Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Dr. Forrester: The holiday season is here, the boss is on vacation, and we've gone crazy! Now I know from experience that nothing chafes a kid's hinder more than his request for a neat toy maligned into a neat and practical gift. Enter the Wish-Squisher.
TV's Frank: Yeah, what you do is you take a really cool toy that any kid would dig like these uh, video cassette cartridge games. You take it, stick it through the Wish-Squisher... Voila!
Dr. Forrester: and it comes out as annoying and practical as any gift from Aunt Vida. Check it out: underoos that won't fit for two years.
TV's Frank: And what kid wouldn't love as a gift: more money than he or she will ever deserve. But then, suddenly, it starts to get weird. The rules change; you start to feel kind of bad. Voila.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, what was once the bright promise for the future becomes... your 4-year-old sister's raisin collection.
TV's Frank: And nothing - and I mean nothing - is more fun than racing slot-cars, just like this one, around the Christmas tree. But nooooo!
Dr. Forrester: What was once your first-draft, grade-A choice from your parents as a gift becomes... socks.
TV's Frank: Socks, that's right. Yes, what was once crummy, Speedwall, black and green, rayon-encrusted, uncomfortable socks becomes...!
Dr. Forrester: Run it through again, Frank.
TV's Frank: Okay, running it through... the Wish-Squisher... Well, it becomes!
Dr. Forrester: Ah, a gift certificate for a stationery store.
TV's Frank: Yeah, what you do is you take a really cool toy that any kid would dig like these uh, video cassette cartridge games. You take it, stick it through the Wish-Squisher... Voila!
Dr. Forrester: and it comes out as annoying and practical as any gift from Aunt Vida. Check it out: underoos that won't fit for two years.
TV's Frank: And what kid wouldn't love as a gift: more money than he or she will ever deserve. But then, suddenly, it starts to get weird. The rules change; you start to feel kind of bad. Voila.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, what was once the bright promise for the future becomes... your 4-year-old sister's raisin collection.
TV's Frank: And nothing - and I mean nothing - is more fun than racing slot-cars, just like this one, around the Christmas tree. But nooooo!
Dr. Forrester: What was once your first-draft, grade-A choice from your parents as a gift becomes... socks.
TV's Frank: Socks, that's right. Yes, what was once crummy, Speedwall, black and green, rayon-encrusted, uncomfortable socks becomes...!
Dr. Forrester: Run it through again, Frank.
TV's Frank: Okay, running it through... the Wish-Squisher... Well, it becomes!
Dr. Forrester: Ah, a gift certificate for a stationery store.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I'm telling you, Clay, it was brilliant. It sold millions. The "Paul is Dead" hoax was one of the greatest marketing schemes in history.
Dr. Forrester: And the "Joel is Dead" campaign is the perfect way to pump some life into the video marketing arm of Mystery Science Theater.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: It'll be the biggest marketing coup since Coke changed the formula! Let's review the clues
Dr. Forrester: Yeah! Oh good, good. I was watching this tape earlier and I picked out some things. Here, look at this. See... SAT I. Good, now Saturday the 1st, the first day he died.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Brilliant!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Absolutely. Alright. Okay next, look: Next Sunday AD. AD, After Death. He died on Saturday the 1st, Sunday the 2nd was the funeral.
Dr. Forrester: Okay. Now, now here in the lyric, in the soundtrack, it says there was a guy named Joel. Not is, was.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Well done.
Dr. Forrester: Thank you.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Very nice, very nice. Okay, here's my final one. Okay, look in the opening segment here. He has really long hair. Nowhere else on the show does he have that kind of hair.
Dr. Forrester: Yeah.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You know what they say, hair keeps growing after death. So with Peter Torque, too. Peter Torque, he looks like Peter Torque. Peter Torque has long hair, The Monkees are kinda dead.
Dr. Forrester: Uh, yeah... Yeah. Well, umm... Umm, no.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You know what I'm getting at? They're gonna love it.
