Monk Quotes
[The team meets a police sergeant at an apartment]
Sergeant Steiner: Hey, Lieutenant.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is this a crime scene?
Sergeant Steiner: I don't know, I think so. I don't know what the hell this is.
Lt. Randall Disher: Just tell them what you told me. [Steiner produces a newspaper article headlined "Lightning Kills Golfer"]
Sergeant Steiner: Okay, remember this from a few days ago? There was thunder and lightning, the guy kept golfing? Remember how you said what a jerk the guy was and how he single-handedly proved Darwin's theory?
Adrian Monk: What about it?
Sergeant Steiner: Well the guy's name is Ralph Farris, okay? This is his place. He doesn't have any family, so this morning the super comes in and starts packing up...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And what?
Sergeant Steiner: And this. [shows them the second doll]
Sergeant Steiner: Hey, Lieutenant.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is this a crime scene?
Sergeant Steiner: I don't know, I think so. I don't know what the hell this is.
Lt. Randall Disher: Just tell them what you told me. [Steiner produces a newspaper article headlined "Lightning Kills Golfer"]
Sergeant Steiner: Okay, remember this from a few days ago? There was thunder and lightning, the guy kept golfing? Remember how you said what a jerk the guy was and how he single-handedly proved Darwin's theory?
Adrian Monk: What about it?
Sergeant Steiner: Well the guy's name is Ralph Farris, okay? This is his place. He doesn't have any family, so this morning the super comes in and starts packing up...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And what?
Sergeant Steiner: And this. [shows them the second doll]
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher look at the doll sent to Ralph Farris]
Natalie Teeger: There's a lightning bolt coming out of its head?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it's his neck. [They use a set of tweezers to unfurl the paper lightning bolt] No you're right, it's his head.
Natalie Teeger: Now do you believe me?
Natalie Teeger: There's a lightning bolt coming out of its head?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it's his neck. [They use a set of tweezers to unfurl the paper lightning bolt] No you're right, it's his head.
Natalie Teeger: Now do you believe me?
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer and Disher visit Reverend Hadley Jorgenson's Voodoo Boutique]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whoa, look at this place. It's like Halloween the year round.
Lt. Randall Disher: Lucky bath crystals.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Incense powder. [looks at another potion] Money powder. Guaranteed to cure all financial woes.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, you should buy it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. I can't afford it. [He looks around the store a little more and finds a red bottle of potion] Cupid's Arrow.
Lt. Randall Disher: Love potion. [Stottlemeyer dabs a little Cupid's Arrow onto his cheeks and his neck] It's not working.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whoa, look at this place. It's like Halloween the year round.
Lt. Randall Disher: Lucky bath crystals.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Incense powder. [looks at another potion] Money powder. Guaranteed to cure all financial woes.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, you should buy it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. I can't afford it. [He looks around the store a little more and finds a red bottle of potion] Cupid's Arrow.
Lt. Randall Disher: Love potion. [Stottlemeyer dabs a little Cupid's Arrow onto his cheeks and his neck] It's not working.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good.
TV Show: Monk
Lt. Randall Disher: Could be a serial killer. He's killing people according to their phobias. This guy was afraid of heights, so he pushed him off the roof.
Adrian Monk: Augie wasn't afraid of heights. He was afraid of spiders.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's different. He's killing people using the opposite of their phobias. The Opposite Killer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So you're saying the opposite of a spider is a tall building?
Lt. Randall Disher: What do you think the opposite of a spider?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I have no idea, but it's not a tall building.
Lt. Randall Disher: Hmm, tell that to the Opposite Killer.
Natalie Teeger: Are you crying?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I have allergies.
Adrian Monk: Augie wasn't afraid of heights. He was afraid of spiders.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's different. He's killing people using the opposite of their phobias. The Opposite Killer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So you're saying the opposite of a spider is a tall building?
Lt. Randall Disher: What do you think the opposite of a spider?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I have no idea, but it's not a tall building.
Lt. Randall Disher: Hmm, tell that to the Opposite Killer.
Natalie Teeger: Are you crying?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I have allergies.
