Monk Quotes
[Monk has just been momentarily separated from the group]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Stay with the group. [turns to Peter Breen] Have you ever been to Stefanie Preston's house?
Peter Breen: Why would I go to her house?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She was a very attractive woman.
Peter Breen: Yeah, and so is my wife.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Stay with the group. [turns to Peter Breen] Have you ever been to Stefanie Preston's house?
Peter Breen: Why would I go to her house?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She was a very attractive woman.
Peter Breen: Yeah, and so is my wife.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: You can't swim?
Adrian Monk: To be honest, I don't know. I mean, I know how... all right, I took a correspondence course.
Natalie Teeger: You learned to swim by mail?
Adrian Monk: They sent me a little diploma! And, I've got this.
[He gives her a little card from his wallet.]
Natalie Teeger: "Swimming Fundamentals: Don't panic; Breathe normally; Flutter kicks..."
Adrian Monk: Can I have that back, please?
Natalie Teeger: Why would you even take the course? You never go in the water.
Adrian Monk: Hello, tsunamis?
Adrian Monk: To be honest, I don't know. I mean, I know how... all right, I took a correspondence course.
Natalie Teeger: You learned to swim by mail?
Adrian Monk: They sent me a little diploma! And, I've got this.
[He gives her a little card from his wallet.]
Natalie Teeger: "Swimming Fundamentals: Don't panic; Breathe normally; Flutter kicks..."
Adrian Monk: Can I have that back, please?
Natalie Teeger: Why would you even take the course? You never go in the water.
Adrian Monk: Hello, tsunamis?
TV Show: Monk
[Before jumping off a boat to escape Jay Bennett, Monk quickly consults his card.]
Monk: "Don't panic"—forget that—"Breathe normally, flutter kicks..." [jumps]
Monk: "Don't panic"—forget that—"Breathe normally, flutter kicks..." [jumps]
TV Show: Monk
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, there he is! There's Monk! Twenty degrees to port.
Lt. Randall Disher: What's that next to him, is it a life preserver?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nah, it looks like a toilet seat.
Linda Fusco: Well, if it's floating, why doesn't he just grab it?
Stottlemeyer, Disher, and Natalie: Uh...
Lt. Randall Disher: What's that next to him, is it a life preserver?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nah, it looks like a toilet seat.
Linda Fusco: Well, if it's floating, why doesn't he just grab it?
Stottlemeyer, Disher, and Natalie: Uh...
TV Show: Monk
[After Natalie hands out Monk's business card]
Adrian Monk: You owe me 85 cents.
Natalie Teeger: Fine. Take it out of my paycheck.
Adrian Monk: Don't think I won't.
Natalie Teeger: How'd you get so cheap? Really?!?
Adrian Monk: I work for a living! All right? At least I used to. Now I just get bull kelp splashed on me!
Adrian Monk: You owe me 85 cents.
Natalie Teeger: Fine. Take it out of my paycheck.
Adrian Monk: Don't think I won't.
Natalie Teeger: How'd you get so cheap? Really?!?
Adrian Monk: I work for a living! All right? At least I used to. Now I just get bull kelp splashed on me!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are alone at the hospital]
Adrian Monk: Why did he do it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why did who do what?
Adrian Monk: Why did Eddie Murdoch kill that girl?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Since when does a creep need a reason?
Adrian Monk: You remember when we were talking to Peter Breen, Murdoch came walking up. Do you remember what he said?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. He said, "I still have those keys." [In a brief black-and-white flashback to the events at the construction site, Murdoch tells this to Breen while playing with the keychain]
Adrian Monk: Peter Breen drives a Ferarri, right?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Wh-What do their keychains look like?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's a rearing horse. [cuts to a flashback showing Peter Breen's keys next to the TV remote on Stefanie Preston's coffee table during the fire] The impression on the coffee table, those were Breen's keys.
Adrian Monk: You said Murdoch's body is on a slab?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Downstairs. [He hands over Monk's cane and they head down to the morgue. They walk into the quiet and dim room] Hello? [no answer] Well, we've got the place to ourselves, so to speak.
Adrian Monk: Do you see him? Do you see Eddie Murdoch?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. [Stottlemeyer starts examining the tags on each body to locate Murdoch while Monk feels around with his cane]
Adrian Monk: Well, what do you see?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, people, just sitting around bloated, not talking. Kind of like Thanksgiving at my ex-wife's house. So you think the keys were still in his pocket?
Adrian Monk: Well, it's a lon
Adrian Monk: Why did he do it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why did who do what?
Adrian Monk: Why did Eddie Murdoch kill that girl?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Since when does a creep need a reason?
Adrian Monk: You remember when we were talking to Peter Breen, Murdoch came walking up. Do you remember what he said?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. He said, "I still have those keys." [In a brief black-and-white flashback to the events at the construction site, Murdoch tells this to Breen while playing with the keychain]
Adrian Monk: Peter Breen drives a Ferarri, right?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Wh-What do their keychains look like?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's a rearing horse. [cuts to a flashback showing Peter Breen's keys next to the TV remote on Stefanie Preston's coffee table during the fire] The impression on the coffee table, those were Breen's keys.
