Monk Quotes
Randy: [holding the Siblings of the Sun book] Monk, have you even read this thing?
Monk: Have you?
[Dr Kroger enters to find Randy shirtless and singing the cult's song with Monk.]
Dr. Kroger: Randy? Randy? [Randy looks up, then leaves] Somebody keep an eye on Randy?
Monk: Have you?
[Dr Kroger enters to find Randy shirtless and singing the cult's song with Monk.]
Dr. Kroger: Randy? Randy? [Randy looks up, then leaves] Somebody keep an eye on Randy?
TV Show: Monk
Monk: [about Father] I love him. He taught me what love really means.
Dr. Kroger: You used to say that about Trudy, Adrian. What do you think she'd say if she were here?
Dr. Kroger: You used to say that about Trudy, Adrian. What do you think she'd say if she were here?
TV Show: Monk
Monk: We sure showed him.
Natalie: Yeah, we did. You did great, Boss.
Monk: Oh, God! Did you stop that check?
Natalie: Yeah, I already called the bank.
Monk: We sure showed him.
Natalie: Yeah, we did.
Natalie: Yeah, we did. You did great, Boss.
Monk: Oh, God! Did you stop that check?
Natalie: Yeah, I already called the bank.
Monk: We sure showed him.
Natalie: Yeah, we did.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is sitting on the floor in a locked bank vault.]
Monk: I'm gonna die, right here.
Natalie: No, you are not!
Monk: You're right. [stands up and points] I'm gonna die over here. I call this spot. The rest of you can die over there.
Stottlemeyer: That's it. Monk is no longer the morale officer.
Monk: I'm gonna die, right here.
Natalie: No, you are not!
Monk: You're right. [stands up and points] I'm gonna die over here. I call this spot. The rest of you can die over there.
Stottlemeyer: That's it. Monk is no longer the morale officer.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: [spots Randy, who has frozen still as he practices to become a Living Statue] Randy? What are you doing? [no response. Natalie blushes] Hello? Are you all right? [She walks in a circle around him, but he is still frozen] Oh, my gosh... tickle, tickle, tickle! [tickles Randy hoping that he will react] All right... [starts to walk away, then turns back and jumps off the floor and onto Randy's shoulder. He still doesn't move!] I'm gonna take these two pencils, and I'm gonna stick them up your nose. [puts one in one nostril] Pencil number one. [puts one in the other nostril] Pencil number two. [Still no response from Randy, who now looks like a frozen walrus with pencil tusks] Our tax dollars at work.
TV Show: Monk
[Disher tries to question a Living Statue performer with no success]
Lt. Randall Disher: Excuse me. Lieutenant Disher, SFPD. You've got a pretty good view of the bank from here. We're investigating a robbery that took place earlier this morning. [the Living Statue doesn't hear him] Sir? [pause. Still no response] Sir, this is official police business. It will just take a minute. [takes out his badge and flashes it] If you're not too busy. [pause. Still no response] OK, I know you can hear me. Look, I just saw you blink. You blinked. [Randy tries to startle the performer in hope that he will react; the performer doesn't move a muscle] Oh. I get it. [He waves a dollar bill in front of the performer, and then drops the bill into the performer's collection box] Normally, we don't pay for information! So, what time did you arrive at the park this morning, sir? [Still no response] OK, you know what, pal? I can get a crane here in 20 minutes, lift you up and drag you downtown.
[the Living Statue's alarm goes off, and he steps off his pedestal, indicating that it's his break time]
Living Statue Performer: It's my break, man.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, thank you. That's more like it.
Living Statue Performer: [groans] This is my job. I mean, how would you like it if I came to your office and [screams] in your face, huh? [He yells in anger again] Was I here? Yes, I was here. I've been here all day. I'm here every morning. Even Sundays.
Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Did you see anything unusual at around 9: 00?
Living Statue: Yeah. I, I saw a guy. About 5' 10", green hoodie. He was hanging out, pacin' around. Looked kinda nervous, and then, he went inside.
Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Did you see his face?
Living Statue: He had his hood up. Sor
Lt. Randall Disher: Excuse me. Lieutenant Disher, SFPD. You've got a pretty good view of the bank from here. We're investigating a robbery that took place earlier this morning. [the Living Statue doesn't hear him] Sir? [pause. Still no response] Sir, this is official police business. It will just take a minute. [takes out his badge and flashes it] If you're not too busy. [pause. Still no response] OK, I know you can hear me. Look, I just saw you blink. You blinked. [Randy tries to startle the performer in hope that he will react; the performer doesn't move a muscle] Oh. I get it. [He waves a dollar bill in front of the performer, and then drops the bill into the performer's collection box] Normally, we don't pay for information! So, what time did you arrive at the park this morning, sir? [Still no response] OK, you know what, pal? I can get a crane here in 20 minutes, lift you up and drag you downtown.
[the Living Statue's alarm goes off, and he steps off his pedestal, indicating that it's his break time]
Living Statue Performer: It's my break, man.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, thank you. That's more like it.
