Monk Quotes
Monk: That's strange. Why would he need a mirror on the ceiling?
Sharona: Try not to think about that now.
Sharona: Try not to think about that now.
TV Show: Monk
Dexter Larsen: [about his life before publishing Sapphire] I was a nerd, publishing my little electronics magazine. I was the kind of guy a woman like you would never talk to.
Sharona: You still are.
Sharona: You still are.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk has reduced a whole room full of Sapphire models to tears reading Trudy's last poem to him.]
Partygoer: [coming in] Anybody want a swim?
Model: I just want to go home.
2nd Model: Me, too.
Partygoer: [coming in] Anybody want a swim?
Model: I just want to go home.
2nd Model: Me, too.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is searching Danny Bonaduce's car when Dexter Larsen spots him]
Dexter Larsen: Detective, caddie, car thief. You wear many hats, Mr. Monk. You, uh…you looking for something?
Adrian Monk: Did you drive this car, Mr. Larsen? Maybe Sunday morning?
Dexter Larsen: Why would you think that?
Adrian Monk: Somebody was smoking a cigar in here.
Dexter Larsen: Well, a lot of people smoke cigars, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Right, but the texture and size of this cigar ash are consistent with those from your precious Cubano de Oros.
Dexter Larsen: Hmmm.
Adrian Monk: How did you do it?
Dexter Larsen: You mean how did I, uh, rise from humble beginnings to achieve all of this?
Adrian Monk: No, no. I mean. How did you murder Elliot D’Souza?
Dexter Larsen: What are you talking about? There was no murder. Elliot was alone. The door was locked.
Adrian Monk: Right. How did you do it?
Dexter Larsen: You’ve taken a great interest in me, and the truth is I’ve taken an interest on you too, and your friend Sharona. May I show you something? [produces a photograph from an envelope] My research staff is first rate. She must have been nineteen, maybe twenty. You know what? Th…that’s…that’s my favorite age. Hungry with no inhibitions. These were taken in Atlantic City. She was using a different name, but my lawyers assure me that the release that she signed is solid. I can publish them anytime I want.
Adrian Monk: What kind of man are you?
Dexter Larsen: I told you on the golf course, Mr. Monk. I do not lose. Now Sharona, she has a son, how old is he now?
Adrian Monk: He is twelve.
Dexter Larsen: Twelve. That’s an impressionable age. I think we understand
Dexter Larsen: Detective, caddie, car thief. You wear many hats, Mr. Monk. You, uh…you looking for something?
Adrian Monk: Did you drive this car, Mr. Larsen? Maybe Sunday morning?
Dexter Larsen: Why would you think that?
Adrian Monk: Somebody was smoking a cigar in here.
Dexter Larsen: Well, a lot of people smoke cigars, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Right, but the texture and size of this cigar ash are consistent with those from your precious Cubano de Oros.
Dexter Larsen: Hmmm.
Adrian Monk: How did you do it?
Dexter Larsen: You mean how did I, uh, rise from humble beginnings to achieve all of this?
Adrian Monk: No, no. I mean. How did you murder Elliot D’Souza?
Dexter Larsen: What are you talking about? There was no murder. Elliot was alone. The door was locked.
Adrian Monk: Right. How did you do it?
Dexter Larsen: You’ve taken a great interest in me, and the truth is I’ve taken an interest on you too, and your friend Sharona. May I show you something? [produces a photograph from an envelope] My research staff is first rate. She must have been nineteen, maybe twenty. You know what? Th…that’s…that’s my favorite age. Hungry with no inhibitions. These were taken in Atlantic City. She was using a different name, but my lawyers assure me that the release that she signed is solid. I can publish them anytime I want.
Adrian Monk: What kind of man are you?
Dexter Larsen: I told you on the golf course, Mr. Monk. I do not lose. Now Sharona, she has a son, how old is he now?
Adrian Monk: He is twelve.
Dexter Larsen: Twelve. That’s an impressionable age. I think we understand
TV Show: Monk
Mrs. Ling: You come back anytime, Mr. Babcock. You good customer, 'cause you don't complain.