Adrian Monk: You said Murdoch's body is on a slab?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Downstairs. [He hands over Monk's cane and they head down to the morgue. They walk into the quiet and dim room] Hello? [no answer] Well, we've got the place to ourselves, so to speak.
Adrian Monk: Do you see him? Do you see Eddie Murdoch?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. [Stottlemeyer starts examining the tags on each body to locate Murdoch while Monk feels around with his cane]
Adrian Monk: Well, what do you see?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, people, just sitting around bloated, not talking. Kind of like Thanksgiving at my ex-wife's house. So you think the keys were still in his pocket?
Adrian Monk: Well, it's a lon
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are sitting in the Captain's office at the police station, blindfolded.]
School for the Blind Teacher: This is what we call an empathy exercise. We use it to teach families and friends about what their loved ones are going through. How do you feel right now?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I feel helpless and out of control.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, me too. I feel disoriented.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Even more than usual?
School for the Blind Teacher: This is how your friend Adrian is feeling 24/7. He has to relearn everything, even things he's done a thousand times. For example, you spend a lot of time here at the station. You both probably know it very well.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure.
School for the Blind Teacher: I want you to find the water cooler, and pour yourself a cup of water.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Piece of cake. [Stottlemeyer and Disher, blindfolded, head out of the Captain's office. Disher walks straight into a detective's desk.]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry. [He stumbles along. As he passes a startled detective, he asks] Where's the cooler? [He eventually bumps into another officer's desk] Sorry!
[Stottlemeyer, meanwhile, walks around, feeling everything with the palms of his hands. He explains to the startled detective]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're doing an empathy exercise. [He feels his way along the wall, and then accidentally bumps into Randy, who lifts off his blindfold]
Lt. Randall Disher: He's cheating!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, how does he know I'm cheating unless he's cheating?
[Randy spots the water cooler, and walks over]
Lt. Randall Disher: I won.
School for the Blind Teacher: Lieu
School for the Blind Teacher: This is what we call an empathy exercise. We use it to teach families and friends about what their loved ones are going through. How do you feel right now?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I feel helpless and out of control.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, me too. I feel disoriented.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Even more than usual?
School for the Blind Teacher: This is how your friend Adrian is feeling 24/7. He has to relearn everything, even things he's done a thousand times. For example, you spend a lot of time here at the station. You both probably know it very well.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure.
School for the Blind Teacher: I want you to find the water cooler, and pour yourself a cup of water.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Piece of cake. [Stottlemeyer and Disher, blindfolded, head out of the Captain's office. Disher walks straight into a detective's desk.]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry. [He stumbles along. As he passes a startled detective, he asks] Where's the cooler? [He eventually bumps into another officer's desk] Sorry!
[Stottlemeyer, meanwhile, walks around, feeling everything with the palms of his hands. He explains to the startled detective]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're doing an empathy exercise. [He feels his way along the wall, and then accidentally bumps into Randy, who lifts off his blindfold]
Lt. Randall Disher: He's cheating!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, how does he know I'm cheating unless he's cheating?
[Randy spots the water cooler, and walks over]
Lt. Randall Disher: I won.
School for the Blind Teacher: Lieu
TV Show: Monk
[Monk makes his way around the firehouse, as cops and firemen watch and wait]
Adrian Monk: Now, the table is here. [He's actually pointing at the foldout lawn chairs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, Monk. The table.... is here. [He points Monk's hand at the table]
Adrian Monk: Right. Which puts the pole right there. [Stottlemeyer redirects his hand]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Pole's there.
Adrian Monk: I can't do this.
Natalie Teeger: You can do this, you can do this. Mr. Monk, just concentrate, okay? Just try to picture the room. You can do this, you have an amazing memory!
Adrian Monk: Oh right. I forgot about my amazing memory.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, what we can't figure is what the guy was doing here. What was he looking for?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Is anything missing?
Captain Stockton: I don't think so. There's nothing here worth taking. No money, nothing. It just doesn't make any sense.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, let's do this. [Stottlemeyer and Natalie get Monk into the chair he was sitting in] You and Rusty were sitting here, you were checking the smoke detectors.
Adrian Monk: Right, and then this man, entered from over there. [His finger follows the attacker's path] He walked around the truck slowly, like he was trying not to be noticed. [Randy steps forward]
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Lt. Randy Disher here. I'm speaking to you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to tell the man that you're speaking to him!
Lt. Randall Disher: [looks at his notebook] OK. You know who this is, and that I'm speaking to you, and in your statement, you said that you could hear him, that his shoes were s
Adrian Monk: Now, the table is here. [He's actually pointing at the foldout lawn chairs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, Monk. The table.... is here. [He points Monk's hand at the table]
Adrian Monk: Right. Which puts the pole right there. [Stottlemeyer redirects his hand]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Pole's there.
Adrian Monk: I can't do this.
Natalie Teeger: You can do this, you can do this. Mr. Monk, just concentrate, okay? Just try to picture the room. You can do this, you have an amazing memory!
