Monk Quotes
[The police have just arrested Daniel MacGraw for attempted murder to protect his collection of stolen art]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They're authentic. One was stolen nine years ago from a gallery in Madrid, and two are from a museum in Venice.
Adrian Monk: He was worried that someone would see the artwork on TV and recognize it. But he knew that if Ray Regis were dead, they would never run the ad.
Natalie Teeger: So he hired that terrible, terrible man.
[Daniel MacGraw is led past them in handcuffs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, nice collection, Daniel! Too bad none of it's yours!
Lt. Randall Disher: You should have just kept it all in your basement.
Daniel MacGraw: It's fine art, Lieutenant. It's meant to be savored. I never imagined my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So you didn't tell her it was stolen?
Daniel MacGraw: [sarcastic] In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They're authentic. One was stolen nine years ago from a gallery in Madrid, and two are from a museum in Venice.
Adrian Monk: He was worried that someone would see the artwork on TV and recognize it. But he knew that if Ray Regis were dead, they would never run the ad.
Natalie Teeger: So he hired that terrible, terrible man.
[Daniel MacGraw is led past them in handcuffs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, nice collection, Daniel! Too bad none of it's yours!
Lt. Randall Disher: You should have just kept it all in your basement.
Daniel MacGraw: It's fine art, Lieutenant. It's meant to be savored. I never imagined my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So you didn't tell her it was stolen?
Daniel MacGraw: [sarcastic] In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.
TV Show: Monk
Lt. Randall Disher: It's a tough racket. I've done a little boxing myself. Light Middleweight.
Captain Stottlemeyer: When did you box?
Lt. Randall Disher: Remember the benefit for the Police Athlete League? Took Sergeant Mulroney in nine rounds. TKO left uppercut.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Stan Mulroney? He retired 12 years ago. We called him "Pops."
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, that's right. He was older than me. He was experienced. Wiley.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He had a cane.
Lt. Randall Disher: And he used it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: When did you box?
Lt. Randall Disher: Remember the benefit for the Police Athlete League? Took Sergeant Mulroney in nine rounds. TKO left uppercut.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Stan Mulroney? He retired 12 years ago. We called him "Pops."
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, that's right. He was older than me. He was experienced. Wiley.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He had a cane.
Lt. Randall Disher: And he used it.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: Nobody's shaking hands, everybody's saluting! Maybe I should enlist.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, please don't enlist. Don't even joke about it!
Adrian Monk: Why not?
Natalie Teeger: Because I love America.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, please don't enlist. Don't even joke about it!
Adrian Monk: Why not?
Natalie Teeger: Because I love America.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: I'm pretty sure he killed himself.
Natalie Teeger: How do you know?
Adrian Monk: I've been on board for fifteen seconds and I'm suicidal.
Natalie Teeger: How do you know?
Adrian Monk: I've been on board for fifteen seconds and I'm suicidal.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie are trapped in the ballast tank while Commander Whitaker attempts to drown them with a lot of dives]
Adrian Monk: Oh, God! Ocean in my shoes! I've got ocean in my shoes. The Pacific Ocean! Dr. Bell!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's not going to do us any good if we both panic!
Adrian Monk: You're right, let's take it in turns. I'll go first... Oh, God! Natalie!
Natalie Teeger: What?!
Adrian Monk: I've got ocean... in my pants! [The water has gotten to just above Monk's feet]
Adrian Monk: Oh, God! Ocean in my shoes! I've got ocean in my shoes. The Pacific Ocean! Dr. Bell!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's not going to do us any good if we both panic!
Adrian Monk: You're right, let's take it in turns. I'll go first... Oh, God! Natalie!
Natalie Teeger: What?!
Adrian Monk: I've got ocean... in my pants! [The water has gotten to just above Monk's feet]
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I've been on these boats. These boats are so big, they don't even feel like boats. They're like islands. You've been on islands before, right? You like islands. It's like Hawaii. Think of it like that: We're going to Hawaii.
Adrian Monk: I believe you are the Devil.
Adrian Monk: I believe you are the Devil.
TV Show: Monk
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's what we know: we're looking for a woman whose initials are LZ, maybe she's a dancer, she likes to travel or works with people who travel, and she was born between July 23rd and July 31st.
Lt. Randall Disher: [shaking his head] I can't think of anyone...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I thought maybe we'd use the computer for this one, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: [shaking his head] I can't think of anyone...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I thought maybe we'd use the computer for this one, Randy.
TV Show: Monk
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [comes to Leyla's apartment with a search warrant, and upon entering, he notices that Monk is wearing only a bathrobe] Here's something I never thought I'd say out loud: Where are your pants?
