Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Harry: And Frankie, if I ever catch you around here again, I'll break both your legs.
Mike [as Frankie]: What if I don't bring 'em with me?
Mike [as Frankie]: What if I don't bring 'em with me?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Bernie: I feel real free in that wild blue sky.
Crow [as Bernie]: Cops can't touch me up there.
Bernie: ...Feels good, making like a bird, floating around up there.
Mike [as Bernie]: Poopin' on people.
Crow [as Bernie]: Cops can't touch me up there.
Bernie: ...Feels good, making like a bird, floating around up there.
Mike [as Bernie]: Poopin' on people.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After half an hour of mumbled dialog and uneventful skydiving...]
Mike: Seems like they forgot to have things happen in this movie.
Mike: Seems like they forgot to have things happen in this movie.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Harry departs, Beth walks up to his friend Joe. The coveralled pair exchanges a meaningful look.]
Crow: Two zips and we're naked!
Crow: Two zips and we're naked!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Of Suzy's dimwitted, pliable paramour, Frankie...]
Crow: He's like an idiot savant—minus the savant.
Crow: He's like an idiot savant—minus the savant.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Suzy: Well, Frankie, are you chicken?
Mike [as Frankie]: Uh, let me see... am I a chicken? Well I don't have a comb, or a gizzard, but sometimes I do ingest gravel to grind my food and my—uh...
Mike [as Frankie]: Uh, let me see... am I a chicken? Well I don't have a comb, or a gizzard, but sometimes I do ingest gravel to grind my food and my—uh...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Suzy and Frankie sneak into the hangar, where white skydiving helmets peek out between folded chutes.]
Mike: Oh, no! The skydivers have been laying their huge eggs!
Mike: Oh, no! The skydivers have been laying their huge eggs!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The crowd applauds as the night divers arrive to board their plane.]
Mike: This isn't The Right Stuff; it's just... some stuff.
Mike: This isn't The Right Stuff; it's just... some stuff.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A middle-aged man in a plane aims a rifle at Suzy and Frankie as they flee in their car.]
Mike [as Man]: [muttering] I see me a hippie. [shouting] Getcher hair cut, hippie! Not so "groovy", is it?
Mike [as Man]: [muttering] I see me a hippie. [shouting] Getcher hair cut, hippie! Not so "groovy", is it?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Joe, in his energy-less delivery, says goodbye to the widowed Beth.]
Crow: A stranger comes to town, touches nobody's life, and leaves.
. . .
Mike [as Beth]: Now I can do what I really want to! Which is, uh... I'm not sure. Heh. What color is my parachute?
Crow: A stranger comes to town, touches nobody's life, and leaves.
. . .
Mike [as Beth]: Now I can do what I really want to! Which is, uh... I'm not sure. Heh. What color is my parachute?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A guitarist resembles Ralph Fiennes]
Mike: Hey, it's Amon Göth on guitar! [N]
Mike: Hey, it's Amon Göth on guitar! [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A plane starts taxiing the runway.]
Crow [as pilot]: Ah, Roger, tower, which way is the sky?
Crow [as pilot]: Ah, Roger, tower, which way is the sky?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over the opening title]
Crow: Young man's fancy krinkle-cut potatoes.
Crow: Young man's fancy krinkle-cut potatoes.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Teenager Judy unplugs her electric mixer and calls hunky Alex for help.]
Mike: This is like Three Days of the Condor! I trust no one in this short!
Mike: This is like Three Days of the Condor! I trust no one in this short!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Judy is shoveling bacon into her mouth.]
Judy: Mmmm...I just love bacon so crisp and crunchy like this.
Mike: Yeah, evidently.
Judy: Mmmm...I just love bacon so crisp and crunchy like this.
Mike: Yeah, evidently.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Judy continues to stuff her face with bacon.]
Judy's mother: Honey, stop wolfing your food! No one's going to take it away from you.
Judy: Sorry, sweety, but it's really your fault. You shouldn't make them so good.
Crow [as Judy]: Whatever happened to my pet Vietnamese potbellied pig?
Judy's mother: Honey, stop wolfing your food! No one's going to take it away from you.
Judy: Sorry, sweety, but it's really your fault. You shouldn't make them so good.
Crow [as Judy]: Whatever happened to my pet Vietnamese potbellied pig?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Zoom to close-up of back of Paula's head, then dissolve to same back of head]
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, your screenwriter: Ed Wood.
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, your screenwriter: Ed Wood.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After character gets shot in the classroom by police]
Mike: She died like she lived... failing algebra.
Mike: She died like she lived... failing algebra.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Several spinning newspaper headlines are shown after the male rape scene. Everybody starts making up headlines]
Crow: Refuses to Press Charges!
Servo: Says: "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"
Mike: Hundreds of Men Flock to Crime Scene!
Crow: Refuses to Press Charges!
Servo: Says: "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"
Mike: Hundreds of Men Flock to Crime Scene!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Police car is searching for the girl gang]
Mike [as a cop]: You said you knew where the chase was!
