Monk Quotes
[Monk is in bed and Natalie brings him some soup.]
Monk: I see letters!
Natalie: It's alphabet soup.
Monk: I see letters!
Natalie: It's alphabet soup.
TV Show: Monk
[While Monk's in bed Stottlemeyer visits him.]
Stottlemeyer: [pointing to machine] What's this?
Monk: Humidifier.
Stottlemeyer: [Pointing to other machine] And this?
Monk: De-humidifier.
[long pause]
Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out?
Monk: Exactly.
Stottlemeyer: [pointing to machine] What's this?
Monk: Humidifier.
Stottlemeyer: [Pointing to other machine] And this?
Monk: De-humidifier.
[long pause]
Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out?
Monk: Exactly.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk sees two police officers conversing at a crime scene.]
Monk: [to Natalie] They're talking about football. I have that one! Give me the cards.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you don't need the cards.
Monk: Give me the cards.
[Natalie hands him the cards. Monk rummages through them.]
Monk: Let's see, weather, politics, movies, swear words...
Natalie: Swear words?
Monk: Here's football.
[He looks at the cards and approaches the officers.]
Monk: You guys are talking about the football game last night? The San Francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points.
Police Officer #1: Yes, we know.
Monk: It was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. It was the turn-overs. They always comeback to haunt you.
Police Officer #2: Yeah, we were just saying Rattay can't handle the pressure. Why didn't they take him out?
[Monk thinks for a moment and goes back to the cards. He returns to the police officers.]
Monk: That's true about quarterback Tim Rattay. But don't forget, he won 4 out of the 5 last home games.
Police Officer #2: But they were in Houston, Monk.
[Long pause.]
Monk: You guys want to hear some swear words?
Monk: [to Natalie] They're talking about football. I have that one! Give me the cards.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you don't need the cards.
Monk: Give me the cards.
[Natalie hands him the cards. Monk rummages through them.]
Monk: Let's see, weather, politics, movies, swear words...
Natalie: Swear words?
Monk: Here's football.
[He looks at the cards and approaches the officers.]
Monk: You guys are talking about the football game last night? The San Francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points.
Police Officer #1: Yes, we know.
Monk: It was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. It was the turn-overs. They always comeback to haunt you.
Police Officer #2: Yeah, we were just saying Rattay can't handle the pressure. Why didn't they take him out?
[Monk thinks for a moment and goes back to the cards. He returns to the police officers.]
Monk: That's true about quarterback Tim Rattay. But don't forget, he won 4 out of the 5 last home games.
Police Officer #2: But they were in Houston, Monk.
[Long pause.]
Monk: You guys want to hear some swear words?
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is trying to keep Al Nicoletto occupied, and due to a mixup, he has accidentally been given the full strength wine rather than the non-alcoholic wine]
Monk: You look like a moose. I think I'll call you... Mr. Look-like-a-moose.
Monk: You look like a moose. I think I'll call you... Mr. Look-like-a-moose.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is in shock when faced with evidence that his wife Trudy faked her own death.]
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I'm not going to believe anything until I hear it from you. Is Trudy alive?
Monk: I don't know. But if it's true, then nothing is true. If this is true, nothing is true.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I'm not going to believe anything until I hear it from you. Is Trudy alive?
Monk: I don't know. But if it's true, then nothing is true. If this is true, nothing is true.
TV Show: Monk
Monk: I got her back. For an hour and a half. I thought she might be alive. I had hope. Isn't hope the worst?
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie pins Theresa Scott, her brother's murderous new wife, to the floor]
Natalie: Stay away from our family. We have enough problems.
Natalie: Stay away from our family. We have enough problems.
TV Show: Monk
[after Randy offers to be Natalie's date to the wedding]
Natalie: Hey, is Parnell still dating that parole officer?
Stottlemeyer: No, he married her.
Disher: I have my own tux and everything.
Natalie: Ooh, ooh, what about that B-and-E suspect you brought in last week? He was kind of cute.
