Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Peaches works out on a rowing machine, continually thrusting her huge breasts into the camera.]
Crow: [nervously] I'm being turned on by a woman who is long dead!
Crow: [nervously] I'm being turned on by a woman who is long dead!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Five minutes before the movie ends, music finally appears on the soundtrack]
Crow: Music?! Why here? Why now? WHY US?!
Crow: Music?! Why here? Why now? WHY US?!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A crippled Ilya sits at the window, gazing at Vilya]
Mike [as Ilya]: Man, she's a fox.
Mike [as Ilya]: Man, she's a fox.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[We see a large banquet taking place]
Crow [as man]: It might just be the wine, Lars, but you're a pretty man...
Servo [as man]: Sven, no! You mustn't!
Crow [as man]: It might just be the wine, Lars, but you're a pretty man...
Servo [as man]: Sven, no! You mustn't!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.]
Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife.
Servo [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do.
Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife.
Servo [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The camera pans slowly over a recent battlefield, the bodies being pecked by carrion birds]
Crow: Crows! My brethren! See what a grand and noble creature they are?
Servo: [doubtfully] Uh huh...
Crow: Crows! My brethren! See what a grand and noble creature they are?
Servo: [doubtfully] Uh huh...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Little Falcon stares into Ilya's ring, seeing himself as a child with his mother.]
Little Falcon: It is as though in a vision... I see my mother!
[He turns to face Ilya]
Crow [as Little Falcon]: Mom!
Little Falcon: It is as though in a vision... I see my mother!
[He turns to face Ilya]
Crow [as Little Falcon]: Mom!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In an ethereal office space, devilish Red and angelic Whitey make a wager on Joe, a bread salesman.]
Mike: They're operating under a different theology.
Mike: They're operating under a different theology.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Red is explaining the details of his plan]
Red: Say a young woman goes down there and berates the way he does business...?
Crow [as Red]: Say I'm starring in Forever Plaid!
Red: Say a young woman goes down there and berates the way he does business...?
Crow [as Red]: Say I'm starring in Forever Plaid!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Whitey is talking to Bill Dudley, but music covers what she's saying.]
Mike [as Whitey]: So then Mabel said to me "well, why'd you wear those earrings?" and then we went to Nine West but we couldn't find anything we wanted cause I have really wide feet, but sometimes I can find stuff at Payless, anyhoo, Cindy told me that Victoria's Secret was just around the corner, and she said that they're having a sale, and she knows I'm really broke right now, so I confronted her, and, well...
Mike [as Whitey]: So then Mabel said to me "well, why'd you wear those earrings?" and then we went to Nine West but we couldn't find anything we wanted cause I have really wide feet, but sometimes I can find stuff at Payless, anyhoo, Cindy told me that Victoria's Secret was just around the corner, and she said that they're having a sale, and she knows I'm really broke right now, so I confronted her, and, well...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[after a disguised Whitey demeans Bill Dudley's bread delivery job, he sets out to change her mind]
Bill Dudley: First of all, take a look. [holds up bread] A loaf of bread.
Crow [as Dudley]: Eat every piece!
. . .
Whitey: Are you by any chance trying to say that you think this business of yours is important?
Dudley: That's exactly the way I feel about it.
Mike [as Dudley]: [miserably] I have to. It's all I've got!
Bill Dudley: First of all, take a look. [holds up bread] A loaf of bread.
Crow [as Dudley]: Eat every piece!
. . .
Whitey: Are you by any chance trying to say that you think this business of yours is important?
Dudley: That's exactly the way I feel about it.
Mike [as Dudley]: [miserably] I have to. It's all I've got!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a flashback reveals Dudley's past poor delivery habits]
Bill Dudley: Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different.
Servo [as Dudley]: Watch me come on to a grocer.
. . .
[Dudley tries to impress grocer Mr. Marco by complimenting his new carts]
Dudley: Hey, something new! [pushes cart experimentally]
Mike [as Dudley]: Be a shame if this ran over your kid...
Bill Dudley: Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different.
Servo [as Dudley]: Watch me come on to a grocer.
. . .
[Dudley tries to impress grocer Mr. Marco by complimenting his new carts]
Dudley: Hey, something new! [pushes cart experimentally]
Mike [as Dudley]: Be a shame if this ran over your kid...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Bill Dudley: You see, I want every grocer on my route thinking...
[cut to a montage of grocers]
Mike [as grocer]: What a moron.
Grocer voiceover: That Bill Dudley is OK. Never slams doors. Always seems friendly, always got a smile.
Servo [as grocer]: What's he on?
Voiceover: Always interested in my store, treats my place with respect.
Crow [as grocer]: What does he want from me?
Voiceover: Never slams his trays around, or makes a nuisance of himself.
Servo [as Grocer]: Why can't he leave me alone?
Voiceover: I like to do business with salesmen like that.
Mike [as Grocer]: But his bread sucks.
[cut to a montage of grocers]
Mike [as grocer]: What a moron.
Grocer voiceover: That Bill Dudley is OK. Never slams doors. Always seems friendly, always got a smile.
Servo [as grocer]: What's he on?
Voiceover: Always interested in my store, treats my place with respect.
Crow [as grocer]: What does he want from me?
Voiceover: Never slams his trays around, or makes a nuisance of himself.
Servo [as Grocer]: Why can't he leave me alone?