Adrian Monk: Oh right. I forgot about my amazing memory.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, what we can't figure is what the guy was doing here. What was he looking for?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Is anything missing?
Captain Stockton: I don't think so. There's nothing here worth taking. No money, nothing. It just doesn't make any sense.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, let's do this. [Stottlemeyer and Natalie get Monk into the chair he was sitting in] You and Rusty were sitting here, you were checking the smoke detectors.
Adrian Monk: Right, and then this man, entered from over there. [His finger follows the attacker's path] He walked around the truck slowly, like he was trying not to be noticed. [Randy steps forward]
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Lt. Randy Disher here. I'm speaking to you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to tell the man that you're speaking to him!
Lt. Randall Disher: [looks at his notebook] OK. You know who this is, and that I'm speaking to you, and in your statement, you said that you could hear him, that his shoes were s
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is getting soot on his hands as he searches the remains of a burned out house]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, do you want some gloves?
Adrian Monk: No, don't need them. Out of sight, out of mind. [He walks out of the bathroom] Oh, excuse me, blind man walking.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, do you want some gloves?
Adrian Monk: No, don't need them. Out of sight, out of mind. [He walks out of the bathroom] Oh, excuse me, blind man walking.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me.
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie leads Monk to the station and they meet Disher in the hallway]
Natalie Teeger: What's so important, Randy?
Lt. Randall Disher: I think we've got him. We just picked up a guy in Rockaway; he was wearing the fireman's coat.
Natalie Teeger: Who is he?
Lt. Randall Disher: A guy named Colbert, Jake Colbert. He's a drifter; he lives out by the beach. You think you can ID him?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I don't know. Maybe you haven't heard: I am blind.
Natalie Teeger: But you'll do the best you can, right? You can't give up just because you've been dealt a bad hand.
Adrian Monk: Oh have I been dealt a bad hand? I wouldn't know, because I'm blind![They meet Stottlemeyer outside the squad room door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, hey. I like the cane. You look kinda dapper.
Natalie Teeger: So you found the guy?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We found a guy. He's the right height, does not have an alibi, and he was wearing the missing coat.
Natalie Teeger: Did his shoes squeak?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't know. He was barefoot when we picked him up. But it doesn't matter because we don't need shoes when I've got an eyewitness.
Adrian Monk: [following Stottlemeyer into the squad room] So to speak.
Natalie Teeger: What's so important, Randy?
Lt. Randall Disher: I think we've got him. We just picked up a guy in Rockaway; he was wearing the fireman's coat.
Natalie Teeger: Who is he?
Lt. Randall Disher: A guy named Colbert, Jake Colbert. He's a drifter; he lives out by the beach. You think you can ID him?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I don't know. Maybe you haven't heard: I am blind.
Natalie Teeger: But you'll do the best you can, right? You can't give up just because you've been dealt a bad hand.
Adrian Monk: Oh have I been dealt a bad hand? I wouldn't know, because I'm blind![They meet Stottlemeyer outside the squad room door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, hey. I like the cane. You look kinda dapper.
Natalie Teeger: So you found the guy?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We found a guy. He's the right height, does not have an alibi, and he was wearing the missing coat.
Natalie Teeger: Did his shoes squeak?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't know. He was barefoot when we picked him up. But it doesn't matter because we don't need shoes when I've got an eyewitness.
Adrian Monk: [following Stottlemeyer into the squad room] So to speak.
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie's desk phone rings]
Natalie Teeger: Adrian Monk Investigations. What is the nature of your problem?
Adrian Monk: I'm been kept in a room against my will.
Natalie Teeger: You were kidnapped. Uh, do you know who did it?
Adrian Monk: Yes. It's my personal assistant. Her name is Natalie... Teeger. [As he says that, the camera pans around Natalie to reveal that Monk is talking on his desk phone]
Natalie Teeger: Adrian Monk Investigations. What is the nature of your problem?
Adrian Monk: I'm been kept in a room against my will.
Natalie Teeger: You were kidnapped. Uh, do you know who did it?
Adrian Monk: Yes. It's my personal assistant. Her name is Natalie... Teeger. [As he says that, the camera pans around Natalie to reveal that Monk is talking on his desk phone]
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: It took Grandpa Neville's business a whole year before it finally took off!
Adrian Monk: Not everyone feels the same way you do about Grandpa Neville! For example, I was just thinking about how fun it would be to dig up his body and poke it with a bi-i-ig stick. [Linda Fusco enters the room, unseen]
Linda Fusco: Who's Grandpa Neville? And why are we poking him with a stick?
Adrian Monk: Not everyone feels the same way you do about Grandpa Neville! For example, I was just thinking about how fun it would be to dig up his body and poke it with a bi-i-ig stick. [Linda Fusco enters the room, unseen]
Linda Fusco: Who's Grandpa Neville? And why are we poking him with a stick?
TV Show: Monk
Lt. Disher: You're the number one realtor in Northern California.