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Leyla Zlatavich are at a Zemenian restaurant with hibachi type tables. As the man prepares their dinner in spectacular fashion, he catches a bit of it in his hat]
Adrian Monk: I didn't know there was a recipe with the word "hat" in it.
Adrian Monk: I didn't know there was a recipe with the word "hat" in it.
TV Show: Monk
[Visiting a refugee center, Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher find Leyla Zlatavich]
Adrian Monk: She's beautiful.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, like the Mona Lisa. Only hotter.
Natalie Teeger: Only hotter? You are going to get struck by lightning.
Adrian Monk: She's beautiful.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, like the Mona Lisa. Only hotter.
Natalie Teeger: Only hotter? You are going to get struck by lightning.
TV Show: Monk
[about Monk]
Lt. Randy Disher: Uh, yeah, he has some idiosyncrasies...
James Novak: Like what?
Lt. Disher: Uh, fear of heights, fear of germs, spiders, milk...
Natalie Teeger: [ticking off on her fingers]Crowds, elevators, fire...
Lt. Disher: Rabbits, tunnels, bridges...
Natalie Teeger: Boats...
Lt. Disher: Decaffinated coffee...
Natalie Teeger: Lightning...
Captain Stottlemeyer: The wind, he's afraid of the wind.
Lt. Disher: Egg whites.
Natalie Teeger: Bad.
Lt. Disher: Naked people. That one is way up there. I think it goes naked people, and then death.
Lt. Randy Disher: Uh, yeah, he has some idiosyncrasies...
James Novak: Like what?
Lt. Disher: Uh, fear of heights, fear of germs, spiders, milk...
Natalie Teeger: [ticking off on her fingers]Crowds, elevators, fire...
Lt. Disher: Rabbits, tunnels, bridges...
Natalie Teeger: Boats...
Lt. Disher: Decaffinated coffee...
Natalie Teeger: Lightning...
Captain Stottlemeyer: The wind, he's afraid of the wind.
Lt. Disher: Egg whites.
Natalie Teeger: Bad.
Lt. Disher: Naked people. That one is way up there. I think it goes naked people, and then death.
TV Show: Monk
James Novak: [about Trudy's murder] You didn't leave your house for nearly three years. Your psychiatrist said you'd never work again. Yet here you are, a hundred cases later. What keeps you going?
[long pause]
Monk: I can't die until I know.
[long pause]
Monk: I can't die until I know.
TV Show: Monk
Ralph "Father" Roberts: Do I remember Adrian Monk? That's like asking the Titanic if it remembers the iceberg.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk's friends and relatives describe his reaction to Trudy's murder]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I saw him coming apart, like those rockets that hit the atmosphere at the wrong angle... and there was nothing I could do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I saw him coming apart, like those rockets that hit the atmosphere at the wrong angle... and there was nothing I could do.
TV Show: Monk
[A SWAT team arrives at Douglas Thurman's studio]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Doug Thurman! SFPD! [They break down the door and quickly clear out every room]
Lt. Randall Disher: Clear! [They go into the next room] Clear!
[In the main room, they find an eerie shrine to Cassandre Rank, Barbara McFarland, and Miranda Terhume, Thurman's three victims. Each victim's respective lipstick has been smeared onto their photo]
Lt. Randall Disher: I guess that clinches it. This guy's definitely the Cosmetic Assassin.
First SWAT Officer: The what?
Lt. Randall Disher: Cosmetic Assassin. That's what we're calling him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe you'd like to hear what we're calling you. [leaves the room]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Doug Thurman! SFPD! [They break down the door and quickly clear out every room]
Lt. Randall Disher: Clear! [They go into the next room] Clear!
[In the main room, they find an eerie shrine to Cassandre Rank, Barbara McFarland, and Miranda Terhume, Thurman's three victims. Each victim's respective lipstick has been smeared onto their photo]
Lt. Randall Disher: I guess that clinches it. This guy's definitely the Cosmetic Assassin.
First SWAT Officer: The what?
Lt. Randall Disher: Cosmetic Assassin. That's what we're calling him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe you'd like to hear what we're calling you. [leaves the room]
TV Show: Monk
[James Novak interviews Hal Tucker ("Mr. Monk Makes a Friend"), Jimmy Belmont ("Mr. Monk Visits a Farm"), and Joey Krenshaw ("Mr. Monk and the Daredevil")]
Hal Tucker: Well, killing my girlfriend [Gail Segalis] was the easy part. The hard part was pretending to be Monk's friend for a week.
Jimmy Belmont: You ever hear the man try to tell a joke?
Joey Krenshaw: It's like verbal root canal.
Hal Tucker: Excruciating.
Hal Tucker: Well, killing my girlfriend [Gail Segalis] was the easy part. The hard part was pretending to be Monk's friend for a week.
Jimmy Belmont: You ever hear the man try to tell a joke?