Living Statue Performer: [groans] This is my job. I mean, how would you like it if I came to your office and [screams] in your face, huh? [He yells in anger again] Was I here? Yes, I was here. I've been here all day. I'm here every morning. Even Sundays.
Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Did you see anything unusual at around 9: 00?
Living Statue: Yeah. I, I saw a guy. About 5' 10", green hoodie. He was hanging out, pacin' around. Looked kinda nervous, and then, he went inside.
Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Did you see his face?
Living Statue: He had his hood up. Sor
TV Show: Monk
[Monk having an apointment with Dr. Kroger after discovering the stuffed dead body of Julia Teeger]
Adrian Monk: [grabbing a tissue] I just want to thank you again for seeing me on such short notice. Were you sleeping?
Dr. Charles Kroger: No, no, no, happy to do it.
Adrian Monk: Your wife wasn't too happy. I could hear her in the background.
Dr. Charles Kroger: No, Madeleine is fine. It's part of the job and she knows that.
Adrian Monk: Does she have tourette syndrome?
Dr. Charles Kroger: [thinking for a while] Yes! Yes she does. So, uh, a glass eyeball?
Adrian Monk: The mother died three months ago, the son never reported it.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Now, hang on, did the son kill the mother?
Adrian Monk: Well the doctors say no. It was a heart aneurysm. Her son, Matthew, is an amateur taxidermist. He stuffed her body, carried her from room to room, like nothing happened.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Yeah, I've heard of cases like that. You see, he couldn't function without her. And they call it radical cognitive bonding.
Adrian Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?
Dr. Charles Kroger: Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.
Adrian Monk: [grabbing a tissue] I just want to thank you again for seeing me on such short notice. Were you sleeping?
Dr. Charles Kroger: No, no, no, happy to do it.
Adrian Monk: Your wife wasn't too happy. I could hear her in the background.
Dr. Charles Kroger: No, Madeleine is fine. It's part of the job and she knows that.
Adrian Monk: Does she have tourette syndrome?
Dr. Charles Kroger: [thinking for a while] Yes! Yes she does. So, uh, a glass eyeball?
Adrian Monk: The mother died three months ago, the son never reported it.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Now, hang on, did the son kill the mother?
Adrian Monk: Well the doctors say no. It was a heart aneurysm. Her son, Matthew, is an amateur taxidermist. He stuffed her body, carried her from room to room, like nothing happened.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Yeah, I've heard of cases like that. You see, he couldn't function without her. And they call it radical cognitive bonding.
Adrian Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?
Dr. Charles Kroger: Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: Randy, I need to ask a favor...
Lt. Randall Disher: The answer is yes.
Natalie Teeger: I need a gun.
Lt. Randall Disher: The answer is no.
Lt. Randall Disher: The answer is yes.
Natalie Teeger: I need a gun.
Lt. Randall Disher: The answer is no.
TV Show: Monk
[Randy has been disguised as Matthew Teeger's mother as part of a sting operation, with Monk, Stottlemeyer and a technician handling the operation from the back of a van]
Police Technician: Tape is rolling. [sneezes] Could you hand me a Kleenex? [Monk hands him one]
Adrian Monk: Kills 99.9% of all cold and flu viruses. Only 99.9. [A scratching noise is emitted over the wire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, what are you doing?
[Cuts to upstairs, where Randy, dressed in drag and a gray wig and sitting in a rocking chair, is adjusting his bra]
Lt. Randall Disher: My bra's itching. How do they walk around in this stuff?
Police Technician: This is a new low.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Actually, it's not a new low. That's the sad part.
Lt. Randall Disher: [through his wire] He's never gonna buy this.
Adrian Monk: Dr. Kroger thinks he will. Matthew Teeger has suffered a pure psychotic break, he's in complete denial. His mother never died, not to him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The important thing is that we keep him talking.
Lt. Randall Disher: What if he has a knife?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No it has to be covert. It has to sound conversational, sound natural.
Adrian Monk: How about this: "I wish there were ten of them."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ten of what?
Adrian Monk: Of anything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, you see, Monk. I don't think anyone would say that.
Lt. Randall Disher: I've heard peo
Police Technician: Tape is rolling. [sneezes] Could you hand me a Kleenex? [Monk hands him one]
Adrian Monk: Kills 99.9% of all cold and flu viruses. Only 99.9. [A scratching noise is emitted over the wire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, what are you doing?
[Cuts to upstairs, where Randy, dressed in drag and a gray wig and sitting in a rocking chair, is adjusting his bra]
Lt. Randall Disher: My bra's itching. How do they walk around in this stuff?
Police Technician: This is a new low.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Actually, it's not a new low. That's the sad part.
Lt. Randall Disher: [through his wire] He's never gonna buy this.
Adrian Monk: Dr. Kroger thinks he will. Matthew Teeger has suffered a pure psychotic break, he's in complete denial. His mother never died, not to him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The important thing is that we keep him talking.
