Monk Quotes
[Monk is cleaning up as Jake and Ramone continue destroying his house]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Mr. M! Are you ready for some good news? Ramone is getting married! His lady said yes! [to Ramone] Ramone! [Ramone, who is cutting down a wall, gives them a thumbs up]
Natalie Teeger: Wha-what about the house?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: I'm glad you mention that. [back to Ramone] Ramone. Ramone! RAMONE! Sieste! ["Stop!"] We found some mold.
Adrian Monk: Mold?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, it probably started in the bathroom, and spread from there. So what we've gotta do is we've gotta go in, and we've gotta get the mold out.
Adrian Monk: No-no-no-no-no. Please, Honest Jake, I am begging you.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Okay, okay, if you're okay with the spores. The fungus. The bacteria. Spreading, eating your house from the inside-out. It's your house. I guess I'll go put this back.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Mr. M! Are you ready for some good news? Ramone is getting married! His lady said yes! [to Ramone] Ramone! [Ramone, who is cutting down a wall, gives them a thumbs up]
Natalie Teeger: Wha-what about the house?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: I'm glad you mention that. [back to Ramone] Ramone. Ramone! RAMONE! Sieste! ["Stop!"] We found some mold.
Adrian Monk: Mold?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, it probably started in the bathroom, and spread from there. So what we've gotta do is we've gotta go in, and we've gotta get the mold out.
Adrian Monk: No-no-no-no-no. Please, Honest Jake, I am begging you.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Okay, okay, if you're okay with the spores. The fungus. The bacteria. Spreading, eating your house from the inside-out. It's your house. I guess I'll go put this back.
TV Show: Monk
["Honest Jake" is using his incredibly loud jackhammer]
Natalie Teeger: Just remind me, why did you move again? Oh yeah, that's right. The last place was too noisy.
Natalie Teeger: Just remind me, why did you move again? Oh yeah, that's right. The last place was too noisy.
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer and Disher talk to a worker at the Hampton Street Depository]
Mr. Sutton: It was before my time, but my father told me all about it. He was in his office right up there when it happened. 1968, the day before Christmas.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah I was just a kid, but I remember everybody talking about it. Is that the gate?
Mr. Sutton: Yes, sir. Three gunmen- stole a milk truck, rammed it through that gate. They shot two guards and walked away with over $4 million.
Lt. Randall Disher: [to Stottlemeyer] And this was back when $4 million was considered a lot of money.
Mr. Sutton: All I know is, we never recovered a nickel.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until today. [They produce an evidence bag with the recovered money]
Mr. Sutton: From the robbery?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. Serial numbers match; we've got $4,200 there.
Lt. Randall Disher: A woman named Cassie Drake was murdered last night. We found this in her closet.
Mr. Sutton: Where's the rest of it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're working on that. I was rereading the file. They caught two of the three, career bad guys. They died in prison without ever ratting out their partner.
Mr. Sutton: I guess he wasn't a big spender.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Or he was scared and dead.
Mr. Sutton: Dead?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, the woman who died, she was a private nurse. Her last patient was a man named Joseph Moody.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ring a bell?
Mr. Sutton: It was before my time, but my father told me all about it. He was in his office right up there when it happened. 1968, the day before Christmas.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah I was just a kid, but I remember everybody talking about it. Is that the gate?
Mr. Sutton: Yes, sir. Three gunmen- stole a milk truck, rammed it through that gate. They shot two guards and walked away with over $4 million.
Lt. Randall Disher: [to Stottlemeyer] And this was back when $4 million was considered a lot of money.
Mr. Sutton: All I know is, we never recovered a nickel.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until today. [They produce an evidence bag with the recovered money]
Mr. Sutton: From the robbery?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. Serial numbers match; we've got $4,200 there.
Lt. Randall Disher: A woman named Cassie Drake was murdered last night. We found this in her closet.
Mr. Sutton: Where's the rest of it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're working on that. I was rereading the file. They caught two of the three, career bad guys. They died in prison without ever ratting out their partner.
Mr. Sutton: I guess he wasn't a big spender.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Or he was scared and dead.
Mr. Sutton: Dead?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, the woman who died, she was a private nurse. Her last patient was a man named Joseph Moody.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ring a bell?
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie notice the awl on "Honest" Jake's toolbelt, and on close examination, realize that it is the weapon that was used the night before to kill Cassie Drake. They turn around and see Jake and Ramone standing there. Jake is pointing a Glock at them]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Mr. Monk, I've got a confession to make: they really don't call me "Honest Jake".
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Mr. Monk, I've got a confession to make: they really don't call me "Honest Jake".
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie have been shackled by their legs to the claw-footed bathtub, and are trying to undo the restraints]
Natalie Teeger: And then she tells her friend "Not-So-Honest Jake".
Adrian Monk: Yeah, and they were probably more than friends. They were probably sex lovers. [pause] That's what he's been doing here this whole time: looking for the money.
Natalie Teeger: You're not gonna believe this. He's still not the worst contractor I've ever seen.
Natalie Teeger: And then she tells her friend "Not-So-Honest Jake".
Adrian Monk: Yeah, and they were probably more than friends. They were probably sex lovers. [pause] That's what he's been doing here this whole time: looking for the money.
Natalie Teeger: You're not gonna believe this. He's still not the worst contractor I've ever seen.
TV Show: Monk
[first lines]
Adrian Monk: [writing a check] "Payable to... Natalie Teeger."
Natalie Teeger: My four favorite words. [Monk starts to slowly tear the check out of the book. Eventually, he gets it and hands it to Natalie] Thank you.
Adrian Monk: Thank you very much. [Natalie stops]
Natalie Teeger: Um, excuse me? Where's the rest of this? I worked Tuesday night, remember? That was overtime.
Adrian Monk: I thought you were just hanging out.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, I wasn't "hanging out". I spent seven hours reorganizing the utensil drawer. That was a work.
Adrian Monk: But, you said it was fun. I-I distinctly remember. I said, "Isn't this fun?" And you said, "Uh-huh," so...