TV Show: Monk
Lt. Randall Disher: It's him. The Opposite Killer. That's his M.O.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is no "Opposite Killer"! If there was, you would have been killed by a falling rocket scientist years ago!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is no "Opposite Killer"! If there was, you would have been killed by a falling rocket scientist years ago!
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer and Disher question Reverend Jorgensen]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Reverend Jorgensen? My name is Leland Stottlemeyer-
Lt. Randall Disher: So is mine. We'd like to ask you a couple of questions about your merchandise.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [turns to those waiting in line] Uh, we're gonna be a while. Thank you.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: I've been talking to you guys all week, and I'm all talked out.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well that's unfortunate, because there was another incident, yesterday.
Lt. Randall Disher: Did you sell this doll? [produces an evidence bag containing the doll sent to Robert Boyd]
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Probably. Looks like mine.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well you're three-for-three because all three dolls came from your shop.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Give me a break. I can't be responsible for how my dolls are used.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Listen, uh, did you take out this advertisement? [produces a full-page advertisement from the newspaper reading "Reverend Jorgensen's Voodoo Boutique: Home of the Killer Voodoo Dolls"]
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Yeah. There's nothing wrong about it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Could be a motive.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: A motive?
Lt. Randall Disher: Publicity. You seem very busy around here.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: You think I killed all those people for publicity? How? How did I do that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Reverend Jorgensen? My name is Leland Stottlemeyer-
Lt. Randall Disher: So is mine. We'd like to ask you a couple of questions about your merchandise.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [turns to those waiting in line] Uh, we're gonna be a while. Thank you.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: I've been talking to you guys all week, and I'm all talked out.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well that's unfortunate, because there was another incident, yesterday.
Lt. Randall Disher: Did you sell this doll? [produces an evidence bag containing the doll sent to Robert Boyd]
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Probably. Looks like mine.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well you're three-for-three because all three dolls came from your shop.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Give me a break. I can't be responsible for how my dolls are used.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Listen, uh, did you take out this advertisement? [produces a full-page advertisement from the newspaper reading "Reverend Jorgensen's Voodoo Boutique: Home of the Killer Voodoo Dolls"]
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Yeah. There's nothing wrong about it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Could be a motive.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: A motive?
Lt. Randall Disher: Publicity. You seem very busy around here.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: You think I killed all those people for publicity? How? How did I do that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know.
TV Show: Monk
[Jorgenson does a cleansing ritual on Natalie]
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Mr. Monk, if you would be so kind as to reattach it's head. Here's some adhesive. [He hands the two materials to Monk while creating the potion] Some witchgrass. Some coltsfoot. Ah. Mandrake root. Smidgen more. All I need now is the doll. [Monk continues trying to get the doll's head centered]
Adrian Monk: Okay, one second.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It doesn't have to be perfect.
Adrian Monk: Almost done.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It's symbolic, really.
Adrian Monk: There we go.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: The forces of darkness are gathering.
Adrian Monk: Hold on.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It doesn't have to be perfect!
Adrian Monk: Wait a second.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It doesn't have to be perfect.
Adrian Monk: One second, almost done.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Doesn't...
Adrian Monk: Wait one second.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, please, just let him finish!
Adrian Monk: Hold on...
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: She's suffering, Mr. Monk. It doesn't have to be... okay, that's close enough. [grabs the doll from Monk]
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Mr. Monk, if you would be so kind as to reattach it's head. Here's some adhesive. [He hands the two materials to Monk while creating the potion] Some witchgrass. Some coltsfoot. Ah. Mandrake root. Smidgen more. All I need now is the doll. [Monk continues trying to get the doll's head centered]
Adrian Monk: Okay, one second.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It doesn't have to be perfect.
Adrian Monk: Almost done.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It's symbolic, really.
Adrian Monk: There we go.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: The forces of darkness are gathering.
Adrian Monk: Hold on.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It doesn't have to be perfect!
Adrian Monk: Wait a second.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It doesn't have to be perfect.
Adrian Monk: One second, almost done.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Doesn't...
Adrian Monk: Wait one second.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, please, just let him finish!
