Monty Python and the Holy Grail Quotes
King Arthur : NI.
Sir Bedevere : NOU.
King Arthur : No, NI.
Sir Bedevere : NOU.
King Arthur : No No, NI... NI.
Sir Bedevere : No,No,No,No... NI.
Sir Bedevere : NOU.
King Arthur : No, NI.
Sir Bedevere : NOU.
King Arthur : No No, NI... NI.
Sir Bedevere : No,No,No,No... NI.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Woman : Oh. How do you do?
King Arthur : How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose castle is that?
Woman : King of the who?
King Arthur : King of the Britons.
Woman : Who are the Britons?
King Arthur : Well, we all are. We are all Britons. And I am your king.
Woman : I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Dennis : You're foolin' yourself! We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class...
Woman : Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
Dennis : Well, that's what it's all about! If only people would...
King Arthur : Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
Woman : No one lives there.
King Arthur : Then who is your lord?
Woman : We don't have a lord.
Dennis : I told you, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to be a sort of executive officer for the week...
King Arthur : Yes...
Dennis : ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
King Arthur : Yes I see...
Dennis : ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...
King Arthur : Be quiet!
Dennis : ...but by a two thirds majority in the case of...
King Arthur : Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Woman : Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
King Arthur : How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose castle is that?
Woman : King of the who?
King Arthur : King of the Britons.
Woman : Who are the Britons?
King Arthur : Well, we all are. We are all Britons. And I am your king.
Woman : I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Dennis : You're foolin' yourself! We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class...
Woman : Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
Dennis : Well, that's what it's all about! If only people would...
King Arthur : Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
Woman : No one lives there.
King Arthur : Then who is your lord?
Woman : We don't have a lord.
Dennis : I told you, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to be a sort of executive officer for the week...
King Arthur : Yes...
Dennis : ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
King Arthur : Yes I see...
Dennis : ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...
King Arthur : Be quiet!
Dennis : ...but by a two thirds majority in the case of...
King Arthur : Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Woman : Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Sir Robin : Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
King Arthur : Oh shut up and go and change your armour.
King Arthur : Oh shut up and go and change your armour.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
[ King Arthur has just cut the Black Knight's last leg off ]
Black Knight : All right, we'll call it a draw.
King Arthur : [ Preparing to leave ] Come, Patsy. [ King Arthur and Patsy ride off ]
Black Knight : [ calling after King Arthur ] Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
Black Knight : All right, we'll call it a draw.
King Arthur : [ Preparing to leave ] Come, Patsy. [ King Arthur and Patsy ride off ]
Black Knight : [ calling after King Arthur ] Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King of Swamp Castle : Guards, make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
Guard #1 : Not to leave the room... even if you come and get him.
Guard #2 : [ hiccups ]
King of Swamp Castle : No, no. *Until* I come and get him.
Guard #1 : Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
King of Swamp Castle : No, no, no. You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he* doesn't leave.
Guard #1 : And you'll come and get him.
Guard #2 : [ hiccups ]
King of Swamp Castle : Right.
Guard #1 : We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.
King of Swamp Castle : No, no. *Leaving* the room.
Guard #1 : Leaving the room, yes.
King of Swamp Castle : All right?
Guard #2 : [ hiccups ]
Guard #1 : Right. Oh, if, if, if, uh, if, if, uh, if, if, if, we... oh, if... oh...
King of Swamp Castle : Look, it's quite simple. You just stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave the room. All right?
Guard #2 : [ hiccups ]
Guard #1 : Oh, I remember, uh, can he leave the room with us?
King of Swamp Castle : No, no, no, no, you just keep him in here, and make sure...
Guard #1 : Oh yeah, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave, and we were with him...
King of Swamp Castle : No, just keep him in here...
Guard #1 : Until you, or anyone else...
King of Swamp Castle : No, not anyone else. Just me.
Guard #1 : Just you.
Guard #2 : [ hiccups ]
King of Swamp Castle : Get back.
Guard #1 : Get
Guard #1 : Not to leave the room... even if you come and get him.
Guard #2 : [ hiccups ]
King of Swamp Castle : No, no. *Until* I come and get him.
Guard #1 : Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
King of Swamp Castle : No, no, no. You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he* doesn't leave.
Guard #1 : And you'll come and get him.
Guard #2 : [ hiccups ]
King of Swamp Castle : Right.