Natalie Teeger: You mean unless I'm complaining, you're not going to pay me? Is-is that the new rule?!
Adrian Monk: Even if I wanted to. I've already torn it out of the checkbook.
Natalie Teeger: [trying to direct Monk's hand to void her bad check] Yeah, so you just void it out. Wr-write "VOID" right here, then you just write another one.
Adrian Monk: Natalie! I can't do that. If it were up to me...
Natalie Teeger: Of course it's up to you!
Adrian Monk: I need you to use your inside voice.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my god! [yells in frustration] God!
Adrian Monk: I'm a little short on cash right now. But I'm good for it. You know I'm good for it. I'll make up for it. You just keep track...
Natalie Teeger: Yeah I have been keeping track! It's over $1,800, Mr. Monk!
[Linda Kloster enters the room, a finger over her lip]
Linda Kloster: I'm sorry. The door was open. I thought I heard screaming.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, no
Adrian Monk: [writing a check] "Payable to... Natalie Teeger."
Natalie Teeger: My four favorite words. [Monk starts to slowly tear the check out of the book. Eventually, he gets it and hands it to Natalie] Thank you.
Adrian Monk: Thank you very much. [Natalie stops]
Natalie Teeger: Um, excuse me? Where's the rest of this? I worked Tuesday night, remember? That was overtime.
Adrian Monk: I thought you were just hanging out.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, I wasn't "hanging out". I spent seven hours reorganizing the utensil drawer. That was a work.
Adrian Monk: But, you said it was fun. I-I distinctly remember. I said, "Isn't this fun?" And you said, "Uh-huh," so...
Natalie Teeger: You mean unless I'm complaining, you're not going to pay me? Is-is that the new rule?!
Adrian Monk: Even if I wanted to. I've already torn it out of the checkbook.
Natalie Teeger: [trying to direct Monk's hand to void her bad check] Yeah, so you just void it out. Wr-write "VOID" right here, then you just write another one.
Adrian Monk: Natalie! I can't do that. If it were up to me...
Natalie Teeger: Of course it's up to you!
Adrian Monk: I need you to use your inside voice.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my god! [yells in frustration] God!
Adrian Monk: I'm a little short on cash right now. But I'm good for it. You know I'm good for it. I'll make up for it. You just keep track...
Natalie Teeger: Yeah I have been keeping track! It's over $1,800, Mr. Monk!
[Linda Kloster enters the room, a finger over her lip]
Linda Kloster: I'm sorry. The door was open. I thought I heard screaming.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, no
TV Show: Monk
[Monk needs to enter the chess tournament to confront Patrick Kloster.]
Julie Teeger: All right, wait here.
[She approaches Eric Tavela and begins talking to him, touching his jacket...]
Adrian Monk: What's she doing?
Natalie Teeger: She's... flirting.
Adrian Monk: Well, she's good at it...
Natalie Teeger: Shut up.
Adrian Monk: She's obviously done it before...
Natalie Teeger: Okay.
Julie Teeger: All right, wait here.
[She approaches Eric Tavela and begins talking to him, touching his jacket...]
Adrian Monk: What's she doing?
Natalie Teeger: She's... flirting.
Adrian Monk: Well, she's good at it...
Natalie Teeger: Shut up.
Adrian Monk: She's obviously done it before...
Natalie Teeger: Okay.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie have parked outside Patrick Kloster's house, and they are reading his books]
Natalie Teeger: "In chess, as in life, creative strategies, executed with daring and precision, will allow you to overwhelm your opponent, and achieve your goal." The end, and may I say, "Thank god." [She closes the book and Monk hands her the next one]
Adrian Monk: Keep going. Here's the next one.
Natalie Teeger: Oh Mr. Monk, come on, we've been reading his books all day! What good are they doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm getting into his head. He's in my head. I have to be in his head. So we're... in each other's heads. [Natalie sighs and opens the next book]
Natalie Teeger: "Chess Domination, by Patrick Kloster." Well this will be the opposite of fun. [flips to the dedication] "For my queen, Tatianna."
Adrian Monk: You don't have to read the dedication. [Flipping another page, Natalie finds Linda Kloster's check]
Natalie Teeger: Okay. Sorry. What's this? Linda Kloster's check. You didn't deposit this?
Adrian Monk: I'll never deposit it.
Natalie Teeger: But Mr. Monk, she wanted you to cash it. Mr. Monk, if you deposit this check, you can pay your staff, and when I say "staff," I mean me. [holds the check up]
[long pause]
Adrian Monk: She came to me. I didn't protect her.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you did everything you could.
Adrian Monk: What about the promise I made to her about not letting him get away with it?
Natalie Teeger: You made a promise to me, too.
Adrian Monk: [points to the car mirror, in which he sees Patrick Kloster approaching] Shhh, there he is. [Monk starts to buckle his seatbelt]
Natalie Teeger: What?
Natalie Teeger: "In chess, as in life, creative strategies, executed with daring and precision, will allow you to overwhelm your opponent, and achieve your goal." The end, and may I say, "Thank god." [She closes the book and Monk hands her the next one]
Adrian Monk: Keep going. Here's the next one.
Natalie Teeger: Oh Mr. Monk, come on, we've been reading his books all day! What good are they doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm getting into his head. He's in my head. I have to be in his head. So we're... in each other's heads. [Natalie sighs and opens the next book]
Natalie Teeger: "Chess Domination, by Patrick Kloster." Well this will be the opposite of fun. [flips to the dedication] "For my queen, Tatianna."
Adrian Monk: You don't have to read the dedication. [Flipping another page, Natalie finds Linda Kloster's check]
Natalie Teeger: Okay. Sorry. What's this? Linda Kloster's check. You didn't deposit this?
Adrian Monk: I'll never deposit it.
Natalie Teeger: But Mr. Monk, she wanted you to cash it. Mr. Monk, if you deposit this check, you can pay your staff, and when I say "staff," I mean me. [holds the check up]
[long pause]
Adrian Monk: She came to me. I didn't protect her.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you did everything you could.
