Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Over a shot of cash being given to an anonymous hand]
Crow: Here, money is exchanged for coconuts.
Crow: Here, money is exchanged for coconuts.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Students are shown at college.]
Mike: Latka Gravas goes to class.
Crow [as Latka]: Thank you veddy much.
Mike: Latka Gravas goes to class.
Crow [as Latka]: Thank you veddy much.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over a shot of an airplane landing, in the midst of a soundtrack that consists mostly of blaring horns...]
Mike [as Narrator]: Here, we're flying in another trumpet section.
Mike [as Narrator]: Here, we're flying in another trumpet section.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean.
Crow [as Narrator]: ...which we buried in order to build skyscrapers.
Mike [as Narrator]: Look, just come here!
Crow [as Narrator]: ...which we buried in order to build skyscrapers.
Mike [as Narrator]: Look, just come here!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Another piece of background music ends.]
Mike, Crow, Servo: PROGRESS!
Mike, Crow, Servo: PROGRESS!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As we watch traditional Puerto Rican folk dancing...]
Crow: Valerie Harper look-a-like contests are held.
Mike: Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid.
Servo: Here, Up With People get down.
Crow: Valerie Harper look-a-like contests are held.
Mike: Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid.
Servo: Here, Up With People get down.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A piece of background music ends over a shot of a roulette game in progress.]
Mike, Crow, Servo: GAMBLING!
Mike, Crow, Servo: GAMBLING!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Condominiums, leisure villages, and a complete range of outdoor activities make Progress Island an ideal place to live for every member of the family.
Servo: Except Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma...
Servo: Except Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After a normal piece of music is heard, a better piece of background music begins to play.]
Crow: Hit me!
Narrator: A band concert under warm, tropical skies.
Crow: The music of John Phillips Salsa.
Crow: Hit me!
Narrator: A band concert under warm, tropical skies.
Crow: The music of John Phillips Salsa.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Shot of front of Digital building, with a flying saucer-like in the foreground.]
Crow: Why, even aliens from Mars are here!
Crow: Why, even aliens from Mars are here!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over the short's closing screen]
Mike [as Narrator]: We would like to apologize to all the people of Puerto Rico that we did not offend.
Mike [as Narrator]: We would like to apologize to all the people of Puerto Rico that we did not offend.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The opening credits roll over footage of a beaten-down shack in the middle of the desert.]
Mike: Get off my land, you credits!
. . .
[The credits reveal the film's "special guest star", Tor Johnson as the titular beast.]
Servo: Ah. Huh, I figured Tor Johnson would play the Butler.
Mike: Tor Johnson as the Beast, that's just smart casting.
Mike: Get off my land, you credits!
. . .
[The credits reveal the film's "special guest star", Tor Johnson as the titular beast.]
Servo: Ah. Huh, I figured Tor Johnson would play the Butler.
Mike: Tor Johnson as the Beast, that's just smart casting.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During a chase scene.]
Servo: Beautiful, just beautiful. ... Off-camera excitement the Coleman Francis way.
Servo: Beautiful, just beautiful. ... Off-camera excitement the Coleman Francis way.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: Kenneth Branagh's Mary Shelley's Bram Stoker's Wes Craven's Tim Burton's Beast of Yucca Flats. A Francis Ford Coppola film.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Flag on the moon. How'd it get there?
Mike: These are all just random sentences, folks.
Mike: These are all just random sentences, folks.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Touch a button, things happen.
Mike: ...Uh, sometimes.
Mike: ...Uh, sometimes.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Joseph Javorsky.
Crow [as Narrator]: Rootie patootie.
Crow [as Narrator]: Rootie patootie.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: A woman's purse... a man murdered... and footprints on the wasteland.
Mike: His limericks aren't very good...
Mike: His limericks aren't very good...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Vacation time.
Crow [as Narrator]: So... goodbye.
Narrator: People travel east, west... north or south.
Servo: And some people just burrow straight down, I guess.
Crow [as Narrator]: So... goodbye.
Narrator: People travel east, west... north or south.
Servo: And some people just burrow straight down, I guess.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over a shot of the mountain...]
Narrator: To get to the top... a man needs an airplane.
Crow [as Narrator]: Or a giant pogo stick.
Narrator: Jump from a plane, land at the top.
Mike [as Narrator]: Or a helicopter would do. Did I say "Flag on the moon" yet?
Narrator: To get to the top... a man needs an airplane.
Crow [as Narrator]: Or a giant pogo stick.
Narrator: Jump from a plane, land at the top.
Mike [as Narrator]: Or a helicopter would do. Did I say "Flag on the moon" yet?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo [as Narrator]: Jaworski, Ron Jaworski. Played quarterback for the Eagles.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A man is chased by a light plane.]
Servo: Ahh, bit of a ripoff?
Mike: Coleman steals from only the best!
Servo: Ahh, bit of a ripoff?
Mike: Coleman steals from only the best!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: A man murdered, a woman's purse.
Servo: A thin plot, endlessly restated.
Servo: A thin plot, endlessly restated.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow [as Narrator]: Father Mackenzie, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo [as Narrator]: Now would be a good time for some phrases... A woman's purse. Flag on the moon. A man murdered. ...I'll check back in a moment.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Joseph Javorsky.
Mike [as Narrator]: Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Narrator: Noted scientist.
Crow [as Narrator]: Family man, and your candidate for city council!
[Several more seconds go by; it is apparent that the narrator has no follow-up.]
Mike: So? What about him?!
Mike [as Narrator]: Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Narrator: Noted scientist.
Crow [as Narrator]: Family man, and your candidate for city council!
[Several more seconds go by; it is apparent that the narrator has no follow-up.]
Mike: So? What about him?!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During a campy scene, the "Angels" discuss an attack on an illicit drug facility.]
Michelle: We voted before, we'll vote now. Thumbs up, we attack. Down, we get outta here.
[Terry sticks her thumb up.]
Mike [as Terry]: Hey, look! It evolved last night! It's opposable now!
[Everyone sticks their thumbs out, up.]
Servo [as Maria]: Hah-hah! It's anonymous!
Michelle: We voted before, we'll vote now. Thumbs up, we attack. Down, we get outta here.
[Terry sticks her thumb up.]
Mike [as Terry]: Hey, look! It evolved last night! It's opposable now!
[Everyone sticks their thumbs out, up.]
Servo [as Maria]: Hah-hah! It's anonymous!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Angels' fight sequences are accompanied by cartoonish boinks and bops.]
Servo: Okay, sound by Hanna-Barbera, fine.
Servo: Okay, sound by Hanna-Barbera, fine.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: That's it. I'm just givin' in and lookin' at the breasts!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000