Monk Quotes
[Marilyn goes upstairs to fetch her husband]
Natalie Teeger: She seems nice. How bad can her husband be?
Adrian Monk: It doesn't always work that way! Eva Braun took in stray puppies, for God's sakes!
Natalie Teeger: At least we know his checks won't bounce.
Natalie Teeger: She seems nice. How bad can her husband be?
Adrian Monk: It doesn't always work that way! Eva Braun took in stray puppies, for God's sakes!
Natalie Teeger: At least we know his checks won't bounce.
TV Show: Monk
Roderick Brody: I hear you went a little crazy since high school. Now I just need to know, is it funny crazy or sad crazy?
Natalie Teeger: Funny crazy.
Adrian Monk: [at the same time] Sad crazy.
[long pause. Roderick is slightly confused]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. There's something I want to say. [takes out a notecard and reads from it] "Roderick Brody. You stole something from me. You stole my childhood. The boy you tormented has grown into a broken man. I am now damaged goods. I will never recover from the wounds that you inflicted upon me. I will never forget you. And I will never forgive you."
Roderick Brody: So it's sad crazy?
Natalie Teeger: No. I think Mr. Monk is referring to what you did to him in the seventh grade. You... "tortured" him.
Natalie Teeger: Funny crazy.
Adrian Monk: [at the same time] Sad crazy.
[long pause. Roderick is slightly confused]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. There's something I want to say. [takes out a notecard and reads from it] "Roderick Brody. You stole something from me. You stole my childhood. The boy you tormented has grown into a broken man. I am now damaged goods. I will never recover from the wounds that you inflicted upon me. I will never forget you. And I will never forgive you."
Roderick Brody: So it's sad crazy?
Natalie Teeger: No. I think Mr. Monk is referring to what you did to him in the seventh grade. You... "tortured" him.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie secretly convene with Roderick in a deserted parking lot]
Adrian Monk: Well, you were right. [hands a file to Roderick] His name is Douglas Fendle.
Natalie Teeger: Do you know him?
Roderick Brody: Fendle? No.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure? Young, strapping, good looking guy. Virile. You don't know him?
Roderick Brody: Mmm-mmm.
Natalie Teeger: She met him at a bar on Vinton Street, had a couple of drinks, and he left first.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, the virile guy left first, and we followed him to the Avalon Hotel on Jackson Place.
Natalie Teeger: Roderick, I'm really sorry.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're really really sorry.
Roderick Brody: I don't see anything. You know, it's so dark.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, well, that film expired about 35-40 years ago. But that's her. If you want to cry, go ahead. We-we understand.
Roderick Brody: I can't see anything. This doesn't prove anything.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but you know it's her, right? Because you saw her on the street. That's why you hired us.
Roderick Brody: You know, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure about that anymore. The woman I saw, maybe it wasn't Marylin. You know? My eyes aren't so great, I could have been wrong.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. You weren't wrong. It was her.
Roderick Brody: I'm just not convinced. I need some real proof. You know, last night was our anniversary, and Marilyn surprised me. She bought us tickets. We're going on a cruise. I think we're in a good place.
Adrian Monk: No. No, no, no, you're in a bad place. You're in the Heartbreak Hotel. Look at the next picture.
Roderick Brody: [looking at the reflection photo] Is that a spoon?
Adrian Monk: Well, you were right. [hands a file to Roderick] His name is Douglas Fendle.
Natalie Teeger: Do you know him?
Roderick Brody: Fendle? No.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure? Young, strapping, good looking guy. Virile. You don't know him?
Roderick Brody: Mmm-mmm.
Natalie Teeger: She met him at a bar on Vinton Street, had a couple of drinks, and he left first.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, the virile guy left first, and we followed him to the Avalon Hotel on Jackson Place.
Natalie Teeger: Roderick, I'm really sorry.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're really really sorry.
Roderick Brody: I don't see anything. You know, it's so dark.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, well, that film expired about 35-40 years ago. But that's her. If you want to cry, go ahead. We-we understand.
Roderick Brody: I can't see anything. This doesn't prove anything.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but you know it's her, right? Because you saw her on the street. That's why you hired us.
Roderick Brody: You know, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure about that anymore. The woman I saw, maybe it wasn't Marylin. You know? My eyes aren't so great, I could have been wrong.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. You weren't wrong. It was her.
Roderick Brody: I'm just not convinced. I need some real proof. You know, last night was our anniversary, and Marilyn surprised me. She bought us tickets. We're going on a cruise. I think we're in a good place.
Adrian Monk: No. No, no, no, you're in a bad place. You're in the Heartbreak Hotel. Look at the next picture.
Roderick Brody: [looking at the reflection photo] Is that a spoon?
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie are retracing Marilyn Brody's route. Monk has tried to get information from a doorman]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, don't you feel bad? Even a little? I mean, if you're right, this could destroy their marriage!
Adrian Monk: You're the one whose always talking about karma. What comes around goes around. Isn't that what you said?
Natalie Teeger: That isn't what I meant!