Adrian Monk: What about the promise I made to her about not letting him get away with it?
Natalie Teeger: You made a promise to me, too.
Adrian Monk: [points to the car mirror, in which he sees Patrick Kloster approaching] Shhh, there he is. [Monk starts to buckle his seatbelt]
Natalie Teeger: What?
TV Show: Monk
[while Monk and Natalie are on their little stakeout, Patrick Kloster comes by and offers them water and lemonade, respectively]
Natalie Teeger: You have to admit, he's real good. [takes a sip from her lemonade] What? He was right. I am thirsty. [Monk is looking at her oddly] What?
Adrian Monk: How do you feel?
Natalie Teeger: Uhhh, I feel fine. [Monk is still looking at her oddly. She takes another sip] What?
Adrian Monk: It just occurred to me: if there's poison in the lemonade, we could go to the DA and we'd have all the evidence we need. [Natalie promptly spits out her lemonade]
Natalie Teeger: It just occurred to you?! And you didn't say anything?! My gosh, Mr. Monk, I've never seen you like this! [She dumps the rest of her cup onto the pavement]
Adrian Monk: How do you feel now?
Natalie Teeger: You know I hate to disappoint you, but I feel fine!
Adrian Monk: [offers his bottle of Summit Creek water] Try the water.
Natalie Teeger: Okay that's it. We're going home. [She starts the car and they start to drive away]
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait. Stop the car.
[starts opening his door]
Natalie Teeger: Wait! What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Just stop the car!
[Natalie finally stops, and Monk starts walking towards Patrick's house]
Natalie Teeger: Where are you going?
Adrian Monk: His garden.
Natalie Teeger: His garden?!
Natalie Teeger: You have to admit, he's real good. [takes a sip from her lemonade] What? He was right. I am thirsty. [Monk is looking at her oddly] What?
Adrian Monk: How do you feel?
Natalie Teeger: Uhhh, I feel fine. [Monk is still looking at her oddly. She takes another sip] What?
Adrian Monk: It just occurred to me: if there's poison in the lemonade, we could go to the DA and we'd have all the evidence we need. [Natalie promptly spits out her lemonade]
Natalie Teeger: It just occurred to you?! And you didn't say anything?! My gosh, Mr. Monk, I've never seen you like this! [She dumps the rest of her cup onto the pavement]
Adrian Monk: How do you feel now?
Natalie Teeger: You know I hate to disappoint you, but I feel fine!
Adrian Monk: [offers his bottle of Summit Creek water] Try the water.
Natalie Teeger: Okay that's it. We're going home. [She starts the car and they start to drive away]
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait. Stop the car.
[starts opening his door]
Natalie Teeger: Wait! What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Just stop the car!
[Natalie finally stops, and Monk starts walking towards Patrick's house]
Natalie Teeger: Where are you going?
Adrian Monk: His garden.
Natalie Teeger: His garden?!
TV Show: Monk
Trudy Monk: [on a farewell message] If anything happens to me, Adrian, I just want you to know: you are not just the love of my life. You are my life.
TV Show: Monk
Judge Ethan Rickover: You're going to kill a federal judge?
Monk: Tonight, I'm the judge.
Monk: Tonight, I'm the judge.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie: [to Monk] Trudy sent you a gift. She sent you someone to love. It's what you've been missing.
TV Show: Monk
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Kevin, it's a restraining order! You issue 30 of them a day! No he hasn't hit her! [pause] Yes, she's still in the house. [pause] Because Adrian Monk told me, that's how I'm sure. [pause] Fine, good. You sleep on it! [slams the phone down]
Adrian Monk: How did that go?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to a detective in the room] Look, forget about him. Just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.
Natalie Teeger: What? You can't arrest him for anything?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies. [Disher walks in]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, we just got a call. You'd better put down the cup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Just tell me who called, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Just put the cup down or finish it or drink half of it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why?
Lt. Randall Disher: Because you're probably gonna drop it and I'll have to clean it up... Just have a sip. How 'bout a sip? [Stottlemeyer puts his coffee cup down on the desk] Linda Kloster's dead. Her housekeeper just found her. [Stottlemeyer promptly throws his coffee cup at the window, shattering it]
Natalie Teeger: What happened?
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know. [Monk starts to head towards the door]
Adrian Monk: Let's go.
Natalie Teeger: Wait, Mr. Monk-
Adrian Monk: Let's go! We've gotta get over there!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let's go, Randy.
Adrian Monk: How did that go?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to a detective in the room] Look, forget about him. Just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.
Natalie Teeger: What? You can't arrest him for anything?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies. [Disher walks in]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, we just got a call. You'd better put down the cup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Just tell me who called, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Just put the cup down or finish it or drink half of it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why?
Lt. Randall Disher: Because you're probably gonna drop it and I'll have to clean it up... Just have a sip. How 'bout a sip? [Stottlemeyer puts his coffee cup down on the desk] Linda Kloster's dead. Her housekeeper just found her. [Stottlemeyer promptly throws his coffee cup at the window, shattering it]
Natalie Teeger: What happened?
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know. [Monk starts to head towards the door]
Adrian Monk: Let's go.
Natalie Teeger: Wait, Mr. Monk-
Adrian Monk: Let's go! We've gotta get over there!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let's go, Randy.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at the crime scene]
First Detective: Hey, the cavalry is here.
Adrian Monk: Can I have the room, please?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You heard the man. He wants the room. [The cops and detectives file out of Linda Kloster's bedroom, leaving the four alone] Thank you very much. [Monk looks around, examining the body. Natalie walks over to him]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk...
Adrian Monk: Not now.
Natalie Teeger: You can't blame yourself.
Adrian Monk: Yes I can. [He stops after looking around for what seem like a few more minutes. He is baffled] What did the paramedics say?
Lt. Randall Disher: Probable heart attack.
Adrian Monk: He killed her. He said he would kill her... and he did it.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. There was no alarm. No one in the house; just the housekeeper and the cook. No signs of trauma or suffocation. [Monk is crouching by the body]
Adrian Monk: Poison.