Stottlemeyer: Not cute enough to make bail.
Natalie: Hey, is Parnell still dating that parole officer?
Stottlemeyer: No, he married her.
Disher: I have my own tux and everything.
Natalie: Ooh, ooh, what about that B-and-E suspect you brought in last week? He was kind of cute.
Stottlemeyer: Not cute enough to make bail.
TV Show: Monk
[looking at the body fished from the hotel mud bath]
Natalie: Who is he?
Lt. Bristo: So far he's John Doe.
Stottlemeyer: I'm willing to bet that that is the same green mud you found in the car.
Natalie: Is he the driver?
Stottlemeyer: No, not likely. According to the coroner, this guy died at least thirty-six hours ago.
Monk: Captain... he's the wedding photographer! The one that's been missing.
Lt. Bristo: How do you know that?
Monk: [points] The discoloration on his fingertips. It's caused by developer fluid. I've seen it in other photographers.
[Stottlemeyer chuckles and shares a look with Bristo]
Bristo: I'm glad he's on our team.
Natalie: Who is he?
Lt. Bristo: So far he's John Doe.
Stottlemeyer: I'm willing to bet that that is the same green mud you found in the car.
Natalie: Is he the driver?
Stottlemeyer: No, not likely. According to the coroner, this guy died at least thirty-six hours ago.
Monk: Captain... he's the wedding photographer! The one that's been missing.
Lt. Bristo: How do you know that?
Monk: [points] The discoloration on his fingertips. It's caused by developer fluid. I've seen it in other photographers.
[Stottlemeyer chuckles and shares a look with Bristo]
Bristo: I'm glad he's on our team.
TV Show: Monk
Sherry Judd: Adrian helped me out of a jam when we were young. Was that 30 years ago?
Monk: April 12, 1972.
Sherry: You remember?
Monk: I only remember the date... and what everybody wore, and what everybody said, and what everybody did.
Monk: April 12, 1972.
Sherry: You remember?
Monk: I only remember the date... and what everybody wore, and what everybody said, and what everybody did.
TV Show: Monk
Mrs. Monk: Adrian!
Young Adrian Monk: Mom, everybody's watching.
Mrs. Monk: Here's your lunch. It's cut into ten little squares, just like we like. And here's your first aid kit, and your toiletries bag.
Young Adrian Monk: Mom...
Mrs. Monk: You'll thank me later. Don't share your lunch with anyone, and sit near the fire doors. I'll pick you up at 3: 07, I'll be wearing an orange blouse.
Young Adrian Monk: Mom, I know what you look like. I love you, Mom.
[He opens his arms to hug her.]
Mrs. Monk: What are you doing?
Young Adrian: Right, sorry.
[He puts down one of his bags and gives her a brisk handshake.]
Young Adrian Monk: Mom, everybody's watching.
Mrs. Monk: Here's your lunch. It's cut into ten little squares, just like we like. And here's your first aid kit, and your toiletries bag.
Young Adrian Monk: Mom...
Mrs. Monk: You'll thank me later. Don't share your lunch with anyone, and sit near the fire doors. I'll pick you up at 3: 07, I'll be wearing an orange blouse.
Young Adrian Monk: Mom, I know what you look like. I love you, Mom.
[He opens his arms to hug her.]
Mrs. Monk: What are you doing?
Young Adrian: Right, sorry.
[He puts down one of his bags and gives her a brisk handshake.]
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: What was he like? As a kid?
Sherry Judd: Pretty much the same. Careful, smart... sad.
Sherry Judd: Pretty much the same. Careful, smart... sad.
TV Show: Monk
Mrs. Ledsky: Here, take this one. I made it with exactly ten chocolate chips, like you like.
Adrian: [bites the cookie] You're an excellent cook, Mrs. Ledsky.
Mrs. Ledsky: It's a gift... [hand to her stomach] And a curse.
Adrian: [bites the cookie] You're an excellent cook, Mrs. Ledsky.