Adrian Monk: Of course it is. Of course it is. [spots a bar just across the street] Ooh, that looks promising. Come on.
[Monk and Natalie walk into an upscale bar and take seats at the counter]
Natalie Teeger: Hi. Excuse me.
Adrian Monk: Hi. We're looking for this woman. [flashes a photo of Marilyn]
Bartender: You a cop?
Adrian Monk: No, no. Just an old friend.
Bartender: Haven't seen her.
Adrian Monk: OK. [Monk pulls a dollar bill out of his wallet and puts it on the counter] Maybe General Washington can refresh your memory....
Bartender: Is that a dollar?
Adrian Monk: [winks] Okay, I get it. Who knows? Maybe there are... [puts a dime on the bill, waving his hand over it like he's doing a magic trick] two General Washingtons. [The bartender walks away] Where are you going? Where's he going? [Monk puts the dollar bills back in his wallet] You've got to admire the guy. He's incorruptable.
Barfly: Hey. She's right over there. [Monk and Natalie turn around and see "Marilyn" and her lover in a back table]
Adrian Monk: Oh my god.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my god, it's true!
Adrian Monk: This is going to kill him.
Natalie Teeger: [looks over her shoulder] He's actually kind of cute.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, don't you feel bad? Even a little? I mean, if you're right, this could destroy their marriage!
Adrian Monk: You're the one whose always talking about karma. What comes around goes around. Isn't that what you said?
Natalie Teeger: That isn't what I meant!
Adrian Monk: Of course it is. Of course it is. [spots a bar just across the street] Ooh, that looks promising. Come on.
[Monk and Natalie walk into an upscale bar and take seats at the counter]
Natalie Teeger: Hi. Excuse me.
Adrian Monk: Hi. We're looking for this woman. [flashes a photo of Marilyn]
Bartender: You a cop?
Adrian Monk: No, no. Just an old friend.
Bartender: Haven't seen her.
Adrian Monk: OK. [Monk pulls a dollar bill out of his wallet and puts it on the counter] Maybe General Washington can refresh your memory....
Bartender: Is that a dollar?
Adrian Monk: [winks] Okay, I get it. Who knows? Maybe there are... [puts a dime on the bill, waving his hand over it like he's doing a magic trick] two General Washingtons. [The bartender walks away] Where are you going? Where's he going? [Monk puts the dollar bills back in his wallet] You've got to admire the guy. He's incorruptable.
Barfly: Hey. She's right over there. [Monk and Natalie turn around and see "Marilyn" and her lover in a back table]
Adrian Monk: Oh my god.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my god, it's true!
Adrian Monk: This is going to kill him.
Natalie Teeger: [looks over her shoulder] He's actually kind of cute.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: I get to tell him, OK. That's the deal. God, I can't wait to see his face! [Monk pulls out his old camera]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, what is that? Is that your camera? Where did you get that?
Adrian Monk: It's a birthday gift.
Natalie Teeger: From who? Thomas Edison?
Adrian Monk: It's from my Nana.
Natalie Teeger: Is there actual film in it?
Adrian Monk: Of course there's film in it! [looks around his surroundings] Okay, I have three pictures left. Oh, there's not enough light. So... [takes out a flash cube]
Natalie Teeger: Is that a flash cube?
Adrian Monk: [pops the cube on] Bingo. Hold this. Hold it. [He then stands a spoon on its handle and polishes it with a wipe while Natalie holds the camera]
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: It's an old private eye trick. We use it as a mirror. [Natalie holds the spoon upright as Monk positions himself]
Natalie Teeger: [whispering] Hurry up! Take the picture!
[The flash fires, and both Monk and Natalie have to wince their eyes counteract the sudden brightness]
Barfly: You like that spoon, huh?
Natalie Teeger: Sir, um, would you mind taking our picture, please?
Barfly: Madam, I would be honored.
Natalie Teeger: [hands him the camera] Oh, thank you! Here you go. It's ready to go!
Barfly: Hey, I've got the same model myself. A gift from my Nana.
Natalie Teeger: And, sir if you wouldn't mind standing right there. [She positions the businessman to just the right angle] Okay. Can you see us?
Barfly: I got ya.
Natalie Teeger: And if you could stand right there. [She repositions Mon
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, what is that? Is that your camera? Where did you get that?
Adrian Monk: It's a birthday gift.
Natalie Teeger: From who? Thomas Edison?
Adrian Monk: It's from my Nana.
Natalie Teeger: Is there actual film in it?
Adrian Monk: Of course there's film in it! [looks around his surroundings] Okay, I have three pictures left. Oh, there's not enough light. So... [takes out a flash cube]
Natalie Teeger: Is that a flash cube?
Adrian Monk: [pops the cube on] Bingo. Hold this. Hold it. [He then stands a spoon on its handle and polishes it with a wipe while Natalie holds the camera]
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: It's an old private eye trick. We use it as a mirror. [Natalie holds the spoon upright as Monk positions himself]
Natalie Teeger: [whispering] Hurry up! Take the picture!
[The flash fires, and both Monk and Natalie have to wince their eyes counteract the sudden brightness]
Barfly: You like that spoon, huh?
