Monk Quotes
[an old woman, actually Randy wearing a wig and some makeup, walks up to Monk and Sharona at the homeless shelter's serving counter]
Adrian Monk: Oh my god!
Sharona Fleming: [sees through the disguise] What are you supposed to be?
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm undercover. I'm homeless.
Sharona Fleming: What's that on your face?
Lt. Randall Disher: Dirt.
Sharona Fleming: [to Monk] Give the lady some gravy. [Monk does so]
Adrian Monk: Oh my god!
Sharona Fleming: [sees through the disguise] What are you supposed to be?
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm undercover. I'm homeless.
Sharona Fleming: What's that on your face?
Lt. Randall Disher: Dirt.
Sharona Fleming: [to Monk] Give the lady some gravy. [Monk does so]
TV Show: Monk
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, we've got two short hours until this phone call. Are we ready?
Phone Technician: Well we're all set, Captain. We've got two tape recorders and we've got the phone company online for an immediate track and trace.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How long do we need?
Phone Technician: Well, if it's a landline, we've got 'em. If it's a cell phone...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Which it will be.
Phone Technician: ...we'll need 45 seconds.
[Julie Parlo finds Stottlemeyer]
Julie Parlo: Excuse me, Captain Stottlemeyer?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep.
Julie Parlo: Hi, I'm Julie Parlo. Uh, where is the FBI? This is a kidnapping. I happen to be a lawyer, so I know that in a kidnapping situation the FBI has jurisprudence.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's only true if your grandmother's been taken across the state lines.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Or if she's been held for more than 24 hours. And I think you meant to say "jurisdiction." What kind of lawyer are you?
Phone Technician: Well we're all set, Captain. We've got two tape recorders and we've got the phone company online for an immediate track and trace.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How long do we need?
Phone Technician: Well, if it's a landline, we've got 'em. If it's a cell phone...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Which it will be.
Phone Technician: ...we'll need 45 seconds.
[Julie Parlo finds Stottlemeyer]
Julie Parlo: Excuse me, Captain Stottlemeyer?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep.
Julie Parlo: Hi, I'm Julie Parlo. Uh, where is the FBI? This is a kidnapping. I happen to be a lawyer, so I know that in a kidnapping situation the FBI has jurisprudence.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's only true if your grandmother's been taken across the state lines.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Or if she's been held for more than 24 hours. And I think you meant to say "jurisdiction." What kind of lawyer are you?
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer prepares to lead a raid on the transportation union's headquarters]
Lt. Disher: Captain! That was Monk!
[everyone freezes]
Lt. Disher: He said he solved the case.
Stottlemeyer: He what?
Lt. Disher: He says it's not a union thing.
Stottlemeyer: ...Is he sure?
Lt. Disher: ...He's Monk.
Lt. Disher: Captain! That was Monk!
[everyone freezes]
Lt. Disher: He said he solved the case.
Stottlemeyer: He what?
Lt. Disher: He says it's not a union thing.
Stottlemeyer: ...Is he sure?
Lt. Disher: ...He's Monk.
TV Show: Monk
Sharona: Have you been drinking?
Disher: Yes, I have. I couldn't think of any other way to get all this Scotch into my body.
Disher: Yes, I have. I couldn't think of any other way to get all this Scotch into my body.
TV Show: Monk
Sharona: Adrian, you have to sit. This is a picnic.
Monk: I - I don't sit on the ground. Animals do things on the ground - terrible, terrible things.
Monk: I - I don't sit on the ground. Animals do things on the ground - terrible, terrible things.
TV Show: Monk
Sharona: We're never going to get away with this! They're never going to believe we're really married.
Monk: We have nothing in common. I annoy you all the time. Why wouldn't they believe it?
Monk: We have nothing in common. I annoy you all the time. Why wouldn't they believe it?
TV Show: Monk
Monk: I can't sleep with a crooked shelf in the room.
Sharona: Well, when you turn the light off you won't see it.
Monk: I wish you could hear yourself sometimes. You live in a dream world.
Sharona: Well, when you turn the light off you won't see it.
Monk: I wish you could hear yourself sometimes. You live in a dream world.