Lt. Randall Disher: What if he has a knife?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No it has to be covert. It has to sound conversational, sound natural.
Adrian Monk: How about this: "I wish there were ten of them."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ten of what?
Adrian Monk: Of anything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, you see, Monk. I don't think anyone would say that.
Lt. Randall Disher: I've heard peo
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: How many Julie Teegers do you think there could be?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. We're checking the phone directories.
Adrian Monk: What about children? They wouldn't all be listed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's true. Check the schools - public and private - and birth records.
Detective: The whole country?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Start in California. Work your way up the coast.
Adrian Monk: What about women who are married, who change their names?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's right. Call Social Security.
Detective: OK. When do you want it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How 'bout now?
Detective: How about tonight?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How 'bout you get busy. [to Monk] Any ideas?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. I don't know.... OK. Maybe a hit man was paid to kill Julie Teeger, but he doesn't know what she looks like.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And he's killing all of them? Monk, that doesn't track! The M.O.s are so different: the housewife was stabbed and the graduate student was run down.
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay, you're right, that doesn't make any sense... [Disher comes in]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain. Monk. I've got two ideas. Which do you want first?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The one that will make me less pissed off. [Randy sets a file down on the desk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Theory A. I remember this old case - Matthew Teeger, 35 years old. The guy's been committed twice for acute schizophrenia and delusions.
Adrian Monk: Any arrests?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, assault. Three years ago he attacked his stepfather. He s
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. We're checking the phone directories.
Adrian Monk: What about children? They wouldn't all be listed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's true. Check the schools - public and private - and birth records.
Detective: The whole country?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Start in California. Work your way up the coast.
Adrian Monk: What about women who are married, who change their names?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's right. Call Social Security.
Detective: OK. When do you want it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How 'bout now?
Detective: How about tonight?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How 'bout you get busy. [to Monk] Any ideas?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. I don't know.... OK. Maybe a hit man was paid to kill Julie Teeger, but he doesn't know what she looks like.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And he's killing all of them? Monk, that doesn't track! The M.O.s are so different: the housewife was stabbed and the graduate student was run down.
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay, you're right, that doesn't make any sense... [Disher comes in]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain. Monk. I've got two ideas. Which do you want first?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The one that will make me less pissed off. [Randy sets a file down on the desk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Theory A. I remember this old case - Matthew Teeger, 35 years old. The guy's been committed twice for acute schizophrenia and delusions.
Adrian Monk: Any arrests?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, assault. Three years ago he attacked his stepfather. He s
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Matthew's house in Stottlemeyer's banged-up car]
Lt. Randall Disher: What a dump.
Adrian Monk: But you can tell it used to be beautiful. How could something like this happen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know; maybe Natalie drove it someplace.
Lt. Randall Disher: What a dump.
Adrian Monk: But you can tell it used to be beautiful. How could something like this happen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know; maybe Natalie drove it someplace.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Stottlemeyer, and Disher arrive at the second Julie Teeger crime scene in a cruiser]
Natalie Teeger: It's not her.
Adrian Monk: Another Julie Teeger? That's impossible.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Very nearly. [They start walking towards the body]
Natalie Teeger: But this one is totally different; it was an accident. She was a graduate student, she was on her bike, and some guy just hit her and kept on going.
Adrian Monk: But her name? Her name is definitely Julie Teeger, spelled the same?
Lt. Randall Disher: You know, actually, these things happen all the time. I once took this course in statistics; there was this woman in Michigan. She won the lottery; the next day, she got bit by a shark.
Adrian Monk: And what does that prove?
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know. I ended up dropping the class.
[While Monk looks at the body, Stottlemeyer looks at the extensive damage Natalie has put on his new car, namely the fact that the hood has been smashed]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell happened? It was only two miles.
Natalie Teeger: I took a shortcut. I... cut across the creek.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.
Natalie Teeger: I know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is no bridge across the creek.
Natalie Teeger: Yes, I know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, I am sorry. I will pay for everything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's okay. It's insured. [tries once more to get a smudge off the battered hood of the car]
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah remember, sir, that you did say any parent would have
Natalie Teeger: It's not her.
Adrian Monk: Another Julie Teeger? That's impossible.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Very nearly. [They start walking towards the body]
Natalie Teeger: But this one is totally different; it was an accident. She was a graduate student, she was on her bike, and some guy just hit her and kept on going.
Adrian Monk: But her name? Her name is definitely Julie Teeger, spelled the same?
Lt. Randall Disher: You know, actually, these things happen all the time. I once took this course in statistics; there was this woman in Michigan. She won the lottery; the next day, she got bit by a shark.
Adrian Monk: And what does that prove?
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know. I ended up dropping the class.
[While Monk looks at the body, Stottlemeyer looks at the extensive damage Natalie has put on his new car, namely the fact that the hood has been smashed]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell happened? It was only two miles.
Natalie Teeger: I took a shortcut. I... cut across the creek.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.
Natalie Teeger: I know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is no bridge across the creek.
