Monk Quotes
[Monk is looking for some evidence in a hardware store.]
Monk: It's a small pebble. It's about the size... of a... small pebble.
Monk: It's a small pebble. It's about the size... of a... small pebble.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk finds the crucial piece of evidence lodged in his hair after Sharona has been rooting around in a dumpster for it.]
Monk: Oh, wait. I found it.
Sharona: Where was it?!
Monk: It was in my... it must have flown up and got caught in my...
Sharona: [hits the side of the dumpster]GO-OD! I can't believe I listened to you! You're driving me nuts!
Monk: Oh, wait. I found it.
Sharona: Where was it?!
Monk: It was in my... it must have flown up and got caught in my...
Sharona: [hits the side of the dumpster]GO-OD! I can't believe I listened to you! You're driving me nuts!
TV Show: Monk
Monk: You gotta be a little skeptical, Sharona. Otherwise you end up believing in everything — UFOs, elves, income tax rebates...
TV Show: Monk
[Dale is on the phone with someone]
Man on phone: I’m sorry, Mr. Biederbeck, that’s out of the question.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Hold on. Hold on. Now is it Danny or Daniel?
Man on phone: Danny, sir.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Fine, Danny. If you screw with me. I’ll eat your heart on a stick. Now the SEC—
Man on phone: My boss is busy right now, sir.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I know your boss is busy, Danny! I’m watching him. Tell him Dale Biederbeck wants an answer now, not later. Now! Is he in or out? If he’s in, tell him to... clean his glasses. [At a conference on the TV, an aide whispers to a congressman and the congressman quickly removes his glasses and cleans them] Congratulate the congressman, he’s just been reelected to a fifth term. [He chuckles, turns off his phone and reaches for a plate of corndogs] Oh, it’s better than the Home Shopping Network. [Dr. Vezza takes the plate away from him]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I’m not finished!
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: This stuff will kill you.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I’m not gonna die. You won’t let me, will you, Doctor?
Man on phone: I’m sorry, Mr. Biederbeck, that’s out of the question.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Hold on. Hold on. Now is it Danny or Daniel?
Man on phone: Danny, sir.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Fine, Danny. If you screw with me. I’ll eat your heart on a stick. Now the SEC—
Man on phone: My boss is busy right now, sir.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I know your boss is busy, Danny! I’m watching him. Tell him Dale Biederbeck wants an answer now, not later. Now! Is he in or out? If he’s in, tell him to... clean his glasses. [At a conference on the TV, an aide whispers to a congressman and the congressman quickly removes his glasses and cleans them] Congratulate the congressman, he’s just been reelected to a fifth term. [He chuckles, turns off his phone and reaches for a plate of corndogs] Oh, it’s better than the Home Shopping Network. [Dr. Vezza takes the plate away from him]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I’m not finished!
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: This stuff will kill you.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I’m not gonna die. You won’t let me, will you, Doctor?
TV Show: Monk
Monk: Go to hell.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicap accessible.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicap accessible.
TV Show: Monk
[Late at night, Stottlemeyer and Disher brainstorm on how the immobile Biederbeck could have killed the judge.]
Lt. Disher: What time is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: [checks his watch] No, don’t ask. [Randy looks at his watch and both policemen sigh.] Whew.
Lt. Disher: Oh— [sniffs] Okay. Okay. Okay. Maybe we’re looking at this all wrong. Maybe he killed her in his apartment, and then he somehow moved the body back to her house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. What about the 911 call? She made it from the house.
Lt. Disher: What about liposuction?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Lt. Disher: Liposuction, yeah! He... he lipo'd himself down to like, uh... I don't know, like 400 pounds. Down the elevator, across town... killed the judge.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, how did he gain all the weight back?
[Long pause]
Lt. Disher: Reverse liposuction.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lt. Disher: Yeah, he just pumped it all back in.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think that’s possible?
Lt. Disher: I don’t know. Should I call a doctor?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. [chuckles] Let’s keep our reverse liposuction theory to ourselves. Okay, Randy?