Joey Krenshaw: It's like verbal root canal.
Hal Tucker: Excruciating.
TV Show: Monk
[last lines]
Adrian Monk: [roaming through newspaper headlines] TV writer found dead after contract dispute.
Natalie Teeger: Creepy.
Adrian Monk: [roaming through newspaper headlines] TV writer found dead after contract dispute.
Natalie Teeger: Creepy.
TV Show: Monk
[first lines; Sally Larkin is at a jewelry store trying to sell some of her jewelry]
Mr. Sheckman: [examining one piece] Hmmmm.
Sally Larkin: Whaddaya think?
Mr. Sheckman: It's nice. A little too nice. You sure you don't want to take this to an auction house, maybe Sotheby's?
Sally Larkin: I can't. [smiles] I don't want any publicity.
Mr. Sheckman: Well, we might be able to find a buyer. We'll need some time, though. A week.
[Sally puts the other merchandise back in her bag]
Sally Larkin: A week? OK, I'll call you in a week then. And if you do find a buyer, let them know that I've got some other things that I'm looking to sell. A whole house full, actually. Thank you. [She starts to head for the door, but stops, petrified]
Mrs. Sheckman: You need an umbrella? [Sally doesn't respond] Sweetheart, are you all right?
[After a few moments, Sally turns to them]
Sally Larkin: Yeah, yeah. I thought I saw my husband. I guess I'm just a little jumpy. Thank you again. I'll be in touch. [She heads out]
Mr. Sheckman: [examining one piece] Hmmmm.
Sally Larkin: Whaddaya think?
Mr. Sheckman: It's nice. A little too nice. You sure you don't want to take this to an auction house, maybe Sotheby's?
Sally Larkin: I can't. [smiles] I don't want any publicity.
Mr. Sheckman: Well, we might be able to find a buyer. We'll need some time, though. A week.
[Sally puts the other merchandise back in her bag]
Sally Larkin: A week? OK, I'll call you in a week then. And if you do find a buyer, let them know that I've got some other things that I'm looking to sell. A whole house full, actually. Thank you. [She starts to head for the door, but stops, petrified]
Mrs. Sheckman: You need an umbrella? [Sally doesn't respond] Sweetheart, are you all right?
[After a few moments, Sally turns to them]
Sally Larkin: Yeah, yeah. I thought I saw my husband. I guess I'm just a little jumpy. Thank you again. I'll be in touch. [She heads out]
TV Show: Monk
[Monk visits Dr. Climan for hypnotherapy]
Dr. Lawrence Climan: Leap... and a net will appear.
Adrian Monk: Who's Annette?
Dr. Lawrence Climan: No, a net to catch you. You're safe.
Dr. Lawrence Climan: Leap... and a net will appear.
Adrian Monk: Who's Annette?
Dr. Lawrence Climan: No, a net to catch you. You're safe.
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer calls out instructions to a search party]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, listen up! You know the situation. We've got a missing woman. Her name is Sally Larkin. Her husband is suspect #1. Now Mr. Lar...[Disher swings his jacket and it hits Stottlemeyer on the back] ...kin owns this house right here and these seven acres. And we are going to search that seven acres, thoroughly. Let's go.
[Natalie and a newly hypnotized Monk park on the bridge.]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's pretty high up. You might want to stay in the car.
Adrian Monk: Aw, do I have to?
Natalie Teeger: Uh, no. You're the boss.
Adrian Monk: [getting out of the car and walking over to the bridge railing] It's such a nice day. It would be fun to run around.
Natalie Teeger: You want to run around?
Adrian Monk: Ah! There's the Captain! Come on. [Stottlemeyer is calling out more instructions to the search team]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Terrain's a little rough out there so try to stay in formation! Eyes forward and down!
Lt. Randall Disher: We're looking for anything unusual! Signs of a struggle! Freshly dug dirt! Articles of clothing!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Any questions?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. What if we win?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [confused] What do we win?
Adrian Monk: If we find the body?
Lt. Randall Disher: You don't win anything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, listen up! You know the situation. We've got a missing woman. Her name is Sally Larkin. Her husband is suspect #1. Now Mr. Lar...[Disher swings his jacket and it hits Stottlemeyer on the back] ...kin owns this house right here and these seven acres. And we are going to search that seven acres, thoroughly. Let's go.
[Natalie and a newly hypnotized Monk park on the bridge.]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's pretty high up. You might want to stay in the car.
Adrian Monk: Aw, do I have to?
Natalie Teeger: Uh, no. You're the boss.
Adrian Monk: [getting out of the car and walking over to the bridge railing] It's such a nice day. It would be fun to run around.
Natalie Teeger: You want to run around?
Adrian Monk: Ah! There's the Captain! Come on. [Stottlemeyer is calling out more instructions to the search team]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Terrain's a little rough out there so try to stay in formation! Eyes forward and down!
Lt. Randall Disher: We're looking for anything unusual! Signs of a struggle! Freshly dug dirt! Articles of clothing!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Any questions?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. What if we win?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [confused] What do we win?
Adrian Monk: If we find the body?
Lt. Randall Disher: You don't win anything.
TV Show: Monk
[The main characters are waiting in the foyer of Aaron Larkin's house. Disher passes out pieces of gum]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is this? [turns the wrapper over to read the label] Disher Mint?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I made it myself.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You made the gum?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, from a kit. I got it online. In my basement, I'm experimenting with a bunch of new flavors right now. Guess what this one is.
Natalie Teeger: [making a face] Tar?
Lt. Randall Disher: No. No, it's Diet Blueberry. [Stottlemeyer starts coughing and spits out his gum, which lands on one of the floor vents] Too much citric acid?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh hell! Where'd it go? [He bends down onto the floor to find his runaway gum]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is this? [turns the wrapper over to read the label] Disher Mint?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I made it myself.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You made the gum?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, from a kit. I got it online. In my basement, I'm experimenting with a bunch of new flavors right now. Guess what this one is.
Natalie Teeger: [making a face] Tar?
Lt. Randall Disher: No. No, it's Diet Blueberry. [Stottlemeyer starts coughing and spits out his gum, which lands on one of the floor vents] Too much citric acid?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh hell! Where'd it go? [He bends down onto the floor to find his runaway gum]
TV Show: Monk
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Got five doctors, and they haven't got a clue. They got me on three different medications. I've tried everything. Even this crap. [motions towards a bottle of a health drink]
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. It's some kind of organic hippie concoction from Hell. My aunt sent me a whole carton full of it. [takes a sip out of the bottle, and gags a little bit]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, it tastes like chalk.
Natalie Teeger: What's in it?
Adrian Monk: [reads the label on the bottle] Chalk extract...
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. It's some kind of organic hippie concoction from Hell. My aunt sent me a whole carton full of it. [takes a sip out of the bottle, and gags a little bit]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, it tastes like chalk.
Natalie Teeger: What's in it?
Adrian Monk: [reads the label on the bottle] Chalk extract...
TV Show: Monk
Julie Teeger: So, why do they call you the Professor?
Natalie Teeger: Julie, it's probably because he loves to read and probably because he's curious about the world and other cultures...
The Professor: I eat books.
Natalie Teeger: Oh.
Natalie Teeger: Julie, it's probably because he loves to read and probably because he's curious about the world and other cultures...
The Professor: I eat books.
Natalie Teeger: Oh.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie arrive at the police station and they notice that Randy has grown a mustache]
Natalie Teeger: What is that?
Lt. Randall Disher: What?
Natalie Teeger: On your face. On your lip.
Adrian Monk: It looks a little bit about a mustache.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I'm in charge. It comes with the job. [Monk and Natalie continue to stare at him, dumbstruck] Okay, you're making me a little uncomfortable.
Natalie Teeger: You're making me a little uncomfortable.
Natalie Teeger: What is that?
Lt. Randall Disher: What?
Natalie Teeger: On your face. On your lip.
Adrian Monk: It looks a little bit about a mustache.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I'm in charge. It comes with the job. [Monk and Natalie continue to stare at him, dumbstruck] Okay, you're making me a little uncomfortable.
Natalie Teeger: You're making me a little uncomfortable.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk has caught an escaped convict hiding in his apartment. Unable to get his pistol lockbox open in time, he just hits the convict over the head with it, and grabs the phone with his other hand.]
Adrian Monk: Don't move! There's a gun in here! Take my word for it.
"Joe Endicott": Adrian, wait! Who are you calling?
Adrian Monk: Who do you think?
"Joe Endicott": No, wait! You don't want to do that!
Adrian Monk: I don't, huh?
"Joe Endicott": No, come on! Put the phone down, and-and the "gun"!
Adrian Monk: Give me one good reason.
Jack Monk, Jr.: I'M YOUR BROTHER!
Adrian Monk: Don't move! There's a gun in here! Take my word for it.
"Joe Endicott": Adrian, wait! Who are you calling?
Adrian Monk: Who do you think?
"Joe Endicott": No, wait! You don't want to do that!
Adrian Monk: I don't, huh?
"Joe Endicott": No, come on! Put the phone down, and-and the "gun"!
Adrian Monk: Give me one good reason.
Jack Monk, Jr.: I'M YOUR BROTHER!
TV Show: Monk
Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you crying?
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah, a little. I mean, how would you feel if your pen pal thought you were a prowler?
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah, a little. I mean, how would you feel if your pen pal thought you were a prowler?
TV Show: Monk