Natalie Teeger: Yes, I know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, I am sorry. I will pay for everything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's okay. It's insured. [tries once more to get a smudge off the battered hood of the car]
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah remember, sir, that you did say any parent would have
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie tries to use her cell phone to contact her Julie]
Natalie Teeger: It's me again. Please, I need to hear your voice. Call me when you get this. [She hangs up and she starts walking away]
Police Dispatcher: [on a uniformed cop's radio] Tentative ID on the victim is Julie Teeger. [Natalie stops, and listens carefully]
First Uniform Cop: Unit 9, could you repeat the name of the victim?
Police Dispatcher: Julie Teeger. That's "T" for "Thomas." Teeger.
First Uniform Cop: Unit 9, this has got to be a mix up. We're already at the Teeger scene, on Bow Street.
Police Dispatcher: I don't know what to tell you, buddy. I'm looking at her ID right now. The picture matches. It's definitely her. [Natalie runs over to Stottlemeyer's car. She is getting in just as Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are finishing up inside and are coming out of the house]
Adrian Monk: Natalie? Natalie?! [She speeds away]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell is her problem?!
Natalie Teeger: It's me again. Please, I need to hear your voice. Call me when you get this. [She hangs up and she starts walking away]
Police Dispatcher: [on a uniformed cop's radio] Tentative ID on the victim is Julie Teeger. [Natalie stops, and listens carefully]
First Uniform Cop: Unit 9, could you repeat the name of the victim?
Police Dispatcher: Julie Teeger. That's "T" for "Thomas." Teeger.
First Uniform Cop: Unit 9, this has got to be a mix up. We're already at the Teeger scene, on Bow Street.
Police Dispatcher: I don't know what to tell you, buddy. I'm looking at her ID right now. The picture matches. It's definitely her. [Natalie runs over to Stottlemeyer's car. She is getting in just as Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are finishing up inside and are coming out of the house]
Adrian Monk: Natalie? Natalie?! [She speeds away]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell is her problem?!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie are conversing while waiting for Stottlemeyer and Disher on the walkie-talkie. Monk locks the doors of Stottlemeyer's new Dodge Charger]
Natalie Teeger: Speaking of cars, guess where Julie is today? Drivers' ed. She's taking her test tomorrow. She wants me to buy her a used car. Can you believe it? I don't know what to say.
Adrian Monk: Just say no. You obviously can't afford it.
Natalie Teeger: Have you ever tried saying "no" to a teenager?
Adrian Monk: How hard can it be?
Natalie Teeger: It's impossible! They're a force of nature. It's like... walking into a hurricane. [These last few words are overlapped with a transmission over the walkie-talkie]
Police Dispatcher: [over radio] All units, be advised, possible 187, Julie Teeger. Repeat, all units, possible 187. [Natalie panick and presses the communication button on the walkie-talkie]
Natalie Teeger: The victim's name! Repeat the victim's name!
Police Dispatcher: Julie Teeger. [Natalie turns to Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God. What's a 187?
Adrian Monk: Uh...
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, what's a 187?!
Adrian Monk: Homicide.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, my God! [she grabs Stottlemeyer's car keys]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, wait! Just call the Captain! Wait for the Captain!
[Natalie does not listen. She jumps into Stottlemeyer's car, and speeds away]
Natalie Teeger: Speaking of cars, guess where Julie is today? Drivers' ed. She's taking her test tomorrow. She wants me to buy her a used car. Can you believe it? I don't know what to say.
Adrian Monk: Just say no. You obviously can't afford it.
Natalie Teeger: Have you ever tried saying "no" to a teenager?
Adrian Monk: How hard can it be?
Natalie Teeger: It's impossible! They're a force of nature. It's like... walking into a hurricane. [These last few words are overlapped with a transmission over the walkie-talkie]
Police Dispatcher: [over radio] All units, be advised, possible 187, Julie Teeger. Repeat, all units, possible 187. [Natalie panick and presses the communication button on the walkie-talkie]
Natalie Teeger: The victim's name! Repeat the victim's name!
Police Dispatcher: Julie Teeger. [Natalie turns to Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God. What's a 187?
Adrian Monk: Uh...
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, what's a 187?!
Adrian Monk: Homicide.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, my God! [she grabs Stottlemeyer's car keys]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, wait! Just call the Captain! Wait for the Captain!
[Natalie does not listen. She jumps into Stottlemeyer's car, and speeds away]
TV Show: Monk
[Julie is with her driving instructor. She turns onto another street, disregarding the stop sign]
Mr. Carlson: Miss Teeger, what are you doing?
Julie Teeger: Turning.
Mr. Carlson: I could've sworn we just passed a stop sign. I guess I must be imagining things. Just pull over. [Julie pulls over]
Julie Teeger: Sorry. I didn't see it.
Mr. Carlson: I can understand that. They hid it so cleverly... on top of that big post. [pause] All right, Miss Teeger, let's be adventurous. Let's try a three point turn. Now what's the first step?