Lt. Disher: What time is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: [checks his watch] No, don’t ask. [Randy looks at his watch and both policemen sigh.] Whew.
Lt. Disher: Oh— [sniffs] Okay. Okay. Okay. Maybe we’re looking at this all wrong. Maybe he killed her in his apartment, and then he somehow moved the body back to her house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. What about the 911 call? She made it from the house.
Lt. Disher: What about liposuction?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Lt. Disher: Liposuction, yeah! He... he lipo'd himself down to like, uh... I don't know, like 400 pounds. Down the elevator, across town... killed the judge.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, how did he gain all the weight back?
[Long pause]
Lt. Disher: Reverse liposuction.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lt. Disher: Yeah, he just pumped it all back in.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think that’s possible?
Lt. Disher: I don’t know. Should I call a doctor?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. [chuckles] Let’s keep our reverse liposuction theory to ourselves. Okay, Randy?
TV Show: Monk
[Capt. Stottlemeyer leads star witness Vezza from Biederbeck's bedroom. Biederbeck yells after him.]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: There's not a prison in the country that can hold me!
Monk: There are very few shopping malls that can hold you. But, nonetheless, we're gonna give it a try.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: There's not a prison in the country that can hold me!
Monk: There are very few shopping malls that can hold you. But, nonetheless, we're gonna give it a try.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Sharona are walking down a pier.]
Sharona: Adrian, can I ask you something? If it's none of my buisness, I promise I'll shut up.
Monk: I doubt it.
[They smile and there is a pause as they keep walking.]
Sharona: What did Trudy mean by "bread and butter"?
Monk: Whenever Trudy and I were walking somewhere, we would hold hands, and if there was a lamp post or somebody walked between us and we had to let go for a second, she'd always say "bread and butter".
Sharona: So when she died...
Monk: Yeah, I think it was a message for me. She was saying, "I have to let go now for a little while, but it won't be forever."
[She takes his arm in hers and they continue walking.]
Sharona: Adrian, can I ask you something? If it's none of my buisness, I promise I'll shut up.
Monk: I doubt it.
[They smile and there is a pause as they keep walking.]
Sharona: What did Trudy mean by "bread and butter"?
Monk: Whenever Trudy and I were walking somewhere, we would hold hands, and if there was a lamp post or somebody walked between us and we had to let go for a second, she'd always say "bread and butter".
Sharona: So when she died...
Monk: Yeah, I think it was a message for me. She was saying, "I have to let go now for a little while, but it won't be forever."
[She takes his arm in hers and they continue walking.]
TV Show: Monk
[After Monk breaks her car's headlight while driving, Sharona stops him from getting back behind the wheel.]
Sharona: I'm driving. When Hell freezes over, you can drive again. No — you know what? Even if Hell freezes over, I'm still driving, because I don't want you driving on the ice! Get in the car!
Sharona: I'm driving. When Hell freezes over, you can drive again. No — you know what? Even if Hell freezes over, I'm still driving, because I don't want you driving on the ice! Get in the car!
TV Show: Monk
[Captain Stottlemeyer comes out of the hearing, having failed to support Monk's reinstatement.]
Sharona Fleming: You son of a bitch.
Adrian Monk: I thought you were gonna do the right thing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think I did do the right thing.
Sharona Fleming: He saves your ass all the time, and he never asks for anything in return. He closes case after case, and then he goes home and watches you on the news taking all the credit!
Captain Stottlemeyer: I wanted to recommend you, I tried to recommend you, but I just couldn't do it. Adrian, you are not ready to carry a gun. You're not ready to have other cops depend on you under fire. In your heart, you know you're not ready. [Monk walks off]
Sharona Fleming: At least your friend Adam Kirk has the decency to stab people in the front.
Sharona Fleming: You son of a bitch.
Adrian Monk: I thought you were gonna do the right thing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think I did do the right thing.
Sharona Fleming: He saves your ass all the time, and he never asks for anything in return. He closes case after case, and then he goes home and watches you on the news taking all the credit!