Crow [as a cop]: No, you said you knew where it was!
Mike [as a cop]: Well, I never!
Mike [as a cop]: You said you knew where the chase was!
Crow [as a cop]: No, you said you knew where it was!
Mike [as a cop]: Well, I never!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Judge: Some people think that newspapers exaggerate juvenile crime...
Mike: We don't! Can we go?
Mike: We don't! Can we go?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the SOL Bridge, Mike has just explained that he reprogrammed the 'bots to have different regional speech patterns.]
Servo: So, Crow, before we go to the show, would you like to have Coke?
Crow: Uh sure, I'll have a root beer.
Servo: I said Coke.
Crow: I know, I'll have a root beer.
Servo: All I have is Coke.
Crow: Oh, then Forget it, I'll just use the bubbler.
Servo: Okay. Huh?
Crow: Oh, uh, by the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie.
Servo: We are.
Crow: And a show?
Servo: No!
Crow: Then why did you say we're going to a show?
Servo: Because we are!
Crow: What show?
Servo: Awakenings.
Crow: That's a movie!
Servo: I know! [sighs] Are you going to come with?
Crow: Come with what?
Servo: Me, Crow, me! Are you going to come with me?!
Crow: Yeah, but I'm a little low, could you borrow me some money?
Mike: Wait a minute, okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism and just plain stupidity.
Crow: But Mike, irregardless of that fact...
. . .
Crow: So what time's dinner?
Servo: Noon okay?
Crow: But that's lunch!
Servo: Lunch, dinner, same thing.
[The Mad's light flashes]
Servo: Oh, something's flashing over to the whatsit there.
Crow: Ooh, the blinker!
Servo: So, Crow, before we go to the show, would you like to have Coke?
Crow: Uh sure, I'll have a root beer.
Servo: I said Coke.
Crow: I know, I'll have a root beer.
Servo: All I have is Coke.
Crow: Oh, then Forget it, I'll just use the bubbler.
Servo: Okay. Huh?
Crow: Oh, uh, by the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie.
Servo: We are.
Crow: And a show?
Servo: No!
Crow: Then why did you say we're going to a show?
Servo: Because we are!
Crow: What show?
Servo: Awakenings.
Crow: That's a movie!
Servo: I know! [sighs] Are you going to come with?
Crow: Come with what?
Servo: Me, Crow, me! Are you going to come with me?!
Crow: Yeah, but I'm a little low, could you borrow me some money?
Mike: Wait a minute, okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism and just plain stupidity.
Crow: But Mike, irregardless of that fact...
. . .
Crow: So what time's dinner?
Servo: Noon okay?
Crow: But that's lunch!
Servo: Lunch, dinner, same thing.
[The Mad's light flashes]
Servo: Oh, something's flashing over to the whatsit there.
Crow: Ooh, the blinker!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Due to an ion storm, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank have switched places with Mike and the Bots. They enter the theater.]
TV's Frank: Aren't you gonna carry me into the theater?
Dr. Forrester: Frank, you're getting too big for that!
TV's Frank: Aw, it's my favorite part!
TV's Frank: Aren't you gonna carry me into the theater?
Dr. Forrester: Frank, you're getting too big for that!
TV's Frank: Aw, it's my favorite part!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During the beginning credits, two men are fighting.]
Frank: You lost the last of the wild horses, you dink!
. . .
[The credits identify Albert Glasser as the film's score composer.]
Forrester: Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who straps you down and pummels you with music!
Frank: You lost the last of the wild horses, you dink!
. . .
[The credits identify Albert Glasser as the film's score composer.]
Forrester: Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who straps you down and pummels you with music!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As boss-murderer Riley approaches, Remedy rides off, accidentally dropping a letter revealing Riley's guilt.]
Mike [as Storyteller]: Ungodly coincidences of the Old West.
[Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]
Riley: He dropped something. See what it is.
Crow [as Riley]: It's a plot device. It's very flimsy, so be careful.
Mike [as Storyteller]: Ungodly coincidences of the Old West.
[Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]
Riley: He dropped something. See what it is.
Crow [as Riley]: It's a plot device. It's very flimsy, so be careful.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During the barn fight, Duke knocks Riley over into the hay.]
Mike [as Riley]: Ooh! Found the needle!
Mike [as Riley]: Ooh! Found the needle!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Duke and Riley tumble out of the loft and hit the floor of the barn.]
Servo: I fought the loft and the loft won.
Servo: I fought the loft and the loft won.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]
Crow: Ah, Christo's latest installa—oh good.
Crow: Ah, Christo's latest installa—oh good.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Lt. Lyons pulls up to the curb at his new base, his blonde wife in the convertible's passenger seat.]
Crow [as Lyons]: Alright, Dave… why don't ya get outta the wig, and into your uniform?
Servo [as Lyons]: Honey, just wait in the car until my tour of duty is done.
Crow [as Lyons]: Alright, Dave… why don't ya get outta the wig, and into your uniform?
Servo [as Lyons]: Honey, just wait in the car until my tour of duty is done.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000