Julie Teeger: Pray. [Carlson casts a look at her] I'm sorry. I'm just kidding, that was a joke.
Mr. Carlson: You might want to save all of your prayers for your driving test tomorrow. [Julie starts to make her three point turn] Hold on. What are you forgetting? [pause] Your blinker.
Julie Teeger: Oh, it's no big deal. There's no one around.
[Three police cars come barreling around the corner, sirens wailing, and box Julie in]
Julie Teeger: OK, I'm using my blinker! My blinker's on! [Natalie jumps out of one cruiser]
Natalie Teeger: Julie. Julie, thank god!
Julie Teeger: Mom? [She rolls the window down a little bit. Natalie opens the door and quickly gets Julie in the back of the cruiser] What's going on?
Natalie Teeger: You have to come with us right now!
Julie Teeger: Oh my god! It was just a blinker!
Mr. Carlson: Miss Teeger, what are you doing?
Julie Teeger: Turning.
Mr. Carlson: I could've sworn we just passed a stop sign. I guess I must be imagining things. Just pull over. [Julie pulls over]
Julie Teeger: Sorry. I didn't see it.
Mr. Carlson: I can understand that. They hid it so cleverly... on top of that big post. [pause] All right, Miss Teeger, let's be adventurous. Let's try a three point turn. Now what's the first step?
Julie Teeger: Pray. [Carlson casts a look at her] I'm sorry. I'm just kidding, that was a joke.
Mr. Carlson: You might want to save all of your prayers for your driving test tomorrow. [Julie starts to make her three point turn] Hold on. What are you forgetting? [pause] Your blinker.
Julie Teeger: Oh, it's no big deal. There's no one around.
[Three police cars come barreling around the corner, sirens wailing, and box Julie in]
Julie Teeger: OK, I'm using my blinker! My blinker's on! [Natalie jumps out of one cruiser]
Natalie Teeger: Julie. Julie, thank god!
Julie Teeger: Mom? [She rolls the window down a little bit. Natalie opens the door and quickly gets Julie in the back of the cruiser] What's going on?
Natalie Teeger: You have to come with us right now!
Julie Teeger: Oh my god! It was just a blinker!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is painting in Natalie's living room, with all her furniture and stuff gone.]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, where is my stuff?
Adrian Monk: Outside.
Natalie Teeger: Well, what if it rains?
Adrian Monk: Then your stuff will get wet. Art requires a little sacrifice.
Natalie Teeger: [notices that her curtains are missing as well] What? And my curtains?!
Adrian Monk: I need the light! Eastern light! C'est finis!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, where is my stuff?
Adrian Monk: Outside.
Natalie Teeger: Well, what if it rains?
Adrian Monk: Then your stuff will get wet. Art requires a little sacrifice.
Natalie Teeger: [notices that her curtains are missing as well] What? And my curtains?!
Adrian Monk: I need the light! Eastern light! C'est finis!
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie is suspicious about Petya Lovak]
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, Mr. Monk, I've been doing a little research on your friend Petya. I Googled him. At least, I tried to, and there's no record of him anywhere.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, people like Petya--important people, wealthy people--they are un-Googleable.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, it doesn't work like that. It's not like an unlisted phone number.
Adrian Monk: Un-Googleable! End of discussion.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, Mr. Monk, I've been doing a little research on your friend Petya. I Googled him. At least, I tried to, and there's no record of him anywhere.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, people like Petya--important people, wealthy people--they are un-Googleable.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, it doesn't work like that. It's not like an unlisted phone number.
Adrian Monk: Un-Googleable! End of discussion.
TV Show: Monk
Lt. Randall Disher: [accidentally knocks over some junk, thinking it's a booby trap] BOOBY TRAP!
Stottlemeyer: Randy! RANDY! It's not a booby trap! It's a spider's web.
Bennie Wentworth: What's going on? Did you break this [bike]?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry.
Bennie Wentworth: You break it, you bought it. That's the rule.
Natalie Teeger: It's a junkyard. How do you know if something's broken?
Bennie Wentworth: I know. I can tell. Look. [picks up bicycle] This wheel is all bent! $40 bucks!
Lt. Randall Disher: $40 bucks. No way.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Bennie] Mr. Wentworth, this is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're helping us out. I was wondering, could you go over the whole thing again, please?
Bennie Wentworth: Go over what? The guy was on my property, he tried to rip me off. He got what was coming to him, end of story. [back to Randy] I tell you what. Give me $20 bucks, we'll forget about the whole thing.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm not paying for it!
Adrian Monk: What was he doing here? Mr. Wentworth, what do you think he was after?
Bennie Wentworth: I don't know. Maybe he needed a carburetor. People need carburetors.
Adrian Monk: He was wearing a $2,000 suit. And those are Italian shoes. I think he could afford a carburetor.
Bennie Wentworth: Maybe he stole the suit. That's possible, isn't it? Maybe he stole the shoes! Maybe he's on a spree.
