Monk Quotes
[after the season ends, and Scott has failed to break a famous record]
Scott Gregorio: ...But I would like to say something. I met a man recently. He's become a good friend. He reminded me that there are things in life much more important than baseball. What matters most, is the people you love. Being true to them, or their memories. That's the real ball game. My friend isn't giving up on that, and neither am I. I'll see you all in spring training.
Scott Gregorio: ...But I would like to say something. I met a man recently. He's become a good friend. He reminded me that there are things in life much more important than baseball. What matters most, is the people you love. Being true to them, or their memories. That's the real ball game. My friend isn't giving up on that, and neither am I. I'll see you all in spring training.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk has discovered that horse trainer Arianna Dakkar is preparing to become a U.S. citizen.]
Arianna Dakkar: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: That pamphlet in your bag. [In Ariana's purse, we see a pamphlet that says "A Guide to the United States Constitution"] You're studying the U.S. Constitution — something no citizen would ever do.
Arianna Dakkar: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: That pamphlet in your bag. [In Ariana's purse, we see a pamphlet that says "A Guide to the United States Constitution"] You're studying the U.S. Constitution — something no citizen would ever do.
TV Show: Monk
Monk: I wanna make sure I understand this. I have a problem... you know the answer...
Dr. Kroger: That's right.
Monk: I'm paying you...
Dr. Kroger: That's right.
Monk: ...but you won't tell me.
Dr. Kroger: That's right. Adrian, the answer is inside you.
Monk: No, doctor, the... answer is inside you. If you told me, I would hear it, and then the answer would be inside me!
Dr. Kroger: That's right.
Monk: I'm paying you...
Dr. Kroger: That's right.
Monk: ...but you won't tell me.
Dr. Kroger: That's right. Adrian, the answer is inside you.
Monk: No, doctor, the... answer is inside you. If you told me, I would hear it, and then the answer would be inside me!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk summarizes the case, and a nearby clown imitates Monk and Stottlemeyer.]
Natasia Lovara: Like Tolstoy, you know how to tell a clever story, but you need proof. The elephant isn't talking. Anyone could have put that radio thing in her ear.
Stottlemeyer: Randy, take that thing down to the lab straight away.
[The clown motions Randy out.]
Monk: I don't think they'll find any prints. She's too smart. I'm sure she wiped it down...
[Natasia looks smug.]
Monk: Then again, that walkie looks brand new, which means she had to put batteries in it.
[The smug look fades.]
Monk: You did remember to wipe your prints off the batteries, didn't you, Natasia?
Clown: [Makes honking sound, forms a gun with hands] Wocka wocka!
Stottlemeyer: All right, that's it, freak. You're under arrest! [handcuffs the clown]
Clown: For what?!
Stottlemeyer: For impersonating an officer!
[Natasia manages to kick Monk in the shins and starts to make her getaway]
Natasia Lovara: Like Tolstoy, you know how to tell a clever story, but you need proof. The elephant isn't talking. Anyone could have put that radio thing in her ear.
Stottlemeyer: Randy, take that thing down to the lab straight away.
[The clown motions Randy out.]
Monk: I don't think they'll find any prints. She's too smart. I'm sure she wiped it down...
[Natasia looks smug.]
Monk: Then again, that walkie looks brand new, which means she had to put batteries in it.
[The smug look fades.]
Monk: You did remember to wipe your prints off the batteries, didn't you, Natasia?
Clown: [Makes honking sound, forms a gun with hands] Wocka wocka!
Stottlemeyer: All right, that's it, freak. You're under arrest! [handcuffs the clown]
Clown: For what?!
Stottlemeyer: For impersonating an officer!
[Natasia manages to kick Monk in the shins and starts to make her getaway]
TV Show: Monk
[Monk wants to go home a few minutes after they arrived]
Sharona: Oh, just suck it up.
Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up, I think it's your turn to suck it up.
Benjy: Hey, why don't you both suck it up?
