Monk Quotes
Adrian Monk: [as Natalie is leaving] I'm about to solve the case. Aren't you interested?
Chris Downey: [sneaking up behind Monk] I'm interested. [knocks Monk out with a shovel]
Chris Downey: [sneaking up behind Monk] I'm interested. [knocks Monk out with a shovel]
TV Show: Monk
[as Sonny Chow's coffin is opened]
Doctor: Hello...
Natalie Teeger: [covers her eyes] Oh, my God...
Doctor: We're so sorry to disturb you.
Doctor: Hello...
Natalie Teeger: [covers her eyes] Oh, my God...
Doctor: We're so sorry to disturb you.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: I happen to believe that all men are brothers. Every man's bent antenna... diminishes me.
Natalie Teeger: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Natalie Teeger: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
TV Show: Monk
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk... are you sure? I mean, are you really sure? And don't give me any of that "95 percent" crap.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I am one hundred percent sure... that she probably killed him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
[There is a lightning strike outside and a clap of thunder]
Adrian Monk: 95 percent.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I am one hundred percent sure... that she probably killed him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
[There is a lightning strike outside and a clap of thunder]
Adrian Monk: 95 percent.
TV Show: Monk
[In the woods]
Adrian Monk: Are we lost? Tell me the truth, I can take it.
Natalie Teeger: We're... [Stottlemeyer mouths, "NO!"] ...not lost.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God! WE'RE LOST!
Adrian Monk: Are we lost? Tell me the truth, I can take it.
Natalie Teeger: We're... [Stottlemeyer mouths, "NO!"] ...not lost.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God! WE'RE LOST!
TV Show: Monk
[In the woods, Monk stumbles and grabs a tree to keep his balance.]
Monk: Ooh, I got nature, I got nature on my hand! [Natalie wipes off the dirt with a leaf] What are you doing? You can't clean nature with nature!
Monk: Ooh, I got nature, I got nature on my hand! [Natalie wipes off the dirt with a leaf] What are you doing? You can't clean nature with nature!
TV Show: Monk
[Disher has shown up at Kathy Willowby's cabin, having been lured here by Chinese hitmen]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, did you just drive up here?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, so? [Stottlemeyer looks outside and sees that he is in the center of a sniper's rifle scope]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Get down!
[The hit men open fire, and Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer, Disher, Deputy Coby and Kathy Willowby take cover]
Deputy Paul Coby: Who the hell are they?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hit men from San Francisco!
Natalie Teeger: THEY'RE HERE TO KILL MONK!
Kathy Willowby: Good!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, did you just drive up here?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, so? [Stottlemeyer looks outside and sees that he is in the center of a sniper's rifle scope]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Get down!
[The hit men open fire, and Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer, Disher, Deputy Coby and Kathy Willowby take cover]
Deputy Paul Coby: Who the hell are they?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hit men from San Francisco!
Natalie Teeger: THEY'RE HERE TO KILL MONK!
Kathy Willowby: Good!
TV Show: Monk
Monk and Disher: [simultaneously] Oh my God, I've got it! Here's what happened... [Monk and Disher start giving their summations simultaneously, with the camera jumping back and forth between each summation]
Deputy Coby: My head is spinning. Which one are you listening to?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Neither one.
Deputy Coby: My head is spinning. Which one are you listening to?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Neither one.
TV Show: Monk
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [while waiting for Kathy Willowby to pick up the phone] It's ringing.
Natalie Teeger: But Agent Grooms said "no calls."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Agent Grooms can kiss- [Kathy picks up the phone]
Kathy Willowby: Hello?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, hello. Mrs. Willowby.
Kathy Willowby: Yes?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, is Martin there? My name's Darrell Hendershot. I'm a friend of Martin's. We went to high school together. We're having a big high school reunion.
Kathy Willowby: Oh, I'm so sorry! He is on the lake fishing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, well, okay. I'll call back later!
Kathy Willowby: You do that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you very much.
Natalie Teeger: But Agent Grooms said "no calls."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Agent Grooms can kiss- [Kathy picks up the phone]
Kathy Willowby: Hello?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, hello. Mrs. Willowby.
Kathy Willowby: Yes?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, is Martin there? My name's Darrell Hendershot. I'm a friend of Martin's. We went to high school together. We're having a big high school reunion.
Kathy Willowby: Oh, I'm so sorry! He is on the lake fishing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, well, okay. I'll call back later!
Kathy Willowby: You do that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you very much.
TV Show: Monk
[Julie has to go to the bathroom.]
Monk: No, Julie, wait. Here. I'll give you ten dollars to hold it in.
Julie: Really?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, what are you doing? You can't pay a person not to pee!
Monk: Best money I ever spent.
Julie: Sure he can. It's called the free market. I learned about it in school. So, Mr. Monk... how much would you pay me not to throw up?
[about five miles later]
Julie: Here.
Monk: What's this?
Julie: I'm returning your money. I'm not gonna make it.
Monk: No, Julie, wait. Here. I'll give you ten dollars to hold it in.
Julie: Really?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, what are you doing? You can't pay a person not to pee!
Monk: Best money I ever spent.
Julie: Sure he can. It's called the free market. I learned about it in school. So, Mr. Monk... how much would you pay me not to throw up?
[about five miles later]
Julie: Here.
Monk: What's this?
Julie: I'm returning your money. I'm not gonna make it.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is getting onto the Korn tour bus so Julie can use the restroom.]
Monk: They spelled "Corn" wrong!
Monk: They spelled "Corn" wrong!
TV Show: Monk
Monk: I like your music. It's very... musical. But I wish I could understand more of the words.
TV Show: Monk
Monk: [to a Korn member] I like your socks.
Band Member: They're not socks. [He pulls up his pant leg and uncovers a very large tattoo, and Monk covers his eyes and Julie's eyes.]
Band Member: They're not socks. [He pulls up his pant leg and uncovers a very large tattoo, and Monk covers his eyes and Julie's eyes.]
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer has been rudely awaken by knocking at the door. Waking up from a hangover, he accidentally shatters a plate]
Stottlemeyer: Where's my pants? Hey Randy, where's my pants?
Disher: You threw them out the window.
Stottlemeyer: Why'd I do that?
Disher: One of the girls bet you a dollar you wouldn't.
Stottlemeyer: [takes a dollar out of the waistband of his boxer shorts] Looks like she paid off. [more pounding at the door] Coming. COMING! Quit with the pounding! [looks through the peephole in the door, then turns to say]Which one of you idiots invited Monk?!
Stottlemeyer: Where's my pants? Hey Randy, where's my pants?
Disher: You threw them out the window.
Stottlemeyer: Why'd I do that?
Disher: One of the girls bet you a dollar you wouldn't.
Stottlemeyer: [takes a dollar out of the waistband of his boxer shorts] Looks like she paid off. [more pounding at the door] Coming. COMING! Quit with the pounding! [looks through the peephole in the door, then turns to say]Which one of you idiots invited Monk?!
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie effortlessly arranges special favors, on the excuse of "because I'm cute".]
Monk: Boy! It's like you have superpowers.
Natalie: It's a gift.
Monk: And a curse?
Natalie: No, just a gift.
Monk: Boy! It's like you have superpowers.
Natalie: It's a gift.
Monk: And a curse?
Natalie: No, just a gift.
TV Show: Monk
[In Daniel Thorn's private elevator, Monk throws a scarf around Natalie's neck.]
Natalie: What're you doing?
Monk: We're reenacting the crime. You're the victim.
Natalie: Wh-what if the elevator starts up?! It'll get caught again!
Monk: It's not going to get caught.
Natalie: W— Then you be the victim!
Monk: N-n-n-n-no! Uh, Sharona was always the victim.
Natalie: I'm sure she was.
...
Monk: We have a system! It's a good system. There's an old saying: Don't... change... anything... ever.
Natalie: That's an old saying?
Monk: I've been saying it for years.
Natalie: What're you doing?
Monk: We're reenacting the crime. You're the victim.
Natalie: Wh-what if the elevator starts up?! It'll get caught again!
Monk: It's not going to get caught.
Natalie: W— Then you be the victim!
Monk: N-n-n-n-no! Uh, Sharona was always the victim.
Natalie: I'm sure she was.
...
Monk: We have a system! It's a good system. There's an old saying: Don't... change... anything... ever.
Natalie: That's an old saying?
Monk: I've been saying it for years.
TV Show: Monk
Stottlemeyer: So, that means if I'm drunk as a skunk, completely plastered, I'm as smart as you?
Monk: Smarter!
Monk: Smarter!
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie refuses to drop out of the school board race after a sniper attack, so Capt. Stottlemeyer sets up protection.]
Stottlemeyer: And I'm assigning you a bodyguard. Lieutenant...
[Stottlemeyer pins a "Vote Teeger" button on Disher's lapel.]
Stottlemeyer: ...thank you for volunteering!
Natalie: He's my bodyguard?!
Stottlemeyer: 24/7!
Natalie: I'm still not dropping out.
Stottlemeyer: And I'm assigning you a bodyguard. Lieutenant...
[Stottlemeyer pins a "Vote Teeger" button on Disher's lapel.]
Stottlemeyer: ...thank you for volunteering!
