Mr. Show Quotes
Kevin, the slothful child (David): I ... also ... want people to perform ... beastialities for me.
TV Show: Mr. Show
David: I, David Cross ... me, not the character ... am bald.
Jill: I accept you David, but I don't accept the choice you've made.
David: It's not a choice, Jill, God made me this way.
Jill: Then I reject God?
Jill: I accept you David, but I don't accept the choice you've made.
David: It's not a choice, Jill, God made me this way.
Jill: Then I reject God?
TV Show: Mr. Show
Bob Lamonta (David): I did grow a moustache, but I thought it made me look gay, so whoosh! [indicating its swift removal]
TV Show: Mr. Show
Dingle, the ventriloquism dummy (David): Why don't you suck my eight inches of redwood?
TV Show: Mr. Show
Killer B. Killed (Jonathan Fowler Jr.): I don't know, man. These guys got their fuckin' talkin' dolls in here 'n' shit.
TV Show: Mr. Show
Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong): What?! I ain't no Professor Pickles!
Pickles, the ventriloquism dummy (Bob): Yeah, don't mess with the East Coast!
Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong): Look, I don't need you defending me, you Howdy-Doody-lookin' motherfucker. I'm outta here!
Pickles, the ventriloquism dummy (Bob): Yeah, I'm with him!
Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong): Man, step off!
Pickles, the ventriloquism dummy (Bob): Yeah, don't mess with the East Coast!
Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong): Look, I don't need you defending me, you Howdy-Doody-lookin' motherfucker. I'm outta here!
Pickles, the ventriloquism dummy (Bob): Yeah, I'm with him!
Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong): Man, step off!
TV Show: Mr. Show
Jerry, the hanged guy (David): Say, by any chance, are you a murderer?
Wife of Mark, the lyncher (Jill Talley): NO!
Jerry, the hanged guy (David): Oh, good. Then your children will only be half murderer.
Wife of Mark, the lyncher (Jill Talley): NO!
Jerry, the hanged guy (David): Oh, good. Then your children will only be half murderer.
TV Show: Mr. Show
Delongpre Dannon's talkshow guest (David): Fake girl, you oughta be able to have your imaginary baby, because the most wonderful thing in the world is to be an imaginary mother.
TV Show: Mr. Show
Prospective Shoe Court Shoe Store employee (Bob): It was great. It's crack. It gets ya real high.
TV Show: Mr. Show
Shoe Court Shoe Store interviewer (Paul F. Tompkins): I am a control-freak because I was molested by my parents... Oh, God! What a breakthrough!
TV Show: Mr. Show
Shoe Court Shoe Store employee (Jay Johnston): Have you ever taken a train and eaten it piece by piece... after you just derailed it with your penis?
Prospective Shoe Court Shoe Store employee (Bob): Yes...It was for charity!
Prospective Shoe Court Shoe Store employee (Bob): Yes...It was for charity!
TV Show: Mr. Show
Criminy Craffft (David): Eatin' an orange? That was like takin' a trip through a citrus mountain.
TV Show: Mr. Show
Helpful guy in Druggachussetts (John Ennis): And remember, only take what you can handle, and always know your dealer!
TV Show: Mr. Show
Mayor O.D. McCrack (unknown): As mayor of the altered state of Druggachusettes, I declare this pizza to be...awesome!
TV Show: Mr. Show
Bob: Later, we'll be having a beauty contest, and the winner will be crowned "Queen Pretty"!!!
TV Show: Mr. Show
Mother of missing companion (Brett Paesel): We're praying for our boy. He's a wonderful son. And I'm sure a great companion. We also pray for the two young people.
Father of missing companion (Jay Johnston): And, of course, the other companion.
Father of missing companion (Jay Johnston): And, of course, the other companion.
TV Show: Mr. Show
Alexis Jung, designer, and constant chum of Nostradamus (David): Buckle the fuck up!
TV Show: Mr. Show
Fran, member of "Indomitable Spirit" (Sarah Silverman): I'm Fran, and I'm a woman.
TV Show: Mr. Show
Reverend Winton Dupree (Bob): I have a question, and I know you all have it, too: What is up Satan’s ass?! All he wants to do is fuck us up, the dick-licker! Now the Lord said, "I am the light of the world." Now, He could as easily have said, "I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain. Why would you fuck with Me?!" Now, I’ll tell you what. I am the only preacher with the fuckin' balls, and you know this, you all know this, to say, "Satan I damn thee! You goddamm motherfuckin', shit-eatin', cock-suckin', son of a B!" Can I get a fuckin' A?
TV Show: Mr. Show