TV Show: Monk
[Two officers discuss an inmate who will be executed soon]
Warden Christie: Where's Ray Kaspo?
Guard: In the holding cell, having his last meal. Ribs and chili.
Warden Christie: Ribs and chili? That might kill him before we do.
Warden Christie: Where's Ray Kaspo?
Guard: In the holding cell, having his last meal. Ribs and chili.
Warden Christie: Ribs and chili? That might kill him before we do.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: It seems prison agrees with you, Dale.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, why wouldn't it? After all, [indicates his stomach] I've been inside this prison all my life.
Adrian Monk: That's very poetic.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Of course, it doesn't compare with the prison you built for yourself.
TV Show: Monk
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I want to make you an offer...
Sharona Fleming: Oh please, drop dead!
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, you'd think I would have by now, wouldn't you? [laughs]
TV Show: Monk
[while pretending to be a convict, Monk tapes a picture of Trudy to his cell wall]
Spyder Rudner: Is that your old lady?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Spyder Rudner: Is she waiting for you?
Adrian Monk: Yes, she is.
TV Show: Monk
Spyder Rudner: All right, Adolf, let him go!
Lody: It's not about you, Spyder!
Spyder Rudner: The guy's a friend of mine.
Lody: He's a cop!
Spyder Rudner: Yeah, so I've heard. Let him go.
Lody: You'd side with a cop over us?
Spyder Rudner: I'd side with a cucaracha over you.
TV Show: Monk
[The federal authorities are refusing access to Warrick Tennyson]
Stottlemeyer: You gave me your word.
Captain Walter Cage: Come on, I didn't lie to you. If we close the ambassador case...
Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't care about the frigging ambassador, okay? He means less than zero to me! My friend's wife got blown up! You understand? And it killed him too!
Stottlemeyer: You gave me your word.
Captain Walter Cage: Come on, I didn't lie to you. If we close the ambassador case...
Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't care about the frigging ambassador, okay? He means less than zero to me! My friend's wife got blown up! You understand? And it killed him too!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk accidentally gets pushed onto a departing subway train]
Sharona: Sir, sir! You've got to stop that train, he's all alone-!
Subway Cop: All right, ma'am, just calm down. It happens all the time. [lifts his radio] What's his name?
Sharona: Adrian Monk.
Subway Cop: And how old is he?
Sharona: He's forty-five.
Sharona: Sir, sir! You've got to stop that train, he's all alone-!
Subway Cop: All right, ma'am, just calm down. It happens all the time. [lifts his radio] What's his name?
Sharona: Adrian Monk.
Subway Cop: And how old is he?
Sharona: He's forty-five.
TV Show: Monk
Monk: You... it was you. You filthy, disgusting animal! YOU MAKE ME SICK!
[confused, everyone turns to look]
Busboy: Me?
Sharona: What are you doing? He's a busboy!
Monk: Sharona, don't you recognize him? From the subway! He's the Urinator! Urinator! It was you! Don't try to deny it-
Stottlemeyer: Monk...
Monk: We saw what you did-!
Stottlemeyer: Monk! Could we get back to the quadruple homicide, please?
[confused, everyone turns to look]
Busboy: Me?
Sharona: What are you doing? He's a busboy!
Monk: Sharona, don't you recognize him? From the subway! He's the Urinator! Urinator! It was you! Don't try to deny it-
Stottlemeyer: Monk...
Monk: We saw what you did-!
Stottlemeyer: Monk! Could we get back to the quadruple homicide, please?
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Sharona are in a diner where Monk wants to use his one pair of handcuffs to arrest someone who urinated in public earlier.]
Sharona: That man took a whizz in the subway. That man killed four people in cold blood. Now who do you think we should arrest?
[Monk thinks it over]
Monk: [hesitantly] The murderer.
Sharona: That man took a whizz in the subway. That man killed four people in cold blood. Now who do you think we should arrest?
[Monk thinks it over]
Monk: [hesitantly] The murderer.
TV Show: Monk
Warrick Tennyson: You were the husband?
Adrian Monk: I am the husband.
Warrick Tennyson: Forgive me.
Adrian Monk: Forgive you? This is me, turning off your morphine...
[Tennyson's eyes widen in horror]
Adrian Monk: ...and this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.
Adrian Monk: I am the husband.
Warrick Tennyson: Forgive me.
Adrian Monk: Forgive you? This is me, turning off your morphine...
[Tennyson's eyes widen in horror]
Adrian Monk: ...and this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is patching up Benjy after he got into a fight at school.]
Monk: Uh-oh...
Benjy: What?
Monk: The Band-Aid.
Benjy: It's okay, it doesn't have to be perf- [Monk rips it off] OW!
...
Sharona: Now Benjy, you're grounded! That means no TV, and no Playstation!
Benjy: Mom!
Monk: Sharona, he was just sticking up for a friend.
Sharona: Adrian, you stay out of this! You're not his father.
Monk: That's true, but I care about him as much as any father.
[He rips off the Band-Aid again.]
Benjy: OW!
Monk: Uh-oh...
Benjy: What?
Monk: The Band-Aid.
Benjy: It's okay, it doesn't have to be perf- [Monk rips it off] OW!
...
Sharona: Now Benjy, you're grounded! That means no TV, and no Playstation!
Benjy: Mom!
Monk: Sharona, he was just sticking up for a friend.
Sharona: Adrian, you stay out of this! You're not his father.
Monk: That's true, but I care about him as much as any father.
[He rips off the Band-Aid again.]
Benjy: OW!
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Sharona's house]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I hate this.
Lt. Randall Disher: Why don't you stay back, sir? I can handle this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, you can? Since when. [Sharona opens the door]
Sharona Fleming: Hey.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we need to talk.
Sharona Fleming: About what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think you know. [They walk into the house, which looks like it has been hit by an earthquake] What happened here? Did you have a party?
Sharona Fleming: It's Benjy. He never picks anything up.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sharona, where's Darwin?
Sharona Fleming: What are you talking about?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're gonna find him. Is he here?
[Randy takes out his gun and begins going from room to room]
Sharona Fleming: Hey, would you put that away?! This is my house!
Lt. Randall Disher: He's killed before.
Sharona Fleming: No he hasn't!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we know that you took him. Now either you tell us where he is or I'm going to have to take you in. That is the law.
Lt. Randall Disher: [walks back out of the living room, speaking into his walkie-talkie] Living room secure, heading to the kitchen.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to use the walkie-talkie. I'm ten feet away.
Lt. Randall Disher: Roger that.
[puts down the walkie-talkie and continues searching]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices some vomit on a wall, and a lot of crooked pictures] Hey, what happened here?
Sharona Fleming: Benjy threw up.
[Stottle
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I hate this.
Lt. Randall Disher: Why don't you stay back, sir? I can handle this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, you can? Since when. [Sharona opens the door]
Sharona Fleming: Hey.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we need to talk.
Sharona Fleming: About what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think you know. [They walk into the house, which looks like it has been hit by an earthquake] What happened here? Did you have a party?
Sharona Fleming: It's Benjy. He never picks anything up.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sharona, where's Darwin?
Sharona Fleming: What are you talking about?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're gonna find him. Is he here?
[Randy takes out his gun and begins going from room to room]
Sharona Fleming: Hey, would you put that away?! This is my house!
Lt. Randall Disher: He's killed before.
Sharona Fleming: No he hasn't!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we know that you took him. Now either you tell us where he is or I'm going to have to take you in. That is the law.
Lt. Randall Disher: [walks back out of the living room, speaking into his walkie-talkie] Living room secure, heading to the kitchen.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to use the walkie-talkie. I'm ten feet away.
Lt. Randall Disher: Roger that.
[puts down the walkie-talkie and continues searching]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices some vomit on a wall, and a lot of crooked pictures] Hey, what happened here?
Sharona Fleming: Benjy threw up.
[Stottle
TV Show: Monk
[Dr. Kroger is at Monk's apartment because Sharona left Darwin loose with Monk.]
Dr. Kroger: I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you. How do you feel?
Monk: [high-pitched voice] I'm fine. These things happen, what can you do?
Dr. Kroger: Exactly, exactly. These are all just material objects. You can always replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or... [sees] pees on.
Monk: Chews or pees on... Chews or pees on...
Dr. Kroger: I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you. How do you feel?