Sharona: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Benjy: No.
Sharona: Well, you should. Come here.
Sharona: Oh, just suck it up.
Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up, I think it's your turn to suck it up.
Benjy: Hey, why don't you both suck it up?
Sharona: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Benjy: No.
Sharona: Well, you should. Come here.
TV Show: Monk
Leland Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, have you studied the room?
Monk: Yes, I have.
Leland Stottlemeyer: Have you formed an opinion about the cause of Miles Holling's death?
Monk: Yes, I have.
Leland Stottlemeyer: And what is your opinion, Adrian Monk?
Monk: He... was murdered. [into Stottlemeyer's cell phone] He was murdered, Karen.
Karen Stottlemeyer: I knew it!
Leland Stottlemeyer: Sweetheart? I'm gonna strangle Monk, and then I'll call you right back.
Monk: Yes, I have.
Leland Stottlemeyer: Have you formed an opinion about the cause of Miles Holling's death?
Monk: Yes, I have.
Leland Stottlemeyer: And what is your opinion, Adrian Monk?
Monk: He... was murdered. [into Stottlemeyer's cell phone] He was murdered, Karen.
Karen Stottlemeyer: I knew it!
Leland Stottlemeyer: Sweetheart? I'm gonna strangle Monk, and then I'll call you right back.
TV Show: Monk
Monk: So what do you think?
Stottlemeyer: Well, why ask me? My hippie wife's a much better cop than I am.
Monk: Don't say that.
Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't mind living in your shadow, Monk; you're a freak of nature.
Monk: Thank you.
Stottlemeyer: Well, why ask me? My hippie wife's a much better cop than I am.
Monk: Don't say that.
Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't mind living in your shadow, Monk; you're a freak of nature.
Monk: Thank you.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk jumps on top of the dining table to avoid a snake.]
Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights.
Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes: germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...
Stottlemeyer: Okay, okay — I don't need the entire list.
Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights.
Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes: germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...
Stottlemeyer: Okay, okay — I don't need the entire list.
TV Show: Monk
Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm going to say something I've wanted to say for a long time.
Monk: What is it?
Stottlemeyer: I just solved the case!
Monk: What is it?
Stottlemeyer: I just solved the case!
TV Show: Monk
Leland Stottlemeyer: You win. I give up.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Leland Stottlemeyer: First thing tomorrow, I am going to call the Vatican, and I am nominating your late wife, Trudy, for sainthood! Because you are IMPOSSIBLE!
Adrian Monk: The lines! They're all... diagonal! I have to live here!
Leland Stottlemeyer: FORGET ABOUT THE RUG! THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE RUG! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? You're the world's best marriage counselor! You could save every marriage in California! All people would have to do is live with you for two days! Two days, and they'd never complain about their spouse again!
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Leland Stottlemeyer: First thing tomorrow, I am going to call the Vatican, and I am nominating your late wife, Trudy, for sainthood! Because you are IMPOSSIBLE!
Adrian Monk: The lines! They're all... diagonal! I have to live here!
Leland Stottlemeyer: FORGET ABOUT THE RUG! THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE RUG! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? You're the world's best marriage counselor! You could save every marriage in California! All people would have to do is live with you for two days! Two days, and they'd never complain about their spouse again!
TV Show: Monk
Stottlemeyer: They call it a panic room. I know that's a difficult concept because, for you, every room is a panic room.
Monk: Thank you.
Stottlemeyer: If there's an intruder in the house, you run in there, you lock the door and wait for the cavalry.
Monk: Thank you.
Stottlemeyer: If there's an intruder in the house, you run in there, you lock the door and wait for the cavalry.
TV Show: Monk
[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]
Natalie: Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking through Adrian and Trudy's wedding album]
Monk: She was... wow.
Stottlemeyer: Beautiful.
Monk: I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
Stottlemeyer: That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.
Monk: She was... wow.
Stottlemeyer: Beautiful.
Monk: I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
Stottlemeyer: That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.