Lt. Disher: Ma'am, he just killed eleven people.
Stottlemeyer: Twelve. Let's not forget about the first Mrs. Babcock, who I'll bet is buried under that new porch.
Mrs. Ling: Yeah, well... he still good customer. Not crazy like that Mr. Monk over there.
Lt. Disher: Ma'am, he just killed eleven people.
Stottlemeyer: Twelve. Let's not forget about the first Mrs. Babcock, who I'll bet is buried under that new porch.
Mrs. Ling: Yeah, well... he still good customer. Not crazy like that Mr. Monk over there.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Sharona talk to handyman Ian Agnew about his lawsuit against the Babcocks]
Adrian Monk: Thank you for seeing us.
Ian Agnew: Oh, I don't mind. I don't get many visitors. So what can I do for you?
Adrian Monk: Mr. Agnew, we were wondering about your accident.
Ian Agnew: Please, sit down. [he appears to have a rather sudden pained reaction, possibly from the pipe]
Sharona Fleming: [concerned] Ian, I used to be a nurse. Is there anything I can do?
Ian Agnew: No, thank you. Comes and goes. It's the pipe. [points to the protruding piece of metal pipe] I have a piece of pipe in my head. [pauses] I don't get many visitors! Please sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!...
Adrian Monk: Sir, about your accident.
Ian Agnew: Ah, the accident. I really don't remember much about it. We were building a cabana near the pool for the Babcocks. And I was working on the roof and there was a tile loose. And the next thing I knew, I woke up and I was a human smokestack. [laughs] I'll get it! [picks up the phone] Hello! Hello! Must be the wrong number. [to Monk and Sharona] HOW'S THAT COFFEE? [turns to an empty spot on the floor] BAD DOG!
[He turns back to Monk and Sharona]
Ian Agnew: I haven't worked since.
Adrian Monk: Huh. How did you get the job?
Ian Agnew: Mrs. Babcock hired me. Although by the time I had started, she wasn't there anymore. They split up, she ran off, I never got the full story. I dealt mostly with her husband, Stew. I'll get it. [He picks up the phone again, about to talk to another imaginary caller] You know, I just changed my phone number, and it doesn't seem to help. I don't get many visitors!
Sharona Fleming: Did you go to the trial?
Adrian Monk: Thank you for seeing us.
Ian Agnew: Oh, I don't mind. I don't get many visitors. So what can I do for you?
Adrian Monk: Mr. Agnew, we were wondering about your accident.
Ian Agnew: Please, sit down. [he appears to have a rather sudden pained reaction, possibly from the pipe]
Sharona Fleming: [concerned] Ian, I used to be a nurse. Is there anything I can do?
Ian Agnew: No, thank you. Comes and goes. It's the pipe. [points to the protruding piece of metal pipe] I have a piece of pipe in my head. [pauses] I don't get many visitors! Please sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!...
Adrian Monk: Sir, about your accident.
Ian Agnew: Ah, the accident. I really don't remember much about it. We were building a cabana near the pool for the Babcocks. And I was working on the roof and there was a tile loose. And the next thing I knew, I woke up and I was a human smokestack. [laughs] I'll get it! [picks up the phone] Hello! Hello! Must be the wrong number. [to Monk and Sharona] HOW'S THAT COFFEE? [turns to an empty spot on the floor] BAD DOG!
[He turns back to Monk and Sharona]
Ian Agnew: I haven't worked since.
Adrian Monk: Huh. How did you get the job?
Ian Agnew: Mrs. Babcock hired me. Although by the time I had started, she wasn't there anymore. They split up, she ran off, I never got the full story. I dealt mostly with her husband, Stew. I'll get it. [He picks up the phone again, about to talk to another imaginary caller] You know, I just changed my phone number, and it doesn't seem to help. I don't get many visitors!
Sharona Fleming: Did you go to the trial?