Captain Stottlemeyer: I wanted to recommend you, I tried to recommend you, but I just couldn't do it. Adrian, you are not ready to carry a gun. You're not ready to have other cops depend on you under fire. In your heart, you know you're not ready. [Monk walks off]
Sharona Fleming: At least your friend Adam Kirk has the decency to stab people in the front.
TV Show: Monk
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy, did I ever tell you about Monk's first day as a detective?
Lt. Disher: No, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Take a seat. [Randy does] He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.
Lt. Disher: Was he, uh...? [motions to his head]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: No, no. He was... a little wound. He used to clean the windshield and rearrange the glovebox before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body at a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine - you know, the big sleeping pills?
Lt. Disher: Horse tranquilizers, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I said suicide. Every cop on the scene said suicide. Medical examiner said suicide. Monk walks in, says murder. "Where's the water?" The room had no water! Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.
Lt. Disher: Well, I'm sure you would have seen it eventually, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Don't kid yourself. There is only one Adrian Monk.
Lt. Disher: No, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Take a seat. [Randy does] He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.
Lt. Disher: Was he, uh...? [motions to his head]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: No, no. He was... a little wound. He used to clean the windshield and rearrange the glovebox before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body at a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine - you know, the big sleeping pills?
Lt. Disher: Horse tranquilizers, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I said suicide. Every cop on the scene said suicide. Medical examiner said suicide. Monk walks in, says murder. "Where's the water?" The room had no water! Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.
Lt. Disher: Well, I'm sure you would have seen it eventually, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Don't kid yourself. There is only one Adrian Monk.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and the other patients are painting their self-portraits]
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Now remember, this is supposed to be a self portrait. How do you feel about yourself? Look deep inside. There's no right or wrong. [looks over one patient's work] Very good. I love those eyes.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, Doctor. Is there a sink nearby?
[Jane Gordon sighs]
Adrian Monk: I-I-I need to wash up.
Jane Gordon: Will you shut him up! He has been whining since he walked in here. It's too hot. It's too cold. I have charcoal on my hands!
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Jane, what did we talk about yesterday?
Jane Gordon: [takes a breath] Controlling the urge to lash out.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Do you have something you wanna say to Mr. Monk?
Jane Gordon: [sighs] Sorry.
Adrian Monk: That's okay. I do have a little charcoal on my hands.
Manny: Dr. Lancaster, guess what I'm painting!
Everyone: Santa Claus!
Dr. Morris Lancaster: All right, all right. [He looks at Manny's work] Huh. Well, you know this is supposed to be a self-portrait. [We see that Manny has painted a HUGE Santa Claus, with a tiny boy at his feet]
Manny: [points to the little boy] That's me.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Hmm. Why are you so small?
Manny: Everybody's small compared to Santa. [Janie turns to Monk]
Jane Gordon: He actually sits up every night and waits for him.
Manny: I have a feeling he's on his way. It's definitely getting colder outside.
Jane Gordon: It's August, whackjob!
Dr. Morris Lancaster: It's all right. Back to work. Come on. Come on. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Now remember, this is supposed to be a self portrait. How do you feel about yourself? Look deep inside. There's no right or wrong. [looks over one patient's work] Very good. I love those eyes.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, Doctor. Is there a sink nearby?
[Jane Gordon sighs]
Adrian Monk: I-I-I need to wash up.
Jane Gordon: Will you shut him up! He has been whining since he walked in here. It's too hot. It's too cold. I have charcoal on my hands!
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Jane, what did we talk about yesterday?
Jane Gordon: [takes a breath] Controlling the urge to lash out.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Do you have something you wanna say to Mr. Monk?
Jane Gordon: [sighs] Sorry.
Adrian Monk: That's okay. I do have a little charcoal on my hands.
Manny: Dr. Lancaster, guess what I'm painting!
Everyone: Santa Claus!
Dr. Morris Lancaster: All right, all right. [He looks at Manny's work] Huh. Well, you know this is supposed to be a self-portrait. [We see that Manny has painted a HUGE Santa Claus, with a tiny boy at his feet]
Manny: [points to the little boy] That's me.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Hmm. Why are you so small?