TV Show: Monk
[First lines; Monk and Sharona are watching Gail's performance]
Sharona Fleming: What do you think so far?
Adrian Monk: There’s no legroom. It’s so crowded.
Sharona Fleming: It’s supposed to be crowded. It’s sold out. You know, this play is going to New York. Can you believe it? My sister in an off-Broadway show?
Adrian Monk: So where is she?
Sharona Fleming: She’s in the next scene. She kills a guy.
Adrian Monk: I hope it’s the guy who designed these seats. [Gail enters]
Sharona Fleming: There she is. [From behind another door on stage, another actor, Hal Duncan, swings the door shut]
Hal Duncan: [as Bert] Hey, Cuz. You miss me? [He picks up an apple and tosses it from hand to hand] Hope you don’t mind. I let myself in.
Gail Fleming: But you’re supposed to be in jail.
Hal Duncan: It’s funny that phrase, “supposed to be”. I’m supposed to be in jail. You’re supposed to be waiting for me. A man can’t count on “supposed to be” the way he used to.
Gail Fleming: You know, my husband’s upstairs! If he hears you he’ll come down-
Hal Duncan: Your husband’s downtown drowning himself in scotch and soda! I saw him leave about an hour ago.
[Hal fusses with Gail’s blouse]
Gail Fleming: I’ve got some money in my purse. Why don’t you just take it and go?
Hal Duncan: You think I want your pocket change? You think that’s why I came back?! [Hal overturns the table, spilling all of its contents on the stage. Gail screams. She secretly pulls out a knife]
Hal Duncan: Who ordered the tossed salad? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I came back for what’s mine.
Gail Fleming: You know, if you don’t leave, I’ll—
Hal Duncan: You’l
Sharona Fleming: What do you think so far?
Adrian Monk: There’s no legroom. It’s so crowded.
Sharona Fleming: It’s supposed to be crowded. It’s sold out. You know, this play is going to New York. Can you believe it? My sister in an off-Broadway show?
Adrian Monk: So where is she?
Sharona Fleming: She’s in the next scene. She kills a guy.
Adrian Monk: I hope it’s the guy who designed these seats. [Gail enters]
Sharona Fleming: There she is. [From behind another door on stage, another actor, Hal Duncan, swings the door shut]
Hal Duncan: [as Bert] Hey, Cuz. You miss me? [He picks up an apple and tosses it from hand to hand] Hope you don’t mind. I let myself in.
Gail Fleming: But you’re supposed to be in jail.
Hal Duncan: It’s funny that phrase, “supposed to be”. I’m supposed to be in jail. You’re supposed to be waiting for me. A man can’t count on “supposed to be” the way he used to.
Gail Fleming: You know, my husband’s upstairs! If he hears you he’ll come down-
Hal Duncan: Your husband’s downtown drowning himself in scotch and soda! I saw him leave about an hour ago.
[Hal fusses with Gail’s blouse]
Gail Fleming: I’ve got some money in my purse. Why don’t you just take it and go?
Hal Duncan: You think I want your pocket change? You think that’s why I came back?! [Hal overturns the table, spilling all of its contents on the stage. Gail screams. She secretly pulls out a knife]
Hal Duncan: Who ordered the tossed salad? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I came back for what’s mine.
Gail Fleming: You know, if you don’t leave, I’ll—
Hal Duncan: You’l
TV Show: Monk
[Monk meets Sharona's mother]
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Fleming.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, no. Call me Cheryl.
Adrian Monk: Wipe?
Sharona Fleming: Not now.
Cheryl Fleming: Where’s Benjy? I brought him a new baseball glove.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, he’s not here. He’s sleeping over at a friend’s house.
Cheryl Fleming: You forgot I was coming, didn’t you? No, that’s all right. I understand. You’re probably so excited about the show. So, how was it last night? Tell me everything. How was Gail? Were there any reviews?
Sharona Fleming: Hey, Ma, you know what? There’s, there’s something I’ve got to tell you.