Linda Fusco: Tell me something I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump. [pause]
Linda Fusco: Pardon me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You said "tell you something you don't know" and I told you that the only mammal who can't jump is your elephant.
Linda Fusco: Tell me something I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump. [pause]
Linda Fusco: Pardon me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You said "tell you something you don't know" and I told you that the only mammal who can't jump is your elephant.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: [about his new office] Natalie, you can't afford this.
Natalie Teeger: Actually, you're paying for it.
Adrian Monk: I can't afford this!
Natalie Teeger: Oh yes you can. Remember last month when you got that bonus after solving the Kensington case?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie Teeger: That's because I used it for a down payment.
Adrian Monk: Grown ups have a word for that. It's called "embezzlement."
Natalie Teeger: Actually, you're paying for it.
Adrian Monk: I can't afford this!
Natalie Teeger: Oh yes you can. Remember last month when you got that bonus after solving the Kensington case?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie Teeger: That's because I used it for a down payment.
Adrian Monk: Grown ups have a word for that. It's called "embezzlement."
TV Show: Monk
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [examining a crime scene] A lot of gravity in these stairwells. I just used the elevator. Why didn't she? Was it broken? [Randy starts to check his notes]
Lt. Randall Disher: Uhhhh...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If you don't know, just say it.
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to a cop standing over Katherine Rutherford's body] Hey are there any beads down there?
Police Officer: No sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If she slipped on the beads, why didn't any of them roll away? [Randy looks in his notebook]
Lt. Randall Disher: Beads, beads, beads...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't know. Randy, this is wrong. [He picks up an intact portion of necklace and walks down to the body] This is wrong. [to the officers] Lift up her head. [Stottlemeyer puts the intact portion of the necklace around Katherine's neck, but it doesn't fit] It doesn't fit; it's too small. Okay, we're changing gears. Lock down this stairwell from the basement to the roof. Call the watch commander; this is now a homicide investigation.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
[The officer picks up a lapel pin with the number 25 under the body]
Police Officer: Captain. I just found this under the body.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is that, a lapel pin?
Lt. Randall Disher: Wait, I've seen that before. That pin; someone was wearing it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where?
Lt. Randall Disher: [thinks for a while] I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't know.
[cuts to Monk fussing with an identical pin on the lapel of his jacket]
Adrian Monk: Is
Lt. Randall Disher: Uhhhh...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If you don't know, just say it.
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to a cop standing over Katherine Rutherford's body] Hey are there any beads down there?
Police Officer: No sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If she slipped on the beads, why didn't any of them roll away? [Randy looks in his notebook]
Lt. Randall Disher: Beads, beads, beads...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't know. Randy, this is wrong. [He picks up an intact portion of necklace and walks down to the body] This is wrong. [to the officers] Lift up her head. [Stottlemeyer puts the intact portion of the necklace around Katherine's neck, but it doesn't fit] It doesn't fit; it's too small. Okay, we're changing gears. Lock down this stairwell from the basement to the roof. Call the watch commander; this is now a homicide investigation.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
[The officer picks up a lapel pin with the number 25 under the body]
Police Officer: Captain. I just found this under the body.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is that, a lapel pin?
Lt. Randall Disher: Wait, I've seen that before. That pin; someone was wearing it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where?
Lt. Randall Disher: [thinks for a while] I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't know.
[cuts to Monk fussing with an identical pin on the lapel of his jacket]
Adrian Monk: Is
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie pulls Monk's registration form out of her purse]
Natalie Teeger: "Adrian 'Captain Cool' Monk". Who's Captain Cool?
Adrian Monk: [strikes a Macho pose] Me. That was my nickname.
Natalie Teeger: You were Captain Cool? Why?
Adrian Monk: Why do you think?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Why do you think?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Look, I-I-I didn't write the invitation.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, okay, uh, good luck, and I will see you here at 7: 00. [strikes a mirror image of Monk's pose] Captain. [She walks away]
Natalie Teeger: "Adrian 'Captain Cool' Monk". Who's Captain Cool?
Adrian Monk: [strikes a Macho pose] Me. That was my nickname.
Natalie Teeger: You were Captain Cool? Why?
Adrian Monk: Why do you think?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Why do you think?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Look, I-I-I didn't write the invitation.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, okay, uh, good luck, and I will see you here at 7: 00. [strikes a mirror image of Monk's pose] Captain. [She walks away]
TV Show: Monk
[Randy is at his desk, and noticing something, he rushes into Stottlemeyer's office]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain? The lapel pin. I just remembered where I saw it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When?
Lt. Randall Disher: Just now at my desk.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No I mean... tell me about the pin, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk. He's been wearing the same pin all week for his 25th college reunion.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think you're right. Did the victim go to Berkeley?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, she worked there. She was a nurse at the university clinic for, like, 20 years.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But she didn't graduate, so this isn't her pin.
Lt. Randall Disher: The killer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It fell off the killer... which means the killer is at the reunion... with Monk?
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain? The lapel pin. I just remembered where I saw it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When?
