Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Later, in Max's van, Carrie drones on and on while Max listens wearily.]
Joel: You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.
Joel: You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The astronauts are discussing sleeping to preserve oxygen]
Crow: Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much.
Crow: Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The film's title appears on the screen]
Joel, Crow & Tom: [singing to tune of Hava Nagila]: Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila!
Joel, Crow & Tom: [singing to tune of Hava Nagila]: Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.]
Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!"
Joel: I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row.
Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!"
Crow: That's why the Deuteronomy's so long.
Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!"
Joel: I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row.
Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!"
Crow: That's why the Deuteronomy's so long.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.]
Joel [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!"
Joel [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!"
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Chase's nitro-laden hot rod careens towards the Gila Monster.]
Tom [as Colonel Kurtz]: The horror! The horror!
[The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]
Crow: Aw, they killed off the only likeable character!
Tom [as Colonel Kurtz]: The horror! The horror!
[The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]
Crow: Aw, they killed off the only likeable character!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Chase gets two twenty dollar bills as payment.]
Chase: Two twenties!
Tom: That makes thirty dollars!
Chase: Two twenties!
Tom: That makes thirty dollars!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
TV's Frank: It's none other than British pop star, Morrissey!... He's a little depressed.
[Frank turns to Morrissey]
TV's Frank: So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'?
Morrissey: [turns to Dr. Forrester] He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried?
TV's Frank: Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing.
Morrissey: Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried?
[Frank turns to Morrissey]
TV's Frank: So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'?
Morrissey: [turns to Dr. Forrester] He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried?
TV's Frank: Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing.
Morrissey: Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Morrissey: This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have weep for hours...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Woody and Yogi (Rae Dawn Chong), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.]
Woody: I lost a tooth.
Servo [as Yogi]: Oh Jeez, I told you to floss!
[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]
Crow [as Woody]: Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up.
Joel: This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny.
Servo: He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl.
Woody: I lost a tooth.
Servo [as Yogi]: Oh Jeez, I told you to floss!
[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]
Crow [as Woody]: Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up.
Joel: This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny.
Servo: He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can]
Sammy: It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good!
Joel: Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels.
Sammy: It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good!
Joel: Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody]
Mick: You're nothin'.
Joel [as Woody]: Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head.
Mick: I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but—
Crow [as Woody]: Nope. Pretty much squat there, too.
Mick: You're nothin'.
Joel [as Woody]: Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head.
Mick: I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but—
Crow [as Woody]: Nope. Pretty much squat there, too.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mick: We ain't stupid.
Bolo: Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick.
Crow: Not on screen anyway.
Bolo: Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick.
Crow: Not on screen anyway.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Clippers gang approaches a house, only to have a gunshot hit the ground in front of them]
Crow: Oh, Austin City Limits!
Crow: Oh, Austin City Limits!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Albert (James Earl Jones) is carrying out an aerial attack on the villains' headquarters using explosive-laden R/C model aircraft.]
Tom [as Albert]: This is F.U.N.
Tom [as Albert]: This is F.U.N.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The mature alien captain emerges from the spaceship.]
Crow: Wow, really old teenagers from outer space.
Crow: Wow, really old teenagers from outer space.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Derek holds his shipmates at gunpoint to prevent the release of the gargon.]
Spacecraft Captain: When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to torture!
Joel, Crow, Servo: TORCHAA!!
Spacecraft Captain: When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to torture!
Joel, Crow, Servo: TORCHAA!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Spacecraft Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons!
Servo [as Captain]: We have the supreme pizzas!
Servo [as Captain]: We have the supreme pizzas!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Thor holds Derek at gunpoint.]
Thor: Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall."
Crow T. Robot: You mean a day?
Thor: Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall."
Crow T. Robot: You mean a day?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Derek, armed with a dead cop's gun, looks for Thor along the street.]
Joel [as Derek/Freddy]: [singing to "On the Street Where You Live"]I have often walked down the street before,
But I've never done it packing heat before…
Joel [as Derek/Freddy]: [singing to "On the Street Where You Live"]I have often walked down the street before,
But I've never done it packing heat before…
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Derek, driving a car, recalls his captain's earlier contempt for humanity.]
Spacecraft Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons!
Crow: Ahh, turn Rush Limbaugh off!
Spacecraft Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons!
Crow: Ahh, turn Rush Limbaugh off!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Betty: Where are you from Derek?
Joel [as Derek]: A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me".
Joel [as Derek]: A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me".
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Watching the title credit]
Tom: You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this.
Tom: You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Establishing shot of hospital]
Servo: ...and now, Trapper John, M.D.!
Crow: Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to Medical Center!
Servo: Yeah!
Servo: ...and now, Trapper John, M.D.!
Crow: Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to Medical Center!
Servo: Yeah!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the SOL bridge, two clowns caper about on the hexfield viewscreen.]
Clown #1: Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower?
Servo: Yes, about a kajillion times!
Clown #1: Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash?
[Joel and the Bots scream. Joel holds a pair of wire cutters and prepares to snip a wire.]
Joel: Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal!
Clown #2: [to Gypsy] Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll?
[The Bots all scream again, as does Clown #1.]
Clown #2: [to Clown #1] Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!
Clown #1: Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower?
Servo: Yes, about a kajillion times!
Clown #1: Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash?
[Joel and the Bots scream. Joel holds a pair of wire cutters and prepares to snip a wire.]
Joel: Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal!
Clown #2: [to Gypsy] Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll?
[The Bots all scream again, as does Clown #1.]
Clown #2: [to Clown #1] Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ray "Crash" Corrigan is given a physical by Naval doctors.]
Doctor #1: Fine chap. I wish we had more like him!
Crow [as Doctor #2]: Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is!
Doctor #2: He'll make a fine Naval officer.
Servo: He'll make several of them!
Doctor #1: Fine chap. I wish we had more like him!
Crow [as Doctor #2]: Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is!
Doctor #2: He'll make a fine Naval officer.
Servo: He'll make several of them!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Sultry Liz slips out of her kimono, revealing a black bra and leopard-print panties.]
Servo: Oh, Mommy!
Joel [as Announcer]: Honey West!
Crow: Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match.
Servo: Oh, Mommy!
Joel [as Announcer]: Honey West!
Crow: Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick—and I liked Morgan Stewart's Coming Home.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".]
Narrator: Junior Rodeo Daredevils.
Joel [as Narrator]: Smothered in gravy—Texas style!
Narrator: Junior Rodeo Daredevils.
Joel [as Narrator]: Smothered in gravy—Texas style!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day.
Joel [as Narrator]: All nine of 'em.
Joel [as Narrator]: All nine of 'em.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000