Natalie Teeger: Sir, um, would you mind taking our picture, please?
Barfly: Madam, I would be honored.
Natalie Teeger: [hands him the camera] Oh, thank you! Here you go. It's ready to go!
Barfly: Hey, I've got the same model myself. A gift from my Nana.
Natalie Teeger: And, sir if you wouldn't mind standing right there. [She positions the businessman to just the right angle] Okay. Can you see us?
Barfly: I got ya.
Natalie Teeger: And if you could stand right there. [She repositions Mon
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie shows up at Monk's apartment carrying a plastic bag]
Adrian Monk: Okay it took you long enough. Did you get it? [He pulls a box containing a digital camera out of the bag] Oh yeah. Is it a good one?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Well it looks good. [looks at the woman on the box] She looks happy with it.
Natalie Teeger: Yes she does and she's very hard to please. [Monk sits down at his dining room table]
Adrian Monk: Where's the telescope thingy?
Natalie Teeger: Uh, it has an automatic zoom, so it's built-in.
Adrian Monk: Built-in? Excellent! [takes a scalpel and slowly cuts an incision into the sides of the box]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's not heart surgery.
Adrian Monk: If we leave right away, we can be at her house by 8: 00 AM, we can follow her all day.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, look, uh, Mr. Monk, I have to tell you something. I made a decision: if you want to keep following Mrs. Brody, I suppose that's your right, although it really isn't, but I can't help you anymore.
Adrian Monk: Why not?
Natalie Teeger: I-I-I'm just not comfortable! Her husband fired us.
Adrian Monk: It's what they call pro bono.
Natalie Teeger: No, "pro bono" is for lawyers! This is stalking!
Adrian Monk: No, this is comeuppance. Pro bono comeuppance.
Natalie Teeger: No, no! That is just crazy talk! [She quickly steps forward and switches off the lamp on Monk's table. Monk turns it back on]
Adrian Monk: It's not crazy talk.
Natalie Teeger: "Pro bono comeuppance"?! That's the craziest talk there is! You heard what he said. He wants you to quit!
Adrian Monk: I
Adrian Monk: Okay it took you long enough. Did you get it? [He pulls a box containing a digital camera out of the bag] Oh yeah. Is it a good one?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Well it looks good. [looks at the woman on the box] She looks happy with it.
Natalie Teeger: Yes she does and she's very hard to please. [Monk sits down at his dining room table]
Adrian Monk: Where's the telescope thingy?
Natalie Teeger: Uh, it has an automatic zoom, so it's built-in.
Adrian Monk: Built-in? Excellent! [takes a scalpel and slowly cuts an incision into the sides of the box]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's not heart surgery.
Adrian Monk: If we leave right away, we can be at her house by 8: 00 AM, we can follow her all day.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, look, uh, Mr. Monk, I have to tell you something. I made a decision: if you want to keep following Mrs. Brody, I suppose that's your right, although it really isn't, but I can't help you anymore.
Adrian Monk: Why not?
Natalie Teeger: I-I-I'm just not comfortable! Her husband fired us.
Adrian Monk: It's what they call pro bono.
Natalie Teeger: No, "pro bono" is for lawyers! This is stalking!
Adrian Monk: No, this is comeuppance. Pro bono comeuppance.
Natalie Teeger: No, no! That is just crazy talk! [She quickly steps forward and switches off the lamp on Monk's table. Monk turns it back on]
Adrian Monk: It's not crazy talk.
Natalie Teeger: "Pro bono comeuppance"?! That's the craziest talk there is! You heard what he said. He wants you to quit!
Adrian Monk: I
TV Show: Monk
[Randy is briefing Monk and Natalie on a murder victim]
Lt. Randall Disher: His name is Douglas J. Fendle, or rather was Douglas J. Fendle, I guess it still is, but let's move on. [looks at his notebook] Uh, he was 37, unmarried, from Chicago. Mr. Fendle was an attorney, he worked at a small time law firm, Shellman, Reznick & Link, mostly family law, wills, adoptions... [he looks up at Monk] Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: Dynamite.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, so are you, uh, going to look around?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, sure.
[He looks around the scene as Disher continues reading from his notes]'
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, I talked to his boss. She said he was on vacation. She didn't even know he was here.
Adrian Monk: Hmmm, interesting.
Lt. Randall Disher: According to the clerk, he checked in three days ago. He kept to himself. Housekeeping found the body this morning. Dr. T puts the time of death at 8: 00 or 9: 00 PM last night. [pauses as Monk takes a flower out of one of the room vases] He was stabbed three times.
Adrian Monk: Ouch. [Natalie looks at him disapprovingly]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk!
Lt. Randall Disher: There was money still in his pocket, so it wasn't a robbery.
Adrian Monk: No, it wasn't a robbery.
Lt. Randall Disher: And, uh, there was no forced entry. He let the guy in. I think he knew him.
Adrian Monk: [semi-chuckling] Yeah I think he knew him too. I think you're right- [Natalie pulls him aside and leads him into the other room]
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me! Can I talk to you for a minute, please? Do you think Roderick Brody did this?