Lt. Randall Disher: Just now at my desk.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No I mean... tell me about the pin, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk. He's been wearing the same pin all week for his 25th college reunion.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think you're right. Did the victim go to Berkeley?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, she worked there. She was a nurse at the university clinic for, like, 20 years.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But she didn't graduate, so this isn't her pin.
Lt. Randall Disher: The killer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It fell off the killer... which means the killer is at the reunion... with Monk?
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie are in the college cafeteria]
Natalie Teeger: Well this looks delicious. So this is where you ate? I mean was this your "hangout"?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Natalie, I-I-I think I've seen enough of this. Let's just go.
Natalie Teeger: No, I'm not gonna let you go. You've been looking so forward to this.
Adrian Monk: I don't know what I was thinking. These people weren't my friends, okay? They don't even remember me. The truth is, I was invisible. It was Trudy they loved. I was always just "the guy with Trudy," just like you're "the girl with me". [Natalie stops]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, why is your name on this spit-shield? [Indeed, the spit-shields have Monk's name on them]
Adrian Monk: Well, when I was here, there was nothing protecting the food.
Natalie Teeger: So you donated all of these? That was so generous of you!
Adrian Monk: Well actually, it was more of a lawsuit. Took up a lot of my spare time. [Dianne Brooks sees them and walks over]
Dianne Brooks: Adrian, there you are. We've been looking for you. [She eyes Natalie rather suspiciously]
Natalie Teeger: Hi, I'm Natalie Teeger.
Dianne Brooks: [shakes hands with Natalie] Hi. Dianne Brooks.
Natalie Teeger: I'm his assistant.
Dianne Brooks: Oh, so you two aren't [dating]? [she points to Monk, and then to Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: No.
Adrian Monk: No. No. No. No. No-no-no-no.
Dianne Brooks: Ok. Where are you sitting?
Adrian Monk: Uh, we're not...
Dianne Brooks: Kyle and I are right over here. We saved you a seat. Fair warning - we brought a lot of pictures. [They start walking in that general direction]
Nata
Natalie Teeger: Well this looks delicious. So this is where you ate? I mean was this your "hangout"?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Natalie, I-I-I think I've seen enough of this. Let's just go.
Natalie Teeger: No, I'm not gonna let you go. You've been looking so forward to this.
Adrian Monk: I don't know what I was thinking. These people weren't my friends, okay? They don't even remember me. The truth is, I was invisible. It was Trudy they loved. I was always just "the guy with Trudy," just like you're "the girl with me". [Natalie stops]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, why is your name on this spit-shield? [Indeed, the spit-shields have Monk's name on them]
Adrian Monk: Well, when I was here, there was nothing protecting the food.
Natalie Teeger: So you donated all of these? That was so generous of you!
Adrian Monk: Well actually, it was more of a lawsuit. Took up a lot of my spare time. [Dianne Brooks sees them and walks over]
Dianne Brooks: Adrian, there you are. We've been looking for you. [She eyes Natalie rather suspiciously]
Natalie Teeger: Hi, I'm Natalie Teeger.
Dianne Brooks: [shakes hands with Natalie] Hi. Dianne Brooks.
Natalie Teeger: I'm his assistant.
Dianne Brooks: Oh, so you two aren't [dating]? [she points to Monk, and then to Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: No.
Adrian Monk: No. No. No. No. No-no-no-no.
Dianne Brooks: Ok. Where are you sitting?
Adrian Monk: Uh, we're not...
Dianne Brooks: Kyle and I are right over here. We saved you a seat. Fair warning - we brought a lot of pictures. [They start walking in that general direction]
Nata
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: One in a million. Maybe one in a trillion.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, forget about the dog!
Adrian Monk: How could the same person have two dogs, 25 years apart, happened to be named Tangerine? Tangerine? And this Tangerine is black!
Natalie Teeger: Why would anybody lie about a dog's name?
Adrian Monk: I don't know, but... there is something weird about that guy. Dianne said that he couldn't wait to meet me, but he didn't even know I was a detective.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, come on! Let's have some fun! [snaps her fingers] You said you were gonna show me your dorm room!
Adrian Monk: Well, it's right here, old #303. Uh-oh! Tie on the doorknob! [there is a tie hanging on the knob] My roommate and I did the same thing, it's a code.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I think I might know about that.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, it means, "Don't come in! I'm reorganizing my closet!"
Natalie Teeger: Your closet?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. My roommate in freshman year, Greg, he reorganized his closet 4-5 times a week.
Natalie Teeger: Uh-huh. And did his girlfriend ever come over to help?
Adrian Monk: Oh yeah, all the time, they were real neat freaks. I used to tease them about it. "Neat freaks!"
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, forget about the dog!
Adrian Monk: How could the same person have two dogs, 25 years apart, happened to be named Tangerine? Tangerine? And this Tangerine is black!
Natalie Teeger: Why would anybody lie about a dog's name?
Adrian Monk: I don't know, but... there is something weird about that guy. Dianne said that he couldn't wait to meet me, but he didn't even know I was a detective.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, come on! Let's have some fun! [snaps her fingers] You said you were gonna show me your dorm room!