Cheryl Fleming: What? A bad review?
Adrian Monk: Uh, you might wanna sit down, Cheryl.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, no, I’m fine, I’ve been sittin’ all day.
Sharona Fleming: Ma, you know what? I think it’s best that we sit down.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh.
Sharona Fleming: Something happened last night at the show. [Sharona and Cheryl sit]
Cheryl Fleming: Okay.
Adrian Monk: There was a stabbing.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, you mean, in the audience?
Adrian Monk: No, uh, no. Onstage, uh, during the show. The actor who was playing Burt was killed. Gail…stabbed him.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, I know. I read the script.
Adrian Monk: No, no, Cheryl. He died.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, I don’t understand.
Sharona Fleming: Neither do we. Uh, the police think that she might have done it on purpose.
Adrian Monk: She’s been arrested for murder in the second degree. There’s a bail hearing tomorrow.
Cheryl Fleming: Gail?! [scoffs] No. I don’t believe it. It’s a mistak
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Fleming.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, no. Call me Cheryl.
Adrian Monk: Wipe?
Sharona Fleming: Not now.
Cheryl Fleming: Where’s Benjy? I brought him a new baseball glove.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, he’s not here. He’s sleeping over at a friend’s house.
Cheryl Fleming: You forgot I was coming, didn’t you? No, that’s all right. I understand. You’re probably so excited about the show. So, how was it last night? Tell me everything. How was Gail? Were there any reviews?
Sharona Fleming: Hey, Ma, you know what? There’s, there’s something I’ve got to tell you.
Cheryl Fleming: What? A bad review?
Adrian Monk: Uh, you might wanna sit down, Cheryl.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, no, I’m fine, I’ve been sittin’ all day.
Sharona Fleming: Ma, you know what? I think it’s best that we sit down.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh.
Sharona Fleming: Something happened last night at the show. [Sharona and Cheryl sit]
Cheryl Fleming: Okay.
Adrian Monk: There was a stabbing.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, you mean, in the audience?
Adrian Monk: No, uh, no. Onstage, uh, during the show. The actor who was playing Burt was killed. Gail…stabbed him.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, I know. I read the script.
Adrian Monk: No, no, Cheryl. He died.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, I don’t understand.
Sharona Fleming: Neither do we. Uh, the police think that she might have done it on purpose.
Adrian Monk: She’s been arrested for murder in the second degree. There’s a bail hearing tomorrow.
Cheryl Fleming: Gail?! [scoffs] No. I don’t believe it. It’s a mistak
TV Show: Monk
[Monk inspects the propmaster's toolbox]
O’Dell: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I was just…nothing.
O’Dell: Hey, don’t fiddle with the props. I’ve got to know where these are in the dark, by touch, at a moment’s notice. I’ve been juggling props for forty-four years. Ask me about the first prop I ever bought.
Adrian Monk: What was the…
O’Dell: The sword Richard Burton used in Camelot. I had to go to Scotland to get it.
Adrian Monk: Really? Wow. I’m, uh, I’m Adrian Monk, and this is Sh—she’s usually right here. This is a terrible week. I’ll bet.
O’Dell: Hey, that wasn’t my fault. The cops had me under the lights all night long. I told them…I put the prop knife on the set. We use two knives on this show. A real one, and one like this: [O’Dell pulls out a prop knife. He stabs himself with it]
Adrian Monk: Hey, whoa! [The knife retracts. O’Dell laughs]
O’Dell: Don’t wet yourself. The blade retracts into the handle. Gail must have switched the gag knife for the real one before the show.
Adrian Monk: May I? [He holds the prop knife up]
O’Dell: See? It doesn’t feel like a real knife at all, does it?
Adrian Monk: No.
O’Dell: She had to know she was holding a real knife. What happened onstage Sunday night, that was no accident. That was a woman scorned. “Hell hath no fury,” right?
Adrian Monk: And you’re sure you put a fake knife on the stage?