[Monk gives her a look that means "maybe"]
Natalie Teeger: <
Lt. Randall Disher: His name is Douglas J. Fendle, or rather was Douglas J. Fendle, I guess it still is, but let's move on. [looks at his notebook] Uh, he was 37, unmarried, from Chicago. Mr. Fendle was an attorney, he worked at a small time law firm, Shellman, Reznick & Link, mostly family law, wills, adoptions... [he looks up at Monk] Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: Dynamite.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, so are you, uh, going to look around?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, sure.
[He looks around the scene as Disher continues reading from his notes]'
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, I talked to his boss. She said he was on vacation. She didn't even know he was here.
Adrian Monk: Hmmm, interesting.
Lt. Randall Disher: According to the clerk, he checked in three days ago. He kept to himself. Housekeeping found the body this morning. Dr. T puts the time of death at 8: 00 or 9: 00 PM last night. [pauses as Monk takes a flower out of one of the room vases] He was stabbed three times.
Adrian Monk: Ouch. [Natalie looks at him disapprovingly]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk!
Lt. Randall Disher: There was money still in his pocket, so it wasn't a robbery.
Adrian Monk: No, it wasn't a robbery.
Lt. Randall Disher: And, uh, there was no forced entry. He let the guy in. I think he knew him.
Adrian Monk: [semi-chuckling] Yeah I think he knew him too. I think you're right- [Natalie pulls him aside and leads him into the other room]
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me! Can I talk to you for a minute, please? Do you think Roderick Brody did this?
[Monk gives her a look that means "maybe"]
Natalie Teeger: <
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie are in Douglas Fendle's hotel room]
Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] You were right about karma. It is *fantastic*.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk- [Captain Stottlemeyer enters the room]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, Natalie, thanks for coming.
Adrian Monk: Yeah...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I was downstairs doing a little Dumpster diving. Can't find the murder weapon. There is a steak knife missing from that service tray. I guess he took it with him. So, what do you think? [Monk appears to be holding his breath] You okay? [Monk blushes] Are you happy?
Adrian Monk: I love my work. Is that a crime?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No.
[Randy whispers to Stottlemeyer]
Lt. Randall Disher: I think they knew the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What? What, you know this guy? [gestures towards the bedroom and Fendle's dead body]
Adrian Monk: No, not technically...
Natalie Teeger: [overlapping Monk's words] No, [we] don't "know" him; never met him face to face.
Adrian Monk: Never formally introduced. We've sort of been following him.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following him? I wonder why.
Adrian Monk: Well, he was seeing a woman, a married woman, and we were following her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following the woman? I wonder why.
Natalie Teeger: Her husband hired us.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until you hear different, I wonder why. Wh-what are you doing? You, you doing divorce work now?
Natalie Teeger: He was just doing a favor. He was an old friend of Mr. Monk's.
Adrian Monk:
Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] You were right about karma. It is *fantastic*.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk- [Captain Stottlemeyer enters the room]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, Natalie, thanks for coming.
Adrian Monk: Yeah...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I was downstairs doing a little Dumpster diving. Can't find the murder weapon. There is a steak knife missing from that service tray. I guess he took it with him. So, what do you think? [Monk appears to be holding his breath] You okay? [Monk blushes] Are you happy?
Adrian Monk: I love my work. Is that a crime?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No.
[Randy whispers to Stottlemeyer]
Lt. Randall Disher: I think they knew the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What? What, you know this guy? [gestures towards the bedroom and Fendle's dead body]
Adrian Monk: No, not technically...
Natalie Teeger: [overlapping Monk's words] No, [we] don't "know" him; never met him face to face.
Adrian Monk: Never formally introduced. We've sort of been following him.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following him? I wonder why.
Adrian Monk: Well, he was seeing a woman, a married woman, and we were following her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following the woman? I wonder why.
Natalie Teeger: Her husband hired us.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until you hear different, I wonder why. Wh-what are you doing? You, you doing divorce work now?
Natalie Teeger: He was just doing a favor. He was an old friend of Mr. Monk's.
Adrian Monk:
TV Show: Monk
[Roderick Brody is being questioned at the police station]
Roderick Brody: You didn't have to drag me down here. You could've talked to me in my office.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well I'm more comfortable here. I've got my own coffee mug. I've got the AC set just the way I like it.
Roderick Brody: Yeah, well can I at least call my wife?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well we already called her. She's on her way.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So let's start at the beginning. You knew Mr. Monk from the neighborhood. You hired him to follow your wife, he told you about Mr. Fendle, told you about Fendle and the hotel...
Roderick Brody: Yeah, but it wasn't my wife. The woman you saw in that bar, it wasn't Marilyn. It couldn't have been.
[Monk stands up and paces in front of Roderick]
Adrian Monk: Well I told you about your wife and Mr. Fendle and then two hours later, Fendle was dead. It looks pretty bad, Roderick.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, skipping ahead, eight o'clock last night?
Roderick Brody: I told you. I was at home with Marilyn. We rented a movie.