Adrian Monk: Well, it's right here, old #303. Uh-oh! Tie on the doorknob! [there is a tie hanging on the knob] My roommate and I did the same thing, it's a code.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I think I might know about that.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, it means, "Don't come in! I'm reorganizing my closet!"
Natalie Teeger: Your closet?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. My roommate in freshman year, Greg, he reorganized his closet 4-5 times a week.
Natalie Teeger: Uh-huh. And did his girlfriend ever come over to help?
Adrian Monk: Oh yeah, all the time, they were real neat freaks. I used to tease them about it. "Neat freaks!"
TV Show: Monk
[Monk notices that a big wall of snow has built up inside the fridge in the student lounge]
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna need a spatula, a pan.... and a Bible.
[Cuts to Monk defrosting the fridge. Stottlemeyer walks in]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There you are.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, what are you doing here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looking for you. I was about to give up when I heard some clowns downstairs talking about a guy up here defrosting a refrigerator. Who's Captain Cool?
[Two students walk past them]
First Student: Captain Cool lives!
Second Student: The return of Captain Cool!
First Student: The Iceman cometh back! [They head down the hall laughing to themselves]
Adrian Monk: Might be me. [turns and continues to defrost]
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna need a spatula, a pan.... and a Bible.
[Cuts to Monk defrosting the fridge. Stottlemeyer walks in]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There you are.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, what are you doing here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looking for you. I was about to give up when I heard some clowns downstairs talking about a guy up here defrosting a refrigerator. Who's Captain Cool?
[Two students walk past them]
First Student: Captain Cool lives!
Second Student: The return of Captain Cool!
First Student: The Iceman cometh back! [They head down the hall laughing to themselves]
Adrian Monk: Might be me. [turns and continues to defrost]
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: Katherine Rutherford?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ring a bell? She was a nurse here at the university clinic. [points to Monk's pin] Found one of these near her body.
Adrian Monk: A reunion pin?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Did you notice anyone missing a pin?
Adrian Monk: I haven't noticed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I guess not. [Disher comes up to them]
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey, Monk. How's memory lane?
Adrian Monk: Ah, it's pretty awful. Thanks for asking.
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, I was at the security office going through some old files. I think we have a name: Henry Kalimarakis.
Adrian Monk: Oh, oh, oh, oh, he was on the swim team.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's correct. He was trying out for the Olympics. 25 years ago, Nurse Rutherford administered a drug test. Henry came back positive for steroids. She turned him in. He threatened her; said she ruined his life.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that's what the kids call a motive.
Natalie Teeger: Then he waited 25 years to do something about it? Who could hold a grudge for that long?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I could. And have. Let's check him out. Wanna come with?
Adrian Monk: Maybe later. I wanna show Natalie the library.
Lt. Randall Disher: I was just there; there's nothing special.
Natalie Teeger: It's where he met Trudy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ring a bell? She was a nurse here at the university clinic. [points to Monk's pin] Found one of these near her body.
Adrian Monk: A reunion pin?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Did you notice anyone missing a pin?
Adrian Monk: I haven't noticed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I guess not. [Disher comes up to them]
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey, Monk. How's memory lane?
Adrian Monk: Ah, it's pretty awful. Thanks for asking.
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, I was at the security office going through some old files. I think we have a name: Henry Kalimarakis.
Adrian Monk: Oh, oh, oh, oh, he was on the swim team.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's correct. He was trying out for the Olympics. 25 years ago, Nurse Rutherford administered a drug test. Henry came back positive for steroids. She turned him in. He threatened her; said she ruined his life.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that's what the kids call a motive.
Natalie Teeger: Then he waited 25 years to do something about it? Who could hold a grudge for that long?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I could. And have. Let's check him out. Wanna come with?
Adrian Monk: Maybe later. I wanna show Natalie the library.
Lt. Randall Disher: I was just there; there's nothing special.
Natalie Teeger: It's where he met Trudy.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: You mean when he wrote it on your back, you could feel it?
Adrian Monk: I have very sensitive skin.
Natalie Teeger: That's like a superpower! Like a very weird, not very useful, superpower.
Adrian Monk: I have very sensitive skin.
Natalie Teeger: That's like a superpower! Like a very weird, not very useful, superpower.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: Oh look. There's a reception for all current and past chess club members. Weren't you in the chess club? That sounds like fun. [Monk gives her an odd look] You never know. It might be fun.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, have you ever seen a chess club?
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
[Monk is picking at something underneath the bench]
Adrian Monk: Weeds.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, there are weeds everywhere! What are you gonna do? Clean up the whole campus?
Adrian Monk: Natalie, have you ever seen a chess club?
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
[Monk is picking at something underneath the bench]
Adrian Monk: Weeds.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, there are weeds everywhere! What are you gonna do? Clean up the whole campus?
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer is at the university clinic]
Clinic Doctor: Here it is. Katherine Rutherford's employment file. [He hands it to Stottlemeyer, who starts flipping through it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So if there were any complaints or any grievances against her, they'd be in here, right?