Adrian Monk: The suit, the shoes, the carburetor. What kind of spree is that?
Bennie Wentworth: I don't know. An eclectic spree?
Natalie Teeger: Do you have any enemies?
Bennie Wentworth: None that I can think of, except for this guy the bicycle thief [points at Randy accusingly].
[Benny makes anoth
Stottlemeyer: Randy! RANDY! It's not a booby trap! It's a spider's web.
Bennie Wentworth: What's going on? Did you break this [bike]?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry.
Bennie Wentworth: You break it, you bought it. That's the rule.
Natalie Teeger: It's a junkyard. How do you know if something's broken?
Bennie Wentworth: I know. I can tell. Look. [picks up bicycle] This wheel is all bent! $40 bucks!
Lt. Randall Disher: $40 bucks. No way.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Bennie] Mr. Wentworth, this is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're helping us out. I was wondering, could you go over the whole thing again, please?
Bennie Wentworth: Go over what? The guy was on my property, he tried to rip me off. He got what was coming to him, end of story. [back to Randy] I tell you what. Give me $20 bucks, we'll forget about the whole thing.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm not paying for it!
Adrian Monk: What was he doing here? Mr. Wentworth, what do you think he was after?
Bennie Wentworth: I don't know. Maybe he needed a carburetor. People need carburetors.
Adrian Monk: He was wearing a $2,000 suit. And those are Italian shoes. I think he could afford a carburetor.
Bennie Wentworth: Maybe he stole the suit. That's possible, isn't it? Maybe he stole the shoes! Maybe he's on a spree.
Adrian Monk: The suit, the shoes, the carburetor. What kind of spree is that?
Bennie Wentworth: I don't know. An eclectic spree?
Natalie Teeger: Do you have any enemies?
Bennie Wentworth: None that I can think of, except for this guy the bicycle thief [points at Randy accusingly].
[Benny makes anoth
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie is carrying Monk's ugly portrait of her and about to throw it onto the burning pile of canvases]
Lt. Randall Disher: Natalie, what are you doing? Hey, HEY! What are you doing? [He wrestles Monk's ugly portrait from Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: Randy, let go! Come on, let me burn it!
Lt. Randall Disher: [holds up his hand] It's evidence! Secret Service are on their way. It's the only painting we have left. It's going to be Exhibit A.
Natalie Teeger: Exhibit A?!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah! It's big news, Natalie! It's going to be one of the most famous paintings in the world!
Natalie Teeger: You're right. You're right, I'm sorry.
[Natalie puts her hands over her eyes to give herself "fresh eyes" to look at the painting. She turns away, and suddenly, she turns and runs back and tries to wrestle the painting from Randy once more.]
Natalie Teeger: Ow! Burn it! BURN IT!
Lt. Randall Disher: [grabbing Natalie, and turning to the other cops] Grab that painting!
Natalie Teeger: [shrieking] OWWW! BURN IT!
Lt. Randall Disher: Natalie, what are you doing? Hey, HEY! What are you doing? [He wrestles Monk's ugly portrait from Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: Randy, let go! Come on, let me burn it!
Lt. Randall Disher: [holds up his hand] It's evidence! Secret Service are on their way. It's the only painting we have left. It's going to be Exhibit A.
Natalie Teeger: Exhibit A?!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah! It's big news, Natalie! It's going to be one of the most famous paintings in the world!
Natalie Teeger: You're right. You're right, I'm sorry.
[Natalie puts her hands over her eyes to give herself "fresh eyes" to look at the painting. She turns away, and suddenly, she turns and runs back and tries to wrestle the painting from Randy once more.]
Natalie Teeger: Ow! Burn it! BURN IT!
Lt. Randall Disher: [grabbing Natalie, and turning to the other cops] Grab that painting!
Natalie Teeger: [shrieking] OWWW! BURN IT!
TV Show: Monk
Monk's lawyer: Your Honor, my client is not a flight risk. For fourteen years he served the City of San Francisco honorably as a police officer. He still has friends in the department, some of whom are here today and prepared to testify on his behalf. I would also like to point out that, even if he wanted to flee, my client doesn't drive. He also has an obsessive fear of airplanes... and boats... and trucks... and trains.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: I didn't shoot him. He was my only lead. I'd have to be crazy!
Sheriff John Rollins: Yeah, well, if "I'd have to be crazy" was a valid defense, we could rent our jails out for birthday parties.
Sheriff John Rollins: Yeah, well, if "I'd have to be crazy" was a valid defense, we could rent our jails out for birthday parties.
TV Show: Monk
Judge: Bail is set at $900,000.
[Monk whispers to his lawyer]
Monk's lawyer: Uh... with the Court's permission, could you make it an even million?
Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God!
[Monk whispers to his lawyer]
Monk's lawyer: Uh... with the Court's permission, could you make it an even million?
Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God!
TV Show: Monk
[From a payphone, Monk tells Stottlemeyer about how Rollins set him up]
Adrian Monk: He broke into my house before the shooting...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And raided your refrigerator?