Adrian Monk: What's the matter, Roddy? You look a little... flushed. [pause] Get it?
Roderick Brody: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Neither do I.
Lt. Randall Disher: Flushed?
Adrian Monk: He gets it. Trust me. He gets it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, Monk? We'll take it from here. Thank you.
Adrian Monk: I'll bet the room is just swirling all around you. Just swirling all around. Your whole life is about to go down the drain. Wait, I have more. [pulls out an index card] "Your thoughts are overflowing..." [Natalie pulls the card from his hand]
Roderick Brody: You didn't have to drag me down here. You could've talked to me in my office.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well I'm more comfortable here. I've got my own coffee mug. I've got the AC set just the way I like it.
Roderick Brody: Yeah, well can I at least call my wife?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well we already called her. She's on her way.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So let's start at the beginning. You knew Mr. Monk from the neighborhood. You hired him to follow your wife, he told you about Mr. Fendle, told you about Fendle and the hotel...
Roderick Brody: Yeah, but it wasn't my wife. The woman you saw in that bar, it wasn't Marilyn. It couldn't have been.
[Monk stands up and paces in front of Roderick]
Adrian Monk: Well I told you about your wife and Mr. Fendle and then two hours later, Fendle was dead. It looks pretty bad, Roderick.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, skipping ahead, eight o'clock last night?
Roderick Brody: I told you. I was at home with Marilyn. We rented a movie.
Adrian Monk: What's the matter, Roddy? You look a little... flushed. [pause] Get it?
Roderick Brody: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Neither do I.
Lt. Randall Disher: Flushed?
Adrian Monk: He gets it. Trust me. He gets it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, Monk? We'll take it from here. Thank you.
Adrian Monk: I'll bet the room is just swirling all around you. Just swirling all around. Your whole life is about to go down the drain. Wait, I have more. [pulls out an index card] "Your thoughts are overflowing..." [Natalie pulls the card from his hand]
TV Show: Monk
[Marilyn has shown up at the police station]
Marilyn Brody: I'm sorry baby.
Roderick Brody: Oh, thank god. Marilyn, you've gotta tell these guys about what we did last night.
Marilyn Brody: Yes, I know what you want me to say but... I can't lie for you after what you did.
Roderick Brody: What?
[Marilyn steps closer to Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Marilyn Brody: The truth is... I was in love with Doug Fendle. Last night, I told Roderick the truth, I tried to...
Roderick Brody: What are you talking about-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Brody, let her talk. [to Marilyn] What happened?
Marilyn Brody: And he got furious, he was screaming. He said he was gonna kill Doug and then he left.
Roderick Brody: What are you doing?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey. Mr. Brody! What time was this?
Marilyn Brody: 7: 30. And he left for 2, 2 1/2 hours. When he came back... he was bloody.
Roderick Brody: Marilyn!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Brody!
Roderick Brody: This is ridiculous!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Take him down. [He and another officer have to restrain Roderick] Have a seat. Sit down!
Lt. Randall Disher: It's okay. Go on.
Marilyn Brody: When I came downstairs, he was by the fireplace. He was burning his clothes.
Roderick Brody: That is totally insane! She is lying to you!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sit down.
Marilyn Brody: He gave me this, and told me to get rid of it. [She produces a steak knife wrapped in a handkerchief]
Adrian Monk: I'm going to step outside for a moment, and get a little fresh air. [He leaves]
Marilyn Brody: I'm sorry baby.
Roderick Brody: Oh, thank god. Marilyn, you've gotta tell these guys about what we did last night.
Marilyn Brody: Yes, I know what you want me to say but... I can't lie for you after what you did.
Roderick Brody: What?
[Marilyn steps closer to Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Marilyn Brody: The truth is... I was in love with Doug Fendle. Last night, I told Roderick the truth, I tried to...
Roderick Brody: What are you talking about-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Brody, let her talk. [to Marilyn] What happened?
Marilyn Brody: And he got furious, he was screaming. He said he was gonna kill Doug and then he left.
Roderick Brody: What are you doing?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey. Mr. Brody! What time was this?
Marilyn Brody: 7: 30. And he left for 2, 2 1/2 hours. When he came back... he was bloody.
Roderick Brody: Marilyn!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Brody!
Roderick Brody: This is ridiculous!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Take him down. [He and another officer have to restrain Roderick] Have a seat. Sit down!
Lt. Randall Disher: It's okay. Go on.
Marilyn Brody: When I came downstairs, he was by the fireplace. He was burning his clothes.
Roderick Brody: That is totally insane! She is lying to you!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sit down.
Marilyn Brody: He gave me this, and told me to get rid of it. [She produces a steak knife wrapped in a handkerchief]
Adrian Monk: I'm going to step outside for a moment, and get a little fresh air. [He leaves]
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie has found Monk in the park and Monk is trying to do a cartwheel]
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna do a cartwheel. You might want to step back. It's my first cartwheel. [He puts wipes on the ground] What am I doing? A man's been killed, right? A man's been stabbed to death.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, that's what I've been saying.