Clinic Doctor: Yeah we'd have a copy of it, but I can't think of anyone who had anything bad to say about her. Katie was an angel; a great nurse. It's just heartbreaking. Say, did you go to school here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Me? No.
Clinic Doctor: Oh you look familiar. Maybe one of your kids.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. I was here one time though for a No Nukes rally. It was a long time ago.
Clinic Doctor: Yeah, that must be it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Must be.
[Randy comes back to Stottlemeyer]
Lt Randall Disher: Captain? I, uh, tracked down [Henry] Kalimarakis. I don't think he's our guy. [looks at his notes] Number One: it turns out he was allowed to join the Olympic swim team as an alternate. He uh, got a waiver.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So there's no motive.
Lt. Randall Disher: Right. Number Two, he's dead. He died in 1995. And Number Three, he moved to Europe in the late '80s so there's no record of him returning to the United States...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Randy? Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt you, but could you read Number Two again?
Lt. Randall Disher: Okey-doke. Uh, he's dead.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right... See I probably would have stopped reading after Number Two. In fact I would have read Number Two first.
Lt. Randall Disher: You would have switched them?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. But that's just me. And
Clinic Doctor: Here it is. Katherine Rutherford's employment file. [He hands it to Stottlemeyer, who starts flipping through it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So if there were any complaints or any grievances against her, they'd be in here, right?
Clinic Doctor: Yeah we'd have a copy of it, but I can't think of anyone who had anything bad to say about her. Katie was an angel; a great nurse. It's just heartbreaking. Say, did you go to school here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Me? No.
Clinic Doctor: Oh you look familiar. Maybe one of your kids.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. I was here one time though for a No Nukes rally. It was a long time ago.
Clinic Doctor: Yeah, that must be it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Must be.
[Randy comes back to Stottlemeyer]
Lt Randall Disher: Captain? I, uh, tracked down [Henry] Kalimarakis. I don't think he's our guy. [looks at his notes] Number One: it turns out he was allowed to join the Olympic swim team as an alternate. He uh, got a waiver.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So there's no motive.
Lt. Randall Disher: Right. Number Two, he's dead. He died in 1995. And Number Three, he moved to Europe in the late '80s so there's no record of him returning to the United States...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Randy? Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt you, but could you read Number Two again?
Lt. Randall Disher: Okey-doke. Uh, he's dead.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right... See I probably would have stopped reading after Number Two. In fact I would have read Number Two first.
Lt. Randall Disher: You would have switched them?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. But that's just me. And
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie are at the reunion dinner. Monk points at Kyle Brooks]
Adrian Monk: He missed that ball on purpose. He dropped his hands. I think he wanted her to break that glass.
Natalie Teeger: Well why, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: And the dog? What about the dog with the same name and how he insisted on everyone eating at Rocco's? What was that all about?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know! Maybe the guy's eccentric!
Adrian Monk: No, *I'm* eccentric. He's up to something.
Adrian Monk: He missed that ball on purpose. He dropped his hands. I think he wanted her to break that glass.
Natalie Teeger: Well why, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: And the dog? What about the dog with the same name and how he insisted on everyone eating at Rocco's? What was that all about?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know! Maybe the guy's eccentric!
Adrian Monk: No, *I'm* eccentric. He's up to something.
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer is asking for information on their homicide investigation]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Can you kill the music please? Thank you.
[the music stops. Stottlemeyer tests the microphone and gets a bit of feedback]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sorry to interrupt your dinner. This will just take a minute. My name is Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. I'm with the San Francisco Police Department, and we're working on a homicide investigation and could use your help. As you all know, a woman was killed on Friday night. Her name was Katherine Rutherford; she worked as a nurse at the university clinic. [Kyle and Dianne Brooks sit down at Monk's and Natalie's table] Now, we have reason to believe that someone in your class, possibly someone in this room, might be involved. We're looking for information - if anyone knows anyone who might have had a grudge against Mrs. Rutherford, or someone who might be missing a reunion lapel pin. The alumni... [the projector shows a photo of Stottlemeyer in riot gear, and everyone starts booing at him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right! Hey-hey-hey-hey! Look! Settle down! Settle down. This- [takes a quick look at the photograph] This is completely out of context. You can't tell the whole story from ONE photograph! [the image changes to show the whole photo, which depicts Stottlemeyer subduing a protestor and grabbing him by the neck. After a bit more booing from the audience, he speaks up and says]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You didn't have a permit!
Male Student: Yes we did!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It expired at Noon! [the image on the projector changes to one of Stottlemeyer pointing at the Campanile clock tower, which reads 12: 06 PM]
Male Student: 12: 06!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Like I said, it expired
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Can you kill the music please? Thank you.