Lt. Randall Disher: No, the housekeeper said she hadn't eaten all day: breakfast, lunch...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So how did he do it?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. [He turns, semi-addressing the body] I don't know.
First Detective: Hey, the cavalry is here.
Adrian Monk: Can I have the room, please?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You heard the man. He wants the room. [The cops and detectives file out of Linda Kloster's bedroom, leaving the four alone] Thank you very much. [Monk looks around, examining the body. Natalie walks over to him]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk...
Adrian Monk: Not now.
Natalie Teeger: You can't blame yourself.
Adrian Monk: Yes I can. [He stops after looking around for what seem like a few more minutes. He is baffled] What did the paramedics say?
Lt. Randall Disher: Probable heart attack.
Adrian Monk: He killed her. He said he would kill her... and he did it.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. There was no alarm. No one in the house; just the housekeeper and the cook. No signs of trauma or suffocation. [Monk is crouching by the body]
Adrian Monk: Poison.
Lt. Randall Disher: No, the housekeeper said she hadn't eaten all day: breakfast, lunch...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So how did he do it?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. [He turns, semi-addressing the body] I don't know.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher question Patrick Kloster at the airport security office]
Lt. Randall Disher: According to the Vancouver police, they interrupted the match at 1: 21 PM to inform you that your wife had died?
Patrick Kloster: That's right.
Lt. Randall Disher: And they said you kept playing, and that you finished the match.
Patrick Kloster: Of course I did. That's what Linda would have wanted.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.
Patrick Kloster: I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.
Adrian Monk: Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.
Patrick Kloster: Did she?
Adrian Monk: She told me that you'd been planning to kill her.
Patrick Kloster: My wife was an unstable woman.
Adrian Monk: She didn't seem unstable.
Patrick Kloster: I'm sure she was. [turning to Stottlemeyer and Disher] What did the medical examiner say?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Heart attack.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, she didn't look sick to me.
Patrick Kloster: And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger? My wife suffered from high blood pressure, and for most of her life, she was an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. She was also quite depressed.
Lt. Randall Disher: And there was a $10 million life insurance policy.
Patrick Kloster: Well the policy was Linda's idea. I'm insured for the same amount.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?
Patrick Kloster: Not much. More than you, but not much. Although I am an expert on the Poison Pawn.
Lt. Randall Disher: [starts to write in h
Lt. Randall Disher: According to the Vancouver police, they interrupted the match at 1: 21 PM to inform you that your wife had died?
Patrick Kloster: That's right.
Lt. Randall Disher: And they said you kept playing, and that you finished the match.
Patrick Kloster: Of course I did. That's what Linda would have wanted.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.
Patrick Kloster: I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.
Adrian Monk: Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.
Patrick Kloster: Did she?
Adrian Monk: She told me that you'd been planning to kill her.
Patrick Kloster: My wife was an unstable woman.
Adrian Monk: She didn't seem unstable.
Patrick Kloster: I'm sure she was. [turning to Stottlemeyer and Disher] What did the medical examiner say?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Heart attack.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, she didn't look sick to me.
Patrick Kloster: And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger? My wife suffered from high blood pressure, and for most of her life, she was an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. She was also quite depressed.
Lt. Randall Disher: And there was a $10 million life insurance policy.
Patrick Kloster: Well the policy was Linda's idea. I'm insured for the same amount.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?
Patrick Kloster: Not much. More than you, but not much. Although I am an expert on the Poison Pawn.
Lt. Randall Disher: [starts to write in h
TV Show: Monk
[To confront Monk privately, Stottlemeyer claims that there is a crooked sign]
Adrian Monk: How crooked is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh it's very crooked. You're not gonna believe it.
Adrian Monk: Well why do you need me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, because I'm not sure if it is crooked.
Adrian Monk: You just said it's very crooked.
Adrian Monk: How crooked is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh it's very crooked. You're not gonna believe it.
Adrian Monk: Well why do you need me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, because I'm not sure if it is crooked.
Adrian Monk: You just said it's very crooked.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk looks around the crime scene, bothered]
Adrian Monk: There's something wrong here. [He examines the shattered window of Marissa Kessler's car] This is wrong. [He examines the body] This is very wrong. This is very, very-
Lt. Randall Disher: Wrong?
Adrian Monk: This was no random mugging. This was all about her. He was after her.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well he took her purse and some jewelry.
Adrian Monk: No he wanted us to think robbery. She was stabbed six times.
Medical Examiner: That's right. Two in the neck, four in the back.
Adrian Monk: Or... was stabbed three times. Look at the pattern. Two, two, and two. [Stottlemeyer and Disher also crouch to examine the stab marks] Three times, with a pair of scissors.
Medical Examiner: Yes. That's possible.
Adrian Monk: Who brings scissors to a mugging? Scissors say what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Spur of the moment. Not planned.
Adrian Monk: Plus, the mud on her shoes. There's a mud puddle near the exit, but there's a light, right there.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If she was walking she would've seen that.
Adrian Monk: So she was running when she left the building. Whatever happened must have started inside. There was some kind of fight; he grabbed some scissors and chased her out here. [Stottlemeyer turns to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Find me the station manager. I want a list of every employee that was here last night. Make that every employee, period.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes sir. Any idea on a motive?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [drops his arms] I guess you could say there were 12 million people with a motive, myself included. This was the Lotto Girl. She broke
Adrian Monk: There's something wrong here. [He examines the shattered window of Marissa Kessler's car] This is wrong. [He examines the body] This is very wrong. This is very, very-
Lt. Randall Disher: Wrong?
Adrian Monk: This was no random mugging. This was all about her. He was after her.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well he took her purse and some jewelry.
Adrian Monk: No he wanted us to think robbery. She was stabbed six times.
Medical Examiner: That's right. Two in the neck, four in the back.
Adrian Monk: Or... was stabbed three times. Look at the pattern. Two, two, and two. [Stottlemeyer and Disher also crouch to examine the stab marks] Three times, with a pair of scissors.