Adrian Monk: This is no time for cartwheels. [starts to pick up his wipes] On the other hand, I have been waiting 40 years for this. I mean, this is a moment to savor, it might never happen again. I'm doing the cartwheel. [puts them back on the ground] My God, it's ghoulish. One man dead, another going to jail. Am I a ghoul?
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, you're not a ghoul.
Adrian Monk: What is a ghoul?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: I don't care! The man is my archenemy! One cartwheel, I've gotta do it. [tries again] I can't. Natalie, do the cartwheel.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Come on, it's a good compromise: cartwheel by proxy. And don't forget to say "Whee" while you're doing it. [He grabs Natalie by her right arm]
Natalie Teeger: Uh no, thank you.
[Monk stops, having been transfixed to a police officer's holstered gun]
Adrian Monk: Oh no.
Natalie Teeger: Wha-What happened?
Adrian Monk: Brody. He had a gun.
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna do a cartwheel. You might want to step back. It's my first cartwheel. [He puts wipes on the ground] What am I doing? A man's been killed, right? A man's been stabbed to death.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, that's what I've been saying.
Adrian Monk: This is no time for cartwheels. [starts to pick up his wipes] On the other hand, I have been waiting 40 years for this. I mean, this is a moment to savor, it might never happen again. I'm doing the cartwheel. [puts them back on the ground] My God, it's ghoulish. One man dead, another going to jail. Am I a ghoul?
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, you're not a ghoul.
Adrian Monk: What is a ghoul?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: I don't care! The man is my archenemy! One cartwheel, I've gotta do it. [tries again] I can't. Natalie, do the cartwheel.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Come on, it's a good compromise: cartwheel by proxy. And don't forget to say "Whee" while you're doing it. [He grabs Natalie by her right arm]
Natalie Teeger: Uh no, thank you.
[Monk stops, having been transfixed to a police officer's holstered gun]
Adrian Monk: Oh no.
Natalie Teeger: Wha-What happened?
Adrian Monk: Brody. He had a gun.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have broken into the Brody house just in time to stop Marilyn's sister from drowning her]
Lt. Randall Disher: How do we tell them apart? [Marilyn coughs up salt water] Say "aunt."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Let's arrest the one that wasn't drowning.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, uh, that works too.
Lt. Randall Disher: How do we tell them apart? [Marilyn coughs up salt water] Say "aunt."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Let's arrest the one that wasn't drowning.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, uh, that works too.
TV Show: Monk
[last lines]
Adrian Monk: Don't you hear that? The toilet tank refilling? The toilet tank of life.
Natalie Teeger: Come on, Mr. Monk, I'll drive you home.
Adrian Monk: It's what Plato called, "the great cosmic swirly." There's no escaping it.
Natalie Teeger: Plato said that?
Adrian Monk: I'm paraphrasing. I think I'm gonna need that shower cap back.
Natalie Teeger: OK.
Adrian Monk: Don't you hear that? The toilet tank refilling? The toilet tank of life.
Natalie Teeger: Come on, Mr. Monk, I'll drive you home.
Adrian Monk: It's what Plato called, "the great cosmic swirly." There's no escaping it.
Natalie Teeger: Plato said that?
Adrian Monk: I'm paraphrasing. I think I'm gonna need that shower cap back.
Natalie Teeger: OK.
TV Show: Monk
[Torini and Tanya are rehearsing for Torini's next show]
Karl Torini: Applause, applause, applause. [holds out a birdcage] Different music cue, show them the cage. [The cage pops and vanishes] It's gone. Oohs and aahs from the audience. That's when you bring on the cabinet. [Tanya wheels on a cabinet] You wheel it on. Turn it around slowly. Let them get a look at it.
Tanya Adams: Like this?
Karl Torini: You open the cabinet. [opens the curtain] Nothing inside! You step in there-[Kevin comes in and Torini sees him] Who's there? [Kevin raises his hand] Dorfman, what are you doing here? This is a closed rehearsal.
Karl Torini: Applause, applause, applause. [holds out a birdcage] Different music cue, show them the cage. [The cage pops and vanishes] It's gone. Oohs and aahs from the audience. That's when you bring on the cabinet. [Tanya wheels on a cabinet] You wheel it on. Turn it around slowly. Let them get a look at it.
Tanya Adams: Like this?
Karl Torini: You open the cabinet. [opens the curtain] Nothing inside! You step in there-[Kevin comes in and Torini sees him] Who's there? [Kevin raises his hand] Dorfman, what are you doing here? This is a closed rehearsal.
TV Show: Monk
[At Kevin's funeral, Monk and Natalie are looking at a photo of Kevin]
Adrian Monk: That's a nice picture.
Natalie Teeger: I took that picture.
Adrian Monk: Oh.
Natalie Teeger: Took me two hours. I wanted to get one where he wasn't talking.
Adrian Monk: Ha, well, you did it.
Natalie Teeger: Actually, I had to Photoshop it.
Adrian Monk: That's a nice picture.
Natalie Teeger: I took that picture.
Adrian Monk: Oh.
