Monk Quotes
[Randy has given Stottlemeyer an update on an arson fire]
Captain Stottlemeyer: What did the fire marshal have to say?
Lt. Randall Disher: Two points of origin. And the test for artificial accelerant came back negative. Uh, positive. [turns to Karen's camera] Could I--should I go back and do it again?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Now the question is... why would anybody torch a wig factory?
Lt. Randall Disher: Probably the owner, for the insurance. [pause]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah that's an interesting theory, Randy, but um... the guy's dead, right? He died in the fire.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What did the fire marshal have to say?
Lt. Randall Disher: Two points of origin. And the test for artificial accelerant came back negative. Uh, positive. [turns to Karen's camera] Could I--should I go back and do it again?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Now the question is... why would anybody torch a wig factory?
Lt. Randall Disher: Probably the owner, for the insurance. [pause]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah that's an interesting theory, Randy, but um... the guy's dead, right? He died in the fire.
TV Show: Monk
[Sharona has her car in the shop for repairs.]
Monk: Tell him about that noise your radio keeps making.
Sharona: That's my music.
Monk: Tell him about that noise your radio keeps making.
Sharona: That's my music.
TV Show: Monk
[FBI agent Colmes wants Monk to wear a wire into a meeting with mob kingpin Salvatore Lucarelli.]
Monk: Okay, okay. Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.
Colmes: Ah, that's fine. Come here, I'll... let me show you this. Ah, you see, these days...
[He pulls out a piece of paper.]
Colmes: We can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. You have six options.
[Monk and Sharona examine the list, with Disher and Stottlemeyer looking over their shoulders.]
Monk: Number One... is out. Number Two... uh, you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you? [Colmes nods.] Okay... no thank you. Number Three...
Sharona: What if you had to sit down?
Monk: Right. Good point. Number Four... [slowly looks up at Colmes, then turns to Sharona.] Even if I die, don't let them do Number Four.
Lt. Disher: Number Five.
Monk: I'll do... okay. I'll do it. I'll try that.
Sharona: That's only for women!
Lt. Disher: Oh! Right.
Monk: Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... Number Six. I'll... I can do that.
Colmes: Number Six? Great.
Monk: Not Four.
Monk: Okay, okay. Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.
Colmes: Ah, that's fine. Come here, I'll... let me show you this. Ah, you see, these days...
[He pulls out a piece of paper.]
Colmes: We can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. You have six options.
[Monk and Sharona examine the list, with Disher and Stottlemeyer looking over their shoulders.]
Monk: Number One... is out. Number Two... uh, you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you? [Colmes nods.] Okay... no thank you. Number Three...
Sharona: What if you had to sit down?
Monk: Right. Good point. Number Four... [slowly looks up at Colmes, then turns to Sharona.] Even if I die, don't let them do Number Four.
Lt. Disher: Number Five.
Monk: I'll do... okay. I'll do it. I'll try that.
Sharona: That's only for women!
Lt. Disher: Oh! Right.
Monk: Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... Number Six. I'll... I can do that.
Colmes: Number Six? Great.
Monk: Not Four.
TV Show: Monk
[Mob "associate" Vince insists on guarding Monk and Sharona.]
Vince: Uncle Sal told me [to] keep an eye on you. It's for your own protection.
Monk: It's a little insulting. I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nineteen.
Sharona: You had a babysitter when you were nineteen?
Monk: Everyone did. It was the seventies; it was a crazy time.
Vince: Uncle Sal told me [to] keep an eye on you. It's for your own protection.
Monk: It's a little insulting. I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nineteen.
Sharona: You had a babysitter when you were nineteen?
Monk: Everyone did. It was the seventies; it was a crazy time.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk gets a confession from the real culprit, but discovers the wire wasn't working.]
Monk: Maybe we can trick him into... saying it again.
Colmes: Oh, really? How're we gonna do that?
Monk: Well, I'll just go back there, sit down, and say... "What?"
Monk: Maybe we can trick him into... saying it again.
Colmes: Oh, really? How're we gonna do that?