Adrian Monk: Hold on...
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: She's suffering, Mr. Monk. It doesn't have to be... okay, that's close enough. [grabs the doll from Monk]
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie accidentally drinks the bad potion]
Reverend Jorgensen: What did you do?!?
Natalie Teeger: What?
Reverend Jorgensen: Did you drink that?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, you said it was ready.
Reverend Jorgensen: You're supposed to rub it on your neck. What, are you mental?
Adrian Monk: What do we do?
Reverend Jorgensen: What? 911. 911! 911!
Adrian Monk: Another chant?
Reverend Jorgensen: No! Call 911!
Reverend Jorgensen: What did you do?!?
Natalie Teeger: What?
Reverend Jorgensen: Did you drink that?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, you said it was ready.
Reverend Jorgensen: You're supposed to rub it on your neck. What, are you mental?
Adrian Monk: What do we do?
Reverend Jorgensen: What? 911. 911! 911!
Adrian Monk: Another chant?
Reverend Jorgensen: No! Call 911!
TV Show: Monk
[Jorgensen and Monk are waiting for the ambulance]
Reverend Jorgensen: Maybe we should induce vomiting?
Adrian Monk: No! No. No, no, no, no, no. Let's call that plan never-do.
Reverend Jorgensen: Maybe we should induce vomiting?
Adrian Monk: No! No. No, no, no, no, no. Let's call that plan never-do.
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer notices that Monk is less superstitious about voodoo than Natalie is]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wait, let me get my head around this: you are the level-headed, brave one now?
Lt. Randall Disher: [looking out the window] She's shaking her head.
Adrian Monk: It's this voodoo stuff. She believes it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I can't really blame her. We've all got the heebie-jeebies. Say hello to Doll #3. [Monk looks at the doll]
Adrian Monk: Heart attack.
Lt. Randall Disher: Victim #3, Robert Boyd, 64. Guy was a big fish, he owned Boyd Teletronics, you know, the cell phone company? [He points to Angeline a few feet away] According to his niece, Angeline Dilworth - that's her over there - she's been worried about him, especially this past week.
Adrian Monk: Why's that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Apparently he was obsessed with the voodoo killings. He was watching the news, following the case.
Lt. Randall Disher: He's real superstitious.
Adrian Monk: So I see.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So this morning, he goes to collect the mail, including this box-
Lt. Randall Disher: Same as the others - it was postmarked three days ago, no return address. He opens the box, sees the doll, Bob's your uncle, his heart just stopped.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ' "Bob's your uncle"? That doesn't sound right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wait, let me get my head around this: you are the level-headed, brave one now?
Lt. Randall Disher: [looking out the window] She's shaking her head.
Adrian Monk: It's this voodoo stuff. She believes it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I can't really blame her. We've all got the heebie-jeebies. Say hello to Doll #3. [Monk looks at the doll]
Adrian Monk: Heart attack.
Lt. Randall Disher: Victim #3, Robert Boyd, 64. Guy was a big fish, he owned Boyd Teletronics, you know, the cell phone company? [He points to Angeline a few feet away] According to his niece, Angeline Dilworth - that's her over there - she's been worried about him, especially this past week.
Adrian Monk: Why's that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Apparently he was obsessed with the voodoo killings. He was watching the news, following the case.
Lt. Randall Disher: He's real superstitious.
Adrian Monk: So I see.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So this morning, he goes to collect the mail, including this box-
Lt. Randall Disher: Same as the others - it was postmarked three days ago, no return address. He opens the box, sees the doll, Bob's your uncle, his heart just stopped.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ' "Bob's your uncle"? That doesn't sound right.
TV Show: Monk
[The police station is swarming with activity. A detective drops a box on Stottlemeyer's desk as Stottlemeyer talks on the phone]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No-no-no-no, no toche la muneca["Do not touch the doll"], you understand me? Do not touch la muneca! Don't touch anything! [he listens] Look, we'll have an officer there in 20 minutes! [He hangs up and turns to Monk] I told the Mayor not to go public; now we've got fifty copycats out there, half the town is getting voodoo dolls in the mail and all of them want a squad car in their driveway!
