Monty Python and the Holy Grail Quotes
Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like... and then... spank me.
All: And me. And me too. And me.
Dingo: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking.
All: And me. And me too. And me.
Dingo: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
French Soldier: Un cadeau.
Other French soldiers: A what?
French Soldier: A present.
Other French soldiers: Oh. Un cadeau.
Other French soldiers: Oui oui.
French Soldier: Allons y!
Other French soldiers: What?
French Soldier: Let's go!
Other French soldiers: Oh.
Other French soldiers: A what?
French Soldier: A present.
Other French soldiers: Oh. Un cadeau.
Other French soldiers: Oui oui.
French Soldier: Allons y!
Other French soldiers: What?
French Soldier: Let's go!
Other French soldiers: Oh.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
French Soldier: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he will be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
King Arthur: What?
Sir Galahad: He said they've already got one!
King Arthur: Are you sure he's got one?
French Soldier: Oh yes, it's very nice!
French Soldier: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he will be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
King Arthur: What?
Sir Galahad: He said they've already got one!
King Arthur: Are you sure he's got one?
French Soldier: Oh yes, it's very nice!
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur: Can we come up and have a look?
French Soldier: Of course not. You're English types.
King Arthur: What are you then?
French Soldier: I'm French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?
Sir Galahad: What are you doing in England?
French Soldier: Mind your own business.
French Soldier: Of course not. You're English types.
King Arthur: What are you then?
French Soldier: I'm French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?
Sir Galahad: What are you doing in England?
French Soldier: Mind your own business.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight. [the Black Knight doesn't respond]
King Arthur: I am Arthur, King of the Britons. [no response]
King Arthur: I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land who will join me in my court at Camelot. [no response]
King Arthur: You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? [no response]
King Arthur: You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy! [attempts to get around the Black Knight]
Black Knight: None shall pass.
King Arthur: What?
Black Knight: None shall pass!
King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight. But I must cross this bridge.
Black Knight: Then you shall die.
King Arthur: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
Black Knight: I move for no man.
King Arthur: So be it! [they fight until Arthur cuts off Black Knight's left arm]
King Arthur: Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!
Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch!
King Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off!
Black Knight: No, it isn't!
King Arthur: Well, what's that then?
King Arthur: I've had worse.
King Arthur: You liar!
Black Knight: Come on, you pansy! [they fight again. Arthur cuts off the Knight's right arm]
King Arthur: Victory is mine! [kneels to pray]
King Arthur: We thank thee, Lord, that in thy mercy - [cut off by the Knight kicking him] <
King Arthur: I am Arthur, King of the Britons. [no response]
King Arthur: I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land who will join me in my court at Camelot. [no response]
King Arthur: You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? [no response]
King Arthur: You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy! [attempts to get around the Black Knight]
Black Knight: None shall pass.
King Arthur: What?
Black Knight: None shall pass!
King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight. But I must cross this bridge.
Black Knight: Then you shall die.
King Arthur: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
Black Knight: I move for no man.
King Arthur: So be it! [they fight until Arthur cuts off Black Knight's left arm]
King Arthur: Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!
Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch!
King Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off!
Black Knight: No, it isn't!
King Arthur: Well, what's that then?
King Arthur: I've had worse.
King Arthur: You liar!
Black Knight: Come on, you pansy! [they fight again. Arthur cuts off the Knight's right arm]
King Arthur: Victory is mine! [kneels to pray]
King Arthur: We thank thee, Lord, that in thy mercy - [cut off by the Knight kicking him] <
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
[the Black Knight continues to threaten Arthur despite getting both his arms and one of his legs cut off]
Black Knight: Right, I'll do you for that!
King Arthur: You'll what?
Black Knight: Come here!
King Arthur: What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
Black Knight: I'm invincible!
King Arthur: ...You're a loony.
Black Knight: Right, I'll do you for that!
King Arthur: You'll what?
Black Knight: Come here!
King Arthur: What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
Black Knight: I'm invincible!
