Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[As the girls, now seniors, walk along.]
Joel: Hey, it's Abbey Road.
Joel, Crow, Servo [singing]: Here we come, walking down the street...
Joel: Hey, it's Abbey Road.
Joel, Crow, Servo [singing]: Here we come, walking down the street...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo [singing]: It's a wonderful world when you're married, when you have a family...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the short ends, it's just after the girls graduated.]
Narrator: Jean and Louise were leaving for their jobs in the city, so you all drove down to the train station to see them all.
Servo: And to re-enact the last scene from Anna Karenina.
Narrator: Jean and Louise were leaving for their jobs in the city, so you all drove down to the train station to see them all.
Servo: And to re-enact the last scene from Anna Karenina.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.]
Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Joel [as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey!
Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Joel [as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]
Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place.
Ken: How will we do it?
Rocky: Easy.
Servo: Wha— wait a minute.
Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place.
Ken: How will we do it?
Rocky: Easy.
Servo: Wha— wait a minute.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In a desert, The Bacchus 3 crew walk past foliage that resembles stalks of corn.]
Crow [as one of the crew]: Hey, corn...CORN?!?
Crow [as one of the crew]: Hey, corn...CORN?!?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Confused about a name in the opening credits]
Joel: What does "A.S.C." mean?
Servo: "A sick cookie".
Joel: Oh.
Joel: What does "A.S.C." mean?
Servo: "A sick cookie".
Joel: Oh.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A large, bleacher-like musical staff appears, and an unseen female voice speaks.]
Mr. B Natural: Boy! Am I glad to see you!
Crow: Well, it's not mutual!
Mr. B Natural: Boy! Am I glad to see you!
Crow: Well, it's not mutual!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mr. B Natural: Knew your father, I did!
Joel: Hey, leave my father out of this!
Mr. B Natural: And your grandfather! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam!
Servo: Yeah, you were the snake!
Joel: Hey, leave my father out of this!
Mr. B Natural: And your grandfather! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam!
Servo: Yeah, you were the snake!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mr. B Natural: The spirit of music's inside all of you.
Crow: No, I bathe.
Mr. B Natural: In you... (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! (Points straightforward while Crown imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit)
Crow: No, I bathe.
Mr. B Natural: In you... (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! (Points straightforward while Crown imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit)
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow [as Princess]: Herc, you gonna help us move?
Servo [as Hercules]: Even if it costs me my life.
Hercules: Now see them both safely back to the city.
Servo [as Hercules]: Even if it costs you my life.
Servo [as Hercules]: Even if it costs me my life.
Hercules: Now see them both safely back to the city.
Servo [as Hercules]: Even if it costs you my life.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Popular high school girl Jeannie approaches Buzz invitingly]
Jeanie: Wanna come? We could dance!
Crow [as Buzz]: Don't hit me!
Buzz: No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay...
Jeanie: But that's not due for two weeks!
Buzz: I know Jeanie... but I...
Servo [as Buzz]: ...I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.
Jeanie: Wanna come? We could dance!
Crow [as Buzz]: Don't hit me!
Buzz: No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay...
Jeanie: But that's not due for two weeks!
Buzz: I know Jeanie... but I...
Servo [as Buzz]: ...I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel [as Buzz]: [in a whiny voice] That hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an androgynous man would come and visit me...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker. Find out why they call him "Buzz".
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mr. B Natural: Better wait 'til he calls on me, though... 'til he reaches for the spirit!
Servo: Yeah, calls for Satan.
Servo: Yeah, calls for Satan.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Returning home from school, a dejected Buzz fends off his mother's concern.]
Buzz: Nah, I better get upstairs, and... do the reading.
Buzz's Mother: All right, dear. Oh, and Buzz...?
Crow [as Buzz's Mother]: This time, don't make so much noise when you "read."
Buzz: Nah, I better get upstairs, and... do the reading.
Buzz's Mother: All right, dear. Oh, and Buzz...?
Crow [as Buzz's Mother]: This time, don't make so much noise when you "read."
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel [as Buzz's Mother]: Why does my kid have to be such a dud? I was popular!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mr. B Natural: Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside you! That's me, B Natural!
Servo: [excited] So I'm attracted to guys now?
[Joel nudges Servo, shaking his head as if to say "stop that!"]
Servo: [excited] So I'm attracted to guys now?
[Joel nudges Servo, shaking his head as if to say "stop that!"]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mr. B Natural: You sing a baby a lullaby, and it coos.
Crow [as Jerry Lewis]: The lull-a-baby-bye! Oh... go away!
Crow [as Jerry Lewis]: The lull-a-baby-bye! Oh... go away!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mr. B Natural is talking about joining the school band.]
Mr. B Natural: And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz.
Servo: Kicks!
Mr. B Natural: The glamour of the uniform...
Servo: Kicks!
Mr. B Natural: The thrill of traveling for a band competition...
Servo: The all-night coke jags in cheap motels!
Mr. B Natural: ...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun!
Crow [as Buzz]: Yeah, that's nice... MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Mr. B Natural: And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz.
Servo: Kicks!
Mr. B Natural: The glamour of the uniform...
Servo: Kicks!
Mr. B Natural: The thrill of traveling for a band competition...
Servo: The all-night coke jags in cheap motels!
Mr. B Natural: ...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun!
Crow [as Buzz]: Yeah, that's nice... MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mr. B Natural: When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn!
Joel: Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity?
Joel: Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]
Joel: You know, I think Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay, you know?
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincere apology for all of this. Please.
Crow [as Buzz]: Forget music, I wanna dance!
Joel: You know, I think Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay, you know?
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincere apology for all of this. Please.
Crow [as Buzz]: Forget music, I wanna dance!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mr. B dances to some music.]
Crow: He's so perky... kill her.
Servo: See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic.
Crow: He's so perky... kill her.
Servo: See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mr. B appears in the music store and begins talking.]
Joel [as Buzz]: [in a panicky voice] Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that!
Joel [as Buzz]: [in a panicky voice] Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: [in a midwestern voice] Oh cripes. Polish, polish, polish. That's what I do all day.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A shot of unpolished trumpets is shown to a background of low music.]
Joel: Honey West!
Joel: Honey West!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Three trumpet shells are shown, with someone behind them.]
Joel: Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong.
Joel: Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[An inspector is checking a trumpet.]
Servo: Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet.
Crow: This trumpet is flatlining!
Servo: Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet.
Crow: This trumpet is flatlining!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Buzz is performing at a school dance]
Joel, Servo, Crow: [singing to the music] We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white...
. . .
Joel: Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad.
. . .
Crow [as radio host]: Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour...
. . .
[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]
Joel: It stinks!
Joel, Servo, Crow: [singing to the music] We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white...
. . .
Joel: Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad.
. . .
Crow [as radio host]: Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour...
. . .
[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]
Joel: It stinks!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: Ah, but in real life, Johnny is last chair with the preschool band.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000