Monk: Well, I'll just go back there, sit down, and say... "What?"
TV Show: Monk
[Colmes refuses to support Monk's reinstatement since their sting didn't turn up any evidence against Salvatore.]
Stottlemeyer: Let me tell you something. Adrian Monk may be afraid of germs, heights, elevators, and puppies... but you couldn't pack that man's lunch.
Colmes: Ah, that's true. I've seen that man pack a lunch. He's insane.
Stottlemeyer: Let me tell you something. Adrian Monk may be afraid of germs, heights, elevators, and puppies... but you couldn't pack that man's lunch.
Colmes: Ah, that's true. I've seen that man pack a lunch. He's insane.
TV Show: Monk
[Sharona thinks she is losing her sanity like her father, and believes it's due to the stress of taking care of Monk. She is at Dr. Kroger's office.]
Sharona: I swear to God, if I have a breakdown, I'll never forgive him.
Dr. Kroger: Your father?
Sharona: Adrian.
Sharona: I swear to God, if I have a breakdown, I'll never forgive him.
Dr. Kroger: Your father?
Sharona: Adrian.
TV Show: Monk
Varla Davis: [Picks up piece of paper] "List of Adrian Monk's fears and phobias." Hmm... "Germs, Needles, Snakes, Heights, Milk, Cr..." MILK? You're afraid of milk?! My three-year-old nephew isn't even afraid of milk!
Adrian Monk: You must be very proud of him.
Varla Davis: Yes, I am proud of him, not because of that, but because he's normal. You're not anything near that!
Adrian Monk: You must be very proud of him.
Varla Davis: Yes, I am proud of him, not because of that, but because he's normal. You're not anything near that!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk steps on some bubble wrap on the ground at the crime scene and is compelled to pop it to make it even.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Having fun?
Monk: No.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Having fun?
Monk: No.
TV Show: Monk
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Are you going to pop all of these?
Monk: No choice.
[Capt. Stottlemeyer picks up another side and starts popping it.]
Monk: You've gotta depress it with your thumb—
Capt Stottlemeyer: Monk, I know how to pop bubble wrap!
[He calls two more officers over]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Start popping these.
[They keep popping for a few seconds.]
Officer: Is there any reason why we're doing this?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Nope. Just keep popping.
Monk: Thanks. I really appreciate it.
Monk: No choice.
[Capt. Stottlemeyer picks up another side and starts popping it.]
Monk: You've gotta depress it with your thumb—
Capt Stottlemeyer: Monk, I know how to pop bubble wrap!
[He calls two more officers over]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Start popping these.
[They keep popping for a few seconds.]
Officer: Is there any reason why we're doing this?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Nope. Just keep popping.
Monk: Thanks. I really appreciate it.
TV Show: Monk
[Sharona, Disher, Monk, and Stottlemeyer are in a "Mega-Mart" warehouse.]
Sharona: Tired?
Disher: I was up all night with my girlfriend.
Sharona: Yeah, those imaginary girlfriends can be pretty wild.
Disher: She's not imaginary.
Sharona: [Sarcastically] Really? What's her name?
Disher: Crystal.
Sharona: [Sees box labeled "Crystal Glassware"] What's her last name? Glassware?
Disher: No, it's Smith.
Sharona: You have a picture?
Disher: [Takes picture from wallet, gives picture to Sharona]
Sharona: Oh, she's pretty. [Turns over picture] Randy, this came with the wallet!
Disher: Yeah, I know. She's a wallet model.
Sharona: That's sad.
Disher: Sharona, she's one of the world's top five wallet models!
Sharona: Tired?
Disher: I was up all night with my girlfriend.
Sharona: Yeah, those imaginary girlfriends can be pretty wild.
Disher: She's not imaginary.
Sharona: [Sarcastically] Really? What's her name?
Disher: Crystal.
Sharona: [Sees box labeled "Crystal Glassware"] What's her last name? Glassware?
Disher: No, it's Smith.
Sharona: You have a picture?
