Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Joyce Manning and others, looking for her giant brother Glenn, are in a Jeep rolling down a Mexican back-country road.]
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Car Occupants]: [singing to "99 Bottles of Beer"]100 years of solitude, 100 years of solitude!
Take one down, pass it around,
99 years of solitude!
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Car Occupants]: [singing to "99 Bottles of Beer"]100 years of solitude, 100 years of solitude!
Take one down, pass it around,
99 years of solitude!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]
Narrator: ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides.
Servo [as Narrator]: Here, she re-enacts her first DUI.
Narrator: ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides.
Servo [as Narrator]: Here, she re-enacts her first DUI.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[One of the girls is in her room, practicing her posture, when she notices her clown doll Bombo slumping on the dresser.]
Narrator: Doesn't Bombo look tired?
Crow: Yes, very much so.
[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]
Joel [as Bombo]: No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
[Servo makes broken spine noises]
Narrator: Doesn't Bombo look tired?
Crow: Yes, very much so.
[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]
Joel [as Bombo]: No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
[Servo makes broken spine noises]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A montage of scenes show the posture-pal kids correcting each other's posture.]
Joel: Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other.
Joel: Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tommy and Jimmy are writing at a blackboard; Jimmy draws a crude image of a house leaning to one side]
Narrator: Tommy reminds Jimmy—
Joel: Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you!
Narrator: —when Jimmy stands off-balance.
Crow [as Narrator]: Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face.
Joel [as Jimmy]: Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong!
Tom: Heh-heh... what?
Narrator: Tommy reminds Jimmy—
Joel: Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you!
Narrator: —when Jimmy stands off-balance.
Crow [as Narrator]: Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face.
Joel [as Jimmy]: Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong!
Tom: Heh-heh... what?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A silohuette appears on screen]
Crow: Hey, it's Hitchcock!
Tom: Yeah, after Slim-Fast!
[All sing the Alfred Hitchcock Presents theme]
Crow: Hey, it's Hitchcock!
Tom: Yeah, after Slim-Fast!
[All sing the Alfred Hitchcock Presents theme]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]
Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt...
Servo [as Narrator]: ...in a prison break.
Narrator: ...and now, it's mended as good as new.
Joel [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven.
Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt...
Servo [as Narrator]: ...in a prison break.
Narrator: ...and now, it's mended as good as new.
Joel [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The camera focuses on Dr. Conway (lantern-jawed John Carradine) as he reassures new patient Grace.]
Joel: Hey, John — why the long face, pal?
Joel: Hey, John — why the long face, pal?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Stress patient Natalie enters Dr. Conway's office for an appointment.]
Sharon: Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here.
[Dr. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's inner office.]
Crow [as Sharon]: NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE!
Sharon: Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here.
[Dr. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's inner office.]
Crow [as Sharon]: NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie.]
Sharon: Don't you enjoy the doctor's music?
Crow [as Mark]: Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'.
. . .
[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]
Crow [as Conway]: I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending!
Servo [as Groucho]: I can't think of anything else!
Sharon: Don't you enjoy the doctor's music?
Crow [as Mark]: Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'.
. . .
[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]
Crow [as Conway]: I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending!
Servo [as Groucho]: I can't think of anything else!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Lobo enters the room full of Dr. Conway's guests.]
Lobo: Time for go to bed!
Joel: Well said.
Lobo: Time for go to bed!
Joel: Well said.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Danny is telling a long, shaggy-dog story about a giant and Ferdinand the bull to keep Dr. Conway's dim-witted servant Lobo occupied.]
Joel: His story has a better plot than this movie...
Joel: His story has a better plot than this movie...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]
Crow: I wanna decide who lives and who dies!
Crow: I wanna decide who lives and who dies!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The film's opening credits display "Martian Furniture by Fritz Hansen".]
Crow [as TV Announcer]: For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars!
Crow [as TV Announcer]: For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Martian leader Kimar scolds his children Girmar (Pia Zadora) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]
Kimar: Now, go to sleep!
Girmar: Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more.
Bomar: I want to see more toys!
Kimar: No, go to sleep!
Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]: Will you buy me a Golden Globe, then?
Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]: Why, sure!
Kimar: Now, go to sleep!
Girmar: Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more.
Bomar: I want to see more toys!