Adrian Monk: He broke into my house before the shooting...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And raided your refrigerator?
TV Show: Monk
[An exonerated Monk visits Dale]
Adrian Monk: Hello, Dale.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Adrian Monk. Why am I not surprised?
Adrian Monk: I tried to call, but apparently your phone's been disconnected.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Yes, I should have done it years ago! Fewer distractions.
Adrian Monk: I see they took your bed, and your computer.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: They were cluttering up the room. You know me, Monk: I've always been a simple man of philosophic joys.
Adrian Monk: And they're making you eat in the cafeteria. That can't be good. At least you won't be alone. Your old pal Sheriff Rollins will be joining you. He's talking to the D.A right now, telling him everything - about how he hired Frank Nunn to plant that bomb and then killed Nunn and tried to frame me for it. You might want to save a seat for the Lieutenant Governor as well.
Adrian Monk: Hello, Dale.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Adrian Monk. Why am I not surprised?
Adrian Monk: I tried to call, but apparently your phone's been disconnected.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Yes, I should have done it years ago! Fewer distractions.
Adrian Monk: I see they took your bed, and your computer.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: They were cluttering up the room. You know me, Monk: I've always been a simple man of philosophic joys.
Adrian Monk: And they're making you eat in the cafeteria. That can't be good. At least you won't be alone. Your old pal Sheriff Rollins will be joining you. He's talking to the D.A right now, telling him everything - about how he hired Frank Nunn to plant that bomb and then killed Nunn and tried to frame me for it. You might want to save a seat for the Lieutenant Governor as well.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: [makes a smoothie with a power drill. She puts lots of random items that one would not normally put into a smoothie into the blender. Then, under the excuse that her blender broke, she uses the power drill to blend together the ingredients. When completed, the result is a very repulsive looking liquid. She takes a sip] Just what I needed.
Lt. Randall Disher: [notices oil in the liquid] Is that oil?
Natalie Teeger: That is oil. It's uh, it's from the ground so it's organic, and it just... lubricates your organs. [puts down the glass and picks up the drill] Um, I'll just be washing up. I'll be right back. You can have it.
[She walks into the living room, and picks up Mitch's old uniform before going to the bathroom. Randy looks at the revolting smoothie for a few moments before taking a sip from it. The sound of the shower comes from the bathroom. It is revealed that Natalie is running the shower so as to cover up the sound of her drilling Monk's handcuffs off]
Natalie Teeger: Quiet! He's still in the kitchen. [takes the uniform out of the bag] It's Mitch's uniform. It's all that I had.
Adrian Monk: Oh no. I can't wear that.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he'd want you to.
Adrian Monk: No, it's all dusty.
Natalie Teeger: You were wearing a hobo's trench coat!
Adrian Monk: OK. [He prepares to put on the uniform]
Natalie Teeger: [gives Monk a wad of money] Here. Money.
Adrian Monk: Is this all you had?
Natalie Teeger: It's a week's paycheck! I was supposed to get a 5% increase in January...
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay, okay. We'll talk about that later. [Natalie hands Monk several wads of Kleenex]
Natalie Teeger: Here's some Kleenex. They're anti-vir
Lt. Randall Disher: [notices oil in the liquid] Is that oil?
Natalie Teeger: That is oil. It's uh, it's from the ground so it's organic, and it just... lubricates your organs. [puts down the glass and picks up the drill] Um, I'll just be washing up. I'll be right back. You can have it.
[She walks into the living room, and picks up Mitch's old uniform before going to the bathroom. Randy looks at the revolting smoothie for a few moments before taking a sip from it. The sound of the shower comes from the bathroom. It is revealed that Natalie is running the shower so as to cover up the sound of her drilling Monk's handcuffs off]
Natalie Teeger: Quiet! He's still in the kitchen. [takes the uniform out of the bag] It's Mitch's uniform. It's all that I had.
Adrian Monk: Oh no. I can't wear that.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he'd want you to.
Adrian Monk: No, it's all dusty.
Natalie Teeger: You were wearing a hobo's trench coat!
Adrian Monk: OK. [He prepares to put on the uniform]
Natalie Teeger: [gives Monk a wad of money] Here. Money.
Adrian Monk: Is this all you had?
Natalie Teeger: It's a week's paycheck! I was supposed to get a 5% increase in January...
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay, okay. We'll talk about that later. [Natalie hands Monk several wads of Kleenex]
Natalie Teeger: Here's some Kleenex. They're anti-vir
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: Hey, thanks. Thanks for killing me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, that's what friends are for.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, that's what friends are for.
TV Show: Monk
[Rollins calls Biederbeck as he prepares to follow Natalie]
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Make me happy.
Sheriff John Rollins: She's on the move. Looks like a real road trip. She took her daughter to a neighbor's and packed a suitcase.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Stay-with-her. She'll lead you right to him.
Sheriff John Rollins: What do I do when I find him?