Disher: [Takes picture from wallet, gives picture to Sharona]
Sharona: Oh, she's pretty. [Turns over picture] Randy, this came with the wallet!
Disher: Yeah, I know. She's a wallet model.
Sharona: That's sad.
Disher: Sharona, she's one of the world's top five wallet models!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is late for dinner]
Sharona: So where is he, anyway?
Joe Christie: Last I saw, he was putting away boxes in the shoe department.
Sharona: He's putting boxes away?
Joe Christie: [laughing] Yeah...
Sharona: Oh, God. Maybe we'd better go ahead and start ordering now, you know?
Sharona: So where is he, anyway?
Joe Christie: Last I saw, he was putting away boxes in the shoe department.
Sharona: He's putting boxes away?
Joe Christie: [laughing] Yeah...
Sharona: Oh, God. Maybe we'd better go ahead and start ordering now, you know?
TV Show: Monk
Joe Christie: [indicates the prize mug] What do you think?
Monk: I think Edna was killed over this mug.
Joe Christie: Really?
Monk: No.
Joe Christie: Well, maybe it's made out of gold and painted over.
Monk: Joe...
[He taps the mug with his pen. It's obviously ceramic.]
Joe Christie: Hey, you said try 300 theories until one fits.
Monk: I said that?
Christie: Yeah. I remember everything you ever said, God help me.
Monk: I think Edna was killed over this mug.
Joe Christie: Really?
Monk: No.
Joe Christie: Well, maybe it's made out of gold and painted over.
Monk: Joe...
[He taps the mug with his pen. It's obviously ceramic.]
Joe Christie: Hey, you said try 300 theories until one fits.
Monk: I said that?
Christie: Yeah. I remember everything you ever said, God help me.
TV Show: Monk
Christie: 89-cent plastic commemorative plaque. Would you kill someone to get this?
Monk: I'd kill someone not to get it.
Monk: I'd kill someone not to get it.
TV Show: Monk
Monk: [on the phone with Sharona] He's in the kitchen, naming every egg salad sandwich he's ever had. Eight, including today. It's not funny, stop laughing.
...
Monk: Come back soon. And when you do, bring a gun.
...
Monk: Come back soon. And when you do, bring a gun.
TV Show: Monk
[Kevin Dorfman and Monk are looking in a suspects house, and are debating whether they can go in]
Kevin: I know, I'll lean in.
Monk: What?
Kevin: Yeah, you can lean anywhere you want to. It's in the Constitution.
Monk: I can't imagine what Constitution you're referring to.
Kevin: I know, I'll lean in.
Monk: What?
Kevin: Yeah, you can lean anywhere you want to. It's in the Constitution.
Monk: I can't imagine what Constitution you're referring to.
TV Show: Monk
Sharona: I am your nurse! Why didn't you tell me?
Monk: Because I knew you'd bring me down! You're bringing the Monk down, man.
Monk: Because I knew you'd bring me down! You're bringing the Monk down, man.
TV Show: Monk
Sharona: Is it you?
Monk: I think so. [touches a lamp]
Sharona: What happened to "The Monk"?
Monk: Trudy didn't like him.
Monk: I think so. [touches a lamp]
Sharona: What happened to "The Monk"?
Monk: Trudy didn't like him.
TV Show: Monk
Dr. Kroger: Your new assistant is out there, somewhere.
[Monk ponders this for a while.]
Monk: God help her.
[Monk ponders this for a while.]
Monk: God help her.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is interviewing candidates for his new assistant.]
Nurse #2: What would my hours be?
Monk: Nine A.M....
Nurse #2: Until...?
Monk: Until one...
Nurse #2: One P.M.?
Monk: Until one of us dies.
Nurse #2: What would my hours be?
Monk: Nine A.M....
Nurse #2: Until...?
Monk: Until one...
Nurse #2: One P.M.?
Monk: Until one of us dies.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are trying to figure out why the intruders in Natalie's house wanted her marble fish]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, does anybody have any ideas?