Adrian Monk: Yeah but these are the four; the only four that count. [He walks over to a bulletin board containing photos (from left to right) of Natalie, Martha Murphy, Robert Boyd, and Ralph Farris, with each person's respective doll being placed underneath their head shot] The same wrapping paper, same handwriting. That's strange: he doesn't write the address on the boxes. He uses these labels. [He scans the address labels]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's the damndest thing, huh?
Adrian Monk: What about the victims? Is there any connection?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. No, the FBI's been running their names all day. There's no connection, oh and here's some more bad news: our primary suspect - our only suspect - is not gonna fly. [He removes from the board a photograph of Reverend Jorgensen]
Adrian Monk: Hmmm, the guy who was selling all the dolls?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Reverend Jorgensen. He's got an alibi for all three victims.
Adrian Monk: And now Natalie.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And now Natalie. How's she doing?
Adrian Monk: Uh, scared to death. I just talked to Randy; she hasn't gotten off the couch all day. Now he says she's wearing one of
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No-no-no-no, no toche la muneca["Do not touch the doll"], you understand me? Do not touch la muneca! Don't touch anything! [he listens] Look, we'll have an officer there in 20 minutes! [He hangs up and turns to Monk] I told the Mayor not to go public; now we've got fifty copycats out there, half the town is getting voodoo dolls in the mail and all of them want a squad car in their driveway!
Adrian Monk: Yeah but these are the four; the only four that count. [He walks over to a bulletin board containing photos (from left to right) of Natalie, Martha Murphy, Robert Boyd, and Ralph Farris, with each person's respective doll being placed underneath their head shot] The same wrapping paper, same handwriting. That's strange: he doesn't write the address on the boxes. He uses these labels. [He scans the address labels]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's the damndest thing, huh?
Adrian Monk: What about the victims? Is there any connection?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. No, the FBI's been running their names all day. There's no connection, oh and here's some more bad news: our primary suspect - our only suspect - is not gonna fly. [He removes from the board a photograph of Reverend Jorgensen]
Adrian Monk: Hmmm, the guy who was selling all the dolls?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Reverend Jorgensen. He's got an alibi for all three victims.
Adrian Monk: And now Natalie.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And now Natalie. How's she doing?
Adrian Monk: Uh, scared to death. I just talked to Randy; she hasn't gotten off the couch all day. Now he says she's wearing one of
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: I am not giving up, Mr. Monk. You are officially on notice. I am throwing you a party.
Adrian Monk: As a matter of fact, you are not.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, yes I am. We're going to have balloons and cake and dancing!
Adrian Monk: Oh, for the love of God, why?
Natalie Teeger: Because, Mr. Monk, it's your birthday, and whether you like it or not, you have friends who love you and want to celebrate your life. We're happy you were born.
Adrian Monk: You are so cruel.
[They see a small sheet on a stretcher covering what remains of Bradley Foster]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God! Where's the rest of him? [Stottlemeyer and some other cops come up from beneath the compactor]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's all there is [of him].
Natalie Teeger: But he's all... squished!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His name was Bradley Foster; he was the maintenance man. Apparently he fell into the trash compactor.
Lt. Randall Disher: We've sent a guy to check the parking lot for his car.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'd look for a compact. [The other cops burst out laughing]
Natalie Teeger: That's not funny!
Uniformed Cop #2: Hey did you see what he was wearing? Those aren't briefs; they're more like boxers! [more laughter]
Adrian Monk: As a matter of fact, you are not.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, yes I am. We're going to have balloons and cake and dancing!
Adrian Monk: Oh, for the love of God, why?
Natalie Teeger: Because, Mr. Monk, it's your birthday, and whether you like it or not, you have friends who love you and want to celebrate your life. We're happy you were born.
Adrian Monk: You are so cruel.
[They see a small sheet on a stretcher covering what remains of Bradley Foster]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God! Where's the rest of him? [Stottlemeyer and some other cops come up from beneath the compactor]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's all there is [of him].
Natalie Teeger: But he's all... squished!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His name was Bradley Foster; he was the maintenance man. Apparently he fell into the trash compactor.