Guard #1 : We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.
King of Swamp Castle : No, no. *Leaving* the room.
Guard #1 : Leaving the room, yes.
King of Swamp Castle : All right?
Guard #2 : [ hiccups ]
Guard #1 : Right. Oh, if, if, if, uh, if, if, uh, if, if, if, we... oh, if... oh...
King of Swamp Castle : Look, it's quite simple. You just stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave the room. All right?
Guard #2 : [ hiccups ]
Guard #1 : Oh, I remember, uh, can he leave the room with us?
King of Swamp Castle : No, no, no, no, you just keep him in here, and make sure...
Guard #1 : Oh yeah, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave, and we were with him...
King of Swamp Castle : No, just keep him in here...
Guard #1 : Until you, or anyone else...
King of Swamp Castle : No, not anyone else. Just me.
Guard #1 : Just you.
Guard #2 : [ hiccups ]
King of Swamp Castle : Get back.
Guard #1 : Get
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur : Who are you who can summon fire without flint or tinder?
Tim : There are some who call me... Tim.
Tim : There are some who call me... Tim.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
[ Concorde has just been shot in the chest with an arrow bearing a message ]
Concorde : Message for you, sir.
Concorde : Message for you, sir.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Tim : There he is!
King Arthur : Where?
Tim : There!
King Arthur : What? Behind the rabbit?
Tim : It *is* the rabbit!
King Arthur : You silly sod!
Tim : What?
King Arthur : You got us all worked up!
Tim : Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
King Arthur : Ohh.
Tim : That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Sir Robin : You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim : Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Sir Galahad : Get stuffed!
Tim : He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Sir Galahad : Oh, yeah?
Sir Robin : You manky Scots git!
Tim : I'm warning you!
Sir Robin : What's he do? Nibble your bum?
Tim : He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!
King Arthur : Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Sir Bors : Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
King Arthur : Where?
Tim : There!
King Arthur : What? Behind the rabbit?
Tim : It *is* the rabbit!
King Arthur : You silly sod!
Tim : What?
King Arthur : You got us all worked up!
Tim : Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
King Arthur : Ohh.
Tim : That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Sir Robin : You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim : Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Sir Galahad : Get stuffed!
Tim : He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Sir Galahad : Oh, yeah?
Sir Robin : You manky Scots git!
Tim : I'm warning you!
Sir Robin : What's he do? Nibble your bum?
Tim : He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!
King Arthur : Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Sir Bors : Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
[ after Bors is killed by the killer rabbit ]
Tim : I *warned* you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you *knew*, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little *bunny*, isn't it?
Tim : I *warned* you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you *knew*, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little *bunny*, isn't it?
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur : [ about the inscription on the rock ] What does it say, Brother Maynard?
Brother Maynard : It reads, "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh... "
King Arthur : What?
Brother Maynard : "The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh"
Sir Bedevere : What is that?
Brother Maynard : He must have died while carving it.
King Arthur : Oh come on!
Brother Maynard : Well, that's what it says.
King Arthur : Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it.
Sir Galahad : Maybe he was dictating it.
King Arthur : Oh shut up!
Sir Robin : Well does it say anything else?
Brother Maynard : No, just "Aaaaauuuugggghhh". [ knights making groaning sounds ]
Sir Bedevere : Do you think he could have mean, 'Camaaaauuuuggghhhh'?
Sir Galahad : Where's that?
Sir Bedevere : France, I think.
Sir Lancelot : Isn't there a Saint "Aaaaavvvveeeesss" in Cornwall?
King Arthur : No that's Saint "Ives".
Sir Lancelot : Oh, yes. "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"! [ All knights saying, "Iiiiiivvvveeessss" ]
Sir Bedevere : Whooooouuuuaaa!
Sir Lancelot : No no no, it's "Aaaaauuuugggghhhh" from the back of the throat.
Sir Bedevere : No I mean, "Whoooouuuuaaa!" as in surprise and alarm.
Sir Lancelot : Oh, you mean like, "AAAHH!"
Sir Bedevere : Yes, that's it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Brother Maynard : It reads, "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh... "
King Arthur : What?
Brother Maynard : "The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh"
Sir Bedevere : What is that?
Brother Maynard : He must have died while carving it.
King Arthur : Oh come on!
Brother Maynard : Well, that's what it says.
