Monk Quotes
Jenny Mandeville: [to Randy] So am I in trouble?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest. [to an officer] Would you escort Miss Mandeville out? [Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them]
Adrian Monk: Who is she?
Lt. Randall Disher: Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was it this time?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, she comes in, same as yesterday. Says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder - Turns out her roommate was a hamster.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] She didn't look unstable.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They never do.
Lt. Randall Disher: No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest. [to an officer] Would you escort Miss Mandeville out? [Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them]
Adrian Monk: Who is she?
Lt. Randall Disher: Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was it this time?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, she comes in, same as yesterday. Says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder - Turns out her roommate was a hamster.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] She didn't look unstable.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They never do.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie: [after convincing both Monk and Steve Wagner to speak at Julie's school] I'm gonna be class mom of the year!
TV Show: Monk
I'm tired of suckin' up.
I'm tired of suckin' up and workin' for The Man.
Keepin' people down 'cause the Law book says I can.
Cuff my brothers and sisters, oh, it's not the way to be.
But, Honey, those days are gone, 'cause, Baby, I am free.
I'm tired of suckin' up and workin' for The Man.
Keepin' people down 'cause the Law book says I can.
Cuff my brothers and sisters, oh, it's not the way to be.
But, Honey, those days are gone, 'cause, Baby, I am free.
TV Show: Monk
Well, I don't need a badge to tell me wrong from right.
I don't need a badge to tell me day from night.
I don't need a badge 'cause my eyes can see.
I don't need a badge 'cause, Baby, I am free.
I don't need a badge to tell me day from night.
I don't need a badge 'cause my eyes can see.
I don't need a badge 'cause, Baby, I am free.
TV Show: Monk
It's been a long, long time cleanin' up the streets.
Now Papa's got a new gig, he's got a brand new beat.
It's called rock 'n' roll, and, Baby, I hold the key.
This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.
Now Papa's got a new gig, he's got a brand new beat.
It's called rock 'n' roll, and, Baby, I hold the key.
This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.
TV Show: Monk
Well, I don't need a badge to tell me wrong from right.
I don't need a badge to tell me day from night.
I don't need a badge 'cause my eyes can see.
I don't need a badge 'cause, Baby, I am free.
I don't need a badge to tell me day from night.
I don't need a badge 'cause my eyes can see.
I don't need a badge 'cause, Baby, I am free.
TV Show: Monk
Well, I'm feelin' real fed up, so you'd better be aware.
I'm done with all your rules, 'cause, man, I ain't no square.
Music is my savior, with that you must agree.
This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.
I'm done with all your rules, 'cause, man, I ain't no square.
Music is my savior, with that you must agree.
This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.
TV Show: Monk
I don't need a gun to make me feel strong.
I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.
I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.
I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.
I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.
I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
TV Show: Monk
This guitar here's my badge.
Rock 'n' roll set me free.
This guitar here's my badge.
You better not try to take it from me.
Rock 'n' roll set me free.
This guitar here's my badge.
You better not try to take it from me.
TV Show: Monk
I don't need a gun to make me feel strong.
I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.
I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.
I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
No, I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.
I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.
I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
No, I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
TV Show: Monk
[Randy is at Dr. Oliver Bloom's office]
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Well, Mr. Disher. I'm Oliver Bloom. Don't get up, I'm kidding. You're a Lieutenant, right?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I can usually guess within one rank. I see a lot of cops who are on the medical plan.
Lt. Randall Disher: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Oh don't worry. We're open late on Tuesdays and Thursdays in case of emergencies. Also to keep Terri here off the streets.
Terri: He worries about me.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I do worry about you. You know what I worry about? I worry about this bad boy here, your number 2 molar.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Well, Mr. Disher. I'm Oliver Bloom. Don't get up, I'm kidding. You're a Lieutenant, right?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I can usually guess within one rank. I see a lot of cops who are on the medical plan.
Lt. Randall Disher: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Oh don't worry. We're open late on Tuesdays and Thursdays in case of emergencies. Also to keep Terri here off the streets.
Terri: He worries about me.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I do worry about you. You know what I worry about? I worry about this bad boy here, your number 2 molar.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is yelling out a window to Natalie who is standing by a dumpster where a dead woman was found]
Monk: Who is she?
Natalie: No I.D.
Monk: No idea?
Natalie: [a little louder] No I.D.
Monk: No idea?
Natalie: [louder] No... [points to eye] I... [makes the shape of a "D"] D!
Monk: ...No idea?
Disher: No I.D.!
Monk: Why don't you check her identification?
Disher: NO I.D.!!
Natalie: [screams, exasperated] NO I.D.!!!
[long pause]
Monk: ...No idea?
Monk: Who is she?