Lt. Randall Disher: We've sent a guy to check the parking lot for his car.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'd look for a compact. [The other cops burst out laughing]
Natalie Teeger: That's not funny!
Uniformed Cop #2: Hey did you see what he was wearing? Those aren't briefs; they're more like boxers! [more laughter]
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher track down Richard Meckler at a public demonstration of the Laser Vac Self Cleaning Vaccum, advertised on a sign as the first of its kind]
Richard Meckler: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Richard Meckler. I'm a patent attorney. Now I must hear a thousand bad ideas every year. And believe me, I've met every nut job in northern California. But when Kurt Pressman walked into my office five months ago with this invention [pulls off a canvas to reveal the vaccum], the world's first self-cleaning vaccum cleaner, I just knew I wanted to be a part of it. Let's bring Kurt on up right now; he can tell you all about it. [Pressman gets up from his seat and goes up on stage] Kurt Pressman, ladies and gentlemen.
Adrian Monk: Self cleaning vaccum. Do I wake or do I dream?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk.
Richard Meckler: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Richard Meckler. I'm a patent attorney. Now I must hear a thousand bad ideas every year. And believe me, I've met every nut job in northern California. But when Kurt Pressman walked into my office five months ago with this invention [pulls off a canvas to reveal the vaccum], the world's first self-cleaning vaccum cleaner, I just knew I wanted to be a part of it. Let's bring Kurt on up right now; he can tell you all about it. [Pressman gets up from his seat and goes up on stage] Kurt Pressman, ladies and gentlemen.
Adrian Monk: Self cleaning vaccum. Do I wake or do I dream?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk.
TV Show: Monk
[The team is searching Bradley Foster's apartment]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me, but do I have to remind both of you that two nights ago the guy who lived here got torn apart in a trash compactor?
Natalie Teeger: I bet he was "surprised"!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Monk] I know she's been trying to throw you a party, and, um, she's going to. Oh, she's gonna get you.
Natalie Teeger: I'm gonna get you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But this is a murder victim's place of residence. Do you honestly think she would do it here?
Adrian Monk: No. No, I don't. And that is precisely why I do. And because I do, I don't. So yes, I do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me, but do I have to remind both of you that two nights ago the guy who lived here got torn apart in a trash compactor?
Natalie Teeger: I bet he was "surprised"!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Monk] I know she's been trying to throw you a party, and, um, she's going to. Oh, she's gonna get you.
Natalie Teeger: I'm gonna get you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But this is a murder victim's place of residence. Do you honestly think she would do it here?
Adrian Monk: No. No, I don't. And that is precisely why I do. And because I do, I don't. So yes, I do.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer, Disher, and T.K. are recreating the murder of Richard Meckler]
Lt. Randall Disher: A blow dart, you know, a poison dart.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What happened to the dart? It would have been sticking in his neck.
Lt. Randall Disher: Not necessarily. There could have been a long elastic wire attached to the blowdart. They're called dartarangs.
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: How do you know they're called dartarangs?
Lt. Randall Disher: Because they're probably called dartarangs. Or at least that's what they should be called.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [whispers to T.K.] Just nod your head and say maybe.
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: Maybe.
Lt. Randall Disher: A blow dart, you know, a poison dart.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What happened to the dart? It would have been sticking in his neck.
Lt. Randall Disher: Not necessarily. There could have been a long elastic wire attached to the blowdart. They're called dartarangs.
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: How do you know they're called dartarangs?
Lt. Randall Disher: Because they're probably called dartarangs. Or at least that's what they should be called.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [whispers to T.K.] Just nod your head and say maybe.
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: Maybe.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie are being followed by a Cadillac Escalade]
Adrian Monk: We're being followed.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God. What do I do? [The car phone rings; Stottlemeyer's name appears on the display] It's the Captain. [They answer]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you guys okay?
Natalie Teeger: We're being followed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is it a black SUV?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nevada plates?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, stay calm. We just got word that someone put out a $20,000 contract on your life.
Adrian Monk: We're being followed.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God. What do I do? [The car phone rings; Stottlemeyer's name appears on the display] It's the Captain. [They answer]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you guys okay?