Dr. Forrester: Uh, I'm not buying that. I thin
Dr. Forrester: And the "Joel is Dead" campaign is the perfect way to pump some life into the video marketing arm of Mystery Science Theater.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: It'll be the biggest marketing coup since Coke changed the formula! Let's review the clues
Dr. Forrester: Yeah! Oh good, good. I was watching this tape earlier and I picked out some things. Here, look at this. See... SAT I. Good, now Saturday the 1st, the first day he died.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Brilliant!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Absolutely. Alright. Okay next, look: Next Sunday AD. AD, After Death. He died on Saturday the 1st, Sunday the 2nd was the funeral.
Dr. Forrester: Okay. Now, now here in the lyric, in the soundtrack, it says there was a guy named Joel. Not is, was.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Well done.
Dr. Forrester: Thank you.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Very nice, very nice. Okay, here's my final one. Okay, look in the opening segment here. He has really long hair. Nowhere else on the show does he have that kind of hair.
Dr. Forrester: Yeah.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You know what they say, hair keeps growing after death. So with Peter Torque, too. Peter Torque, he looks like Peter Torque. Peter Torque has long hair, The Monkees are kinda dead.
Dr. Forrester: Uh, yeah... Yeah. Well, umm... Umm, no.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You know what I'm getting at? They're gonna love it.
Dr. Forrester: Uh, I'm not buying that. I thin
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: City Limits?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: War of the Colossal Beast?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: Amazing Colossal Man?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: Fugitive Alien?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: Hmmm...â?Fugitive Alien 2?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: Uhh...â?Master Ninja?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: Oh really? Gamera?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: Mmmm...â?Godzilla vs. Sea Monster?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Joel: Gamera vs. Zigra?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: ...vs. Baragon?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Joel: Gamera vs. Guiron?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: How about The Castle of Fu Manchu!
Tom Servo: OK, I'll grant you Castle of Fu Manchu was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film!
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: War of the Colossal Beast?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: Amazing Colossal Man?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: Fugitive Alien?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: Hmmm...â?Fugitive Alien 2?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: Uhh...â?Master Ninja?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: Oh really? Gamera?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: Mmmm...â?Godzilla vs. Sea Monster?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Joel: Gamera vs. Zigra?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: ...vs. Baragon?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Joel: Gamera vs. Guiron?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: How about The Castle of Fu Manchu!
Tom Servo: OK, I'll grant you Castle of Fu Manchu was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: Hi, folks. Mike Nelson here. Crow and Servo are about to help me with the annual Satellite of Love safety check. You guys ready?
Crow: Roger.
Tom Servo: Ramjet.
Mike Nelson: Fire extinguisher?
Tom Servo: Empty.
Crow: Shot it off in your face. Next.
Mike Nelson: Okay. Flare gun?
Tom Servo: Did it.
Crow: Shot it off in your face. Next.
Mike Nelson: First aid kit?
Tom Servo: Used it to treat your flare burns.
Mike Nelson: Right. Parachute?
Crow: Gym class.
Mike Nelson: Life vest?
Tom Servo: Faulty.
Mike Nelson: Ham radio?
Crow: Mistook it for an actual ham.
Mike Nelson: There, the Satellite of Love is completely unsafe. Hey, does anything work?
Tom Servo: Yeah, the toaster over. We used it to bake the ham radio. Mmmm.
Mike Nelson: Oh, OK, well then. We're dead. We'll be right back
Crow: Come on, Mike, we're gonna go stick our heads in the towel dispenser.
Tom Servo: Weeee.
Crow: Roger.
Tom Servo: Ramjet.
Mike Nelson: Fire extinguisher?
Tom Servo: Empty.
Crow: Shot it off in your face. Next.
Mike Nelson: Okay. Flare gun?
Tom Servo: Did it.
Crow: Shot it off in your face. Next.
Mike Nelson: First aid kit?
Tom Servo: Used it to treat your flare burns.
Mike Nelson: Right. Parachute?
Crow: Gym class.
Mike Nelson: Life vest?
Tom Servo: Faulty.
Mike Nelson: Ham radio?
Crow: Mistook it for an actual ham.
Mike Nelson: There, the Satellite of Love is completely unsafe. Hey, does anything work?
Tom Servo: Yeah, the toaster over. We used it to bake the ham radio. Mmmm.
Mike Nelson: Oh, OK, well then. We're dead. We'll be right back
Crow: Come on, Mike, we're gonna go stick our heads in the towel dispenser.