Natalie: No I.D.
Monk: No idea?
Natalie: [a little louder] No I.D.
Monk: No idea?
Natalie: [louder] No... [points to eye] I... [makes the shape of a "D"] D!
Monk: ...No idea?
Disher: No I.D.!
Monk: Why don't you check her identification?
Disher: NO I.D.!!
Natalie: [screams, exasperated] NO I.D.!!!
[long pause]
Monk: ...No idea?
TV Show: Monk
[After being threatened by Ruskin, dressed as Monk, the real Monk shows up]
Jack Leverett: What are you guys, some kind of cult?
Jack Leverett: What are you guys, some kind of cult?
TV Show: Monk
Dr. Kroger: And they canceled the movie [about you]?
Monk: He said he wanted to play a character who wasn’t so dark and depressing. [pause] He's in England playing Hamlet.
Monk: He said he wanted to play a character who wasn’t so dark and depressing. [pause] He's in England playing Hamlet.
TV Show: Monk
Actor Playing Stottlemeyer: [talking on fake cellphone] Uh look, I know he's a bit eccentric, but Adrian Monk is the best damn investigator I've ever had so you tell the mayor if he goes I go. [pauses] That's right. Lt. Disher! Lt. Disher, you got a minute? [A female Disher enters the room. The real Disher is very unimpressed]
Actress Playing Disher: [enters] Yes, Captain.
Actor Playing Stottlemeyer: Uh, what the hell do I say? I got it. The victim, the victim just received a check for fifty thousand dollars. Pretty weird time to kill yourself. What do you think?
Actress Playing Disher: I'll tell you what I think. I think the department doesn't appreciate you enough.
[gets closer to Actor Playing Stottlemeyer]
Actor Playing Stottlemeyer: Randy, what are you doing?
Actress Playing Disher: I'm doing what you taught me to do, Captain: following my instincts.
[She and Actor Playing Stottlemeyer start kissing]
The real Stottlemeyer: That never happened.
The real Disher: Not even once.
Actress Playing Disher: [enters] Yes, Captain.
Actor Playing Stottlemeyer: Uh, what the hell do I say? I got it. The victim, the victim just received a check for fifty thousand dollars. Pretty weird time to kill yourself. What do you think?
Actress Playing Disher: I'll tell you what I think. I think the department doesn't appreciate you enough.
[gets closer to Actor Playing Stottlemeyer]
Actor Playing Stottlemeyer: Randy, what are you doing?
Actress Playing Disher: I'm doing what you taught me to do, Captain: following my instincts.
[She and Actor Playing Stottlemeyer start kissing]
The real Stottlemeyer: That never happened.
The real Disher: Not even once.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: The people woke up at five this morning and couldn't go back to sleep because it smelled like a buffalo died in the people's closet.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk speaks with the Mayor]
Adrian Monk: Yes sir, it just came to me last night in a vision. One, we evacuate the city, every man, woman, and child.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Evacuate?
Adrian Monk: Two, we burn it down. We just burn it. Scorched earth.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Uhh.
Adrian Monk: Then just to be safe, we collect all the ashes and what do we do? We burn the ashes. Three, we bring everybody back and start over. Think of it, we rebuild San Francisco ...from scratch. Start fresh, everything clean. Everything brand new. Gonna have that new city smell. Fresh off the lot, we can even straighten out Lombard Street while we’re at it.
Adrian Monk: Yes sir, it just came to me last night in a vision. One, we evacuate the city, every man, woman, and child.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Evacuate?
Adrian Monk: Two, we burn it down. We just burn it. Scorched earth.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Uhh.
Adrian Monk: Then just to be safe, we collect all the ashes and what do we do? We burn the ashes. Three, we bring everybody back and start over. Think of it, we rebuild San Francisco ...from scratch. Start fresh, everything clean. Everything brand new. Gonna have that new city smell. Fresh off the lot, we can even straighten out Lombard Street while we’re at it.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is driving a lone garbage truck through the city.]
Disher: He's like a vigilante. A garbage vigilante.
Stottlemeyer: You could say that. But don't.
Disher: He's like a vigilante. A garbage vigilante.
Stottlemeyer: You could say that. But don't.
TV Show: Monk
Monk: Now it's true that Alice Cooper is a hippie, but he's the bad kind! The kind that breaks into other people's offices, beats them up, shoots them in the head, and steals their antique chairs!
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: Do you have any more of these Odor-Eaters?
Drugstore Manager: How many do you need?
Adrian Monk: Oh, about...a trillion.
Drugstore Manager: How many do you need?
Adrian Monk: Oh, about...a trillion.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is trying to get Natalie to stand on his hands to look on top of a locker]
Adrian Monk: [Locks his hands] Up you go.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Take a look, check it out. Up you go.