TV Show: Monk
Sharona Fleming: [about Kenny Shale] You called him a weasel.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I didn't.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, you did. Three weeks ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I never said "weasel." I said he was a... "woof." Oh, yeah, I said "weasel." I called him a weasel, but you see, that's not a bad thing. I had a weasel. A weasel is a noble animal, all right? It's a term of endearment. [to a passing cop] Jerry, hey, how are you doing, you weasel? Good to see you! [turns back to Sharona] See, I call everybody a weasel.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I didn't.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, you did. Three weeks ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I never said "weasel." I said he was a... "woof." Oh, yeah, I said "weasel." I called him a weasel, but you see, that's not a bad thing. I had a weasel. A weasel is a noble animal, all right? It's a term of endearment. [to a passing cop] Jerry, hey, how are you doing, you weasel? Good to see you! [turns back to Sharona] See, I call everybody a weasel.
TV Show: Monk
Lt. Disher: Captain! [hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Washington just sent this down, it's a prelim psych profile. [Stottlemeyer holds the file to his forehead]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let me guess: the killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother. [hands the file back to Disher]
Lt. Disher: How did you know that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: 'Cause that's what they always say, Lieutenant. That's scrap paper.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let me guess: the killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother. [hands the file back to Disher]
Lt. Disher: How did you know that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: 'Cause that's what they always say, Lieutenant. That's scrap paper.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk has accidentally wiped his hands with a garage rag, smearing them with oil.]
Monk: Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!
Monk: Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk refuses to reveal his intimacies with his late wife to his psychiatrist.]
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, we can talk about your sex life with Trudy or we can sing show tunes until this session is over. It's your choice.
[pause]
Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...
...
[Eventually, Monk stops singing. He looks at his watch and stares at Dr. Kroger for a while, then...]
Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, we can talk about your sex life with Trudy or we can sing show tunes until this session is over. It's your choice.
[pause]
Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...
...
[Eventually, Monk stops singing. He looks at his watch and stares at Dr. Kroger for a while, then...]
Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...
TV Show: Monk
Sharona: [answers phone] Hello? No, I'm Sharona, his assistant. Who's this? Hold on, please. [to Monk] Adrian? You have a brother?
[Everyone looks up, surprised. Long pause.]
Adrian: No.
Sharona: [into phone] I'm sorry, sir, you must have the wrong Adrian Monk.
[She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again.]
Adrian: Wait, wait... I might have a brother.
Sharona: You told me you were an only child.
Adrian: I consider myself an only child. We're not close! He has issues.
Stottlemeyer: [raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?
Adrian: Don't you people have work to do? There's a dead woman over there!
[Everyone looks up, surprised. Long pause.]
Adrian: No.
Sharona: [into phone] I'm sorry, sir, you must have the wrong Adrian Monk.
[She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again.]
Adrian: Wait, wait... I might have a brother.
Sharona: You told me you were an only child.
Adrian: I consider myself an only child. We're not close! He has issues.
Stottlemeyer: [raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?
Adrian: Don't you people have work to do? There's a dead woman over there!
TV Show: Monk
[after meeting Ambrose, Sharona hugs Monk]
Monk: What's that for?
Sharona: For making my family seem normal.
Monk: What's that for?
Sharona: For making my family seem normal.
TV Show: Monk
Sharona: Hi, I'm Sharona Fleming and this is Adrian Monk.
Pat van Ranken: [starts breathing heavier] Monk... from next door?
Monk: No, I'm his brother.
Pat van Ranken: You almost gave me a heart attack! That guy hasn't left the house in, what, twenty years?
Monk: Thirty-two...
Pat van Ranken: My wife knows him. Isn't he... scared of stuff?
Monk: Yes... he's scared of stuff. Stuff... and things.
Pat van Ranken: [starts breathing heavier] Monk... from next door?
Monk: No, I'm his brother.
Pat van Ranken: You almost gave me a heart attack! That guy hasn't left the house in, what, twenty years?
Monk: Thirty-two...
Pat van Ranken: My wife knows him. Isn't he... scared of stuff?
Monk: Yes... he's scared of stuff. Stuff... and things.
