Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Major Stevens briefs the colonel on newcomer Witkowski's natural flying talent.]
Col. Hunt: Do you know, flying a plane is like making love?
Crow [as Maj. Stevens]: Uh, you have to pay?
Col. Hunt: Do you know, flying a plane is like making love?
Crow [as Maj. Stevens]: Uh, you have to pay?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[David comes home to find his TV is on and his living room is a mess; the sounds of a Looney Tunes cartoon blare from the TV.]
Mike: Carl Stalling's in his house!
[Angle on the TV reveals that the cartoon is 1951'sCanned Feud.]
Crow: Hey, something good!
Servo: All right!
. . .
Mike [as David]: Oh, that's right, I rented the spare room to Elmer Fudd.
Mike: Carl Stalling's in his house!
[Angle on the TV reveals that the cartoon is 1951'sCanned Feud.]
Crow: Hey, something good!
Servo: All right!
. . .
Mike [as David]: Oh, that's right, I rented the spare room to Elmer Fudd.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The screen shows: "Are You Ready for Marriage?"]
Mike: Um… yeah, I'm sick of sex, anyway.
Mike: Um… yeah, I'm sick of sex, anyway.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mr. Hall brings out the "marriage board".]
Crow: Bobby Orr's Electric Marriage! Real Marriage Action!
Crow: Bobby Orr's Electric Marriage! Real Marriage Action!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: It has formed a continuing pattern of progress that started more of a quarter of a century ago.
[The background music ends, and we fade to another scene.]
Mike, Crow, Servo: A CENTURY AGO!
[The background music ends, and we fade to another scene.]
Mike, Crow, Servo: A CENTURY AGO!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over a shot of cows grazing..]
Crow [as Narrator]: Here are some moo cows.
Crow [as Narrator]: Here are some moo cows.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries.
Mike [as Narrator]: ...so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs.
Mike [as Narrator]: ...so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Col. Hunt answers the phone.]
Col. Hunt: Colonel Hunt speaking.
Wikowski: Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find.
Mike [as Hunt]: Sarah?
Col. Hunt: Who's this?
Wikowski: Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone...
Crow [as Wikowski]: I sell paneling.
Wikowski: I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago.
Col. Hunt: [suddenly smiling] Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski!
Servo: And his face springs into action!
Col. Hunt: I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you.
Wikowski: Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you...
Mike [as Wikowski]: Perhaps dinner...
Wikowski: We have a bit in common, you see...
Crow [as Wikowski/Liberace]: My brother George...
Wikowski: You remember flying in the ETO together, 20 years ago?
Col. Hunt: Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir.
Wikowski: Yes, I suppose so.
Servo: [to Mike, mishearing] They were in BTO?
Mike: I guess...
Col. Hunt: Colonel Hunt speaking.
Wikowski: Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find.
Mike [as Hunt]: Sarah?
Col. Hunt: Who's this?
Wikowski: Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone...
Crow [as Wikowski]: I sell paneling.
Wikowski: I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago.
Col. Hunt: [suddenly smiling] Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski!
Servo: And his face springs into action!
Col. Hunt: I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you.
Wikowski: Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you...
Mike [as Wikowski]: Perhaps dinner...
Wikowski: We have a bit in common, you see...
Crow [as Wikowski/Liberace]: My brother George...
Wikowski: You remember flying in the ETO together, 20 years ago?
Col. Hunt: Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir.
Wikowski: Yes, I suppose so.
Servo: [to Mike, mishearing] They were in BTO?
Mike: I guess...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A fighter pilot drops a bomb from his plane; it hits the testing range and a second stage flies out of the bomb as if on a spring.]
Crow: Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d...
Servo: It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from Wham-O!
Mike: Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb.
[The bomb lands and explodes in a cloud of dust.]
Crow: It landed on Pig-Pen!
Crow: Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d...
Servo: It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from Wham-O!
Mike: Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb.
[The bomb lands and explodes in a cloud of dust.]