Natalie Teeger: Up you go.
Adrian Monk: Up you go!
Natalie Teeger: Up you go!
Adrian Monk: Up you go!
Natalie Teeger: I'm just the assistant!
Adrian Monk: I believe the word "assist" is a very large part of the word "assistant." Right, "assist", from the Latin meaning, "UP YOU GO!"
Adrian Monk: [Locks his hands] Up you go.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Take a look, check it out. Up you go.
Natalie Teeger: Up you go.
Adrian Monk: Up you go!
Natalie Teeger: Up you go!
Adrian Monk: Up you go!
Natalie Teeger: I'm just the assistant!
Adrian Monk: I believe the word "assist" is a very large part of the word "assistant." Right, "assist", from the Latin meaning, "UP YOU GO!"
TV Show: Monk
Principal Franklin: Oh yes, Mr. Monk. We met last year at the, uhh, career day. How have you been?
Adrian Monk: The same.
Principal Franklin: Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Adrian Monk: The same.
Principal Franklin: Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: So you've never won anything in your whole life?
Adrian Monk: Once, at a birthday party, I won a game of musical chairs.
Natalie Teeger: Well, that's something.
Adrian Monk: But then I was disqualified. A mother said I went counter-clockwise, or something.
Natalie Teeger: Well, at least you got invited to the party!
Adrian Monk: It was my party, okay, it was my mother.
Adrian Monk: Once, at a birthday party, I won a game of musical chairs.
Natalie Teeger: Well, that's something.
Adrian Monk: But then I was disqualified. A mother said I went counter-clockwise, or something.
Natalie Teeger: Well, at least you got invited to the party!
Adrian Monk: It was my party, okay, it was my mother.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Natalie, and Julie are putting all of Monk's "Case Trophies" on his mantle.]
Monk: I'm gonna need a bigger mantle. Natalie! I'm gonna need a bigger mantle!
Natalie: Your mother would be so proud.
Monk: Oh, no she wouldn't. But it's still nice of you to say.
Monk: I'm gonna need a bigger mantle. Natalie! I'm gonna need a bigger mantle!
Natalie: Your mother would be so proud.
Monk: Oh, no she wouldn't. But it's still nice of you to say.
TV Show: Monk
Captain Stottlemeyer: I can talk to her next week. How about Saturday? I'll take you guys out for pancakes.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it's okay. That's not going to give her much time. It's all right. [starts walking out of the Captain's office, but then turns around] Oh, you know what? I forgot to mention. My cousin works for a PR firm for the '49ers.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No kidding!
Natalie Teeger: Yeah. Joe Montana's going to be in town on Thursday. He's shooting some commercial. You want to meet him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Joe Montana? Sure!
Natalie Teeger: Okay, you're not too busy?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no. No, I'm sure we can make that work.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, great, because I lied! But it's nice to know you're available on Thursday. Julie will be here after school. Thanks! [grins, and walks out of the office, while Stottlemeyer looks on in astonishment.]
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it's okay. That's not going to give her much time. It's all right. [starts walking out of the Captain's office, but then turns around] Oh, you know what? I forgot to mention. My cousin works for a PR firm for the '49ers.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No kidding!
Natalie Teeger: Yeah. Joe Montana's going to be in town on Thursday. He's shooting some commercial. You want to meet him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Joe Montana? Sure!
Natalie Teeger: Okay, you're not too busy?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no. No, I'm sure we can make that work.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, great, because I lied! But it's nice to know you're available on Thursday. Julie will be here after school. Thanks! [grins, and walks out of the office, while Stottlemeyer looks on in astonishment.]
TV Show: Monk
[first lines]
[Rusty delivers lunch to his crew]
Rusty: All right, gentlemen! Here they are. Get 'em while they're warm.
First Fireman: Hey Rusty, what's in these? In case my doctor needs to know.
Rusty: Let me tell you wise guys something: when I was on payroll, we respected our elders. I come in here, I volunteer, do I get a "Thank you, Rusty?" No, I get jokes! And they aren't even funny jokes! They're old and stale.
Captain Stockton: Come on, Rusty, we all love you! You know that! Look, I'm eating one! [takes a bite out of his sandwich. Monk walks into the garage carrying a container of smoke alarms]
Adrian Monk: Hey, hey, Karl with a "K."
Captain Stockton: Aw, hell, he's back.
Adrian Monk: Hey Chucky, you missed a spot. [comes up to the table] Captain, can you believe it's been a year already?