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Do you really have to ask?
Sheriff John Rollins: No, sir. I do not.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Make me happy.
Sheriff John Rollins: She's on the move. Looks like a real road trip. She took her daughter to a neighbor's and packed a suitcase.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Stay-with-her. She'll lead you right to him.
Sheriff John Rollins: What do I do when I find him?
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Do you really have to ask?
Sheriff John Rollins: No, sir. I do not.
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie tracks Monk to the car wash where he is hiding]
Adrian Monk: [trying to hide his face] Hola, senorita.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I know it's you. [she takes out a wipe and runs toward him]
Adrian Monk: What's with the wipe? Why do I need a wipe...?
[she hugs him and smothers his cheeks with kisses, then wipes them down]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, God! Why didn't you tell me?
Adrian Monk: To protect you. We thought Rollins might be watching you.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, that's ridiculous! Why would Rollins...? [Rollins suddenly appears from behind Natalie]
Sheriff John Rollins: Adrian, don't move a muscle! Show me your hands! You too, Ms. Teeger. Oh, you are knee-deep in it now, buddy.
Natalie Teeger: You're the one who's in trouble! We know all about how you framed Mr. Monk and switched the gun barrels! [Monk tries to shush her] If anybody is going to prison, it is you!
Adrian Monk: [dryly] Thanks for stopping by, Natalie.
Sheriff John Rollins: Let me tell you about the real world, Natalie: it's never about what happened. It's always, "can you prove what happened?" [to Monk] All right, Adrian, we've done this before. On the ground, face down.
[Monk starts to lie down, then yells and kicks an oil drum at Rollins. It rolls very *very* slowly, before coming to a stop a few inches short of Rollins's feet]
Sheriff John Rollins: What was that?
Adrian Monk: It was, uh... supposed to... supposed to go faster.
[He shuts off the power and then he and Natalie run]
Adrian Monk: [trying to hide his face] Hola, senorita.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I know it's you. [she takes out a wipe and runs toward him]
Adrian Monk: What's with the wipe? Why do I need a wipe...?
[she hugs him and smothers his cheeks with kisses, then wipes them down]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, God! Why didn't you tell me?
Adrian Monk: To protect you. We thought Rollins might be watching you.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, that's ridiculous! Why would Rollins...? [Rollins suddenly appears from behind Natalie]
Sheriff John Rollins: Adrian, don't move a muscle! Show me your hands! You too, Ms. Teeger. Oh, you are knee-deep in it now, buddy.
Natalie Teeger: You're the one who's in trouble! We know all about how you framed Mr. Monk and switched the gun barrels! [Monk tries to shush her] If anybody is going to prison, it is you!
Adrian Monk: [dryly] Thanks for stopping by, Natalie.
Sheriff John Rollins: Let me tell you about the real world, Natalie: it's never about what happened. It's always, "can you prove what happened?" [to Monk] All right, Adrian, we've done this before. On the ground, face down.
[Monk starts to lie down, then yells and kicks an oil drum at Rollins. It rolls very *very* slowly, before coming to a stop a few inches short of Rollins's feet]
Sheriff John Rollins: What was that?
Adrian Monk: It was, uh... supposed to... supposed to go faster.
[He shuts off the power and then he and Natalie run]
TV Show: Monk
[A mover is packing Monk's belongings up]
Mover: Was he a professor?
Natalie Teeger: No, a detective. An amazing detective. He could look at a room or a person and see things that nobody else could see.
Mover: Like the Car Wash guy.
Natalie Teeger: What "Car Wash guy"?
Mover: That guy in Nevada. I was just reading about him. [stops packing up belongings and picks up a newspaper] Here, in today's paper. They call him the Car Wash Columbo. He solved a big hit-and-run case single-handedly. [pauses] Boy, he sounds like a real character. His boss says that it takes him a whole hour to wipe down every car. He won't even use the same rag twice. [Natalie stops, realizing something]
Natalie Teeger: Can I see that? [she looks at the article] There's no picture.
Mover: I guess he's modest, too.
Natalie Teeger: [reading the article] "Leland Rodriguez". [puts down the paper, angered] His name is Leland?!
Mover: Was he a professor?
Natalie Teeger: No, a detective. An amazing detective. He could look at a room or a person and see things that nobody else could see.
Mover: Like the Car Wash guy.
Natalie Teeger: What "Car Wash guy"?
Mover: That guy in Nevada. I was just reading about him. [stops packing up belongings and picks up a newspaper] Here, in today's paper. They call him the Car Wash Columbo. He solved a big hit-and-run case single-handedly. [pauses] Boy, he sounds like a real character. His boss says that it takes him a whole hour to wipe down every car. He won't even use the same rag twice. [Natalie stops, realizing something]
Natalie Teeger: Can I see that? [she looks at the article] There's no picture.
Mover: I guess he's modest, too.
Natalie Teeger: [reading the article] "Leland Rodriguez". [puts down the paper, angered] His name is Leland?!
TV Show: Monk