Medical Examiner: Yes. That's possible.
Adrian Monk: Who brings scissors to a mugging? Scissors say what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Spur of the moment. Not planned.
Adrian Monk: Plus, the mud on her shoes. There's a mud puddle near the exit, but there's a light, right there.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If she was walking she would've seen that.
Adrian Monk: So she was running when she left the building. Whatever happened must have started inside. There was some kind of fight; he grabbed some scissors and chased her out here. [Stottlemeyer turns to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Find me the station manager. I want a list of every employee that was here last night. Make that every employee, period.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes sir. Any idea on a motive?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [drops his arms] I guess you could say there were 12 million people with a motive, myself included. This was the Lotto Girl. She broke
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer notices Randy writing something down in his notebook]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's that? [Randy shows it] "It looks like her number came up."
Lt. Randall Disher: It's a zinger. She's a lotto girl, her number came up. Get it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Lt. Randall Disher: You last year? Sergeant Beecham shoved that junkie into a lamppost and he said "I'll keep you posted?"
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah I heard about that.
Lt. Randall Disher: Everybody heard about it. People were repeating is; it was famous. This is even better. This is a classic.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If you say so.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah I just need to pick the right moment.
[The medical examiner comes over to them]
Medical Examiner: Captain, if you're ready to release the body, I can take her downtown.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK. [starts to sign the paperwork]
Medical Examiner: I still don't get it. Who would want to kill the lotto girl?
Officer Kelton: I guess her number came up!
[Randy throws his notebook at him.]
Officer Kelton: Hey! What are you doing?
Lt. Randall Disher: What are you doing? That was my line, man.
Officer Kelton: What are you talking about?
Lt. Randall Disher I just said the same thing two seconds ago! Ask the Captain!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, this is a crime scene. [Randy steps over Marissa Kessler's body to confront Kelton]
Lt. Randall Disher: You know what, he must have heard me. Look, it's written in my notebook: "It looks like her number came up." Let's see your notebook.
Officer Kelton: Look, I didn't write it down. I just though
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's that? [Randy shows it] "It looks like her number came up."
Lt. Randall Disher: It's a zinger. She's a lotto girl, her number came up. Get it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Lt. Randall Disher: You last year? Sergeant Beecham shoved that junkie into a lamppost and he said "I'll keep you posted?"
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah I heard about that.
Lt. Randall Disher: Everybody heard about it. People were repeating is; it was famous. This is even better. This is a classic.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If you say so.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah I just need to pick the right moment.
[The medical examiner comes over to them]
Medical Examiner: Captain, if you're ready to release the body, I can take her downtown.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK. [starts to sign the paperwork]
Medical Examiner: I still don't get it. Who would want to kill the lotto girl?
Officer Kelton: I guess her number came up!
[Randy throws his notebook at him.]
Officer Kelton: Hey! What are you doing?
Lt. Randall Disher: What are you doing? That was my line, man.
Officer Kelton: What are you talking about?
Lt. Randall Disher I just said the same thing two seconds ago! Ask the Captain!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, this is a crime scene. [Randy steps over Marissa Kessler's body to confront Kelton]
Lt. Randall Disher: You know what, he must have heard me. Look, it's written in my notebook: "It looks like her number came up." Let's see your notebook.
Officer Kelton: Look, I didn't write it down. I just though
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie performs her first lottery drawing]
Billy Logan: Excuse me, new girl. New girl, you're off your mark.
Natalie Teeger: My mark?
Billy Logan: Yeah, the big X on the floor. Look where I'm pointing.
Stage Manager: 90 seconds!
Natalie Teeger: 90 seconds? Wait-wait, I never got a script! Excuse me, I never got a script!
Billy Logan: There is no script. This is the lottery. For the love of God, if there was a script, we'd all be rich. [to himself] Amateurs... [walks away]
[Stan Lawrence approaches Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Stan Lawrence: Captain, Lieutenant. How's the investigation going?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, we're just getting started. We've spoken to the staff, the camera crew; everybody said they left the building after the show.
Stan Lawrence: They usually do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well somebody was here. The girl didn't stab herself.
Stan Lawrence: You wanted to know if Marissa received any fan mail. Some of them are very dicey, you know, personal. I put those on top.
Billy Logan: I need quiet everybody! New girl, you're on, in 5, 4, 3, 2.... [The theme music starts up]
Natalie Teeger: Good evening, people. Welcome to the Big Gold Rush Pick 6. I'm Natalie Teeger. Are you ready to play? [pause. Monk gives her a "get on with it" gesture] Then let's play, the lottery! And the first number is... [long pause. Billy Logan gestures to the button on the drum]
Billy Logan: [whispering] Turn it on. [pause] Turn it on! [Natalie leans over, and presses the power button]
Natalie Teeger: My god! [The numbers are drawn] And the first number is.... 25. My mother's birthday. The next number....
Billy Logan: Excuse me, new girl. New girl, you're off your mark.
Natalie Teeger: My mark?
Billy Logan: Yeah, the big X on the floor. Look where I'm pointing.
Stage Manager: 90 seconds!
Natalie Teeger: 90 seconds? Wait-wait, I never got a script! Excuse me, I never got a script!
Billy Logan: There is no script. This is the lottery. For the love of God, if there was a script, we'd all be rich. [to himself] Amateurs... [walks away]
[Stan Lawrence approaches Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Stan Lawrence: Captain, Lieutenant. How's the investigation going?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, we're just getting started. We've spoken to the staff, the camera crew; everybody said they left the building after the show.
Stan Lawrence: They usually do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well somebody was here. The girl didn't stab herself.
Stan Lawrence: You wanted to know if Marissa received any fan mail. Some of them are very dicey, you know, personal. I put those on top.
