in hospital. (Singing) The wheels of the bus go round and round...
Seann Walsh: I've got an ability that no one else on this planet has. That's Ant, that's Dec.
Andy Parsons: It was like Elvis was in the building. You're fat and there's a stench of death.
Chris Addison: Now, Peter, it's not what everyone would call entertainment, but you are one hell of an assassin!
Hugh Dennis: I thought you hit the high notes really, really well. Be interesting to see if you can still do that when I haven't got your nuts in a clamp.
Greg Davies: Oh, where's my double act partner? Oh, he's in here. (takes the mic to his groin and sings "Feelings")
Hugh Dennis: When you said you were gonna ride a donkey...
Andy Parsons: Yes, I have been on the show before. I was once trapped in somebody else's underpants going, (singing) Feelings...
Chris Addison: That was an exceptional performance and the way you have overcome your blindness is truly inspirational. But this is a chip shop, the "X Factor" audition is next door.
Seann Walsh: (as Michael MacIntyre) I'm going to be honest with you, I think you're all terrible, okay? All of you, you're completely dreadful. I don't know what you're doing, especially you, Hasselhoff. What have you done since "Baywatch"?
Hugh Dennis: As well as that, I can also unzip the top of me head, it's where I keep me pajamas.
Andy Parsons: I know you said you were a Gary Glitter tribute act, but we weren't expecting you to do that!
Greg Davies: (in an off-key voice) You're right! I really can't sing! Thanks!
Milton Jones: I'd like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine who got run over last week and is in hospital. (Singing) The wheels of the bus go round and round...
Seann Walsh: I've got an ability that no one else on this planet has. That's Ant, that's Dec.
Andy Parsons: It was like Elvis was in the building. You're fat and there's a stench of death.
Chris Addison: Now, Peter, it's not what everyone would call entertainment, but you are one hell of an assassin!
Hugh Dennis: I thought you hit the high notes really, really well. Be interesting to see if you can still do that when I haven't got your nuts in a clamp.
Greg Davies: Oh, where's my double act partner? Oh, he's in here. (takes the mic to his groin and sings "Feelings")
Hugh Dennis: When you said you were gonna ride a donkey...
Andy Parsons: Yes, I have been on the show before. I was once trapped in somebody else's underpants going, (singing) Feelings...
Chris Addison: That was an exceptional performance and the way you have overcome your blindness is truly inspirational. But this is a chip shop, the "X Factor" audition is next door.
Seann Walsh: (as Michael MacIntyre) I'm going to be honest with you, I think you're all terrible, okay? All of you, you're completely dreadful. I don't know what you're doing, especially you, Hasselhoff. What have you done since "Baywatch"?
Hugh Dennis: As well as that, I can also unzip the top of me head, it's where I keep me pajamas.
Andy Parsons: I know you said you were a Gary Glitter tribute act, but we weren't expecting you to do that!
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: The Russians had Lemsip. The Americans had Night Nurse. This was The Cold War.
Ed Byrne: And it was in this humble florists that The War of The Roses began.
Andy Parsons: Guy Fawkes' bit to blow up the House of Parliament when he realized his body was made of jumpers and his head was an old football.
Chris Addison: Tonight on "Bruce Forsyth's History of Britain": (As Bruce) "Bo to Sea, To Sea Bo"!
Hugh Dennis: Horatio Nelson: One arm, one eye. A tragic example of what can happen if you fall asleep and someone finds your organ donor card.
Diane Morgan: Welcome to "Biggest Historical Boobs" with me, Katie Price.
Chris Addison: Tonight, I intend to find out exactly what did happen to Hitler's other ball, and my search begins right here, in the Albert Hall.
Micky Flanagan: And on "Time Team" tonight, we're in Stratford-On-Avon, where we've uncovered loads of monkey skeletons and some typewriters.
Andy Parsons: When Hitler started writing "Mein Kampf", he intended it to be a lighthearted romp called "Carry On Kampfing".
Chris Addison: John F. Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon. If history teaches us anything it's that if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.
Micky Flanagan: To be honest, I'm not interested all this old nonsense, really. But in the end of "Blackadder", the world's been fairly odd.
Ed Byrne: It's hard to believe that this crumbling old ruin presented "Weakest Link" for as long as she did.
Chris Addison: Of course, the Bronze Age was the third best age in history.
Hugh Dennis: And now the documentary that every Channel 5 commisioner has dreamt of: "Did Hitler Sink The Titanic?"
Andy Parsons: We've been digging in this field in Hampshire for three weeks and we've found this one pi
Ed Byrne: And it was in this humble florists that The War of The Roses began.
Andy Parsons: Guy Fawkes' bit to blow up the House of Parliament when he realized his body was made of jumpers and his head was an old football.
Chris Addison: Tonight on "Bruce Forsyth's History of Britain": (As Bruce) "Bo to Sea, To Sea Bo"!
Hugh Dennis: Horatio Nelson: One arm, one eye. A tragic example of what can happen if you fall asleep and someone finds your organ donor card.
Diane Morgan: Welcome to "Biggest Historical Boobs" with me, Katie Price.
Chris Addison: Tonight, I intend to find out exactly what did happen to Hitler's other ball, and my search begins right here, in the Albert Hall.
Micky Flanagan: And on "Time Team" tonight, we're in Stratford-On-Avon, where we've uncovered loads of monkey skeletons and some typewriters.
Andy Parsons: When Hitler started writing "Mein Kampf", he intended it to be a lighthearted romp called "Carry On Kampfing".
Chris Addison: John F. Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon. If history teaches us anything it's that if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.