Natalie: He's my bodyguard?!
Stottlemeyer: 24/7!
Natalie: I'm still not dropping out.
TV Show: Monk
[Disher tests some lasagna Whitman brought in]
Disher: A little too much oregano, but it's not poisoned.
Jack Whitman: That's what every cook likes to hear.
Disher: A little too much oregano, but it's not poisoned.
Jack Whitman: That's what every cook likes to hear.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Harold Krenshaw cannot decide how to organize donuts in a box]
Stottlemeyer: Or I can do this.
[He folds up the box multiple times and over itself.]
Stottlemeyer: There. Now there's one donut. One big damn donut.
Stottlemeyer: Or I can do this.
[He folds up the box multiple times and over itself.]
Stottlemeyer: There. Now there's one donut. One big damn donut.
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer and Monk discuss two-year-old Tommy's discovery of a severed finger.]
Monk: Where did he find it?
Stottlemeyer: The boy's not talking.
Monk: Maybe he hates cops.
Stottlemeyer: Maybe he's two years old.
Monk: Where did he find it?
Stottlemeyer: The boy's not talking.
Monk: Maybe he hates cops.
Stottlemeyer: Maybe he's two years old.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]
Teresa Crane: Now... before I go, do you have any questions for me?
Monk: Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?
Teresa Crane: He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only smaller portions.
Monk: Oh. So he's like a person.
Teresa Crane: Now... before I go, do you have any questions for me?
Monk: Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?
Teresa Crane: He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only smaller portions.
Monk: Oh. So he's like a person.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk calls 9-1-1 while babysitting Tommy.]
911 Operator: You mean, you've never changed a diaper?
Monk: Hurry!
911 Operator: Okay, sir. On the side of the diaper there should be two Velcro straps.
Monk: Okay, I've got the straps.
911 Operator: Now rip 'em open!
[sound of Velcro ripping]
Monk: Oh! Oooohh! Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!
911 Operator: You mean, you've never changed a diaper?
Monk: Hurry!
911 Operator: Okay, sir. On the side of the diaper there should be two Velcro straps.
Monk: Okay, I've got the straps.
911 Operator: Now rip 'em open!
[sound of Velcro ripping]
Monk: Oh! Oooohh! Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!
TV Show: Monk
Natalie: Oh, my God! What is this? Why is he wearing a helmet?
Monk: To protect his head.
Natalie: It must be so uncomfortable.
Monk: Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one all the time.
Natalie: Your parents made you wear a helmet?
Monk: No.
Monk: To protect his head.
Natalie: It must be so uncomfortable.
Monk: Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one all the time.
Natalie: Your parents made you wear a helmet?
Monk: No.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]
Natalie: Oh my gosh, look! He's separating his food!
Tommy: Me separating food!
Natalie: Oh my gosh, look! He's separating his food!
Tommy: Me separating food!
TV Show: Monk
[A less-competent detective arrives at the crime scene with all the answers.]
Monk: He's cheating!
Stottlemeyer: Monk, this isn't the fourth grade.
Monk: He's cheating!
Monk: He's cheating!
Stottlemeyer: Monk, this isn't the fourth grade.
Monk: He's cheating!
TV Show: Monk
Mary Gilstrap: I have to have a Neptune bar every night or else I can't sleep. Funny, isn't it? I guess we all have our little quirks.
Monk: [nonchanantly] Yes, I suppose we do...
Monk: [nonchanantly] Yes, I suppose we do...
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie's cell phone rings]
Monk: Natalie, it's me, Adrian Monk.
Natalie: Yes, Mr. Monk, we were just talking about you.
Monk: Natalie, you have to come back here.
Natalie: I can't right now, Mr. Monk, I'm at the pizzeria talking to the manager.
Monk: It's Ebola.
Natalie: Excuse me?
Monk: I think I have the Ebola virus.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk you do not have the Ebola virus.
Monk: I'm pretty sure I do, I have all the symptoms, I have the headache, the fever, the massive internal bleeding.
Natalie: You have massive internal bleeding?
Monk: Yes, I believe I do, that is my opinion.
Monk: Natalie, it's me, Adrian Monk.
Natalie: Yes, Mr. Monk, we were just talking about you.
Monk: Natalie, you have to come back here.
Natalie: I can't right now, Mr. Monk, I'm at the pizzeria talking to the manager.
Monk: It's Ebola.
Natalie: Excuse me?
Monk: I think I have the Ebola virus.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk you do not have the Ebola virus.
Monk: I'm pretty sure I do, I have all the symptoms, I have the headache, the fever, the massive internal bleeding.
Natalie: You have massive internal bleeding?
Monk: Yes, I believe I do, that is my opinion.
TV Show: Monk