Billy Logan: I need quiet everybody! New girl, you're on, in 5, 4, 3, 2.... [The theme music starts up]
Natalie Teeger: Good evening, people. Welcome to the Big Gold Rush Pick 6. I'm Natalie Teeger. Are you ready to play? [pause. Monk gives her a "get on with it" gesture] Then let's play, the lottery! And the first number is... [long pause. Billy Logan gestures to the button on the drum]
Billy Logan: [whispering] Turn it on. [pause] Turn it on! [Natalie leans over, and presses the power button]
Natalie Teeger: My god! [The numbers are drawn] And the first number is.... 25. My mother's birthday. The next number....
TV Show: Monk
Lt. Randall Disher: Where were you a week ago, Monday, sir?
Malcolm O'Dwyer: Uh, a week ago Monday, that would be 4, 7, 23, 35, 44, 53.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, excuse me?
Malcolm O'Dwyer: I was here, like always, watching a drawing. Three prime numbers! I did not see that one coming.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Do you own a pair of scissors, Mr. O'Dwyer?
Malcolm O'Dwyer: Of course I do. Who doesn't?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: May I see them, please? [Malcolm grabs his scissors and hands them to Stottlemeyer] How about some metallic paint?
Malcolm O'Dwyer: Paint?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah a shade called titanium black.
Malcolm O'Dwyer: Do you think I killed Marissa Kessler?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well you do have her picture up all over the wall.
Malcolm O'Dwyer: Uh, a week ago Monday, that would be 4, 7, 23, 35, 44, 53.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, excuse me?
Malcolm O'Dwyer: I was here, like always, watching a drawing. Three prime numbers! I did not see that one coming.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Do you own a pair of scissors, Mr. O'Dwyer?
Malcolm O'Dwyer: Of course I do. Who doesn't?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: May I see them, please? [Malcolm grabs his scissors and hands them to Stottlemeyer] How about some metallic paint?
Malcolm O'Dwyer: Paint?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah a shade called titanium black.
Malcolm O'Dwyer: Do you think I killed Marissa Kessler?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well you do have her picture up all over the wall.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk confides to Dr. Bell that Natalie's position as a lottery hostess is interfering with her other position as his assistant]
Dr. Neven Bell: Natalie's your friend. Maybe you're afraid she doesn't need you any more, maybe you're afraid you're going to lose her.
Adrian Monk: Or maybe I just feel insulted.
Dr. Neven Bell: Insulted?
Adrian Monk: What I do is hard! I am out there, I am sweating out every clue. I am putting killers behind bars. What does she do? What does she do?! [He grabs a calendar off the desk with the date "July 16" on it] 91! Number 91! 91! Number 91! 91! Number 9- I mean, how hard is that? You know a talking monkey could do her job. It's embarrassing.
Dr. Neven Bell: Actually that's a 16. See, you're holding it upside down.
Adrian Monk: [looks at it] Oh, it's confusing. There's usually a little line under the 9.
Dr. Neven Bell: Natalie's your friend. Maybe you're afraid she doesn't need you any more, maybe you're afraid you're going to lose her.
Adrian Monk: Or maybe I just feel insulted.
Dr. Neven Bell: Insulted?
Adrian Monk: What I do is hard! I am out there, I am sweating out every clue. I am putting killers behind bars. What does she do? What does she do?! [He grabs a calendar off the desk with the date "July 16" on it] 91! Number 91! 91! Number 91! 91! Number 9- I mean, how hard is that? You know a talking monkey could do her job. It's embarrassing.
Dr. Neven Bell: Actually that's a 16. See, you're holding it upside down.
Adrian Monk: [looks at it] Oh, it's confusing. There's usually a little line under the 9.
TV Show: Monk
Dr. Neven Bell: But I see your point about the monkey.
Adrian Monk: All I'm trying to say is... it's not the same Natalie. If you knew her you wouldn't know her! Last night after the show, she got somebody fired.
Dr. Neven Bell: Really?
Adrian Monk: One of the crew, sound guy. There were some wires on the floor, and she was just like [snarls with the look of a mad creature] you know, complaining.
Adrian Monk: All I'm trying to say is... it's not the same Natalie. If you knew her you wouldn't know her! Last night after the show, she got somebody fired.
Dr. Neven Bell: Really?
Adrian Monk: One of the crew, sound guy. There were some wires on the floor, and she was just like [snarls with the look of a mad creature] you know, complaining.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are examining Malcolm O'Dwyer's body]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey Monk? Look at this.
Adrian Monk: [walks over] Hello.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's the other lens. [pause] Looks like you were right: nobody jumps after putting in just one contact lens.
Adrian Monk: Do you want to put it in this evidence bag? [He holds up the bag, which has a number 32 on it, and then, in an approximation of Natalie's voice, he says] Bag #32. Hey! 32! Thirty two! 3-2. 32! [Natalie, who is signing autographs, stops signing and walks over to confront Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, are you mocking me?! In public?! I don't make fun of your job!
Adrian Monk: That's because I have a real job. I'm solving a homicide here.
Natalie Teeger: Well, I have a real job too. I am changing peoples' lives. I'm making them rich.
Adrian Monk: [with an authoritative tone] Oh, you are not making them rich! You're not giving them financial advice. You're just reading little numbers off little white ping pong balls! And if it wasn't you, they'd just hire some other bim.
Natalie Teeger: Some other what? "Bim" what?!
Adrian Monk: [mulls it over] Bimportant person.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, do-do you think I'm a bimbo?! Look, I know what I do isn't the most bimportant job on the planet, but what do I do for you?! Hand you wipes all day long? Pick up your laundry? You know people admire me now, and I admit it, I am enjoying the attention! I guess I needed it!
Adrian Monk: Yeah, uh, I'm sorry, but I can't work like this! So you're gonna have to choose.
[He gestures to himself and Stottlemeyer, and then to Natalie's fans over by the police line]
Natalie Teeger: OK, then I guess I qui
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey Monk? Look at this.
Adrian Monk: [walks over] Hello.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's the other lens. [pause] Looks like you were right: nobody jumps after putting in just one contact lens.
Adrian Monk: Do you want to put it in this evidence bag? [He holds up the bag, which has a number 32 on it, and then, in an approximation of Natalie's voice, he says] Bag #32. Hey! 32! Thirty two! 3-2. 32! [Natalie, who is signing autographs, stops signing and walks over to confront Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, are you mocking me?! In public?! I don't make fun of your job!