Natalie Teeger: We're being followed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is it a black SUV?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nevada plates?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, stay calm. We just got word that someone put out a $20,000 contract on your life.
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer warns Monk about how working with both Natalie and Sharona is dangerous]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're gonna have a breakdown. I love Natalie. And I love Sharona, too. They're both wonderful women. You got lucky twice. But together, they're like bourbon and vodka: I love them both, but I can't have them at the same meal because they don't mix. These women are so different, Monk. They're going to tear you apart like a piece of saltwater taffy.
Adrian Monk: I know, I've been a piece of taffy all day. Natalie's been acting like Mary, Queen of Scots. She wants more money. I mean, she won't lay down in the dirt when I ask her. I'm losing her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And it's only gonna get worse.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're gonna have a breakdown. I love Natalie. And I love Sharona, too. They're both wonderful women. You got lucky twice. But together, they're like bourbon and vodka: I love them both, but I can't have them at the same meal because they don't mix. These women are so different, Monk. They're going to tear you apart like a piece of saltwater taffy.
Adrian Monk: I know, I've been a piece of taffy all day. Natalie's been acting like Mary, Queen of Scots. She wants more money. I mean, she won't lay down in the dirt when I ask her. I'm losing her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And it's only gonna get worse.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Natalie and Sharona try to argue as to the best way up to Perry Walsh's ninth floor apartment]
Natalie Teeger: How about this? It's the ninth floor, right? [bangs on the elevator call button] Let's take the elevator up to four and then walk up five flights.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that sounds fair.
Sharona Fleming: Or we take the elevator up to level five and walk four flights.
Adrian Monk: Can't argue with that.
Sharona Fleming: You treat him like a child.
Natalie Teeger: He's not a child.
Sharona Fleming: I did not say he's a child. I said you're treating him like a child.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, I'm being supportive.
Sharona Fleming: No, you're not being supportive. You're enabling him. [Monk interrupts]
Adrian Monk: Okay, here's what we gonna do. We're going to take the elevator up to 18 and walk down nine flights. That way everybody's miserable. [as a consequence, they show up at Walsh's apartment practically out of breath]
Natalie Teeger: How about this? It's the ninth floor, right? [bangs on the elevator call button] Let's take the elevator up to four and then walk up five flights.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that sounds fair.
Sharona Fleming: Or we take the elevator up to level five and walk four flights.
Adrian Monk: Can't argue with that.
Sharona Fleming: You treat him like a child.
Natalie Teeger: He's not a child.
Sharona Fleming: I did not say he's a child. I said you're treating him like a child.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, I'm being supportive.
Sharona Fleming: No, you're not being supportive. You're enabling him. [Monk interrupts]
Adrian Monk: Okay, here's what we gonna do. We're going to take the elevator up to 18 and walk down nine flights. That way everybody's miserable. [as a consequence, they show up at Walsh's apartment practically out of breath]
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: Well, he can't go too far. He can't sleep without his Trudy pillow.
Sharona Fleming: Or that special red toothbrush.
Natalie Teeger: Or his little flossing kit.
Sharona Fleming: Or the sound machine with that foghorn noise.
Natalie Teeger: Actually, that one broke. And they discontinued the model.
Sharona Fleming: Really? What did you do?
Natalie Teeger: I went out and bought an actual foghorn and made my own tape. [blushes] I'm not kidding. I have an actual foghorn sitting in my garage.
Sharona Fleming: Or that special red toothbrush.
Natalie Teeger: Or his little flossing kit.
Sharona Fleming: Or the sound machine with that foghorn noise.
Natalie Teeger: Actually, that one broke. And they discontinued the model.
Sharona Fleming: Really? What did you do?
Natalie Teeger: I went out and bought an actual foghorn and made my own tape. [blushes] I'm not kidding. I have an actual foghorn sitting in my garage.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie are in the law firm's waiting room. Monk is reading a magazine]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Not now. [Natalie grabs the magazine from him]
Natalie Teeger: You paid her $20 a week more than me.
Adrian Monk: She had a kid.