TV Show: Monk
Sharona: Ambrose, come with us.
Ambrose: Outside? Oh no, I can't.
Sharona: You're just gonna hide in this house for the rest of your life?
Ambrose: That's my plan, yes.
Ambrose: Outside? Oh no, I can't.
Sharona: You're just gonna hide in this house for the rest of your life?
Ambrose: That's my plan, yes.
TV Show: Monk
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Van Ranken, we would like permission to search your pie.
Pat van Ranken: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Please, don't make me say it again.
Pat van Ranken: And if I refuse?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Then we'll get a search warrant.
Pat van Ranken: For a pie?
TV Show: Monk
[Adrian introduces Sharona to Ambrose]
Adrian Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona.
Ambrose Monk: Hello, we spoke on the phone.
Adrian Monk: Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something.
Ambrose Monk: I wasn't paralyzed.
Adrian Monk: I was being sarcastic.
Ambrose Monk: You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.
Adrian Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona.
Ambrose Monk: Hello, we spoke on the phone.
Adrian Monk: Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something.
Ambrose Monk: I wasn't paralyzed.
Adrian Monk: I was being sarcastic.
Ambrose Monk: You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: He [van Ranken] was at the park all last night.
Sharona Fleming: Maybe to bury something.
Ambrose Monk: Yes, he was parked by the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: How do you know that?
Ambrose Monk: It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Um...
Ambrose Monk: The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree...
Sharona Fleming: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which are found...
Adrian Monk: Um...
Ambrose Monk: Near water...
Sharona Fleming: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which means, he parked by the river, at the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: Wow!
Adrian Monk: Please stop staying "wow."
Ambrose Monk: This detective stuff is easy.
Sharona Fleming: Looks like you got a new partner.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, for any crime committed within thirty feet of this property.
Sharona Fleming: Maybe to bury something.
Ambrose Monk: Yes, he was parked by the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: How do you know that?
Ambrose Monk: It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Um...
Ambrose Monk: The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree...
Sharona Fleming: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which are found...
Adrian Monk: Um...
Ambrose Monk: Near water...
Sharona Fleming: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which means, he parked by the river, at the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: Wow!
Adrian Monk: Please stop staying "wow."
Ambrose Monk: This detective stuff is easy.
Sharona Fleming: Looks like you got a new partner.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, for any crime committed within thirty feet of this property.
TV Show: Monk
[Adrian and Sharona spy on van Ranken, rooting through the cherry pie]
Adrian Monk: He's looking for something. Sharona, that's why he tripped! He didn't want to win the race, he was trying to come in second, he wanted the pie!
Sharona Fleming: Why?
Adrian Monk: Well, obviously, he... [he trails off, and looks around the corner at van Ranken] You see, Sharona, what happened was... [he trails off again, and takes another look around the corner] I have no idea.
Adrian Monk: He's looking for something. Sharona, that's why he tripped! He didn't want to win the race, he was trying to come in second, he wanted the pie!
Sharona Fleming: Why?
Adrian Monk: Well, obviously, he... [he trails off, and looks around the corner at van Ranken] You see, Sharona, what happened was... [he trails off again, and takes another look around the corner] I have no idea.
TV Show: Monk
[while sitting down to play bingo, a bingo addict carrying a troll doll turns to Adrian]
Bingo Addict: Do you want to rub my lucky troll? It's good luck.
Adrian Monk: Uh, no, thank you.
Bingo Addict: Go ahead. Rub the troll.
Adrian Monk: No thank you. Uh, I've been rubbing trolls all day.
Bingo Addict: If you don't rub the troll, it's bad karma.
[Adrian finally resorts to rubbing the troll aggressively with his shirt sleeve]
Bingo Addict: Do you want to rub my lucky troll? It's good luck.
Adrian Monk: Uh, no, thank you.
Bingo Addict: Go ahead. Rub the troll.
Adrian Monk: No thank you. Uh, I've been rubbing trolls all day.
Bingo Addict: If you don't rub the troll, it's bad karma.