Voiceover: I like to do business with salesmen like that.
Mike [as Grocer]: But his bread sucks.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Bill Dudley: [explaining his work philosophy] The two most important things a bread salesman needs is this [taps head] and this. [taps inventory book]
Crow: A hat and a pad.
Crow: A hat and a pad.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Bill Dudley: [explaining his work philosophy] That's why I keep these bull-eye's handy, so that a small slip-up doesn't turn into a big trip-up.
Mike: Make sure you stock your truck up, so that you don't ... well, you know...
Mike: Make sure you stock your truck up, so that you don't ... well, you know...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The movie opens with a close-up of Marv speaking to someone off-screen.]
Mike: He has a haunting ugliness.
Mike: He has a haunting ugliness.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech.
Servo [as Narrator]: …after the human nipple.
Servo [as Narrator]: …after the human nipple.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Now, just suppose you were a beautiful doll with rosy cheeks and big blue eyes...
Mike: ...Okay...
Narrator: ...a doll that never talked.
Mike: [nervously] Just do what he says...
Narrator: Or a tree, that basked in the warm sunshine and rustled in the breeze: a tree that never spoke.
Servo: Now you're a can opener! Metal and shiny and taciturn!
Mike: ...Okay...
Narrator: ...a doll that never talked.
Mike: [nervously] Just do what he says...
Narrator: Or a tree, that basked in the warm sunshine and rustled in the breeze: a tree that never spoke.
Servo: Now you're a can opener! Metal and shiny and taciturn!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The narrator is describing appropriate clothing while a shady-looking man dresses.]
Narrator: Be sure to wear a clean shirt...
Crow: Be sure to get a brand-new chin.
Narrator: ...and your favorite tie.
Servo: Now you're ready to rub out Sonny Corleone!
Narrator: Be sure to wear a clean shirt...
Crow: Be sure to get a brand-new chin.
Narrator: ...and your favorite tie.
Servo: Now you're ready to rub out Sonny Corleone!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A person does the "knee test," where he puts his palms on his knees and swivels them]
Narrator: ...You will look poised and dignified.
Mike: Uh, no you won't.
. . .
Crow: Don't do this during the speech.
Narrator: ...You will look poised and dignified.
Mike: Uh, no you won't.
. . .
Crow: Don't do this during the speech.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A train conductor appears, looking very old and decrepit. Mike realizes that the actor portraying him is...]
Mike: John Carradine!
Crow: Was he always a hundred years old?
Mike: John Carradine!
Crow: Was he always a hundred years old?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Young journalist Jim Benton is talking to train conductor Wilson (John Carradine).]
Servo: Kid looks like a reporter from the Catholic Digest.
Servo: Kid looks like a reporter from the Catholic Digest.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Close-up of John Carradine smoking a cigarette...]
Servo: [deep voice] John Carradine for Viceroy.
[Close-up of young Jim smoking...]
Crow: [lisping]Sal Mineo for Viceroy!
Servo: [deep voice] John Carradine for Viceroy.
[Close-up of young Jim smoking...]
Crow: [lisping]Sal Mineo for Viceroy!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A heavy-set, stubble-haired Coleman Francis appears running from cops, identified by credits as the star]
Mike [as Announcer]: Coleman Francis is Curly Howard, in The Fugitive!
Servo [as Curly Howard]: Hey, Moe!
Mike [as Announcer]: Coleman Francis is Curly Howard, in The Fugitive!
Servo [as Curly Howard]: Hey, Moe!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A truck heads down the highway with convict runaway Griffin stowed away in the back.]
Mike: [singing to the Eagles' "Take It Easy"]Runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load
I got Coleman Francis on my mind.
Mike: [singing to the Eagles' "Take It Easy"]Runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load
I got Coleman Francis on my mind.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[While "Cherokee Jack" flies over some snow covered mountains...]
Mike: Hey, I see some soccer players down there...
Mike: Hey, I see some soccer players down there...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Standing before a crude map, "Lieutenant" Joe addresses his extremely tiny Cuba invasion force.]
Joe: Men, we're shoving off right after sundown...
Crow, Servo [as Men]: You shove off!
Joe: …and I want to give you some idea of what to expect.
Mike [as Joe]: There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us.
Joe: Our mission is to tear down telephone poles, ammo dumps, destroy all forms of communication…
Servo [as Joe]: Ted, you take Havana.
Joe: Men, we're shoving off right after sundown...
Crow, Servo [as Men]: You shove off!
Joe: …and I want to give you some idea of what to expect.
Mike [as Joe]: There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us.
Joe: Our mission is to tear down telephone poles, ammo dumps, destroy all forms of communication…
Servo [as Joe]: Ted, you take Havana.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Griffin (played by Coleman Francis) and the rest of the Cuban invasion force are captured by Castro's forces.]
Mike [as Cuban Soldier]: The Yankees will pay highly for you, Señor Francis.
Mike [as Cuban Soldier]: The Yankees will pay highly for you, Señor Francis.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Griffin is beating on Landis at a trainyard, the scene suddenly changes to an auto shop exterior, even while the fight music continues.]
Mike: Ah! I think my neck got broken in that jump cut!
Servo: [sighs] I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "I just don't know!"
Crow: I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt me!
Mike: Ah! I think my neck got broken in that jump cut!
Servo: [sighs] I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "I just don't know!"
Crow: I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt me!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000