Adrian Monk: That's because I have a real job. I'm solving a homicide here.
Natalie Teeger: Well, I have a real job too. I am changing peoples' lives. I'm making them rich.
Adrian Monk: [with an authoritative tone] Oh, you are not making them rich! You're not giving them financial advice. You're just reading little numbers off little white ping pong balls! And if it wasn't you, they'd just hire some other bim.
Natalie Teeger: Some other what? "Bim" what?!
Adrian Monk: [mulls it over] Bimportant person.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, do-do you think I'm a bimbo?! Look, I know what I do isn't the most bimportant job on the planet, but what do I do for you?! Hand you wipes all day long? Pick up your laundry? You know people admire me now, and I admit it, I am enjoying the attention! I guess I needed it!
Adrian Monk: Yeah, uh, I'm sorry, but I can't work like this! So you're gonna have to choose.
[He gestures to himself and Stottlemeyer, and then to Natalie's fans over by the police line]
Natalie Teeger: OK, then I guess I qui
TV Show: Monk
[Captain Stottlemeyer looks out the window of the late Malcolm O'Dwyer's apartment, examining the body and the cops around it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What a shame! Just a kid. At least he didn't hit anybody when he jumped.
Adrian Monk: Are we sure he jumped? [Stottlemeyer hands him the "suicide note"] "Tired of losing." Not much of a note.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Brevity, the soul of wit.
Adrian Monk: But he was a writer. Look at all these letters. No, there is something weird about this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, look around you. That note's probably the least weird thing in this apartment. This is the birthplace of weird.
Adrian Monk: But why today? This guy was a lottery nut. Isn't tomorrow night the big jackpot?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, he probably knew he'd never win which makes him a whole lot smarter than me. [Monk picks up a contact lens case, and notices something] What have you got?
Adrian Monk: A contact lens case... with only one lens. [He accidentally gets some contact fluid on his hands] Fluid! It's fluid! I need a wipe. Give me a wipe.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't have a wipe.
Adrian Monk: Ju-just... give me a wipe.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where's Natalie? [cuts to Natalie signing autographs downstairs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What a shame! Just a kid. At least he didn't hit anybody when he jumped.
Adrian Monk: Are we sure he jumped? [Stottlemeyer hands him the "suicide note"] "Tired of losing." Not much of a note.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Brevity, the soul of wit.
Adrian Monk: But he was a writer. Look at all these letters. No, there is something weird about this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, look around you. That note's probably the least weird thing in this apartment. This is the birthplace of weird.
Adrian Monk: But why today? This guy was a lottery nut. Isn't tomorrow night the big jackpot?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, he probably knew he'd never win which makes him a whole lot smarter than me. [Monk picks up a contact lens case, and notices something] What have you got?
Adrian Monk: A contact lens case... with only one lens. [He accidentally gets some contact fluid on his hands] Fluid! It's fluid! I need a wipe. Give me a wipe.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't have a wipe.
Adrian Monk: Ju-just... give me a wipe.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where's Natalie? [cuts to Natalie signing autographs downstairs]
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: [upon noticing a bus with her image on it] I can't believe that is me up there! I can't believe that this is really happening!
Adrian Monk: I can't believe it either. [Natalie steps forward and starts to try to clean a smudge off the cheek on her image on the bus] I hate to bring this up, but we've got work to do. Remember your predecessor Marissa Kessler? Murder victim? Multiple stab wounds? Does that ring a bell? [Natalie steps back]
Natalie Teeger: Sorry, sorry.
[They continue up the street]
Adrian Monk: OK, Randy and the Captain are probably already there. It should be just around the corner. It's uh, number 24.
[Natalie enters lottery mode again]
Natalie Teeger: 24. 24! 24!
Adrian Monk: [agitated] Are you done?! [she stops]
Natalie Teeger: Okay, let's do this. What's the guy's name? No wait, who was he again? Her ex-boyfriend?
Adrian Monk: No! No the ex-boyfriend had an alibi! He checked out! Oh god. That's right, you weren't at the meeting this morning.
Natalie Teeger: But I had to shop for a dress! I can't wear the same thing every show. I had to wear the same blouse three times last week! Three! [stops and enters lottery mode] Three. Three tres. Three...
[Monk taps her on the shoulder]
Adrian Monk: Hello?
Natalie Teeger: Sorry. Just remind me.
Adrian Monk: Okay, his name is Malcolm O'Dwyer. He's some kind of lottery fanatic. He wrote a bunch of fan letters to Marissa before she was killed. [As they approach a corner, a cab stops and the driver says]
Cab Driver: Hey! I'm a big fan!
Adrian Monk: Thank you very much.
Cab Driver: Not you! The lotto girl! "You'll thank me later!"<
Adrian Monk: I can't believe it either. [Natalie steps forward and starts to try to clean a smudge off the cheek on her image on the bus] I hate to bring this up, but we've got work to do. Remember your predecessor Marissa Kessler? Murder victim? Multiple stab wounds? Does that ring a bell? [Natalie steps back]
Natalie Teeger: Sorry, sorry.
[They continue up the street]
Adrian Monk: OK, Randy and the Captain are probably already there. It should be just around the corner. It's uh, number 24.
[Natalie enters lottery mode again]
Natalie Teeger: 24. 24! 24!
Adrian Monk: [agitated] Are you done?! [she stops]
Natalie Teeger: Okay, let's do this. What's the guy's name? No wait, who was he again? Her ex-boyfriend?
Adrian Monk: No! No the ex-boyfriend had an alibi! He checked out! Oh god. That's right, you weren't at the meeting this morning.
Natalie Teeger: But I had to shop for a dress! I can't wear the same thing every show. I had to wear the same blouse three times last week! Three! [stops and enters lottery mode] Three. Three tres. Three...
[Monk taps her on the shoulder]
Adrian Monk: Hello?
Natalie Teeger: Sorry. Just remind me.