Manny: Everybody's small compared to Santa. [Janie turns to Monk]
Jane Gordon: He actually sits up every night and waits for him.
Manny: I have a feeling he's on his way. It's definitely getting colder outside.
Jane Gordon: It's August, whackjob!
Dr. Morris Lancaster: It's all right. Back to work. Come on. Come on. Go ahead. Go ahead.
TV Show: Monk
[Dr. Lancaster tells Sharona about how Monk's condition has "deteriorated"]
Dr. Morris Lancaster: If anything, his behavior has deteriorated. We may have to keep him here longer than we thought.
Sharona Fleming: Well, how much longer?
Dr. Morris Lancaster: That's hard to say. It could be a month.
Sharona Fleming: A month? [They examine Monk, standing out in the garden]
Dr. Morris Lancaster: It could be as long as a year. Adrian is bipolar. He's delusional and he's paranoid. He sees murder mysteries everywhere he turns. In fact, he's befriended another patient, and the two of them are trying to prove that Santa Claus really does exist.
Sharona Fleming: Santa Claus?
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Mm-hmm. They went out on the roof collecting evidence. It would be funny if it wasn't so... dysfunctional. [Dr. Lancaster and Sharona meet Monk] Adrian, look who's here.
Sharona Fleming: Hey, boss. How you feelin'?
Adrian Monk: Ah, I feel good. I can't-I can't wait to go home.
Sharona Fleming: Well, we were just talking about that.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Adrian, would you mind if I showed your friend some of the artwork that you made yesterday? [He shows some artwork] Oh, here it is. Wait a minute. [shows them a disturbed image of Trudy's grave]
Adrian Monk: Did I draw that?
Dr. Morris Lancaster: You don't remember? Isn't that Trudy's grave?
Sharona Fleming: Um, Dr. Lancaster said that you saw Santa Claus.
Adrian Monk: [scoffs] No, we didn't actually see him. Manny took a picture, but he lost the camera. But we found a piece of a red suit.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: We'd love to see it, Adrian.
[Monk looks through his pockets for the piece of
Dr. Morris Lancaster: If anything, his behavior has deteriorated. We may have to keep him here longer than we thought.
Sharona Fleming: Well, how much longer?
Dr. Morris Lancaster: That's hard to say. It could be a month.
Sharona Fleming: A month? [They examine Monk, standing out in the garden]
Dr. Morris Lancaster: It could be as long as a year. Adrian is bipolar. He's delusional and he's paranoid. He sees murder mysteries everywhere he turns. In fact, he's befriended another patient, and the two of them are trying to prove that Santa Claus really does exist.
Sharona Fleming: Santa Claus?
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Mm-hmm. They went out on the roof collecting evidence. It would be funny if it wasn't so... dysfunctional. [Dr. Lancaster and Sharona meet Monk] Adrian, look who's here.
Sharona Fleming: Hey, boss. How you feelin'?
Adrian Monk: Ah, I feel good. I can't-I can't wait to go home.
Sharona Fleming: Well, we were just talking about that.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Adrian, would you mind if I showed your friend some of the artwork that you made yesterday? [He shows some artwork] Oh, here it is. Wait a minute. [shows them a disturbed image of Trudy's grave]
Adrian Monk: Did I draw that?
Dr. Morris Lancaster: You don't remember? Isn't that Trudy's grave?
Sharona Fleming: Um, Dr. Lancaster said that you saw Santa Claus.
Adrian Monk: [scoffs] No, we didn't actually see him. Manny took a picture, but he lost the camera. But we found a piece of a red suit.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: We'd love to see it, Adrian.
[Monk looks through his pockets for the piece of
TV Show: Monk
[Sharona waits impatiently for her paycheck, but Monk doesn't think the case is solved yet.]
Sharona: Adrian, I'm giving you until 3.
[Monk looks at his watch.]
Sharona: No, not 3 o'clock. I'm counting to three.
Sharona: Adrian, I'm giving you until 3.
[Monk looks at his watch.]
Sharona: No, not 3 o'clock. I'm counting to three.