Natalie Teeger: I have a kid!
Adrian Monk: Her kid ate more.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Not now. [Natalie grabs the magazine from him]
Natalie Teeger: You paid her $20 a week more than me.
Adrian Monk: She had a kid.
Natalie Teeger: I have a kid!
Adrian Monk: Her kid ate more.
TV Show: Monk
[As they travel across the golf course to find Perry Walsh, Sharona notes that Natalie always refers to Monk as "Mr. Monk"]
Sharona Fleming: Do you mind if she calls you Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Of course not. Why would I mind?
Natalie Teeger: Okay. Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, see I don't like it either.
Natalie Teeger: Me neither.
Sharona Fleming: Do you mind if she calls you Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Of course not. Why would I mind?
Natalie Teeger: Okay. Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, see I don't like it either.
Natalie Teeger: Me neither.
TV Show: Monk
[DeWitt has nearly tried to kill Shelby and Monk is telling Stottlemeyer about this]
Lt. Randall Disher: Now he's afraid that she'll identify him.
Adrian Monk: How?
Lt. Randall Disher: She could bark at him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, as far as I know, in the State of California, dogs are not allowed to testify in open court.
Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe DeWitt's afraid they'll change the rule.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Change the rule against dogs testifying in court?
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know, one of those referendums. It is California.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You want to know how tired I am? I'm so tired I don't even know if that makes sense.
Lt. Randall Disher: Now he's afraid that she'll identify him.
Adrian Monk: How?
Lt. Randall Disher: She could bark at him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, as far as I know, in the State of California, dogs are not allowed to testify in open court.
Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe DeWitt's afraid they'll change the rule.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Change the rule against dogs testifying in court?
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know, one of those referendums. It is California.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You want to know how tired I am? I'm so tired I don't even know if that makes sense.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: [examining a painting] Could be a lover?
Adrian Monk: How do you figure?
Natalie Teeger: Well, he's naked, and, uh... lower right corner?
Adrian Monk: Oh. Oh! Oh, I thought that was the signature.
Adrian Monk: How do you figure?
Natalie Teeger: Well, he's naked, and, uh... lower right corner?
Adrian Monk: Oh. Oh! Oh, I thought that was the signature.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: [about Shelby] This dog is really, really smart. I've been teaching her tricks.
Lt. Randall Disher: Like?
Adrian Monk: Oh, like not to lick me, not to drool, not to roll over, not to, you know, discharge anything.
Lt. Randall Disher: Like?
Adrian Monk: Oh, like not to lick me, not to drool, not to roll over, not to, you know, discharge anything.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie: It's not too late to back out.
Monk: Oh no, I am doing this, I am playing the game.
Natalie: Well, at least try to have some fun.
Monk: Natalie, it's a game; it's not supposed to be fun.
Monk: Oh no, I am doing this, I am playing the game.
Natalie: Well, at least try to have some fun.
Monk: Natalie, it's a game; it's not supposed to be fun.
TV Show: Monk
Monk: I don't know how you do it.
Randy: What's that?
Monk: How you take it. People joke around, tease you, you never get mad or upset.
Randy: Mmm, it used to bother me when I was coming up in uniform. I heard people laughing, telling Randy Disher stories. And it hurt, you know? I almost quit.
Monk: What happened?
Randy: One night I got a call - a P-300 downtown. There was a bumper sticker on one of the cars, and it said, "Happiness is a choice." I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but it changed my life. I mean, I made a decision right there. I chose to be happy. I mean, I really believe that. I mean, you have the power. You can choose to be happy.
Monk: I guess I should read more bumper stickers.
Randy: [yawning] Everybody should. Okay, it's late. I'm gonna to go sack out.
Monk: Yeah, good night.
Randy: See you in the morning.
Monk: Wait a minute. P-300? Isn't that a fatality?
Randy: Yeah, it was pretty ugly. The driver hit a tractor-trailer head on. He and his wife were both DOA [Dead on arrival].
Monk: And this was the car that had the bumper sticker, "Happiness is a choice"?
Randy: Yeah, that's right. Well, actually, it was on fire when I got there, so it was hard to read.