King Arthur: ...You're a loony.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Knights of Camelot : [ singing ] We're knights of the Round Table, we dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. / We're knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, We're opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot. / In war we're tough and able, Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable / It's a busy life in Camelot [ solo ]
Knights of Camelot : I have to push the pram a lot.
Knights of Camelot : I have to push the pram a lot.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King of Swamp Castle : Listen, Alice...
Prince Herbert : Herbert.
King of Swamp Castle : Herbert...
Prince Herbert : Herbert.
King of Swamp Castle : Herbert...
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Minstrel : [ singing ] Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis...
Sir Robin : That's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads... looks like there's dirty work afoot.
Sir Robin : That's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads... looks like there's dirty work afoot.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Minstrel : [ singing ] Brave Sir Robin ran away...
Sir Robin : *No!*
Minstrel : [ singing ] bravely ran away away...
Sir Robin : *I didn't!*
Minstrel : [ singing ] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Sir Robin : *I never did!*
Minstrel : [ singing ] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.
Sir Robin : *Oh, you liars!*
Minstrel : [ singing ] Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.
Sir Robin : *No!*
Minstrel : [ singing ] bravely ran away away...
Sir Robin : *I didn't!*
Minstrel : [ singing ] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Sir Robin : *I never did!*
Minstrel : [ singing ] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.
Sir Robin : *Oh, you liars!*
Minstrel : [ singing ] Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
God : What are you doing now?
King Arthur : Averting our eyes, oh Lord.
God : Well, don't. It's just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing. Now knock it off!
King Arthur : Averting our eyes, oh Lord.
God : Well, don't. It's just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing. Now knock it off!
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King of Swamp Castle : Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
God : Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy"...
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
French Soldier : I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Sir Galahad : Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
French Soldier : No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
French Soldier : No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Sir Lancelot : We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Sir Galahad : I don't think I was.
Sir Lancelot : Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad : Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Lancelot : No, it's too perilous.
Sir Galahad : Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Sir Lancelot : No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Sir Galahad : Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Sir Lancelot : No. It's unhealthy.
Sir Galahad : I bet you're gay.
Sir Lancelot : Am not.
Sir Galahad : I don't think I was.
Sir Lancelot : Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad : Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Lancelot : No, it's too perilous.
Sir Galahad : Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Sir Lancelot : No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Sir Galahad : Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Sir Lancelot : No. It's unhealthy.
Sir Galahad : I bet you're gay.
Sir Lancelot : Am not.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur : [ after Arthur's cut off both of the Black Knight's arms ] Look, you stupid Bastard. You've got no arms left.
Black Knight : Yes I have.
King Arthur : *Look*!
Black Knight : It's just a flesh wound.
Black Knight : Yes I have.
King Arthur : *Look*!
Black Knight : It's just a flesh wound.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
French Soldier : Un cadeau.
Other French soldiers : A what?
French Soldier : A present.
Other French soldiers : Oh. Un cadeau.
Other French soldiers : Oui oui.
French Soldier : Allons y!
Other French soldiers : What?
French Soldier : Let's go!
Other French soldiers : Oh.
Other French soldiers : A what?
French Soldier : A present.
Other French soldiers : Oh. Un cadeau.
Other French soldiers : Oui oui.
French Soldier : Allons y!
Other French soldiers : What?
French Soldier : Let's go!
Other French soldiers : Oh.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Sir Bedevere : What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3 : Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere : A newt?
Peasant 3 : [ meekly after a long pause ] ... I got better.
Crowd : [ shouts ] Burn her anyway!
Peasant 3 : Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere : A newt?
Peasant 3 : [ meekly after a long pause ] ... I got better.
Crowd : [ shouts ] Burn her anyway!
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Large Man with Dead Body : Who's that then?
The Dead Collector : I dunno, must be a king.
Large Man with Dead Body : Why?
The Dead Collector : He hasn't got shit all over him.
The Dead Collector : I dunno, must be a king.
Large Man with Dead Body : Why?
The Dead Collector : He hasn't got shit all over him.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
French Soldier : You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
French Soldier : Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of silly persons!
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Who goes there?
King Arthur : It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Pull the other one!
