Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[As a man in a little car rides wildly past in the foreground...]
Crow: Whoa-oa-oa! Don't ride the Wild Mouse, it's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe!!!
Crow: Whoa-oa-oa! Don't ride the Wild Mouse, it's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe!!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Wanda begins to explain about what happened to her father, but Charmin suddenly stops her.]
Charmin: Wait a minute...is that really your voice?
Servo: [irritated] Oh, jeez, I'd slap this movie if I could!
Charmin: Wait a minute...is that really your voice?
Servo: [irritated] Oh, jeez, I'd slap this movie if I could!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The National Guard retreat from the attacking grasshoppers.]
Crow [as soldier]: One weekend a month my ass!
Crow [as soldier]: One weekend a month my ass!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Close-up of woman driving, having difficulty with a map]
Patrolman: Here's another problem on the roads that we officers face all too often...
Mike: Women drivers! [everyone chuckles condecsendingly]
Patrolman: Here's another problem on the roads that we officers face all too often...
Mike: Women drivers! [everyone chuckles condecsendingly]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Patrolman: People who have survived a train crash usually say...
Servo: AAAAAH!
[Mike and Crow look at Servo strangely.]
Servo: That's what they say.
Servo: AAAAAH!
[Mike and Crow look at Servo strangely.]
Servo: That's what they say.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: [as Santa's sleigh is flying in the sky] I wonder where Santa will go first? Europe? Africa? America?
Servo: Circle Pines?
Servo: Circle Pines?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Santa Claus makes his way home after delivering his presents.]
Mike [as Santa]: Ho! Ho! H... wait, I forgot France. [pause] ...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Mike [as Santa]: Ho! Ho! H... wait, I forgot France. [pause] ...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The camera is zoomed in on a telephone ringing.]
Mike [as an answering machine]: This is Jim Rockford, leave a message and I'll get back to ya.
Crow: Jimmy, it's Angel, I'm in real bad trouble!
Servo: [starts performingThe Rockford Filestheme]
Mike [as an answering machine]: This is Jim Rockford, leave a message and I'll get back to ya.
Crow: Jimmy, it's Angel, I'm in real bad trouble!
Servo: [starts performingThe Rockford Filestheme]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Pedro: What kind of food do they eat on earth, Santa?
Santa Claus: Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol!
Servo [as Santa Claus]: And they eat at Hardee's!
Santa Claus: Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol!
Servo [as Santa Claus]: And they eat at Hardee's!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Santa winds his reindeer (which are all apparently wind up toys) and they begin to move.]
Servo: This isn't charming at all! It's creepy!
[Santa begins to laugh as he watches the reindeer]
Crow: Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head.
[The reindeer begins to laugh in a very unnatural way]
Servo, Mike, and Crow: He, he haha, hahaha, [laughing turns into terrified screams] AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!!
[Santa is still laughing]
Mike: [scared] What's happening?!
[Scene cuts to a shot of the wall behind the sleigh and there is a pentagram-like symbol on the wall.]
Servo: A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out.
Servo: This isn't charming at all! It's creepy!
[Santa begins to laugh as he watches the reindeer]
Crow: Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head.
[The reindeer begins to laugh in a very unnatural way]
Servo, Mike, and Crow: He, he haha, hahaha, [laughing turns into terrified screams] AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!!
[Santa is still laughing]
Mike: [scared] What's happening?!
[Scene cuts to a shot of the wall behind the sleigh and there is a pentagram-like symbol on the wall.]
Servo: A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A young "African" helper jumps off a sleigh.]
Servo [as African Child]: [grumbling] Bone in my hair... I'm from Detroit!
Servo [as African Child]: [grumbling] Bone in my hair... I'm from Detroit!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Silver: Any.. studs around here?
Serafina: Any what?
Silver: Daddy-O's. He-males. Stags!
Serafina: Only the gardeners.
Crow [as Serafina]: And Father Fabio!
Serafina: Any what?
Silver: Daddy-O's. He-males. Stags!
Serafina: Only the gardeners.
Crow [as Serafina]: And Father Fabio!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At a club, Jimmy sings Paul Anka's hit "Lonely Boy".]
Jimmy: I'm just a lonely boy…
Mike: Why does that not surprise me?
Jimmy: I'm just a lonely boy…
Mike: Why does that not surprise me?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After Bueller's second monologue about "heard," "understood" and "pleasing"]
Bueller: Now, let's look at another typical example.
[Cut to a young woman giving a speech.]
Crow [as Bueller]: This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now he is pleasing.
Bueller: Now, let's look at another typical example.
[Cut to a young woman giving a speech.]
Crow [as Bueller]: This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now he is pleasing.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A scientist is walking up a flight of stairs with music playing.]
Servo: Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum.
Servo: Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Logan just gets through talking on the phone and he looks distraught]
Joel [as Dr. Logan]: That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead.
Joel [as Dr. Logan]: That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After being tied up and turned into an "atomic superman", Dr. Vornoff breaks out of the leather straps that bind him to the table.]
Crow: Oh no, now he has the strength of twenty heroin addicts!
Crow: Oh no, now he has the strength of twenty heroin addicts!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in horror and dismay.]
Capt. Robbins: [solemnly] He tampered in God's domain.
Crow: Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight.
Capt. Robbins: [solemnly] He tampered in God's domain.
Crow: Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Joel's Invention Exchange is a machine that merges comic strips.]
Joel, Servo, Crow: Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny!
Joel, Servo, Crow: Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As title of movie appears on screen]
Crow: Gary Burghoff goes undercover!
Mike: That would explain his career for the last 10 years.
Crow: Gary Burghoff goes undercover!
Mike: That would explain his career for the last 10 years.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other science facts,
Repeat to yourself "It's just a show,
I should really just relax."
(Dr. Forrester: Did I tell you my mother's here?)
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!
And other science facts,
Repeat to yourself "It's just a show,
I should really just relax."
(Dr. Forrester: Did I tell you my mother's here?)
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Mads have just had a pizza delivered by Torgo.]
Frank: Say, it's been two hours, but this pizza is still warm!
[Dr. Forrester and Frank suddenly look at each other in horror, and vomit.]
Torgo: They always do that!
Frank: Say, it's been two hours, but this pizza is still warm!
[Dr. Forrester and Frank suddenly look at each other in horror, and vomit.]
Torgo: They always do that!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Cameron has successfully turned his gardener into a werewolf and back again.]
Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck.
Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Prof. Fitzgerald: [viewing Cameron's lab] You seem to be excellently equipped.
Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers.
Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A caroling on the SOL has broken into a riot.]
Magic Voice: We'll be right back... I think. Noel!
Magic Voice: We'll be right back... I think. Noel!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the SOL, the gang is having a gift exchange.]
Gypsy: Open mine, Mike! Open mine!
Mike: Oh, the big one! Okay. [He opens a box] Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! [He holds it up] Look at that, it says "Joike" on it.
Gypsy: Yeah, well, I started knitting it for the other guy a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.
Gypsy: Open mine, Mike! Open mine!
Mike: Oh, the big one! Okay. [He opens a box] Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! [He holds it up] Look at that, it says "Joike" on it.
Gypsy: Yeah, well, I started knitting it for the other guy a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the moon buggy overheats and explodes, the jazz soundtrack lets out a piercing wail.]
Servo: Oh, no — the jazz combo was in there!!
Servo: Oh, no — the jazz combo was in there!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the SOL bridge, Crow is dressed as Jack Elam's character Jesse.]]
Crow: To live like the E-lam...
Crow: To live like the E-lam...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000