Natalie Teeger: Took me two hours. I wanted to get one where he wasn't talking.
Adrian Monk: Ha, well, you did it.
Natalie Teeger: Actually, I had to Photoshop it.
TV Show: Monk
[Experimenting with one of Torini's knives, Monk checks to see if it's a real knife or not by using it on Natalie. She immediately yelps as soon as the blade contacts her]
Natalie Teeger: OW!
Adrian Monk: OK, this one might be real. Don't play with this one.
Natalie Teeger: All right, I won't.
[Monk notices something nearby]
Adrian Monk: What is that? [He walks over to the cabinet to examine it, and suddenly Torini's voice comes booming over the loudspeaker]
Karl Torini: [over the speakers] It's called a Zig Zag Cabinet. I designed it myself. [Monk starts to examine the Zig Zag Cabinet more closely] Please step away from the cabinet, Mr. Monk. Secrets of the trade, you know.
[Monk and Natalie spot a machine producing fog in the other room. After a few seconds, the camera angle switches to show that Torini has magically popped into existence behind them. He clears his throat, and they both turn around]
Natalie Teeger: How did you do that?
Karl Torini: Misdirection, Ms. Teeger. The secret to every illusion - making the audience look where they shouldn't be looking. [faces them] For example. [conjures a coin out of thin air]
Natalie Teeger: OW!
Adrian Monk: OK, this one might be real. Don't play with this one.
Natalie Teeger: All right, I won't.
[Monk notices something nearby]
Adrian Monk: What is that? [He walks over to the cabinet to examine it, and suddenly Torini's voice comes booming over the loudspeaker]
Karl Torini: [over the speakers] It's called a Zig Zag Cabinet. I designed it myself. [Monk starts to examine the Zig Zag Cabinet more closely] Please step away from the cabinet, Mr. Monk. Secrets of the trade, you know.
[Monk and Natalie spot a machine producing fog in the other room. After a few seconds, the camera angle switches to show that Torini has magically popped into existence behind them. He clears his throat, and they both turn around]
Natalie Teeger: How did you do that?
Karl Torini: Misdirection, Ms. Teeger. The secret to every illusion - making the audience look where they shouldn't be looking. [faces them] For example. [conjures a coin out of thin air]
TV Show: Monk
Lt. Randall Disher: [Eating a hot dog] What's that, beef or pork?
Vendor Al: We use "meat". [makes air quotes with his fingers]
Natalie Teeger: Wh— why do you say it like that?
George Gionopolis: We are required by law to put it in quotes.
Vendor Al: We use "meat". [makes air quotes with his fingers]
Natalie Teeger: Wh— why do you say it like that?
George Gionopolis: We are required by law to put it in quotes.
TV Show: Monk
[about two murdered tourists]
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, well, they were tourists. Probably German.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Really? Why do you say that?
Lt. Randall Disher: Because they were German.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, well, they were tourists. Probably German.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Really? Why do you say that?
Lt. Randall Disher: Because they were German.
TV Show: Monk
Lt. Randall Disher: [examining the bodies of two dead tourists] I, uh, talked to a clerk at a hotel. They were staying downtown at the Best Western. He said that they were a pretty quiet couple.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, they look pretty quiet.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, but they weren't this quiet. I mean, before last night they were just regular quiet, like, when they checked into the hotel.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, I know what you mean. I was trying to be wry.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, sorry, my bad. Do you want to say it again?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, they look pretty quiet.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, but they weren't this quiet. I mean, before last night they were just regular quiet, like, when they checked into the hotel.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, I know what you mean. I was trying to be wry.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, sorry, my bad. Do you want to say it again?
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: [in an unsanitary hot dog factory] I was buried alive once.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I remember.
Adrian Monk: I was in a box. I was underground for three hours. And that box is now the second-most frightening place I've ever been.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I remember.
Adrian Monk: I was in a box. I was underground for three hours. And that box is now the second-most frightening place I've ever been.
TV Show: Monk
[Harold opens a city hall meeting by speaking about the late Councilwoman Eileen Hill]
Harold Krenshaw: As you all know, we lost a dear friend this week. Eileen Hill's body was discovered earlier this morning. Let us pray that the San Francisco police catch her killer and bring him or her to justice. Or if they don't catch him, let us pray that Eileen's murder was the work of a random nut job, or frustrated ex-boyfriend, and not some kind of masked vigilante who, for some reason, has a personal vendetta against the city council, and is determined to slaughter us, one member at a time, picking us off when we least expect it, using a different, yet somehow appropriate method for each of his grisly killings! Amen.
Harold Krenshaw: As you all know, we lost a dear friend this week. Eileen Hill's body was discovered earlier this morning. Let us pray that the San Francisco police catch her killer and bring him or her to justice. Or if they don't catch him, let us pray that Eileen's murder was the work of a random nut job, or frustrated ex-boyfriend, and not some kind of masked vigilante who, for some reason, has a personal vendetta against the city council, and is determined to slaughter us, one member at a time, picking us off when we least expect it, using a different, yet somehow appropriate method for each of his grisly killings! Amen.