Lt. Disher: Maybe it swallowed something. Like a diamond!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Does anybody besides Randy have any ideas?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, does anybody have any ideas?
Lt. Disher: Maybe it swallowed something. Like a diamond!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Does anybody besides Randy have any ideas?
TV Show: Monk
Capt. Stottlemeyer: How are those interviews going? Did ya find anybody?
Monk: I've narrowed it down... to nobody.
Monk: I've narrowed it down... to nobody.
TV Show: Monk
[Pursuing a suspect, Natalie drags Monk through a walkthrough exhibit of a woman's reproductive system.]
Natalie: Pretend you're in a funhouse.
Monk: Funhouse?! What's fun about fallopian tubes?!
...
Natalie: Okay, fetus ahead!
Monk: Ahhhh!
[They turn into the fallopian tubes.]
Monk: Ah, no! Oh, I c— I can't go up there, I— ah, I-I-I-I don't even know this woman.
Natalie: Pretend you're in a funhouse.
Monk: Funhouse?! What's fun about fallopian tubes?!
...
Natalie: Okay, fetus ahead!
Monk: Ahhhh!
[They turn into the fallopian tubes.]
Monk: Ah, no! Oh, I c— I can't go up there, I— ah, I-I-I-I don't even know this woman.
TV Show: Monk
Monk: It must be a heavy burden, to carry such tremendous wisdom.
Master Zi: It is a gift... and a curse.
Master Zi: It is a gift... and a curse.
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie whacks Monk with a pillow from a coffin]
Monk: Natalie! What are you doing? That's a... it's a... death pillow!
Monk: Natalie! What are you doing? That's a... it's a... death pillow!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk has been buried alive.]
Stottlemeyer: All right, listen up! We figure he's got about forty minutes of air if he's not panicking... figure on fifteen minutes.
Stottlemeyer: All right, listen up! We figure he's got about forty minutes of air if he's not panicking... figure on fifteen minutes.
TV Show: Monk
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You remember that convention I went to in Atlanta about four years ago? Well, something happened there that I didn't tell you about. I flew to the airport, I landed, and I hailed a cab. Monk, I recognized the driver. It was Harold Burnshaw.
Adrian Monk: Burnshaw?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Burnshaw, he used to be a Fed. He was a real player. He used to head the F.B.I.'s field office in Atlanta, right up until the 1996 Olympic Games.
Adrian Monk: The Plaza bombing?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Exactly. They accused the wrong guy, Burnshaw booted it big-time on network television, instant career-killer. Now he's driving a cab. Monk, you should have seen his face. I'll never forget it.
Adrian Monk: What does this have to do with...?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Twenty years ago, Sonny Chow froze some of his own blood in the event that he needed surgery. So they've got bulletproof DNA for a comparison, and that's a prelim on the hair we found at the crime scene.
Adrian Monk: [reads from the file] It's a match.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's Sonny Chow's hair. No question about it. He's been dead for six years, and he's my primary suspect.
Adrian Monk: Yeah...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now if I go public with this, and I'm wrong, *I'm* gonna end up at the airport, picking up cops who still have jobs.
Adrian Monk: Burnshaw?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Burnshaw, he used to be a Fed. He was a real player. He used to head the F.B.I.'s field office in Atlanta, right up until the 1996 Olympic Games.
Adrian Monk: The Plaza bombing?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Exactly. They accused the wrong guy, Burnshaw booted it big-time on network television, instant career-killer. Now he's driving a cab. Monk, you should have seen his face. I'll never forget it.
Adrian Monk: What does this have to do with...?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Twenty years ago, Sonny Chow froze some of his own blood in the event that he needed surgery. So they've got bulletproof DNA for a comparison, and that's a prelim on the hair we found at the crime scene.
Adrian Monk: [reads from the file] It's a match.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's Sonny Chow's hair. No question about it. He's been dead for six years, and he's my primary suspect.
Adrian Monk: Yeah...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now if I go public with this, and I'm wrong, *I'm* gonna end up at the airport, picking up cops who still have jobs.
TV Show: Monk