King Arthur : Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it.
Sir Galahad : Maybe he was dictating it.
King Arthur : Oh shut up!
Sir Robin : Well does it say anything else?
Brother Maynard : No, just "Aaaaauuuugggghhh". [ knights making groaning sounds ]
Sir Bedevere : Do you think he could have mean, 'Camaaaauuuuggghhhh'?
Sir Galahad : Where's that?
Sir Bedevere : France, I think.
Sir Lancelot : Isn't there a Saint "Aaaaavvvveeeesss" in Cornwall?
King Arthur : No that's Saint "Ives".
Sir Lancelot : Oh, yes. "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"! [ All knights saying, "Iiiiiivvvveeessss" ]
Sir Bedevere : Whooooouuuuaaa!
Sir Lancelot : No no no, it's "Aaaaauuuugggghhhh" from the back of the throat.
Sir Bedevere : No I mean, "Whoooouuuuaaa!" as in surprise and alarm.
Sir Lancelot : Oh, you mean like, "AAAHH!"
Sir Bedevere : Yes, that's it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
[ the cartoon Knights are being chased by the animated Beast of Aaaaauuuugggggghhh ]
Narrator : And as the Black Beast lurched forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack! [ cut to the animator shown cringing ]
Animator : Ughck! [ falls backwards in his chair ]
Narrator : [ back to the cartoon ] The cartoon peril was no more. [ Beast of Aaaaauuuugggggghhh disappears ]
Narrator : The quest for the Holy Grail could continue.
Narrator : And as the Black Beast lurched forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack! [ cut to the animator shown cringing ]
Animator : Ughck! [ falls backwards in his chair ]
Narrator : [ back to the cartoon ] The cartoon peril was no more. [ Beast of Aaaaauuuugggggghhh disappears ]
Narrator : The quest for the Holy Grail could continue.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Wedding Guest : Look! The dead prince!
Concorde : He's not quite dead.
Prince Herbert : Oh, I feel much better.
King of Swamp Castle : You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!
Prince Herbert : I was saved at the last minute.
King of Swamp Castle : How?
Prince Herbert : Well, I'll tell you. [ music begins playing, the townspeople begin dancing and singing, "He's going to tell, he's going to tell!" ]
King of Swamp Castle : Not like that, not like that! No! Stop it! Nooo!
Concorde : He's not quite dead.
Prince Herbert : Oh, I feel much better.
King of Swamp Castle : You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!
Prince Herbert : I was saved at the last minute.
King of Swamp Castle : How?
Prince Herbert : Well, I'll tell you. [ music begins playing, the townspeople begin dancing and singing, "He's going to tell, he's going to tell!" ]
King of Swamp Castle : Not like that, not like that! No! Stop it! Nooo!
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Minstrel : [ singing ] He is packing it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering off And chickening out and pissing off home, Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
[ last lines ]
King Arthur : [ Arthur and Bedevere have found out that the Holy Grail is in Castle Augh, which is guarded by the frenchmen ] We shall attack at once.
Sir Bedevere : Yes, my liege. [ an army of hundreds of soldiers appears ]
King Arthur : [ to Castle Augh ] French persons, today the blood of many a brave knight shall be avenged! In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight till every one of you lies dead, and the Holy Grail returns to those who God Himself has chosen! [ turns to army ]
King Arthur : Charge! [ the army charges forward, but is stopped by the police and the historian's wife ]
Historian's Wife : [ points to Arthur ] It's that one, I'm sure! [ the police arrest Arthur and Bedevere ]
Policeman : [ turns to cameraman ] All right, sonny, that's enough, just take off. [ turns off camera ]
King Arthur : [ Arthur and Bedevere have found out that the Holy Grail is in Castle Augh, which is guarded by the frenchmen ] We shall attack at once.
Sir Bedevere : Yes, my liege. [ an army of hundreds of soldiers appears ]
King Arthur : [ to Castle Augh ] French persons, today the blood of many a brave knight shall be avenged! In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight till every one of you lies dead, and the Holy Grail returns to those who God Himself has chosen! [ turns to army ]
King Arthur : Charge! [ the army charges forward, but is stopped by the police and the historian's wife ]
Historian's Wife : [ points to Arthur ] It's that one, I'm sure! [ the police arrest Arthur and Bedevere ]
Policeman : [ turns to cameraman ] All right, sonny, that's enough, just take off. [ turns off camera ]
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur : Well, we'll not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Knight 1 : ...You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... WITH... A HERRING!