TV Show: Monk
[Disher comes into Stottlemeyer's office]
Lt. Disher: Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You just missed the deputy commissioner. Guess what he wanted to talk about? Murder rates spiking? The Sidney Teal investigation? No. All he wanted to know was what we’re doing about the runaway cop.
Lt. Disher: Fraidy Cop. [drops a newspaper on Stottlemeyer's desk, with the headline "Who Is Fraidy Cop?"]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me?
Lt. Disher: That’s what they’re calling him. We, uh, sort of pieced together the route he took. [He walks over to a blown up map. He sighs.] I don't know. Okay. [He pulls out a few pushpins]
Lt. Disher: After the shooting, three people saw him running west towards the park here, and on 19th, here, [puts a pushpin into an intersection on the map] he flagged down a taxi.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He took a taxi?
Lt. Disher: Yeah, it gets worse. He, uh, threw up in the backseat. But we did get his blood type from the vomit. The taxi then, uh, dropped him off at a bar upon Geary Street... [puts another pushpin on the map] ...there, where he sat in a booth at the back, apparently drinking bourbon and crying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He was crying? Oh, dear Lord.
Lt. Disher: About midnight, an older woman in a brown station wagon was seen picking him up. Possibly his mother.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He called his mom?
Lt. Disher: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that son of a bitch better hope I don’t find him first. [He looks at the cartographic sketch of Fraidy Cop]
Lt. Disher: Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You just missed the deputy commissioner. Guess what he wanted to talk about? Murder rates spiking? The Sidney Teal investigation? No. All he wanted to know was what we’re doing about the runaway cop.
Lt. Disher: Fraidy Cop. [drops a newspaper on Stottlemeyer's desk, with the headline "Who Is Fraidy Cop?"]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me?
Lt. Disher: That’s what they’re calling him. We, uh, sort of pieced together the route he took. [He walks over to a blown up map. He sighs.] I don't know. Okay. [He pulls out a few pushpins]
Lt. Disher: After the shooting, three people saw him running west towards the park here, and on 19th, here, [puts a pushpin into an intersection on the map] he flagged down a taxi.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He took a taxi?
Lt. Disher: Yeah, it gets worse. He, uh, threw up in the backseat. But we did get his blood type from the vomit. The taxi then, uh, dropped him off at a bar upon Geary Street... [puts another pushpin on the map] ...there, where he sat in a booth at the back, apparently drinking bourbon and crying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He was crying? Oh, dear Lord.
Lt. Disher: About midnight, an older woman in a brown station wagon was seen picking him up. Possibly his mother.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He called his mom?
Lt. Disher: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that son of a bitch better hope I don’t find him first. [He looks at the cartographic sketch of Fraidy Cop]
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer speaks at a press conference]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sidney Teal did not suffer a nervous breakdown. The incident on Harrison Place was, in fact, a crime of passion. We believe that Mr. Teal, was in fact trying to murder Mr. Modine, who was linked romantically at one time with Mr. Teal’s wife, Myra. Over the next 10 days, the D.A.’s office is going to decide whether or not they want to press charges against Mr. Modine for filing a false report. Any questions?
Reporter #1: Captain, is there any news on Fraidy Cop?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No comment.
Reporter #1: Captain, there’s a story in today’s Tribune that says the department knows the identity of Fraidy Cop, but is refusing to release it.
Reporter #2: Is that true, Captain?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No comment.
[The reporters all clamor for a few moments until Stottlemeyer interrupts]
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. Hey, hey. Hang on. I have another statement. Here it is. The next reporter that asks me about this so-called Fraidy Cop is going to be banned from all press conferences for a year.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sidney Teal did not suffer a nervous breakdown. The incident on Harrison Place was, in fact, a crime of passion. We believe that Mr. Teal, was in fact trying to murder Mr. Modine, who was linked romantically at one time with Mr. Teal’s wife, Myra. Over the next 10 days, the D.A.’s office is going to decide whether or not they want to press charges against Mr. Modine for filing a false report. Any questions?
Reporter #1: Captain, is there any news on Fraidy Cop?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No comment.
Reporter #1: Captain, there’s a story in today’s Tribune that says the department knows the identity of Fraidy Cop, but is refusing to release it.
Reporter #2: Is that true, Captain?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No comment.
[The reporters all clamor for a few moments until Stottlemeyer interrupts]
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. Hey, hey. Hang on. I have another statement. Here it is. The next reporter that asks me about this so-called Fraidy Cop is going to be banned from all press conferences for a year.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Sharona arrive at the crime scene]
Adrian Monk: Captain! I see the circus is in town.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, yes. It’s gonna get a lot worse.
Sharona Fleming: Captian, Adrian wants to talk to you about our fee.
Adrian Monk: [noticing another man] That the shooter?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, Archie Modine. He’s an ex-cop. He was second lieutenant in Palo Alto. I already checked him out. He was a straight up good cop. Now, he’s the head of security at CK Pharmaceuticals.
Sharona Fleming: Uh, Captain. About our fee, we want—
Adrian Monk: Sharona.
Sharona Fleming: We want to talk.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, please. [to Stottlemeyer] Walk me through it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It’s pretty routine till we get to the punch line. Modine and his date are walking to their car over here. The, uh, perp is over here. Now, the perp pops out with a knife. Modine pulls out his piece. .38 caliber. I already called. He’s licensed. Bang. Bang. Bang. Three in the chest.
Adrian Monk: So, I just have one question. What am I doing here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Here comes the punch line: Our perp is Sidney Teal.
Sharona Fleming: The computer guy?
Adrian Monk: Get out of town.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take a look. [lifts up the canvas covering the late Sidney Teal] That’s what $5 billion looks like.
Adrian Monk: Get out of town. What in God’s name was he doing? [Stottlemeyer puts Teal's false mustache in an evidence bag]
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think maybe, that this is how he got his kicks. I mean, that kind of money can make a person crazy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I wouldn’t know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: <
Adrian Monk: Captain! I see the circus is in town.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, yes. It’s gonna get a lot worse.
Sharona Fleming: Captian, Adrian wants to talk to you about our fee.
Adrian Monk: [noticing another man] That the shooter?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, Archie Modine. He’s an ex-cop. He was second lieutenant in Palo Alto. I already checked him out. He was a straight up good cop. Now, he’s the head of security at CK Pharmaceuticals.
Sharona Fleming: Uh, Captain. About our fee, we want—
Adrian Monk: Sharona.
Sharona Fleming: We want to talk.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, please. [to Stottlemeyer] Walk me through it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It’s pretty routine till we get to the punch line. Modine and his date are walking to their car over here. The, uh, perp is over here. Now, the perp pops out with a knife. Modine pulls out his piece. .38 caliber. I already called. He’s licensed. Bang. Bang. Bang. Three in the chest.
Adrian Monk: So, I just have one question. What am I doing here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Here comes the punch line: Our perp is Sidney Teal.
Sharona Fleming: The computer guy?
Adrian Monk: Get out of town.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take a look. [lifts up the canvas covering the late Sidney Teal] That’s what $5 billion looks like.
Adrian Monk: Get out of town. What in God’s name was he doing? [Stottlemeyer puts Teal's false mustache in an evidence bag]
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think maybe, that this is how he got his kicks. I mean, that kind of money can make a person crazy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I wouldn’t know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: <
TV Show: Monk
Monk: It doesn't make any sense.
Stottlemeyer: Does everything have to make sense, Monk?
Monk: Well... yeah, it kinda does.
Stottlemeyer: Does everything have to make sense, Monk?
Monk: Well... yeah, it kinda does.
TV Show: Monk
[Adrian packs to stay overnight at Monica's after a murder in her garage.]
Sharona: I am not coming to get you in the middle of the night!
Monk: You won't have to get me — I'm not a child, Sharona. [worriedly] Can't find my PJs!
Sharona: I am not coming to get you in the middle of the night!
Monk: You won't have to get me — I'm not a child, Sharona. [worriedly] Can't find my PJs!