Captain Stockton: You know, Mr. Monk, I told you you can test those smoke alarms at home by yourself.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I know but, I'd rather you guys did it. You're the experts, right? [The station's call alarm goes off. Everyone stops what they are doing and immediately runs for the ladder equipment. Someone hands Stockton a slip of paper]
Captain Stockton: House fire, three alarm. Mr. Monk, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I was here first.
Captain Stockton: Sir, there is a house burning down five blocks away. Don't you think that should take a priority right now? [Monk turns to Rusty]
Adrian Monk: Uhhhh... [turns back towards the fire captain, who is now climbing into the cab of Engine #53]
Captain Stockton: Don't you? [Monk turns back towards Rusty. Behind him, Engine #53's brakes release]
Adrian Mon
[Rusty delivers lunch to his crew]
Rusty: All right, gentlemen! Here they are. Get 'em while they're warm.
First Fireman: Hey Rusty, what's in these? In case my doctor needs to know.
Rusty: Let me tell you wise guys something: when I was on payroll, we respected our elders. I come in here, I volunteer, do I get a "Thank you, Rusty?" No, I get jokes! And they aren't even funny jokes! They're old and stale.
Captain Stockton: Come on, Rusty, we all love you! You know that! Look, I'm eating one! [takes a bite out of his sandwich. Monk walks into the garage carrying a container of smoke alarms]
Adrian Monk: Hey, hey, Karl with a "K."
Captain Stockton: Aw, hell, he's back.
Adrian Monk: Hey Chucky, you missed a spot. [comes up to the table] Captain, can you believe it's been a year already?
Captain Stockton: You know, Mr. Monk, I told you you can test those smoke alarms at home by yourself.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I know but, I'd rather you guys did it. You're the experts, right? [The station's call alarm goes off. Everyone stops what they are doing and immediately runs for the ladder equipment. Someone hands Stockton a slip of paper]
Captain Stockton: House fire, three alarm. Mr. Monk, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I was here first.
Captain Stockton: Sir, there is a house burning down five blocks away. Don't you think that should take a priority right now? [Monk turns to Rusty]
Adrian Monk: Uhhhh... [turns back towards the fire captain, who is now climbing into the cab of Engine #53]
Captain Stockton: Don't you? [Monk turns back towards Rusty. Behind him, Engine #53's brakes release]
Adrian Mon
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer shows up at Monk's apartment]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good, good. Listen, Monk. I'm on my way over to the firehouse right now. I need you to come along.
Adrian Monk: What for? I gave the Lieutenant my statement.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah I know, but I just thought that you might "see" something.
Adrian Monk: Somehow I doubt that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know what I mean. Look, Monk, even in this condition, you're still the best detective I know.
Natalie Teeger: Come on. I think it's a great idea.
Adrian Monk: Nah, you don't mean that. You're just trying to cheer me up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, this isn't only about you. This is a homicide investigation; a fireman was killed.
Adrian Monk: Rusty?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Rusty. He was a standup guy. He'd been on that engine for 35 years, and I'm gonna nail the son-of-a-bitch that killed him, and you're gonna help me.
Adrian Monk: Leland, I can't! I can't-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm not asking you. [pause] Natalie, get him up.
[Natalie helps Monk to his feet]
Natalie Teeger: Come on, you heard the Captain.
Adrian Monk: All right, I'm coming, I'm coming. Listen, don't expect too much from me; I'm no Mr. Magoo.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Magoo?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, Magoo, the famous inventor.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Magoo.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good, good. Listen, Monk. I'm on my way over to the firehouse right now. I need you to come along.
Adrian Monk: What for? I gave the Lieutenant my statement.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah I know, but I just thought that you might "see" something.
Adrian Monk: Somehow I doubt that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know what I mean. Look, Monk, even in this condition, you're still the best detective I know.
Natalie Teeger: Come on. I think it's a great idea.
Adrian Monk: Nah, you don't mean that. You're just trying to cheer me up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, this isn't only about you. This is a homicide investigation; a fireman was killed.
Adrian Monk: Rusty?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Rusty. He was a standup guy. He'd been on that engine for 35 years, and I'm gonna nail the son-of-a-bitch that killed him, and you're gonna help me.
Adrian Monk: Leland, I can't! I can't-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm not asking you. [pause] Natalie, get him up.
[Natalie helps Monk to his feet]
Natalie Teeger: Come on, you heard the Captain.
Adrian Monk: All right, I'm coming, I'm coming. Listen, don't expect too much from me; I'm no Mr. Magoo.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Magoo?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, Magoo, the famous inventor.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Magoo.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: [his answering machine] Hello. This is Adrian... Monk. Thank you for calling my new answering machine. When you hear the beep noise, please speak into the telephone receiver and leave a message, which I will play back and listen to later. This is the end of the message, and here is the beep... I was talking about. [The beep goes off]
TV Show: Monk