King Arthur : I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur : Yes!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : You're using coconuts!
King Arthur : What?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
King Arthur : So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur : We found them.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur : What do you mean?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Well, this is a temperate zone
King Arthur : The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur : Not at all. They could be carried.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur : It c
King Arthur : It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Pull the other one!
King Arthur : I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur : Yes!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : You're using coconuts!
King Arthur : What?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
King Arthur : So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur : We found them.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur : What do you mean?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Well, this is a temperate zone
King Arthur : The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur : Not at all. They could be carried.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur : It c
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur : One, two, five!
Sir Galahad : Three sir!
King Arthur : THREE!
Sir Galahad : Three sir!
King Arthur : THREE!
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Prince Herbert : But mother,
King of Swamp Castle : Father, I'm father.
Prince Herbert : But father...
King of Swamp Castle : Father, I'm father.
Prince Herbert : But father...
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
The Witch : I'm not a witch I'm not a witch!
Sir Bedevere : But you are dressed as one
The Witch : *They* dressed me up like this!
Crowd : We didn't! We didn't...
The Witch : And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
Sir Bedevere : [ lifts up her false nose ] Well?
Peasant 1 : Well, we did do the nose.
Sir Bedevere : The nose?
Peasant 1 : And the hat, but she is a witch!
Crowd : Yeah! Burn her! Burn her!
Sir Bedevere : Did you dress her up like this?
Peasant 1 : No!
Peasant 3, Peasant 2 : No!
Peasant 3 : No!
Peasant 1 : No!
Peasant 3, Peasant 2 : No!
Peasant 1 : Yes!
Peasant 2 : Yes!
Peasant 1 : Yeah a bit.
Peasant 3 : A bit!
Peasant 1, Peasant 2 : A bit!
Peasant 2 : a bit
Peasant 1 : But she has got a wart!
Random Person in the crowd : *cough* *cough*
Sir Bedevere : But you are dressed as one
The Witch : *They* dressed me up like this!
Crowd : We didn't! We didn't...
The Witch : And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
Sir Bedevere : [ lifts up her false nose ] Well?
Peasant 1 : Well, we did do the nose.
Sir Bedevere : The nose?
Peasant 1 : And the hat, but she is a witch!
Crowd : Yeah! Burn her! Burn her!
Sir Bedevere : Did you dress her up like this?
Peasant 1 : No!
Peasant 3, Peasant 2 : No!
Peasant 3 : No!
Peasant 1 : No!
Peasant 3, Peasant 2 : No!
Peasant 1 : Yes!
Peasant 2 : Yes!
Peasant 1 : Yeah a bit.
Peasant 3 : A bit!
Peasant 1, Peasant 2 : A bit!
Peasant 2 : a bit
Peasant 1 : But she has got a wart!
Random Person in the crowd : *cough* *cough*
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur : Old woman.
Dennis : Man.
King Arthur : Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis : I'm 37.
King Arthur : What?
Dennis : I'm 37. I'm not old.
King Arthur : Well I can't just call you "man".
Dennis : Well you could say "Dennis".
King Arthur : I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis : Well you didn't bother to find out did you?
King Arthur : I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...
Dennis : What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
King Arthur : Well I am king.
Dennis : Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.
Dennis : Man.
King Arthur : Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis : I'm 37.
King Arthur : What?
Dennis : I'm 37. I'm not old.
King Arthur : Well I can't just call you "man".
Dennis : Well you could say "Dennis".
King Arthur : I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis : Well you didn't bother to find out did you?
King Arthur : I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...
Dennis : What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
King Arthur : Well I am king.
Dennis : Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur : I am your king.
Woman : Well I didn't vote for you.
King Arthur : You don't vote for kings.
Woman : Well how'd you become king then? [ Angelic music plays... ]
King Arthur : The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis : [ interrupting ] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Woman : Well I didn't vote for you.
King Arthur : You don't vote for kings.
Woman : Well how'd you become king then? [ Angelic music plays... ]
King Arthur : The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis : [ interrupting ] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Dennis : Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail