Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[The letter R (for "Ribbon") is represented by children dancing around the maypole.]
Crow: Hey, these are all boys!
. . .
Joel: Hey, there's Jack Klugman and Tony Randall!
Crow: Hey, these are all boys!
. . .
Joel: Hey, there's Jack Klugman and Tony Randall!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: U is for upchuck that comes from below. [imiates vomiting]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: X is for Xmas...
Servo: X is for existential dilemma.
Servo: X is for existential dilemma.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During Y (for "Young"), a clip of children fishing is seen.]
Joel: Y is the chemical symbol for heavy metals that the fish is full of!
Joel: Y is the chemical symbol for heavy metals that the fish is full of!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the film ends]
Crow [as Narrator]: I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness.
Crow [as Narrator]: I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Upon seeing title of movie]
Crow: Daddy-O!
Servo: Must be Harry O's father. Or Wendy O.'s dad.
Crow: Daddy-O!
Servo: Must be Harry O's father. Or Wendy O.'s dad.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".]
Joel [as Chillas]: Let's eat some butter. Gobs of butter. Big handfuls!
[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]
Phil: What's this?
Servo [as Chillas]: It's made of butter.
Joel [as Chillas]: Let's eat some butter. Gobs of butter. Big handfuls!
[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]
Phil: What's this?
Servo [as Chillas]: It's made of butter.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During an establishing shot of a farm, a cow moos.]
Crow: Oh, bless you.
[Cuts to Grandpa Kanamura.]
Crow: [startled] Was he mooing?
Crow: Oh, bless you.
[Cuts to Grandpa Kanamura.]
Crow: [startled] Was he mooing?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Photographer: [trying to get Eiichi's attention] Hey, Boy! Boy!
Joel: Crazy Boy!
Joel: Crazy Boy!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Gaos chows down on a hapless reporter.]
Crow: Welcome to this week's edition of Eat the Press.
Crow: Welcome to this week's edition of Eat the Press.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Glen Manning runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head.]
Servo: [in Irish accent] Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it!
Crow: [in old lady voice] Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it.
Joel: Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish.
Servo: [in Irish accent] Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it!
Crow: [in old lady voice] Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it.
Joel: Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Glenn: All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore.
Joel [as Glenn]: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid.
Glenn: I don't want to grow anymore!
Joel [as Glenn]: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid!
Joel [as Glenn]: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid.
Glenn: I don't want to grow anymore!
Joel [as Glenn]: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Sixty-foot-tall Glenn heads for Boulder Dam.]
Servo: Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site!
Servo: Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]
Mike Nelson [as Jack Perkins]: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old.
Mike Nelson [as Jack Perkins]: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Letters to Santa arrive at the North Pole.]
Crow [as Santa]: Ho ho ho! There's a dollar in every one! My chain letter scam worked!
Crow [as Santa]: Ho ho ho! There's a dollar in every one! My chain letter scam worked!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing]This is the song written for the train chase.
This is the chase, Rocky and Ken!
He tried to kill me with a forklift…
Olé!
This is the chase, Rocky and Ken!
He tried to kill me with a forklift…
Olé!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Ken: There's the ship... but how do I get aboard?
Servo: Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board!
Servo: Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Bobsledding wipeouts are shown in the cavalcade of snow sports.]
Tom: Boy, all this just to talk to Jim McKay.
Tom: Boy, all this just to talk to Jim McKay.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The high-energy narrator mentions skiing, but pronounces it "shiing".]
Narrator: ...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us!
Joel: Yeah, well, you're full of skit.
. . .
[A few moments later, a title card appears on the screen reading "Cross-country skiing amid scenes of winter magnificence in Canada's snow-covered playgrounds."]
Tom: Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs.
Narrator: ...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us!
Joel: Yeah, well, you're full of skit.
. . .
[A few moments later, a title card appears on the screen reading "Cross-country skiing amid scenes of winter magnificence in Canada's snow-covered playgrounds."]
Tom: Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over drinks, scientist Tom Anderson (Lee Van Cleef) explains the global power shortage to his friend and fellow scientist Paul Nelson.]
Paul Nelson: I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying.
Servo [as Tom Anderson]: Then gimme back my cocktail.
Tom Anderson: It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me.
Crow [as Tom Anderson]: Bitter? Oh, a tad.
. . .
[As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.]
Joan Nelson: A personal friend of yours?
Servo [as Joan]: Name dropper!
Claire Anderson: [sarcastically] Real chums.
Tom Anderson: The days when people made fun of me are over, girl.
Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]: You will bow down before me!
Paul Nelson: I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying.
Servo [as Tom Anderson]: Then gimme back my cocktail.
Tom Anderson: It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me.
Crow [as Tom Anderson]: Bitter? Oh, a tad.
. . .
[As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.]
Joan Nelson: A personal friend of yours?
Servo [as Joan]: Name dropper!
Claire Anderson: [sarcastically] Real chums.
Tom Anderson: The days when people made fun of me are over, girl.
Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]: You will bow down before me!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Paul Nelson (Peter Graves) observes the carnage of Tom Anderson's mutually fatal battle with the alien.]
Paul Nelson: He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself.
Paul Nelson: He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The movie credits show: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]
Servo: [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best
Joel: [singing] Movies — NOT!
Servo: [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best
Joel: [singing] Movies — NOT!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]
Joel, Crow, Servo: Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera!
Joel, Crow, Servo: Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[An establishing shot of Gaos]
Joel: Here comes old flattop...
Servo: [whispering] Don't! George Harrison will sue you!
Joel: Oops, sorry!
Joel: Here comes old flattop...
Servo: [whispering] Don't! George Harrison will sue you!
Joel: Oops, sorry!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The brain-eating space girls return after the boys fall unconscious from eating drugged donuts.]
Joel [as Space Girl]: Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts.
Joel [as Space Girl]: Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Akio reaches up and finds his head has been shaved]
Akio: Hey, what happened to my hair?
Tom: The space aliens did it, they're cannibals!
Joel: They ate my hair?
[this particular joke was improvised by Josh's Servo in the original KTMA episode]
Akio: Hey, what happened to my hair?
Tom: The space aliens did it, they're cannibals!
Joel: They ate my hair?
[this particular joke was improvised by Josh's Servo in the original KTMA episode]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The crestfallen Tomoko has been reprimanded by her mother]
Crow [as Tomoko]: I'll show her! I'm gonna grow up to break upThe Beatles!
Crow [as Tomoko]: I'll show her! I'm gonna grow up to break upThe Beatles!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]
Joel [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit!
Joel [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000