Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[The antiheroes make some purchases at a seedy-looking mom-and-pop store while some inappropriately cheerful music plays on the soundtrack.]
Mike [as Store Clerk]: Would you like a video? We have some ultraviolent Japanese porn cartoons!
Mike [as Store Clerk]: Would you like a video? We have some ultraviolent Japanese porn cartoons!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Our heroes discuss the film's title.]
Servo: Oh, I'm glad they said "Danger!", or I might have thought it was just a normal death ray.
Mike: There's a dangerous death ray situation on outbound 94, you might want to take an alternate route.
Servo: Oh, I'm glad they said "Danger!", or I might have thought it was just a normal death ray.
Mike: There's a dangerous death ray situation on outbound 94, you might want to take an alternate route.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over a shot of a group of men walking down a hallway]
Mike: They really have captured the grandeur of white guys walking in herds.
Mike: They really have captured the grandeur of white guys walking in herds.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[We cut to an obvious toy submarine surfacing within a pool of water.]
Mike: The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself.
Servo: They're coming up for more baking soda.
[Crow begins snickering.]
Mike: Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub.
[Crow snickers again.]
Servo: This set is at least three box tops.
Crow: [recovering his composure] Special effects by... Billy!
. . .
[The radar operator climbs a ladder toward a hatch.]
Mike: Don't go up there! You'll become a toy!
. . .
[The men from the helicopter have climbed down into the submarine.]
Sub Captain: Okay. We can dive.
Servo [as Captain]: Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now.
Crow [as Captain]: Head towards the drain.
[Shot in slow motion, the sub pulls away and the toy helicopter "falls" off into the water.]
Mike: Das Toy Boat!
Servo [as Captain]: Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter?
Crow: Oop! Eh... This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter.
Mike: The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself.
Servo: They're coming up for more baking soda.
[Crow begins snickering.]
Mike: Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub.
[Crow snickers again.]
Servo: This set is at least three box tops.
Crow: [recovering his composure] Special effects by... Billy!
. . .
[The radar operator climbs a ladder toward a hatch.]
Mike: Don't go up there! You'll become a toy!
. . .
[The men from the helicopter have climbed down into the submarine.]
Sub Captain: Okay. We can dive.
Servo [as Captain]: Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now.
Crow [as Captain]: Head towards the drain.
[Shot in slow motion, the sub pulls away and the toy helicopter "falls" off into the water.]
Mike: Das Toy Boat!
Servo [as Captain]: Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter?
Crow: Oop! Eh... This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Bart Fargo attacks one of the evil henchmen and grabs him by the throat.]
Bart Fargo: You're the one who knows everything...
Mike [as Fargo]: Who's God?
Bart Fargo: You're the one who knows everything...
Mike [as Fargo]: Who's God?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A couple of henchmen burst into Lucille's apartment looking for Bart Fargo.]
Henchman: We're looking for a man.
Mike [as Henchman]: Are you him?
Lucille: My word, so am I! Let me know if you find an extra one.
Servo [as Henchman]: I think you know what I meant!
Henchman: We're looking for a man.
Mike [as Henchman]: Are you him?
Lucille: My word, so am I! Let me know if you find an extra one.
Servo [as Henchman]: I think you know what I meant!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Bart Fargo foils an assassination attempt by Scarface, who was disguised as a concierge.]
Bart Fargo: You know, Scarface, that was a very silly get-up. It didn't suit you. And your imitation of a waiter was very funny. "Your breakfast, señor..." You should have changed your voice too.
[Bart opens a balcony window and chuckles. Scarface lunges at Bart, but misses and dives out the window, screaming.]
Servo: Olé!
[Crow giggles.]
Mike [as Bart]: And the way you dove out the window was just terrible!
[Scarface lands on the pavement with a thump.]
Servo [as Bart]: Ooh, sorry, ma'am.
Bart Fargo: That's too bad.
Crow: Oh, come on! What about "he really fell for me"? Or "his hopes have been crushed"?
Bart Fargo: You know, Scarface, that was a very silly get-up. It didn't suit you. And your imitation of a waiter was very funny. "Your breakfast, señor..." You should have changed your voice too.
[Bart opens a balcony window and chuckles. Scarface lunges at Bart, but misses and dives out the window, screaming.]
Servo: Olé!
[Crow giggles.]
Mike [as Bart]: And the way you dove out the window was just terrible!
[Scarface lands on the pavement with a thump.]
Servo [as Bart]: Ooh, sorry, ma'am.
Bart Fargo: That's too bad.
Crow: Oh, come on! What about "he really fell for me"? Or "his hopes have been crushed"?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Bart Fargo's car skids off the road, over a cliff, and into the sea; however, the effect is clearly achieved by someone simply rolling a toy car off a rock into the water.]
Servo: Hot Wheels!
Crow: Some little boy is going to be very upset.
Servo: Hot Wheels!
Crow: Some little boy is going to be very upset.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Bart Fargo repeatedly slaps an assassin in the face.]
Servo [as Assassin/Mulwray]: My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!
Servo [as Assassin/Mulwray]: My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A baccarat game is in progress.]
Croupier: Mesdames et Messieurs, banque $10,000.
Crow [as Player]: It'd better be a damn good bonk.
Croupier: Mesdames et Messieurs, banque $10,000.
Crow [as Player]: It'd better be a damn good bonk.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After Bart Fargo's partner is gunned down, the movie's catchy, upbeat "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" theme music starts up again.]
Servo: This isn't appropriate right now, his friend is dying over there!
[beat]
Servo: But it's nice.
Mike: It is nice, yeah.
[Crow laughs.]
Servo: This isn't appropriate right now, his friend is dying over there!
[beat]
Servo: But it's nice.
Mike: It is nice, yeah.
[Crow laughs.]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: Bart Fargo. Bartfargobartfargobartfargobartfargo... Heh, that's hard!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Terry: I've got an idea.
[The scene cuts to a woman posing in a bikini]
Servo: What a great idea!
[The scene cuts to a woman posing in a bikini]
Servo: What a great idea!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Angels' monster van crashes through the gate of the camp.]
Crow: It's the T & A-Team!
Crow: It's the T & A-Team!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The bikini-clad Angels are beating the crap out of drug runners on the beach, accompanied by goofy, unrealistic sound effects.]
Mike: Right now, Benny Hill is smiling down from heaven.
Mike: Right now, Benny Hill is smiling down from heaven.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Keiko hits a captive drug dealer in the crotch with her sword.]
Crow: It's Dworkinfest '78!
Crow: It's Dworkinfest '78!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[William looks at a Franklin half-dollar he's holding.]
William: Fifty cents. Half a dollar.
Servo: In those days, that'd buy you a car.
William: Benjamin Franklin, eh?
Crow [as William]: Bite me, Franklin!
William: He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red.
Crow [as William]: He was the best President we ever had. [N]
. . .
[Ben Franklin's silhouette appears in the mirror.]
Servo: Alfred Hitchcock! [N]
William: Fifty cents. Half a dollar.
Servo: In those days, that'd buy you a car.
William: Benjamin Franklin, eh?
Crow [as William]: Bite me, Franklin!
William: He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red.
Crow [as William]: He was the best President we ever had. [N]
. . .
[Ben Franklin's silhouette appears in the mirror.]
Servo: Alfred Hitchcock! [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Ben Franklin: You receive two dollars every week as an allowance from your father…
Mike [as Franklin]: …James Joyce.
Ben Franklin: …something quite unheard of in my day.
Crow: Fathers?
Mike [as Franklin]: …James Joyce.
Ben Franklin: …something quite unheard of in my day.
Crow: Fathers?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Closing shot of Franklin's image on a half-dollar]
Mike: Benjamin Franklin was tried in the Eighth circuit court on stalking charges; in a minute, the results of that trial. [N]
Mike: Benjamin Franklin was tried in the Eighth circuit court on stalking charges; in a minute, the results of that trial. [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The short opens with scenes quickly flashing on screen.]
Crow: Whoa, I'm having a freak-out up to ten years later!
Crow: Whoa, I'm having a freak-out up to ten years later!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: An American Democracy...
Servo [as Narrator]: Would be really great.
Servo [as Narrator]: Would be really great.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Year-round sun makes this island a vacation paradise.
Crow: And very hard to sleep!
Crow: And very hard to sleep!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Shots of a school are shown.]
Narrator: Bilingual schools.
Mike [as Narrator]: Bisexual students.
Narrator: Bilingual schools.
Mike [as Narrator]: Bisexual students.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Building into the clear-blue sky, the island is on the move.
Mike: Hawaii?
Crow: No, an island!
Mike: Hawaii?
Crow: No, an island!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The short's title is first mentioned by the narrator over the main theme.]
Crow: Oh. When did they change the name?
Servo: A Quinn Martin production.
Mike, Crow, Servo: [as the music ends] PUERTO RICO!
Crow: Oh. When did they change the name?
Servo: A Quinn Martin production.
Mike, Crow, Servo: [as the music ends] PUERTO RICO!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: A land the size of Rhode Island, it is just as American in its way of life.
Crow [as Narrator]: So you might as well just stay where you are.
Crow [as Narrator]: So you might as well just stay where you are.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over a shot of a Burger King...]
Servo: Ah, indigenous cuisine!
Servo: Ah, indigenous cuisine!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000