Kimar: No, go to sleep!
Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]: Will you buy me a Golden Globe, then?
Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]: Why, sure!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]
Joel [as Announcer]: Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter.
Servo: [in nerdy voice] You know… if they cancel Battlestar Galactica, I'm gonna kill myself.
Joel [as Announcer]: Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter.
Servo: [in nerdy voice] You know… if they cancel Battlestar Galactica, I'm gonna kill myself.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, with the door into space about to open.]
Crow [as Santa]: [cheerfully] Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup.
Crow [as Santa]: [cheerfully] Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]
Bomar: The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.
Joel [as Santa]: Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.
. . .
Girmar: Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis raquet!
Joel [as Santa]: We'll have to sell this stuff to Wham-O!
Bomar: The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.
Joel [as Santa]: Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.
. . .
Girmar: Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis raquet!
Joel [as Santa]: We'll have to sell this stuff to Wham-O!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Patrolman: Every day, these are your signs of life, whose purpose is to keep you alive.
Crow: Even though you don't deserve it.
Crow: Even though you don't deserve it.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Patrolman: They figure rules are for the other guy, not for good drivers like themselves.
Servo [as patrolman]: They're communists!
Servo [as patrolman]: They're communists!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In Deep 13, the Mads exchange gifts.]
Dr. Forrester: Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny!
TV's Frank: Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh…
Dr. Forrester: You… hocked… my… Rolex.
TV's Frank: Yah…
Dr. Forrester: Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.
TV's Frank: Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called Final Exit. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.
TV's Frank: Heh heh. Oh, Henry! [N]
Dr. Forrester: Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny!
TV's Frank: Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh…
Dr. Forrester: You… hocked… my… Rolex.
TV's Frank: Yah…
Dr. Forrester: Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.
TV's Frank: Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called Final Exit. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.
TV's Frank: Heh heh. Oh, Henry! [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A policeman yells from his car window through a bullhorn in a heart-pounding, made-for-television car chase.]
Sheriff Kyle: Pull over! This is the sheriff's office!
Crow: Office?! That's a car.
Sheriff Kyle: Pull over! This is the sheriff's office!
Crow: Office?! That's a car.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Holly Trumball (Demi Moore) and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]
Holly: You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you.
Max: I'm going off duty for the day.
Holly: Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand.
Joel: Uh, let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi.
Holly: You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you.
Max: I'm going off duty for the day.
Holly: Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand.
Joel: Uh, let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mr. Trumball: You got a warrant, sheriff?
Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]: Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here.
Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]: Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]
Okasa: The old man hired you?
McAlister: I am not for hire.
Okasa: We are all for hire. In dark times...
McAlister: The dark times have gone.
Servo: You guys speaking in haiku all of a sudden??? Whoa!
Okasa: The old man hired you?
McAlister: I am not for hire.
Okasa: We are all for hire. In dark times...
McAlister: The dark times have gone.
Servo: You guys speaking in haiku all of a sudden??? Whoa!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Max and the Master set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]
Max: Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.
Servo: We'll be the judge of that.
Crow [as TV announcer]: Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production.
Max: We're being followed!
Servo [as the Master]: Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!
[The van makes a sharp left.]
Crow [as the Master]: Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard!
Max: Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.
Crow: Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! [N]
Max: Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.
Servo: We'll be the judge of that.
Crow [as TV announcer]: Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production.
Max: We're being followed!
Servo [as the Master]: Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!
[The van makes a sharp left.]
Crow [as the Master]: Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard!
Max: Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.
Crow: Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Okasa has the Master cornered, but the Master uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.]
Joel: Oh, ninjas never had those.
Servo [as Okasa]: Damn. He knows Doug Henning.
Max: You all right?
Joel [as the Master]: I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop.
Joel: Oh, ninjas never had those.
Servo [as Okasa]: Damn. He knows Doug Henning.
Max: You all right?
Joel [as the Master]: I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Blubbering, thickheaded pseudo-heartthrob Max (Timothy Van Patten) attempts to converse with spunky union organizer Carrie.]
Max: I'm here. Are you?
Carrie: Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day.
Max: I hear ya. [The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.]
Servo [as Carrie]: You're a wry wit.
Max: I'm here. Are you?
Carrie: Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day.
Max: I hear ya. [The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.]
Servo [as Carrie]: You're a wry wit.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000