TV Show: Monk
[After Stottlemeyer ruins Monk's night "sleepover" with a wrong accusation, and Monk nevertheless solves the case...]
Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk!
[Stottlemeyer shuffles uncomfortably for a moment.]
Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry.
Monk: You don't have to say that.
Stottlemeyer: Yes, I do. Commissioner is making me.
Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk!
[Stottlemeyer shuffles uncomfortably for a moment.]
Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry.
Monk: You don't have to say that.
Stottlemeyer: Yes, I do. Commissioner is making me.
TV Show: Monk
[After Monk misses seeing his marathon idol, Tonday, because he was uninvitedly fixing someone's sweater...]
Monk: It was askew!
Sharona: So what? So what — why can't you just let people be askew? I mean, what are you, the Askew Police?
Monk: Yes, I'm the Askew Police.
Monk: It was askew!
Sharona: So what? So what — why can't you just let people be askew? I mean, what are you, the Askew Police?
Monk: Yes, I'm the Askew Police.
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer et al. confront McDowell about his affair with the murder victim.]
Stottlemeyer: She was your girlfriend.
McDowell: Yes, uh... I really screwed up, big time.
Stottlemeyer: How long have you been "screwing up"?
Stottlemeyer: She was your girlfriend.
McDowell: Yes, uh... I really screwed up, big time.
Stottlemeyer: How long have you been "screwing up"?
TV Show: Monk
[Tonday gives Monk his headband from his famous 1973 run. Monk places it against his cheek.]
Monk: Thank you, my friend. Thank you for this. This... means the world to me.
Tonday: I haven't worn it since the big race. Or washed it.
[Tonday gets into his taxi. Monk pulls the headband off his cheek and stares at it.]
Monk: Baggie! Baggie! Baggie, baggie!
Sharona: Just give it to me.
Monk: Thank you, my friend. Thank you for this. This... means the world to me.
Tonday: I haven't worn it since the big race. Or washed it.
[Tonday gets into his taxi. Monk pulls the headband off his cheek and stares at it.]
Monk: Baggie! Baggie! Baggie, baggie!
Sharona: Just give it to me.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Benjy observe Sharona losing to a handsome acquaintance at tennis.]
Benjy: Mom coulda got that shot. You think she's letting him win?
Monk: I wouldn't be surprised.
Benjy: You know, why do girls do that?
Monk: Someday you'll understand. [pauses] When you do, call me and explain it to me.
Benjy: Mom coulda got that shot. You think she's letting him win?
Monk: I wouldn't be surprised.
Benjy: You know, why do girls do that?
Monk: Someday you'll understand. [pauses] When you do, call me and explain it to me.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Disher are talking on the phone]
Disher: So, you want to tell me what's going on?
Monk: I think this time, he might have killed his wife.
Disher: Where are you staying, Monk? The Bates Motel?
Monk: No, but I think this place is run by the same company.
Disher: So, you want to tell me what's going on?
Monk: I think this time, he might have killed his wife.
Disher: Where are you staying, Monk? The Bates Motel?
Monk: No, but I think this place is run by the same company.
TV Show: Monk
[Trying to locate the murder victim, Monk investigates some missing bags of quicklime.]
Monk: There had to be more than one person. I think we're looking for a gang. Did they move those palette boards?
Groundskeeper: They don't belong there.
[Monk compares the window height to the palette stack height.]
Monk: They were short.
Groundskeeper: A short gang of lime thieves?
Monk: It's a nutty world.
Monk: There had to be more than one person. I think we're looking for a gang. Did they move those palette boards?
Groundskeeper: They don't belong there.
[Monk compares the window height to the palette stack height.]
Monk: They were short.
Groundskeeper: A short gang of lime thieves?
Monk: It's a nutty world.
TV Show: Monk
Monk: Okay, just for the record, what we just did...
Benjy: Breaking and entering?
Monk: Yeah... it's wrong. Don't-don't do it.
Benjy: Breaking and entering?
Monk: Yeah... it's wrong. Don't-don't do it.
TV Show: Monk