O’Dell: I swear. I put it there myself, half an hour before curtain.
Adrian Monk: And there was nobody else here?
O’Dell: Nope. Except Jenna. Jenna Ryan, Gail’s understudy. She was checking in. They check in before the show, see if anybody’s sick.
O’Dell: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I was just…nothing.
O’Dell: Hey, don’t fiddle with the props. I’ve got to know where these are in the dark, by touch, at a moment’s notice. I’ve been juggling props for forty-four years. Ask me about the first prop I ever bought.
Adrian Monk: What was the…
O’Dell: The sword Richard Burton used in Camelot. I had to go to Scotland to get it.
Adrian Monk: Really? Wow. I’m, uh, I’m Adrian Monk, and this is Sh—she’s usually right here. This is a terrible week. I’ll bet.
O’Dell: Hey, that wasn’t my fault. The cops had me under the lights all night long. I told them…I put the prop knife on the set. We use two knives on this show. A real one, and one like this: [O’Dell pulls out a prop knife. He stabs himself with it]
Adrian Monk: Hey, whoa! [The knife retracts. O’Dell laughs]
O’Dell: Don’t wet yourself. The blade retracts into the handle. Gail must have switched the gag knife for the real one before the show.
Adrian Monk: May I? [He holds the prop knife up]
O’Dell: See? It doesn’t feel like a real knife at all, does it?
Adrian Monk: No.
O’Dell: She had to know she was holding a real knife. What happened onstage Sunday night, that was no accident. That was a woman scorned. “Hell hath no fury,” right?
Adrian Monk: And you’re sure you put a fake knife on the stage?
O’Dell: I swear. I put it there myself, half an hour before curtain.
Adrian Monk: And there was nobody else here?
O’Dell: Nope. Except Jenna. Jenna Ryan, Gail’s understudy. She was checking in. They check in before the show, see if anybody’s sick.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Sharona follow Jenna to a hotel, but are intercepted by a greeter for a conference.]
Greeter: Oh! Excuse me! Have you registered?
Adrian Monk: For... what?
Greeter: Speedy Dates. We do it here once a month.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. I-I read an article about this. It's for singles. Instead of spending all night with one jerk, you get to meet 15 jerks at once.
Greeter: Yeah, that's not exactly how we would describe it.
Greeter: Oh! Excuse me! Have you registered?
Adrian Monk: For... what?
Greeter: Speedy Dates. We do it here once a month.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. I-I read an article about this. It's for singles. Instead of spending all night with one jerk, you get to meet 15 jerks at once.
Greeter: Yeah, that's not exactly how we would describe it.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: Speedy Dates? No. No, no. No, that's like... Dante's seventh circle of Hell.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk has gone on a Speedy Date]
Date #1: I like your eyes.
Adrian Monk: Well, thank you. They came with the face.
Date #1: So you're a former police officer.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Date #1: You still have your handcuffs?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Date #1: Can you show them to me sometime?
Adrian Monk: I don't see why you would want to... they're just handcuffs!
Date #1: I like your eyes.
Adrian Monk: Well, thank you. They came with the face.
Date #1: So you're a former police officer.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Date #1: You still have your handcuffs?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Date #1: Can you show them to me sometime?
Adrian Monk: I don't see why you would want to... they're just handcuffs!
TV Show: Monk
Sharona: So, how'd the dating go?
Monk: Oh, it was terrible! Thank God I'm not single.
Sharona: You are single.
Monk: Oh, yeah.
Monk: Oh, it was terrible! Thank God I'm not single.
Sharona: You are single.
Monk: Oh, yeah.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: You... you enter from the right...
Sharona Fleming: You mean the left. That's stage left.
Adrian Monk: But it's on the right.
Sharona Fleming: But it's stage left. That's what they call it.
[She shrugs at Monk's confusion.]
Sharona Fleming: My sister's an actress!
Adrian Monk: But- but- for the purposes of this recreation, let's just call it what they call it on Planet Earth.