Monk: And this didn't deter you or make you think twice?
Randy: [shrugs] It was an epiphany, Monk. You can't just choose where you get it. I mean it could come from a guru on a mountaintop, or it could be from a bumper sticker on a burning Subaru.
Randy: What's that?
Monk: How you take it. People joke around, tease you, you never get mad or upset.
Randy: Mmm, it used to bother me when I was coming up in uniform. I heard people laughing, telling Randy Disher stories. And it hurt, you know? I almost quit.
Monk: What happened?
Randy: One night I got a call - a P-300 downtown. There was a bumper sticker on one of the cars, and it said, "Happiness is a choice." I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but it changed my life. I mean, I made a decision right there. I chose to be happy. I mean, I really believe that. I mean, you have the power. You can choose to be happy.
Monk: I guess I should read more bumper stickers.
Randy: [yawning] Everybody should. Okay, it's late. I'm gonna to go sack out.
Monk: Yeah, good night.
Randy: See you in the morning.
Monk: Wait a minute. P-300? Isn't that a fatality?
Randy: Yeah, it was pretty ugly. The driver hit a tractor-trailer head on. He and his wife were both DOA [Dead on arrival].
Monk: And this was the car that had the bumper sticker, "Happiness is a choice"?
Randy: Yeah, that's right. Well, actually, it was on fire when I got there, so it was hard to read.
Monk: And this didn't deter you or make you think twice?
Randy: [shrugs] It was an epiphany, Monk. You can't just choose where you get it. I mean it could come from a guru on a mountaintop, or it could be from a bumper sticker on a burning Subaru.
TV Show: Monk
Disher: I'm taking four kids camping this weekend. It's going to be so much fun. Everybody's going to get a badge.
Monk: Almost everybody.
Disher: Hey, do you want to come? I could use the help.
Stottlemeyer: Eh, no.
Disher: Do you have plans?
Stottlemeyer: No.
Disher: You're not feeling well?
Stottlemeyer: No.
Disher: Well, I hope you feel better
Monk: Almost everybody.
Disher: Hey, do you want to come? I could use the help.
Stottlemeyer: Eh, no.
Disher: Do you have plans?
Stottlemeyer: No.
Disher: You're not feeling well?
Stottlemeyer: No.
Disher: Well, I hope you feel better
TV Show: Monk
[Disher and other cops are looking over a burned corpse found in Colin Park]
Lt. Randall Disher: You all right?
Rookie Cop: [dry-heaving] Yes, sir. I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I've never seen anything like it. Think they killed him first?
Lt. Randall Disher: God, I hope so. Peters, any I.D. at all? Fingerprints, anything?
Forensic Tech: [grimacing] You need fingers for fingerprints.
[Stottlemeyer arrives at the scene]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [singing] "Heaven, I'm in heaven, and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak." [to patrol officer] How you doin'? [singing to himself] "And I finally found the happiness I seek..." [to another patrol officer] Hey, there, Kevin, you look good! You losing weight? Good deal. [singing to himself] "When we're up together, dancing cheek to cheek..." [to Disher]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, I smell ribs!
Lt. Randall Disher: [grimacing] It is ribs. You're in a good mood.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm a great mood. I'm getting married in nine days.
Lt. Randall Disher: You all right?
Rookie Cop: [dry-heaving] Yes, sir. I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I've never seen anything like it. Think they killed him first?
Lt. Randall Disher: God, I hope so. Peters, any I.D. at all? Fingerprints, anything?
Forensic Tech: [grimacing] You need fingers for fingerprints.
[Stottlemeyer arrives at the scene]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [singing] "Heaven, I'm in heaven, and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak." [to patrol officer] How you doin'? [singing to himself] "And I finally found the happiness I seek..." [to another patrol officer] Hey, there, Kevin, you look good! You losing weight? Good deal. [singing to himself] "When we're up together, dancing cheek to cheek..." [to Disher]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, I smell ribs!
Lt. Randall Disher: [grimacing] It is ribs. You're in a good mood.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm a great mood. I'm getting married in nine days.
TV Show: Monk