Crow: It landed on Pig-Pen!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mike notices something inscribed on the side of a plane's cockpit.]
Mike: "Lt. Hebe"? Look at that...
Servo: It says "Lift Here".
Mike: Oh.
Mike: "Lt. Hebe"? Look at that...
Servo: It says "Lift Here".
Mike: Oh.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike [as Crashed Pilot]: Oh, it was pretty rough, man, I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine!
Servo [as Rescuer]: You were only here for ten minutes!
Servo [as Rescuer]: You were only here for ten minutes!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: So basically, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women, right?
Mike: Um...
Servo: Am I right?
Mike: Yeah. That is correct.
Mike: Um...
Servo: Am I right?
Mike: Yeah. That is correct.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Young Don's clothes are all in a pile on his bedroom floor.]
Narrator: Uh-oh! That's no way to treat your clothes!
Mike [as Don]: But that's how they treat me!
Narrator: Uh-oh! That's no way to treat your clothes!
Mike [as Don]: But that's how they treat me!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the behest of the narrator, little Mildred puts away her clothes at high speed.]
Servo [as Henry Higgins]: Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Mike: In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices.
Crow: The fun never stops when you're clean and tidy!
Servo [as Henry Higgins]: Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Mike: In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices.
Crow: The fun never stops when you're clean and tidy!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The narrator instructs Mildred on brushing her hair.]
Narrator: Brush, and brush, and brush—at least 100 strokes.
Mike [as Narrator]: Just keep brushing and brushing and saying the name of our Lord and Savior!
Narrator: Brush, and brush, and brush—at least 100 strokes.
Mike [as Narrator]: Just keep brushing and brushing and saying the name of our Lord and Savior!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The film opens with a woman, wearing only a bra and slip, running frantically down a road.]
Mike: She must be one of Senator Packwood's aides.
Mike: She must be one of Senator Packwood's aides.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mike and the bots enter the theater. The logo for Universal Studios Productions, similar to the movie studio's logo at the time, is seen over a drum fanfare.]
Mike: Hey, watch out for Mountain Sized Meteor Park.
[The logo fades.]
Servo: Hey, big friggin' deal!
Mike: Hey, watch out for Mountain Sized Meteor Park.
[The logo fades.]
Servo: Hey, big friggin' deal!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The title San Francisco International appears on-screen.]
Mike: [singing] San Francisco International Airport! Where the big b-actors roar!
Mike: [singing] San Francisco International Airport! Where the big b-actors roar!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A jetliner makes an emergency landing safely.]
Servo: Terror at... uh, sea level.
Servo: Terror at... uh, sea level.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike: So convenient to have a Hostage Inn right near the airport.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow [as Katie Barrett]: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned: I have rubbed Pernell's toupee all over my naked body!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[An man with a gun, disguised as a priest, appears onscreen]
Mike: There's a New Testament in town!
Mike: There's a New Testament in town!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Davey the obnoxious teenager has just landed after stealing a light plane, talked down by Pernell Roberts.]
Crow [as Pernell]: Davey, let me introduce you to these federal agents. They are what you young people call "bad asses."
Crow [as Pernell]: Davey, let me introduce you to these federal agents. They are what you young people call "bad asses."
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The musical score apesAlso sprach Zarathustraas the Angels' combat van appears.]
Servo: [singing] Vaguely Strauss, but notttt!
Servo: [singing] Vaguely Strauss, but notttt!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Marriage counselor Mr. Hall uses two wooden dolls and a large rubber band to discuss the strain of relationships with teenagers Larry and Sue.]
Hall: When you two first met, there was probably an early physical reaction...
Servo [as Larry]: Oh yeah!
Hall: ...A romantic attraction that pulled you together, a love appeal that hits you sort of...boing!
Mike [as Larry]: You saw my boing?
Larry: How did you know?
Hall: Well, it happened to me. It happens to some degree to most couples who become happily married. But it takes more than just "boing".