Sharona Fleming: [sardonically] Like you would know.
Sharona Fleming: You mean the left. That's stage left.
Adrian Monk: But it's on the right.
Sharona Fleming: But it's stage left. That's what they call it.
[She shrugs at Monk's confusion.]
Sharona Fleming: My sister's an actress!
Adrian Monk: But- but- for the purposes of this recreation, let's just call it what they call it on Planet Earth.
Sharona Fleming: [sardonically] Like you would know.
TV Show: Monk
[first lines]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, don't yank my chain.
Dwayne: Look, I told you, I haven't seen him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's your cousin, he's your best friend.
Dwayne: Yeah, and I don't know where he is!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, do I look like an idiot to you?
Dwayne: Yeah, you sort of do. [Stottlemeyer raises an eyebrow]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, that's a mistake... you don't want to make him angry. I made him angry once, and you don't want to do that... [Brian Babbage drives up, and repeatedly rams his car into Stottlemeyer's vehicle. As soon as he pulls up ahead of the hood of the car, he lowers the window and says]
Brian Babbage: Hey, cop! Kiss my ass! [gives them the finger, then floors on the gas pedal]
Captain Stottlemeyer: [to his suspect] Don't move! [Dwayne takes off as Stottlemeyer and Disher jump into their car and prepare to chase Brian]
Lt. Randall Disher: Can I be honest with you, sir? [Stottlemeyer activates the dashboard light and grabs the walkie-talkie]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [into radio] All units, clear the air, we're in pursuit of a hit-and-run, he's eastbound on Union.
Lt. Randall Disher: This is my first car chase. I've been waiting for this my whole life!
[A pickup truck hits Brian's car from the left and sends it crashing into a parked car. Stottlemeyer casually unbuckles his seat belt and turns off the dashboard light]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Chase over. What'd you think? [Randy is visibly disappointed]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, don't yank my chain.
Dwayne: Look, I told you, I haven't seen him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's your cousin, he's your best friend.
Dwayne: Yeah, and I don't know where he is!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, do I look like an idiot to you?
Dwayne: Yeah, you sort of do. [Stottlemeyer raises an eyebrow]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, that's a mistake... you don't want to make him angry. I made him angry once, and you don't want to do that... [Brian Babbage drives up, and repeatedly rams his car into Stottlemeyer's vehicle. As soon as he pulls up ahead of the hood of the car, he lowers the window and says]
Brian Babbage: Hey, cop! Kiss my ass! [gives them the finger, then floors on the gas pedal]
Captain Stottlemeyer: [to his suspect] Don't move! [Dwayne takes off as Stottlemeyer and Disher jump into their car and prepare to chase Brian]
Lt. Randall Disher: Can I be honest with you, sir? [Stottlemeyer activates the dashboard light and grabs the walkie-talkie]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [into radio] All units, clear the air, we're in pursuit of a hit-and-run, he's eastbound on Union.
Lt. Randall Disher: This is my first car chase. I've been waiting for this my whole life!
[A pickup truck hits Brian's car from the left and sends it crashing into a parked car. Stottlemeyer casually unbuckles his seat belt and turns off the dashboard light]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Chase over. What'd you think? [Randy is visibly disappointed]
TV Show: Monk
Sharona: Is that a new tie?
Lt. Disher: It's a gift from my girlfriend.
Sharona: She has very good taste. In ties, not in men.
Lt. Disher: Ooh — do I detect a hint of jealousy?
Sharona: If you do, it's the only detecting you've ever done.
Lt. Disher: It's a gift from my girlfriend.
Sharona: She has very good taste. In ties, not in men.
Lt. Disher: Ooh — do I detect a hint of jealousy?
Sharona: If you do, it's the only detecting you've ever done.
TV Show: Monk
Monk: He's the guy.
Stottlemeyer: Who?