Monk: [high-pitched voice] I'm fine. These things happen, what can you do?
Dr. Kroger: Exactly, exactly. These are all just material objects. You can always replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or... [sees] pees on.
Monk: Chews or pees on... Chews or pees on...
TV Show: Monk
[During a blackout]
Monk: [groans]
Sharona: Benjy, hold his hand.
Benjy: Ow! He's squeezing it!
Sharona: Let him squeeze it.
Monk: When will it be over?
Sharona: Adrian, calm down, they're working on it now, it won't be long.
Monk: When will it be over?
Sharona: I'm telling you, I don't know, they're working on it.
Monk: When will it be over?!
Benjy: Make him stop!
[The lights come back on]
Sharona: See? I told you.
Monk: I didn't know when it would be over.
Sharona: So I heard.
Monk: [groans]
Sharona: Benjy, hold his hand.
Benjy: Ow! He's squeezing it!
Sharona: Let him squeeze it.
Monk: When will it be over?
Sharona: Adrian, calm down, they're working on it now, it won't be long.
Monk: When will it be over?
Sharona: I'm telling you, I don't know, they're working on it.
Monk: When will it be over?!
Benjy: Make him stop!
[The lights come back on]
Sharona: See? I told you.
Monk: I didn't know when it would be over.
Sharona: So I heard.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk has a date]
Sharona: Are you excited?
Monk: Yes... if by excited, you mean petrified and full of regret.
Sharona: Petrified and full of regret. Welcome to the world of dating.
Sharona: Are you excited?
Monk: Yes... if by excited, you mean petrified and full of regret.
Sharona: Petrified and full of regret. Welcome to the world of dating.
TV Show: Monk
[When stuck in a elevator due to a blackout]
Monk: [pushing Emergency Call button] Lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby...
Person in Elevator: Sir, the power is out. That means you can't reach them.
Monk: ...Yeah, you're probably right. [Resumes pushing button] Lobby, lobby, lobby...
Monk: [pushing Emergency Call button] Lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby...
Person in Elevator: Sir, the power is out. That means you can't reach them.
Monk: ...Yeah, you're probably right. [Resumes pushing button] Lobby, lobby, lobby...
TV Show: Monk
[during yet another blackout]
Monk: [stumbles and hits something] I cannot find my night-vision goggles. There is a fatal flaw in the night-vision goggle plan!
Monk: [stumbles and hits something] I cannot find my night-vision goggles. There is a fatal flaw in the night-vision goggle plan!
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in and point their guns at the criminal]
Monk: Lieutenant, these are night-vision goggles! Turn the lights back off, I'll have the advantage! Turn them off!
Lt. Disher: Yeah, we could do that... or we could just arrest him.
Monk: Lieutenant, these are night-vision goggles! Turn the lights back off, I'll have the advantage! Turn them off!
Lt. Disher: Yeah, we could do that... or we could just arrest him.
TV Show: Monk
[Sharona is confused about Monk's near-catatonia after he lands a magazine job on his first interview.]
Sharona: What's the problem? It's a great job!
Monk: I had a great job. I-I was a cop, that's all I ever wanted to be. I couldn't fix the whole world, I knew that. But I could fix... little pieces of it, one little piece at a time. Put things back together. Sharona, I-I need it. I miss it, I-I miss it so much...
Sharona: Hey, hey. I miss it too.
Sharona: What's the problem? It's a great job!
Monk: I had a great job. I-I was a cop, that's all I ever wanted to be. I couldn't fix the whole world, I knew that. But I could fix... little pieces of it, one little piece at a time. Put things back together. Sharona, I-I need it. I miss it, I-I miss it so much...
Sharona: Hey, hey. I miss it too.
TV Show: Monk
Monk: I solved the case!
Sharona: What are you doing?
Monk: I'm dancing a jig!
Sharona: That's not a jig.
Monk: What is it, then?
Sharona: I don't know, I don't want to know.
Monk: I'm back, baby!
Sharona: What are you doing?
Monk: I'm dancing a jig!
Sharona: That's not a jig.
Monk: What is it, then?
Sharona: I don't know, I don't want to know.
Monk: I'm back, baby!
TV Show: Monk