Micky Flanagan: To be honest, I'm not interested all this old nonsense, really. But in the end of "Blackadder", the world's been fairly odd.
Ed Byrne: It's hard to believe that this crumbling old ruin presented "Weakest Link" for as long as she did.
Chris Addison: Of course, the Bronze Age was the third best age in history.
Hugh Dennis: And now the documentary that every Channel 5 commisioner has dreamt of: "Did Hitler Sink The Titanic?"
Andy Parsons: We've been digging in this field in Hampshire for three weeks and we've found this one pi
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: We apologize to customers recently alighted at Northampton. I opened the wrong doors.
Micky Flanagan: Could all the people shopping here at Housestub please accept the fact that you are piss-poor?
Andy Parsons: Clean up required in the magazine aisle between "Loaded" and "Nuts"!
Hugh Dennis: Would the parents of the lost child please pick up at the meeting point? Madonna is trying to buy him.
Diane Morgan: I'd like to remind customers that our special offer this week is 100% off German Bean Sprouts.
Andy Parsons: If you would like to upgrade to first class, then you should gone to school and got a better job.
Chris Addison: Could the small boy holding the owls stop running at the wall between Platforms 9 and 10?
Hugh Dennis: Would the man on Pump Number 4 please remove the nozzle from the backside of the man on Pump Number 6?
Micky Flanagan: Could the owner of the Ford Fiesta 1100 in the car park with the tinted windows in the ghosted like- told you like that, mate.
Ed Byrne: Uh, uh, uh, I can't remember what the code is. Um, would Mr. Fire please report to the kitchen? That's Mr. Out Of Control Fire. Please report to the kitchen before it's too late. I don't want to start a panic.
Diane Morgan: The train now approaching Platforms 3, 4, and 5 is the derailed credit card train from Swansea.
Chris Addison: Would the owners of a Black Jaguar please move it as it's attacking the customers.
Andy Parsons: This is your captain speaking. You can now turn on your mobile phones as you'll need to text your loved ones goodbye. We're plummeting into the sea.
Micky Flanagan: Could all the people shopping here at Housestub please accept the fact that you are piss-poor?
Andy Parsons: Clean up required in the magazine aisle between "Loaded" and "Nuts"!
Hugh Dennis: Would the parents of the lost child please pick up at the meeting point? Madonna is trying to buy him.
Diane Morgan: I'd like to remind customers that our special offer this week is 100% off German Bean Sprouts.
Andy Parsons: If you would like to upgrade to first class, then you should gone to school and got a better job.
Chris Addison: Could the small boy holding the owls stop running at the wall between Platforms 9 and 10?
Hugh Dennis: Would the man on Pump Number 4 please remove the nozzle from the backside of the man on Pump Number 6?
Micky Flanagan: Could the owner of the Ford Fiesta 1100 in the car park with the tinted windows in the ghosted like- told you like that, mate.
Ed Byrne: Uh, uh, uh, I can't remember what the code is. Um, would Mr. Fire please report to the kitchen? That's Mr. Out Of Control Fire. Please report to the kitchen before it's too late. I don't want to start a panic.
Diane Morgan: The train now approaching Platforms 3, 4, and 5 is the derailed credit card train from Swansea.
Chris Addison: Would the owners of a Black Jaguar please move it as it's attacking the customers.
Andy Parsons: This is your captain speaking. You can now turn on your mobile phones as you'll need to text your loved ones goodbye. We're plummeting into the sea.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Stewart Francis: Worry not, Procrastination Man is here! Where is everybody? What's with all the blood? (walks back, whistling)
Andy Parsons: Catwoman, what did I tell you about not shitting in next door's garden?
Hugh Dennis: I am Big Society Man. I could do it for you, but I'd rather you do it for yourself.
Chris Addison: Prepare to meet a new breed of sex change superhero in "The Ex-Men"!
Ava Vidal: Yes, I do believe a man can fly, but only if he's carrying under 100 mil.
Stewart Francis: I am Parking Review Man! (Hugh Dennis walks behind him) Where's my check?
Chris Addison: Wow, Iron Man, how did you get all the creases out?
Seann Walsh: Uh, just call the police.
Andy Parsons: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Well if you don't know that, what the hell are you doing in air traffic control?!
Hugh Dennis: What use is a spider web against me, Duster Man and Hoover Boy?
Chris Addison: Hello! I'm Batman Begins!
Andy Parsons: I'm sexist, I'm racist, and I drive like an arsehole. I am White Van Man!
Stewart Francis: Should I- Do I- Should I Do-
Andy Parsons: Catwoman, what did I tell you about not shitting in next door's garden?
Hugh Dennis: I am Big Society Man. I could do it for you, but I'd rather you do it for yourself.
Chris Addison: Prepare to meet a new breed of sex change superhero in "The Ex-Men"!
Ava Vidal: Yes, I do believe a man can fly, but only if he's carrying under 100 mil.
Stewart Francis: I am Parking Review Man! (Hugh Dennis walks behind him) Where's my check?
Chris Addison: Wow, Iron Man, how did you get all the creases out?
Seann Walsh: Uh, just call the police.
Andy Parsons: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Well if you don't know that, what the hell are you doing in air traffic control?!
Hugh Dennis: What use is a spider web against me, Duster Man and Hoover Boy?
Chris Addison: Hello! I'm Batman Begins!
Andy Parsons: I'm sexist, I'm racist, and I drive like an arsehole. I am White Van Man!
Stewart Francis: Should I- Do I- Should I Do-
TV Show: Mock the Week