Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[The intrepid explorers explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.]
Servo: Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator.
Servo: Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Gill Man makes his somewhat grand appearance, swimming through the lagoon.]
Mike [as The Gill Man]: [In time with the dramatic music] Here I am! I'm the Creature!
Servo: Boy, Esther Williams didn't age well.
Mike [as The Gill Man]: [In time with the dramatic music] Here I am! I'm the Creature!
Servo: Boy, Esther Williams didn't age well.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A young Clint Eastwood has a cameo.]
Crow: This guy's bad. This is his first and last movie.
Crow: This guy's bad. This is his first and last movie.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.]
Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right.
Servo [as Miss Abbott]: And... evolve.
Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right.
Servo [as Miss Abbott]: And... evolve.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Spectators watch as the Gill-Man is brought into the Ocean Harbor aquarium.]
Crow [as a New Yorker]: Does he got a thing?
Crow [as a New Yorker]: Does he got a thing?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the attempts to revive the creature at the aquarium drag on.]
Crow: Everybody's drifting over to the "World of Barnacles" exhibit.
Crow: Everybody's drifting over to the "World of Barnacles" exhibit.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Scientists Clete and Helen are testing the Gill-Man's intelligence, which for some reason involves the liberal use of a cattle prod.]
Servo: Jeez, the Mengele Institute for Marine Research!
Servo: Jeez, the Mengele Institute for Marine Research!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.]
Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him!
Mike [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law!
Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him!
Mike [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Nurse Sally listens as Old Malla explains to endocrinologist Paul Talbot how she's lived past 140.]
Malla: When we are alone, I will speak.
Crow [as Dr. Talbot]: Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Malla: When we are alone, I will speak.
Crow [as Dr. Talbot]: Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The jungle explorers trudge through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals.]
Crow [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away.
Crow [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.]
Crow [as Lion]: Um... hakuna matata?
. . .
[The party finds a small, empty shipping crate in a clearing.]
Servo: I see — it's a three room Japanese apartment.
Crow [as Lion]: Um... hakuna matata?
. . .
[The party finds a small, empty shipping crate in a clearing.]
Servo: I see — it's a three room Japanese apartment.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Lawyer Neil proposes to Teri, who's wearing a silvery dress.]
Neil: Teri... would you marry me?
[Teri pulls away.]
Mike [as Neil]: Uh... uh... I withdraw the question.
Teri: Oh, Neil — I can't.
Servo [as Teri]: Starfleet forbids it.
Neil: Teri... would you marry me?
[Teri pulls away.]
Mike [as Neil]: Uh... uh... I withdraw the question.
Teri: Oh, Neil — I can't.
Servo [as Teri]: Starfleet forbids it.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During one of the many "African" scenes.]
Mike: Sadly, this tribe of extras no longer exists.
Mike: Sadly, this tribe of extras no longer exists.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A hard-boiled detective lazily investigates the house.]
Crow: This guy's gonna die of nonchalance.
Crow: This guy's gonna die of nonchalance.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[John Agar and his team descending into the cavern of the Mole People]
Mike: This movie is just ropes and asses.
Mike: This movie is just ropes and asses.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: For every action...
Mike [as Narrator]: There is a Jackson.
Mike [as Narrator]: There is a Jackson.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.]
Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada...
Servo [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy.
Narrator: ... the Pine Tree Radar Fence.
Mike [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders.
Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada...
Servo [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy.
Narrator: ... the Pine Tree Radar Fence.
Mike [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The camera pans by Greenland on a map.]
Servo: You know what? Screw you Greenland!
Servo: You know what? Screw you Greenland!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A volcano erupts.]
Servo [as the Menard's Guy]: It's a magma flow of savings at Menard's!
Servo [as the Menard's Guy]: It's a magma flow of savings at Menard's!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A museum guard salutes Dr. Jackson]
Mike: Uh, you don't need to salute the paleontologist.
Mike: Uh, you don't need to salute the paleontologist.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A Corporal at the Arctic base acts like he's having a nervous breakdown after Marge Blaine appears.]
Crow: Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with dishonorable discharge.
Crow: Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with dishonorable discharge.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The rather effeminate-looking General Ford explains to the media that the mantis is real]
General Ford: I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines...
Crow [as Ford]: I'm not gay!
General Ford: I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines...
Crow [as Ford]: I'm not gay!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The movie opens with the title: The Thing That Couldn't Die.]
Servo: The Strom Thurmond Story!
Mike: Couldn't die or wouldn't die?
Crow: Shouldn't?
Servo: The Strom Thurmond Story!
Mike: Couldn't die or wouldn't die?
Crow: Shouldn't?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]
Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest.
Servo: A trade rat?
Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin.
Servo [as Jessica]: …in Maine.
Mike: You know, the country needs skilled trade rats.
Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest.
Servo: A trade rat?
Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin.
Servo [as Jessica]: …in Maine.
Mike: You know, the country needs skilled trade rats.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]
Mike [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal!
Linda: It still runs.
Servo [as John Cameron Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat.
Mike [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal!
Linda: It still runs.
Servo [as John Cameron Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.]
Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest.
Mike [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there.
Servo [as Gordon]: I think I got most of the rat droppings off it.
Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest.
Mike [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there.
Servo [as Gordon]: I think I got most of the rat droppings off it.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Flavia hears a noise outside the window.]
Flavia: What's that?
Crow: Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift.
Flavia: What's that?
Crow: Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000