Tom Servo: Weeee.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: The Pony Express: When it absolutely HAS to be there in three or four months or so.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a credit for the Canadian Film Development Corporation appears]
Crow: Oh, Canada, well that– that... that explains why it SUCKED!!
Crow: Oh, Canada, well that– that... that explains why it SUCKED!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.]
Lt. Bradley: Hi-keeba!
Lt. Bradley: Hi-keeba!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Running gag: Anytime Lt. Bradley attempts comic relief.]
Joel, Servo, and Crow: SHUT UP!!!
Joel, Servo, and Crow: SHUT UP!!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.]
Joel: Is he primordialsoup yet?
Joel: Is he primordialsoup yet?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect]
Joel: This grass... It's... drugged!
Joel: This grass... It's... drugged!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
J.C.: [after having killed Rommel's fiancee and beaten Rommel unconscious] I treated you like a brother!
Crow: Not a good brother...
Crow: Not a good brother...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[An Ape military officer gathers the troops.]
Crow [as Officer]: About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap!
Crow [as Officer]: About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Caroline: Catherine, I'm scared!
Catherine: Don't worry, we're with you.
Crow: We're doomed, but with you.
Catherine: Don't worry, we're with you.
Crow: We're doomed, but with you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Trees in the background begin to tremble ominously]
Servo: AAAH! The tree's having a seizure!
Servo: AAAH! The tree's having a seizure!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Professor Bueller: Do you know...
Crow [as Bueller]: ...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do.
Crow [as Bueller]: ...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Bueller shows a clip of a man stammering through a speech, showing us what not to do]
Man #1: Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well...
Crow [as Man #1]: Uh... er... panties!
Man #1: Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well...
Crow [as Man #1]: Uh... er... panties!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Moon Men unleash rock monsters.]
Joel: It's the Monsters of Rock Tour!
Joel: It's the Monsters of Rock Tour!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Hercules has just killed one of the rock monsters by throwing it against a wall.]
Servo [as a rock monster]: Don't let him get you over his head!
Servo [as a rock monster]: Don't let him get you over his head!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: The beautiful bareback riding ballerina, Miss Lucy!
Servo: ...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act.
Servo: ...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the end credits roll...]
Crow: Crew? They had a crew!? I do not believe they had a crew!
Joel: Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch.
Servo: Where to start?
Crow: Crew? They had a crew!? I do not believe they had a crew!
Joel: Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch.
Servo: Where to start?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: If you'd like to contact Harold P. Warren, look in the Yellow Pages for the Fertilizer Corporation of Texas.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The film's penultimate card reads "The End?"]
Crow: The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer!
Joel: No. Always wonder.
[Servo waits impatiently for the card to change.]
Servo: COME ON!
[The last card fades in, thanking the city of El Paso.]
Servo: Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here!
Joel: We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate.
[They leave the theater.]
Crow: The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer!
Joel: No. Always wonder.
[Servo waits impatiently for the card to change.]
Servo: COME ON!
[The last card fades in, thanking the city of El Paso.]
Servo: Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here!
Joel: We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate.
[They leave the theater.]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow [as The Cryptkeeper]: Welcome to the Crypt! We've dug up something for you! [chuckles] Why not stick around and watch Dream On? It's the breast show on TV! [to Joel] Kill me.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over the opening logo (The letters EB in a circle), titles, and credits of this Encyclopedia Brittanica film...]
Joel: Easter Bunny films presents...
Servo: "Truck Farmer": The special edition. Includes scenes the studio thought too graphic for audiences.
Crow: Wonder if they sold this film door to door?
Joel: Easter Bunny films presents...
Servo: "Truck Farmer": The special edition. Includes scenes the studio thought too graphic for audiences.
Crow: Wonder if they sold this film door to door?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Most of us think that these people were really free...
Joel [as Narrator]: But they were just stupid!
Joel [as Narrator]: But they were just stupid!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cortner attends a "Body Beautiful" beauty "auction".]
Mike [as Announcer]: Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off!
Servo [as Cortner]: I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!!
Mike [as Announcer]: Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off!
Servo [as Cortner]: I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Reading the title card]
Servo: Is this love, or is it just rough sex with Michael Douglas?
Servo: Is this love, or is it just rough sex with Michael Douglas?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000