Mrs. Ledsky: It's a gift... [hand to her stomach] And a curse.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Sherry Judd look at a painting in an art gallery]
Sherry Judd: I love this one - look at their faces. I wonder what they're thinking.
Adrian Monk: She is planning to murder him.
Sherry Judd: What?
Adrian Monk: She's about to feed him Amanita mushrooms - you can tell by the little white spots. It's a deadly poison.
Sherry Judd: Well maybe she doesn't know?
Adrian Monk: She knows. He's been hitting her. She's swollen. See the bruises on her arms and her left eye? She knows what she's doing. [pause]
Sherry Judd: It must be hard, to be you - to see everything.
Adrian Monk: It's awful.
Sherry Judd: I love this one - look at their faces. I wonder what they're thinking.
Adrian Monk: She is planning to murder him.
Sherry Judd: What?
Adrian Monk: She's about to feed him Amanita mushrooms - you can tell by the little white spots. It's a deadly poison.
Sherry Judd: Well maybe she doesn't know?
Adrian Monk: She knows. He's been hitting her. She's swollen. See the bruises on her arms and her left eye? She knows what she's doing. [pause]
Sherry Judd: It must be hard, to be you - to see everything.
Adrian Monk: It's awful.
TV Show: Monk
Julie: I've never seen the snow. Is it beautiful?
Monk: Oh, yes. It's beautiful. You know, no two snowflakes are alike... and it's still beautiful.
Monk: Oh, yes. It's beautiful. You know, no two snowflakes are alike... and it's still beautiful.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie: [after Hodge insults her outfit] He did it.
Monk: Natalie, he's not even a suspect.
Natalie: Damn!
Monk: Natalie, he's not even a suspect.
Natalie: Damn!
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie, wearing a black dress and sunglasses, approaches Randy, who is standing with one foot on a rock, his elbow on his knee, and his head on his fist, gazing off over the water]
Natalie: What are you doing?
Disher: Standing. This is how I stand. What are you wearing?
Natalie: Clothes. This is how I dress.
Disher: This is how I stand.
Natalie: This is how I dress.
Natalie: What are you doing?
Disher: Standing. This is how I stand. What are you wearing?
Natalie: Clothes. This is how I dress.
Disher: This is how I stand.
Natalie: This is how I dress.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie cut in line trying to get into Julian Hodge's fashion show while searching for Julie.]
Monk: I'm on the list.
Security guard: Name?
Monk: Puff Daddy, plus 1.
Monk: I'm on the list.
Security guard: Name?
Monk: Puff Daddy, plus 1.
TV Show: Monk
Monk: Natalie! Don't eat the food back there. I just saw two of the models throwing up.
TV Show: Monk
[Julian Hodge has been arrested for murder and he is being led away in handcuffs]
Julian Hodge: [to Natalie] So, it's true what they say, huh? You can never judge a person by how they dress.
Natalie: Well, let me tell you about what you're going to be wearing. I hope you like orange. It's a little jumpsuit thing, it has a number right here. You can wear it anywhere, really. Indoors, walking around the yard...
Julian Hodge: [to Natalie] So, it's true what they say, huh? You can never judge a person by how they dress.
Natalie: Well, let me tell you about what you're going to be wearing. I hope you like orange. It's a little jumpsuit thing, it has a number right here. You can wear it anywhere, really. Indoors, walking around the yard...
TV Show: Monk
[Disher tells Natalie that Monk has been found in Wyoming, where a trucker dropped him off.]
Natalie: Are they sure it's really him?
Lt. Disher: The trucker gave him a five dollar bill, the guy kept smoothing it out.
Natalie: He's alive!
Natalie: Are they sure it's really him?
Lt. Disher: The trucker gave him a five dollar bill, the guy kept smoothing it out.
Natalie: He's alive!
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie is about to touch Devo, Gerald Vengal's pet]
Natalie: He's actually kinda cute. [leans forward to pet it]
Monk: Natalie, don't touch him! Later on, when we have time, I'll tell you a little story about the Black Plague.
Natalie: He's actually kinda cute. [leans forward to pet it]
Monk: Natalie, don't touch him! Later on, when we have time, I'll tell you a little story about the Black Plague.
TV Show: Monk
[Inspector St. Clare is outside the MacMillan Museum and Rufus pulls up in his van]
Inspector St. Clare: Excuse me! Any suspects, yet?
Rufus: I wouldn't know. I'm just delivering flowers.
'Inspector St. Clare: No you're not. You're a private detective, like me.
Rufus: [scoffs] Me, a detective? That's uh, very funny by the way! I can't wait to tell the guys...
Inspector St. Clare: Look, you're selling it to me! That satellite dish on your roof, the number on the side - "555" - obviously a fake. Now conclusion number 1, you're after the Alexander Diamond. Conclusion number 2, you haven't got a prayer. [Dirk, a motorcycle rider, wheels in and parks his motorcycle in a handicap space]
Rufus: Excuse me! That's a handicap spot!
Dirk: It's okay. I'm psychotic. Is this where they stole the rock?
Inspector St. Clare: You judging me?
Dirk: Not anymore.
Inspector St. Clare: Excuse me! Any suspects, yet?
Rufus: I wouldn't know. I'm just delivering flowers.
'Inspector St. Clare: No you're not. You're a private detective, like me.
Rufus: [scoffs] Me, a detective? That's uh, very funny by the way! I can't wait to tell the guys...
Inspector St. Clare: Look, you're selling it to me! That satellite dish on your roof, the number on the side - "555" - obviously a fake. Now conclusion number 1, you're after the Alexander Diamond. Conclusion number 2, you haven't got a prayer. [Dirk, a motorcycle rider, wheels in and parks his motorcycle in a handicap space]
Rufus: Excuse me! That's a handicap spot!
Dirk: It's okay. I'm psychotic. Is this where they stole the rock?
Inspector St. Clare: You judging me?
Dirk: Not anymore.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk spots a frog while looking at the crash site]
Adrian Monk: Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog.
Natalie Teeger: Are you afraid of frogs?
Adrian Monk: I don't know; I've never been this close to one. [A frog hops on his shoe] Yes, the answer is yes. Put frogs on the list. Where's the list?
Adrian Monk: Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog.
Natalie Teeger: Are you afraid of frogs?
Adrian Monk: I don't know; I've never been this close to one. [A frog hops on his shoe] Yes, the answer is yes. Put frogs on the list. Where's the list?
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer reads the coroner's report to Monk and Natalie]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's the coroner's report. Victim's name: Danny Chasen, it's probably an alias. The victim was poisoned. Somebody spiked his all-natural barley tea with ammonia.
Adrian Monk: Was he part of the heist?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looks like it. They found some hair samples in that rolltop desk at the museum that matched the body.
Natalie Teeger: Where's the diamond?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still missing in action. Wasn't on him or in the cabin.
Adrian Monk: We know he had a partner, somebody who works at the museum. It's probably still with him.
Natalie Teeger: So the reward is still good? I mean, nobody's claimed it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, as far as I know. The reward is still good.
Natalie Teeger: [holds up file] Ka-ching!
Adrian Monk: [to Stottlemeyer] Could you make her stop saying that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This is no longer a parlor game. A man is dead. This is a homicide investigation, which means nobody is to withold any information from anybody.
Natalie Teeger: [noticing that Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at her with accusing looks] What? Are you looking at me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes I am, Ms. Teeger.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's the coroner's report. Victim's name: Danny Chasen, it's probably an alias. The victim was poisoned. Somebody spiked his all-natural barley tea with ammonia.
Adrian Monk: Was he part of the heist?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looks like it. They found some hair samples in that rolltop desk at the museum that matched the body.
Natalie Teeger: Where's the diamond?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still missing in action. Wasn't on him or in the cabin.