TV Show: Monk
[Harold is trying to figure out the identity of Monk's new therapist]
Harold Krenshaw: I'm talking about your new therapist, the mystery doctor, the genius you're always raving about. Who is he? Just tell me his name.
Adrian Monk: I can't tell you. It's privileged information.
Harold Krenshaw: No, it's not. What happens in the session is privileged. His name isn't privileged. People recommend therapists everyday. Am I right, Natalie?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know. I'm just waiting for the conversation to be over.
Adrian Monk: Ok, fine. His name is doctor... Door.
Harold Krenshaw: Dr. Door? Is that the best you can do? I suppose if we were standing by that alarm you would've said "Dr. Bell".
[Natalie promptly spits water in Harold's face]
Natalie Teeger: Oh god, Harold! I'm so sorry!
Harold Krenshaw: I'm talking about your new therapist, the mystery doctor, the genius you're always raving about. Who is he? Just tell me his name.
Adrian Monk: I can't tell you. It's privileged information.
Harold Krenshaw: No, it's not. What happens in the session is privileged. His name isn't privileged. People recommend therapists everyday. Am I right, Natalie?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know. I'm just waiting for the conversation to be over.
Adrian Monk: Ok, fine. His name is doctor... Door.
Harold Krenshaw: Dr. Door? Is that the best you can do? I suppose if we were standing by that alarm you would've said "Dr. Bell".
[Natalie promptly spits water in Harold's face]
Natalie Teeger: Oh god, Harold! I'm so sorry!
TV Show: Monk
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Her former costar, Steven Dorn, declared 'Christine Rapp is dead to me."
Steven Dorn: That is a figure of speech.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "She's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp. Next time I run into her, I hope I'm driving a truck."
Adrian Monk: Did you say that? Why would you say that?
Steven Dorn: Because she's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp.
Steven Dorn: That is a figure of speech.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "She's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp. Next time I run into her, I hope I'm driving a truck."
Adrian Monk: Did you say that? Why would you say that?
Steven Dorn: Because she's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: Are you trying to impress that girl?
Lt. Randall Disher: What girl?
Natalie Teeger: The CSI tech. You think that's a quality she's looking for in a man? Do you think she's saying, "Why can't I meet an attractive 30-something nonsmoker who's oblivious to the stench of rotting flesh?"
Lt. Randall Disher: What girl?
Natalie Teeger: The CSI tech. You think that's a quality she's looking for in a man? Do you think she's saying, "Why can't I meet an attractive 30-something nonsmoker who's oblivious to the stench of rotting flesh?"
TV Show: Monk
[at a laundromat]
Adrian Monk: Okay, this is how we do our laundry in America. There are your whites.
Samuel Waingaya: My whites, excellent.
Adrian Monk: Your off-whites. Your off-off-whites. There are the primary colors, red, yellow, green, blue, and that’s indigo. Left socks, right socks. I’ve labeled them for you.
Samuel Waingaya: But in Nigeria, we just wash all of our socks together.
Adrian Monk: Well, I don’t like to judge people, but that’s wrong.
Samuel Waingaya: So you mean you separate everything? But how much is that going to cost?
Adrian Monk: $200.
Adrian Monk: Okay, this is how we do our laundry in America. There are your whites.
Samuel Waingaya: My whites, excellent.
Adrian Monk: Your off-whites. Your off-off-whites. There are the primary colors, red, yellow, green, blue, and that’s indigo. Left socks, right socks. I’ve labeled them for you.
Samuel Waingaya: But in Nigeria, we just wash all of our socks together.
Adrian Monk: Well, I don’t like to judge people, but that’s wrong.
Samuel Waingaya: So you mean you separate everything? But how much is that going to cost?
Adrian Monk: $200.
TV Show: Monk
Laundry Customer: Excuse me, are you using all the machines?
Samuel Waingaya: That's right.
Laundry Customer: But they're empty.
Samuel Waingaya: That is the pre-wash cleansing cycle.
Laundry Customer: The pre-wash what?
Samuel Waingaya: The cleansing cycle. If you are going to live here, you should learn some of the customs. [to Monk] Did you see that, with the finger? What does that mean.
Adrian Monk: That means "We're number one" and we should hurry.
Samuel Waingaya: That's right.
Laundry Customer: But they're empty.
Samuel Waingaya: That is the pre-wash cleansing cycle.
Laundry Customer: The pre-wash what?
Samuel Waingaya: The cleansing cycle. If you are going to live here, you should learn some of the customs. [to Monk] Did you see that, with the finger? What does that mean.
Adrian Monk: That means "We're number one" and we should hurry.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: You just walked around rearranging spoons and plates and sweeping up crumbs. Couldn't you have at least tried?
Adrian Monk: I tried. I smiled. I smiled a lot.
Natalie Teeger: You were wincing!
Adrian Monk: That's my smile. That's how I smile.
Adrian Monk: I tried. I smiled. I smiled a lot.
Natalie Teeger: You were wincing!
Adrian Monk: That's my smile. That's how I smile.
TV Show: Monk