[the music stops. Stottlemeyer tests the microphone and gets a bit of feedback]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sorry to interrupt your dinner. This will just take a minute. My name is Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. I'm with the San Francisco Police Department, and we're working on a homicide investigation and could use your help. As you all know, a woman was killed on Friday night. Her name was Katherine Rutherford; she worked as a nurse at the university clinic. [Kyle and Dianne Brooks sit down at Monk's and Natalie's table] Now, we have reason to believe that someone in your class, possibly someone in this room, might be involved. We're looking for information - if anyone knows anyone who might have had a grudge against Mrs. Rutherford, or someone who might be missing a reunion lapel pin. The alumni... [the projector shows a photo of Stottlemeyer in riot gear, and everyone starts booing at him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right! Hey-hey-hey-hey! Look! Settle down! Settle down. This- [takes a quick look at the photograph] This is completely out of context. You can't tell the whole story from ONE photograph! [the image changes to show the whole photo, which depicts Stottlemeyer subduing a protestor and grabbing him by the neck. After a bit more booing from the audience, he speaks up and says]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You didn't have a permit!
Male Student: Yes we did!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It expired at Noon! [the image on the projector changes to one of Stottlemeyer pointing at the Campanile clock tower, which reads 12: 06 PM]
Male Student: 12: 06!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Like I said, it expired
TV Show: Monk
[Monk remembers Dianne Brooks using his back as a writing desk, and tries to remember what she wrote.]
Lt. Randall Disher: Can he do that?
Natalie Teeger: It's how he met Trudy! It's his superpower!
Lt. Randall Disher: Can he do that?
Natalie Teeger: It's how he met Trudy! It's his superpower!
TV Show: Monk
Monk: I'm Adrian Monk, here to see Dr. Sorenson.
Receptionist: Fill this out.
Monk: It says to list your phobias.
Receptionist: That's right.
Monk: There are only five spaces.
Receptionist: You can use the back.
Monk: I might need another sheet. [she hands him another sheet] I might need another sheet. [she hands him another sheet] I might need another sheet. [she hands him another sheet, and repeats this a few more times]
Receptionist: Fill this out.
Monk: It says to list your phobias.
Receptionist: That's right.
Monk: There are only five spaces.
Receptionist: You can use the back.
Monk: I might need another sheet. [she hands him another sheet] I might need another sheet. [she hands him another sheet] I might need another sheet. [she hands him another sheet, and repeats this a few more times]
TV Show: Monk
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, I cannot continue to practice anymore after today. The police think that one of my patients killed Teresa Mueller. I should have seen it coming. I didn't; I missed it. This is all my fault.
Adrian Monk: This isn't happening. This can't be happening.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I promise you I'll get you another doctor. I'll call you next week.
Adrian Monk: Okay! So it's not true! You're not retiring! I mean, you can't because... He can't retire...
Dr. Kroger: [to Natalie] This is step one in the grieving process: denial. [Monk comes back to Dr. Kroger]
Adrian Monk: Damn you, Charles! Damn you to hell! I hate you. I hate you! You are dead to me.
Natalie Teeger: That's not denial.
Dr. Kroger: No, that's step two, that's anger.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, we're all adults here. We can work this out. I can hire you full time, all right? Put you on payroll.
Dr. Kroger: This is step three, the bargaining. It usually doesn't go around this quickly.
Adrian Monk: Why me? Why is it always me? Everybody's always leaving me.
Natalie Teeger: Depression?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, step four.
Adrian Monk: This can't go on. I mean, it's just too much. Okay, you're right. It's not the end of the world. I'll just have to find another doctor. I owe you so much. Thanks to you, I think I can get past this. Thanks, doc.
Dr. Kroger: And finally, step five, acceptance.
Natalie Teeger: Thank God that's over. [Monk walks over to another police officer]
Adrian Monk: He can't retire! The man can't quit because he's not a quitter.
Natalie Teeger: Wait, what's going on?
Dr. Kroger: I don't know. It's like he's starting all over again, like he's in a loop. [Monk peeps through the window
Adrian Monk: This isn't happening. This can't be happening.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I promise you I'll get you another doctor. I'll call you next week.
Adrian Monk: Okay! So it's not true! You're not retiring! I mean, you can't because... He can't retire...
Dr. Kroger: [to Natalie] This is step one in the grieving process: denial. [Monk comes back to Dr. Kroger]
Adrian Monk: Damn you, Charles! Damn you to hell! I hate you. I hate you! You are dead to me.
Natalie Teeger: That's not denial.
Dr. Kroger: No, that's step two, that's anger.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, we're all adults here. We can work this out. I can hire you full time, all right? Put you on payroll.
Dr. Kroger: This is step three, the bargaining. It usually doesn't go around this quickly.
Adrian Monk: Why me? Why is it always me? Everybody's always leaving me.
Natalie Teeger: Depression?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, step four.
Adrian Monk: This can't go on. I mean, it's just too much. Okay, you're right. It's not the end of the world. I'll just have to find another doctor. I owe you so much. Thanks to you, I think I can get past this. Thanks, doc.
Dr. Kroger: And finally, step five, acceptance.
Natalie Teeger: Thank God that's over. [Monk walks over to another police officer]
Adrian Monk: He can't retire! The man can't quit because he's not a quitter.
Natalie Teeger: Wait, what's going on?
Dr. Kroger: I don't know. It's like he's starting all over again, like he's in a loop. [Monk peeps through the window
TV Show: Monk