Adrian Monk: Okay, his name is Malcolm O'Dwyer. He's some kind of lottery fanatic. He wrote a bunch of fan letters to Marissa before she was killed. [As they approach a corner, a cab stops and the driver says]
Cab Driver: Hey! I'm a big fan!
Adrian Monk: Thank you very much.
Cab Driver: Not you! The lotto girl! "You'll thank me later!"<
TV Show: Monk
[Billy Logan and Eugene Maddox have been arrested for murder]
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm glad you like numbers, Billy. You're going to be wearing some numbers on your shirt.
Billy Logan: Is that right?
Lt. Randall Disher: They won't be lottery numbers.
Billy Logan: I get it.
Lt. Randall Disher: 'Cause you're going to prison.
Billy Logan: I get it.
Lt. Randall Disher: You have the right to remain silent.
Billy Logan: I will if you will.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm glad you like numbers, Billy. You're going to be wearing some numbers on your shirt.
Billy Logan: Is that right?
Lt. Randall Disher: They won't be lottery numbers.
Billy Logan: I get it.
Lt. Randall Disher: 'Cause you're going to prison.
Billy Logan: I get it.
Lt. Randall Disher: You have the right to remain silent.
Billy Logan: I will if you will.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: [accidentally trips over some cables] Excuse me! Do these cables have to be right here?
Billy Logan: Yes they do, because they carry your voice from this microphone to that soundboard.
Natalie Teeger: Well can't you move them somewhere else?! They almost broke my neck.
Billy Logan: Almost doesn't count.
Natalie Teeger: Fine. I'll do it. [She starts to move the cables. Billy comes over]
Billy Logan: What are you doing? Are you mental?! Put it down! Put it down.
Natalie Teeger: I'm taking care of it!
Billy Logan: Let go. [Stan Lawrence comes over]
Stan Lawrence: Billy, what the hell is the matter here?
Natalie Teeger: Stan, I can't work with this guy!
Billy Logan: What, YOU can't work with me?! I've been here for eight years, lady, and you're just another untalented face!
Stan Lawrence: Billy! Calm down!
Natalie Teeger: Untalented, huh? The ratings keep going up every night! How do you explain that?!
Billy Logan: The ratings go up when the jackpot goes up! It has nothing to do with you, you moron.
Stan Lawrence: Billy! I've warned you before about your attitude. That's it. You're out of here. You're fired! Somebody call security! [Natalie turns around]
Natalie Teeger: No-no-no, don't fire him!
Billy Logan: See, look, I'm moving the cable. [Two security guards seize him] Stan, please! Don't do this!
Stan Lawrence: It's too late, Billy.
Billy Logan: I'm sorry! I'm apologizing!
Stan Lawrence: Mr. Logan has been terminated. I don't want him back in the building! You make sure to get his security pass and keys.
Billy Logan: Yes they do, because they carry your voice from this microphone to that soundboard.
Natalie Teeger: Well can't you move them somewhere else?! They almost broke my neck.
Billy Logan: Almost doesn't count.
Natalie Teeger: Fine. I'll do it. [She starts to move the cables. Billy comes over]
Billy Logan: What are you doing? Are you mental?! Put it down! Put it down.
Natalie Teeger: I'm taking care of it!
Billy Logan: Let go. [Stan Lawrence comes over]
Stan Lawrence: Billy, what the hell is the matter here?
Natalie Teeger: Stan, I can't work with this guy!
Billy Logan: What, YOU can't work with me?! I've been here for eight years, lady, and you're just another untalented face!
Stan Lawrence: Billy! Calm down!
Natalie Teeger: Untalented, huh? The ratings keep going up every night! How do you explain that?!
Billy Logan: The ratings go up when the jackpot goes up! It has nothing to do with you, you moron.
Stan Lawrence: Billy! I've warned you before about your attitude. That's it. You're out of here. You're fired! Somebody call security! [Natalie turns around]
Natalie Teeger: No-no-no, don't fire him!
Billy Logan: See, look, I'm moving the cable. [Two security guards seize him] Stan, please! Don't do this!
Stan Lawrence: It's too late, Billy.
Billy Logan: I'm sorry! I'm apologizing!
Stan Lawrence: Mr. Logan has been terminated. I don't want him back in the building! You make sure to get his security pass and keys.
TV Show: Monk
Ray "The Machine" Regis: Adrian Monk, the detective? He's supposed to be the best.
Lt. Randall Disher: The best of the best. Kind of like a superhero.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] He's good, but I wouldn't call him a superhero.
[Monk enters, wearing his purple jogging suit and headband, and stands with his fists on his hips]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I guess I stand corrected.
Lt. Randall Disher: The best of the best. Kind of like a superhero.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] He's good, but I wouldn't call him a superhero.
[Monk enters, wearing his purple jogging suit and headband, and stands with his fists on his hips]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I guess I stand corrected.
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive to question Frankie Marino, head of the Marino crime family]
Captain Stottlemeyer: We're looking for Charles Bach.
Frankie Marino: Bach?
Lt. Randall Disher: The Iceman? He's been on your payroll for ten years?
Frankie Marino: Are you wearing a wire, Lieutenant?
Lt. Randall Disher: No. [To prove that he isn't, he opens his shirt and jacket, then drops his pants]
Frankie Marino: [to Stottlemeyer] What about you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope.
Frankie Marino: Okay, let's talk.
Lt. Randall Disher: Why did I just get undressed?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Randy, everyone in this room is wondering the same thing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We're looking for Charles Bach.
Frankie Marino: Bach?
Lt. Randall Disher: The Iceman? He's been on your payroll for ten years?
Frankie Marino: Are you wearing a wire, Lieutenant?
Lt. Randall Disher: No. [To prove that he isn't, he opens his shirt and jacket, then drops his pants]
Frankie Marino: [to Stottlemeyer] What about you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope.
Frankie Marino: Okay, let's talk.
Lt. Randall Disher: Why did I just get undressed?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Randy, everyone in this room is wondering the same thing.
TV Show: Monk