[Monk indicates Brian, who is in a coma]
Stottlemeyer: Him? Monk, he's a vegetable! He's not even a vegetable! He hopes to one day be a vegetable!
Stottlemeyer: Who?
[Monk indicates Brian, who is in a coma]
Stottlemeyer: Him? Monk, he's a vegetable! He's not even a vegetable! He hopes to one day be a vegetable!
TV Show: Monk
[Agent Grooms kicks Stottlemeyer out of the interrogation room]
Captain Stottlemeyer: I just got kicked out of my own interrogation room.
Lt. Randall Disher: You want some coffee, sir?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, Randy. What I want is for that ATF CREEP to eat crow!
Adrian Monk: Well, we know who did it, and we know why. We just don’t know how.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, again, he’s in a coma.
Adrian Monk: He’s the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: In twenty seconds, Agent Grooms is gonna come walking through that door, and he’s gonna ask me what I think. Give me something else, for the love of God.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, wait. I have an idea. Maybe he had an accomplice.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, somebody else mailed the damn thing. Why not?
Sharona Fleming: I already had that idea. Tell him.
Adrian Monk: There was no accomplice. Why would Brian Babbage hire one? He didn’t know he was gonna be in a coma.
Sharona Fleming: It’s not exactly something you can plan.
Adrian Monk: All right. Anyway, why would an accomplice bother to go through with it? There was no reason to. The guy who hired him was in a coma.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, so... Brian built the bomb, and then Brian mailed the bomb, by himself.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: While he was in a coma.
Adrian Monk: [admiringly] You gotta admit — it's a pretty good alibi. It's rock solid!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have known 15,000 criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common: THEY'RE CONSCIOUS!
Adrian Monk: Nonetheless.
Stottlemeyer: Is your shrink coming back soon?
[Agent Groo
Captain Stottlemeyer: I just got kicked out of my own interrogation room.
Lt. Randall Disher: You want some coffee, sir?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, Randy. What I want is for that ATF CREEP to eat crow!
Adrian Monk: Well, we know who did it, and we know why. We just don’t know how.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, again, he’s in a coma.
Adrian Monk: He’s the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: In twenty seconds, Agent Grooms is gonna come walking through that door, and he’s gonna ask me what I think. Give me something else, for the love of God.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, wait. I have an idea. Maybe he had an accomplice.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, somebody else mailed the damn thing. Why not?
Sharona Fleming: I already had that idea. Tell him.
Adrian Monk: There was no accomplice. Why would Brian Babbage hire one? He didn’t know he was gonna be in a coma.
Sharona Fleming: It’s not exactly something you can plan.
Adrian Monk: All right. Anyway, why would an accomplice bother to go through with it? There was no reason to. The guy who hired him was in a coma.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, so... Brian built the bomb, and then Brian mailed the bomb, by himself.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: While he was in a coma.
Adrian Monk: [admiringly] You gotta admit — it's a pretty good alibi. It's rock solid!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have known 15,000 criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common: THEY'RE CONSCIOUS!
Adrian Monk: Nonetheless.
Stottlemeyer: Is your shrink coming back soon?
[Agent Groo
TV Show: Monk
Sharona: Why can't you be happy for me?
Monk: I am happy for you. This is me, being happy for you. I was just telling Brian how happy you seem.
Sharona: Who's Brian?
Monk: Brian Babbage.
Sharona: The coma guy? He woke up?
Monk: No.
Sharona: But you were talking to him.
Monk: He's a good listener.
Monk: I am happy for you. This is me, being happy for you. I was just telling Brian how happy you seem.
Sharona: Who's Brian?
Monk: Brian Babbage.
Sharona: The coma guy? He woke up?
Monk: No.
Sharona: But you were talking to him.
Monk: He's a good listener.
TV Show: Monk
U.S. Postal Worker Tamil Swarma: The U.S. Post Office unwittingly became the Messenger of Evil. Who'd a thunk it?
Monk: Well put, Tamil.
Monk: Well put, Tamil.
TV Show: Monk