Crow [as Hall]: Sometimes there's a "shplurt"!
Hall: For you see, if you're too far apart psychologically…
Mike [as Hall]: …if one of you is cuckoo…
[Hall gestures to the distance between the dolls, then stretches out the rubber band again…]
Hall: …if your backgrounds are not similar enough, it can cause a great deal of argument and unhappiness, until…
[…and suddenly snaps the rubber band, which flies off.]
Larry: It's gone!
Sue: Where'd it go?!
Crow [as Larry]: We're gonna die!
Hall: That's what you'll be saying about your romantic love, if these other things cause a breakup.
Servo [as Larry]: BUT WHERE'S THE RUBBER BAND?!
Hall: When you two first met, there was probably an early physical reaction...
Servo [as Larry]: Oh yeah!
Hall: ...A romantic attraction that pulled you together, a love appeal that hits you sort of...boing!
Mike [as Larry]: You saw my boing?
Larry: How did you know?
Hall: Well, it happened to me. It happens to some degree to most couples who become happily married. But it takes more than just "boing".
Crow [as Hall]: Sometimes there's a "shplurt"!
Hall: For you see, if you're too far apart psychologically…
Mike [as Hall]: …if one of you is cuckoo…
[Hall gestures to the distance between the dolls, then stretches out the rubber band again…]
Hall: …if your backgrounds are not similar enough, it can cause a great deal of argument and unhappiness, until…
[…and suddenly snaps the rubber band, which flies off.]
Larry: It's gone!
Sue: Where'd it go?!
Crow [as Larry]: We're gonna die!
Hall: That's what you'll be saying about your romantic love, if these other things cause a breakup.
Servo [as Larry]: BUT WHERE'S THE RUBBER BAND?!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The couple leaves the church, as Sue thinks in voiceover.]
Sue: Do we have similar backgrounds?
Mike [as Sue]: Do we have any priors?
Sue: Do we agree on our religious beliefs...
Crow [as Sue]: I worship Cthulhu!
Sue: ...and have the same feelings about... religion in general?
Servo [as Sue]: You know, God and stuff.
Sue: Do we have the same ideals... and standards... and tastes?
Mike [as Sue]: So give to me your leather, take from me my lace.
Sue: Do we have similar backgrounds?
Mike [as Sue]: Do we have any priors?
Sue: Do we agree on our religious beliefs...
Crow [as Sue]: I worship Cthulhu!
Sue: ...and have the same feelings about... religion in general?
Servo [as Sue]: You know, God and stuff.
Sue: Do we have the same ideals... and standards... and tastes?
Mike [as Sue]: So give to me your leather, take from me my lace.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Sue stares thoughtfully into the middle distance as Mr. Hall talks]
Crow: [distantly, as if in a flashback, while Servo and Mike mimick gunfire and explosions]MARINES, WE ARE LEAVING!
[Sue suddenly snaps out of her reverie]
Mike [as Sue]: Sorry, back in Da Nang there for a minute.
Crow: [distantly, as if in a flashback, while Servo and Mike mimick gunfire and explosions]MARINES, WE ARE LEAVING!
[Sue suddenly snaps out of her reverie]
Mike [as Sue]: Sorry, back in Da Nang there for a minute.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The film opens with women wrestling to the sound of foley-added screaming.]
Crow: Is there a midway nearby?
. . .
Mike: Hey, it's that one woman in the front row making all the noise!
Crow [as usher]: Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to settle down.
Crow: Is there a midway nearby?
. . .
Mike: Hey, it's that one woman in the front row making all the noise!
Crow [as usher]: Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to settle down.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Close-up shot of two main characters watching the action.]
Servo: Ah, another sellout crowd.
Servo: Ah, another sellout crowd.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Scalli: Hey, Joe!
Servo [as Scalli]: Where you going with that gun in your hand?
Servo [as Scalli]: Where you going with that gun in your hand?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000