[Adrian finally resorts to rubbing the troll aggressively with his shirt sleeve]
TV Show: Monk
[Monk reenacts a murder with Sharona as the victim]
Sharona: I think you enjoy shooting and stabbing me.
Monk: No, I don't enjoy it. But it's my job.
Sharona: I think you enjoy shooting and stabbing me.
Monk: No, I don't enjoy it. But it's my job.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk solves the case]
Monk: Oh, my God. I think I know what happened here. Sharona, you're not going to like this. Just-just try to keep an open mind, hear me out...
Sharona: [sadly] He did it, didn't he?
Monk: Oh, my God. I think I know what happened here. Sharona, you're not going to like this. Just-just try to keep an open mind, hear me out...
Sharona: [sadly] He did it, didn't he?
TV Show: Monk
Marci: If you ever get your own TV show, promise me you will never change the theme song.
TV Show: Monk
N.B. Monk has "It's a jungle out there" by Randy Newman as his theme song in season two forward, but the first season had a guitar melody. As Marci says this, the old theme song starts to play and continues playing over the end credits.
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer and Monk are interrogating Ron Abrash, a suspect in a kidnapping.]
Adrian Monk: You look familiar, Ronnie. Didn't I see you last week at the opera?
Ron Abrash: What have you been smokin', man?
Adrian Monk: I've been smokin' THE TRUTH, MAN!
Ron Abrash: What, are you guys playing? "Good cop, crazy cop?"
Adrian Monk: You look familiar, Ronnie. Didn't I see you last week at the opera?
Ron Abrash: What have you been smokin', man?
Adrian Monk: I've been smokin' THE TRUTH, MAN!
Ron Abrash: What, are you guys playing? "Good cop, crazy cop?"
TV Show: Monk
Captain Stottlemeyer: So you're denying any involvement in the kidnapping of Mrs. Parlo?
Ron Abrash: Of course I deny it. Demanding free turkey dinners. That's insane. Besides, I'm a vegan.
Ron Abrash: Of course I deny it. Demanding free turkey dinners. That's insane. Besides, I'm a vegan.
TV Show: Monk
Granny Parlo: And--and it was raining.
Sharona Fleming: Are you sure? It wasn't raining all last week.
Granny Parlo: Listen, missy. I think I know what rain feels like. And that's what I felt when they carried me from the van into the house.
Sharona Fleming: Are you sure? It wasn't raining all last week.
Granny Parlo: Listen, missy. I think I know what rain feels like. And that's what I felt when they carried me from the van into the house.
TV Show: Monk
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, cool. It'll be the three of us. We can do good cop, bad cop, worse cop.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, it's a two-man job. Just wait here.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. I'll just wait here and--
Sharona Fleming: Weep openly.
Lt. Randall Disher: --do some paperwork.
Sharona Fleming: While you weep openly.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, it's a two-man job. Just wait here.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. I'll just wait here and--
Sharona Fleming: Weep openly.
Lt. Randall Disher: --do some paperwork.
Sharona Fleming: While you weep openly.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is trying to get a man at a homeless shelter to have gravy, because everyone else is.]
Sharona: Adrian, he doesn't want any gravy!
Monk: Let the man speak for himself.
Man: I don't want any gravy!
Sharona: Adrian, he doesn't want any gravy!
Monk: Let the man speak for himself.
Man: I don't want any gravy!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk approaches the man that didn't want gravy]
Monk: Here, it is!
Man: I told you, I didn't want any!
Monk: Didn't you just ask for gravy?
Man: Are you serious?
Monk: Oh. Well, here it is.
Man: I told you, I don't want it.
Monk: Okay, how about this. You have some gravy...
Man: And?
Monk: That's it.
Monk: Here, it is!
Man: I told you, I didn't want any!
Monk: Didn't you just ask for gravy?
Man: Are you serious?
Monk: Oh. Well, here it is.
Man: I told you, I don't want it.
Monk: Okay, how about this. You have some gravy...
Man: And?
Monk: That's it.
TV Show: Monk