Adrian Monk: We know he had a partner, somebody who works at the museum. It's probably still with him.
Natalie Teeger: So the reward is still good? I mean, nobody's claimed it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, as far as I know. The reward is still good.
Natalie Teeger: [holds up file] Ka-ching!
Adrian Monk: [to Stottlemeyer] Could you make her stop saying that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This is no longer a parlor game. A man is dead. This is a homicide investigation, which means nobody is to withold any information from anybody.
Natalie Teeger: [noticing that Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at her with accusing looks] What? Are you looking at me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes I am, Ms. Teeger.
TV Show: Monk
[Randy is questioning security guard Warren Landis about where he was during the robbery]
Warren Landis: I want to help you guys. I really do, but they've questioned me three times.
Lt. Randall Disher: It's not just you, Mr. Landis. We're talking to all the guards, cleaning staff, curators; anybody who was at the museum.
Warren Landis: Yeah, but I haven't been home yet!
Lt. Randall Disher: And I appreciate that. We just need your official statement, and you're free to go. So for the record, where were you during the robbery?
Warren Landis: OK, for the tenth time, I was at my station on the main floor. I *never* left. I didn't even go to the bathroom.
Lt. Randall Disher: And you didn't hear anything unusual?
Warren Landis: No, sir. I was three floors away.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. [noticing Monk and Natalie] Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink?
[Randy walks over to the cooler where Monk and Natalie are standing]
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Nat.
Adrian Monk: What's going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: What? You haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum. It was big, big! The Alexander Diamond.
Natalie Teeger: Whoa!
Lt. Randall Disher: I know whoa! Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on site.
Adrian Monk: So you're not arresting him about the drugs?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, no, what drugs?
Adrian Monk: His fingertips are stained. It looks like red phosphorus. You get that from making crystal meth. He's got to have a lab somewhere.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, I'll look into it. [turns to Landis] Excuse me, Mr. Landis. [to Monk and Natalie] If the Captain
Warren Landis: I want to help you guys. I really do, but they've questioned me three times.
Lt. Randall Disher: It's not just you, Mr. Landis. We're talking to all the guards, cleaning staff, curators; anybody who was at the museum.
Warren Landis: Yeah, but I haven't been home yet!
Lt. Randall Disher: And I appreciate that. We just need your official statement, and you're free to go. So for the record, where were you during the robbery?
Warren Landis: OK, for the tenth time, I was at my station on the main floor. I *never* left. I didn't even go to the bathroom.
Lt. Randall Disher: And you didn't hear anything unusual?
Warren Landis: No, sir. I was three floors away.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. [noticing Monk and Natalie] Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink?
[Randy walks over to the cooler where Monk and Natalie are standing]
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Nat.
Adrian Monk: What's going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: What? You haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum. It was big, big! The Alexander Diamond.
Natalie Teeger: Whoa!
Lt. Randall Disher: I know whoa! Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on site.
Adrian Monk: So you're not arresting him about the drugs?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, no, what drugs?
Adrian Monk: His fingertips are stained. It looks like red phosphorus. You get that from making crystal meth. He's got to have a lab somewhere.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, I'll look into it. [turns to Landis] Excuse me, Mr. Landis. [to Monk and Natalie] If the Captain
TV Show: Monk
[The day after Jennie Mandeville confesses to stealing a pen from a bank, she comes back and confesses to accidentally killing her roommate and dumping his body]
Lt. Disher: Jenny, what did you do with the body?
Jenny Mandeville: I flushed it down the toilet. [Realizing that this is another false "confession", Randy switches off the tape recorder]
Lt. Disher: Was Tony a goldfish?
Jenny Mandeville: A hamster.
Lt. Disher: Jenny, what did you do with the body?
Jenny Mandeville: I flushed it down the toilet. [Realizing that this is another false "confession", Randy switches off the tape recorder]
Lt. Disher: Was Tony a goldfish?
Jenny Mandeville: A hamster.
TV Show: Monk