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Am I right?
King Arthur : I'm not interested!
Second Swallow-Savvy Guard : It could be carried by an African swallow.
King Arthur : Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Oh yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
Second Swallow-Savvy Guard : But then the African swallow's not migratory...
King Arthur : I'm not interested!
Second Swallow-Savvy Guard : It could be carried by an African swallow.
King Arthur : Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Oh yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
Second Swallow-Savvy Guard : But then the African swallow's not migratory...
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
God : Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
King Arthur : Good idea, O Lord!
God : 'Course it's a good idea!
King Arthur : Good idea, O Lord!
God : 'Course it's a good idea!
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Left Head : Halt! Who art thou?
Minstrel : [ sings ] He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who...
Sir Robin : Shut up! Nobody really, just passing through.
Left Head : What do you want?
Minstrel : [ sings ] To fight and...
Sir Robin : Shut up! Uh, n-n-nothing, really. J-j-just passing, uhm, just passing through.
Minstrel : [ sings ] He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who...
Sir Robin : Shut up! Nobody really, just passing through.
Left Head : What do you want?
Minstrel : [ sings ] To fight and...
Sir Robin : Shut up! Uh, n-n-nothing, really. J-j-just passing, uhm, just passing through.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
French Soldier : You don't frighten us with your silly knees-bent running around advancing behavior!
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur : Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
French Soldier : Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he will be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
King Arthur : What?
Sir Galahad : He said they've already got one!
King Arthur : Are you sure he's got one?
French Soldier : Oh yes, it's very nice!
French Soldier : Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he will be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
King Arthur : What?
Sir Galahad : He said they've already got one!
King Arthur : Are you sure he's got one?
French Soldier : Oh yes, it's very nice!
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Narrator : Meanwhile, not more than two swallow's flights away, Arthur and Bedivere had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight away, obviously. There were more than two laden swallow's flights away, four really, if they had the coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking, and dragging the coconut...
Army : Get on with it!
Narrator : And now on to scene 24. A smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, though I think you can hear a starling... [ he retches as he is apparently killed ]
Army : Get on with it!
Narrator : And now on to scene 24. A smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, though I think you can hear a starling... [ he retches as he is apparently killed ]
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Narrator : A year passed: winter changed into spring, spring changed into summer, summer changed back into winter, and winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight on into autumn... until one day...
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur : O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
Leader of The Knights who say NI! : One that looks nice.
King Arthur : Of course.
Leader of The Knights who say NI! : And not too expensive.
King Arthur : Yes.
Leader of The Knights who say NI! : One that looks nice.
King Arthur : Of course.
Leader of The Knights who say NI! : And not too expensive.
King Arthur : Yes.
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Sir Galahad : Zoot!
Dingo : No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo. [ He tried to get past her ]
Dingo : Where are you going?
Sir Galahad : I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
Dingo : Oh, no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
Sir Galahad : What is it?
Dingo : Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is Grail shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.
Sir Galahad : It's not the real Grail?
Dingo : Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a bad person, and she must pay the penalty! [ Turns to camera ]
Dingo : Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now we're glad! It's better than some of the previous scenes I think.
Left Head : At least ours was better visually.
Dennis : At least ours was committed, it wasn't just a string of pussy jokes.
Bridgekeeper : Get on with it.
Tim : Yes! Get on with it!
Army : Yeah! Get on with it!
Dingo : Oh, I am enjoying this scene!
God : Get on with it!
Dingo : No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo. [ He tried to get past her ]
Dingo : Where are you going?
Sir Galahad : I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
Dingo : Oh, no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
Sir Galahad : What is it?
Dingo : Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is Grail shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.
Sir Galahad : It's not the real Grail?
Dingo : Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a bad person, and she must pay the penalty! [ Turns to camera ]
Dingo : Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now we're glad! It's better than some of the previous scenes I think.
Left Head : At least ours was better visually.
Dennis : At least ours was committed, it wasn't just a string of pussy jokes.
Bridgekeeper : Get on with it.
Tim : Yes! Get on with it!
Army : Yeah! Get on with it!
Dingo : Oh, I am enjoying this scene!
God : Get on with it!
Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail