Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Tony, played by Michael Landon, has just punched someone. His friends look on in shock]
Mike [as Tony]: But I thought I had a right to pick a little fight, Bonanza.
Mike [as Tony]: But I thought I had a right to pick a little fight, Bonanza.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tony takes Arlene home in his sweet ride of a 1950s convertible.]
Crow: If I were a bug, I'd be proud to smash into that grill. Yep.
Crow: If I were a bug, I'd be proud to smash into that grill. Yep.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Leaving the party, first victim Frank walks home through the woods.]
Mike [as Frank]: [muttering] "I'm okay. I don't need a ride." What was I thinking? It's like 47 miles!
Crow [as Frank]: I'm probably pretty tasty and well-marbled—not something I've often thought of.
. . .
Servo: I was a Teenage Werewolf Snack.
Mike [as Frank]: [muttering] "I'm okay. I don't need a ride." What was I thinking? It's like 47 miles!
Crow [as Frank]: I'm probably pretty tasty and well-marbled—not something I've often thought of.
. . .
Servo: I was a Teenage Werewolf Snack.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tony has finished yelling at Arlene for asking an innocent question]
Mike [as Arlene]: ...and I go out with you because...?
Mike [as Arlene]: ...and I go out with you because...?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a high school!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The werewolf approaches a high school gymnast as she practices.]
Crow: Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine!
. . .
[The dark-haired gymnast screams in terror.]
Crow: Judy Garland runs out of pills.
Crow: Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine!
. . .
[The dark-haired gymnast screams in terror.]
Crow: Judy Garland runs out of pills.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The werewolf prowls the woods during an amazingly bright night.]
Servo: Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob.
Mike: I thought the night belonged to love.
Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob.
Servo: Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob.
Mike: I thought the night belonged to love.
Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[First lines of the movie]
Man: Sheriff!
Sheriff [Played by Alan Hale, Jr.]: Hey, little buddy!
[Mike and the 'bots cheer]
Man: Sheriff!
Sheriff [Played by Alan Hale, Jr.]: Hey, little buddy!
[Mike and the 'bots cheer]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dan walks out of his "lady friend" Olga's house before she stops him.]
Olga: Wait, you forgot your back brace.
[Mike and the 'bots all react with utter revulsion as Kester drops his pants, exposing red long underwear.]
Mike: Ugh, he's pink!
Servo: I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile!
Crow: [cheering] Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders!
Olga: Wait, you forgot your back brace.
[Mike and the 'bots all react with utter revulsion as Kester drops his pants, exposing red long underwear.]
Mike: Ugh, he's pink!
Servo: I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile!
Crow: [cheering] Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ev and Dan struggle in the wind from a meteorite strike on their land.]
Servo [as Dan]: Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala!
. . .
Dan: What the [expletive deleted] hell was that?
Mike [as Dan]: Why, it's befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind!
Servo [as Dan]: Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala!
. . .
Dan: What the [expletive deleted] hell was that?
Mike [as Dan]: Why, it's befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After seeing Dan's car, with its Ford lettering facing the camera.]
Crow: Like a Rock! [N]
Crow: Like a Rock! [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The scene opens in Ev and Dan's pitch-black kitchen at night.]
Servo: Actually filmed inside the thumbhole of a bowling ball.
. . .
[Later in that scene, Dan begins chasing sister-in-law Terri around the kitchen table after threatening to spank her.]
Mike: And the movie ramps up the revulsion!
Crow: This movie hates us, doesn't it?
Servo: Actually filmed inside the thumbhole of a bowling ball.
. . .
[Later in that scene, Dan begins chasing sister-in-law Terri around the kitchen table after threatening to spank her.]
Mike: And the movie ramps up the revulsion!
Crow: This movie hates us, doesn't it?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dan is trying to find out if the stones he found are diamonds]
Ev: Diamonds are supposed to cut glass.
Crow: Yeah, they're supposed to, but they're too damn lazy!
Dan: [walks toward window]
Servo: Too bad all their windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape!
[Dan scratches a crude "$" into the window]
Crow [as Dan]: ...Aryan...Nation...rules...
Dan: [excited] Will you look at that!?
Mike [as Dan]: [excited] I made a [sic] "R"!
Ev: Diamonds are supposed to cut glass.
Crow: Yeah, they're supposed to, but they're too damn lazy!
Dan: [walks toward window]
Servo: Too bad all their windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape!
[Dan scratches a crude "$" into the window]
Crow [as Dan]: ...Aryan...Nation...rules...
Dan: [excited] Will you look at that!?
Mike [as Dan]: [excited] I made a [sic] "R"!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A visibly shaken Dan stumbles back into the kitchen after discovering a mutilated corpse in the backyard.]
Ev: You look like you could use a drink.
Servo [as Ev]: And a shower, and a job.
Dan: I found another body...
Mike [as Ev]: Well, good, 'cause yours is gettin' kinda gross.
Ev: You look like you could use a drink.
Servo [as Ev]: And a shower, and a job.
Dan: I found another body...
Mike [as Ev]: Well, good, 'cause yours is gettin' kinda gross.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As yet another unappealing rural Wisconsinite is harrassed by a giant spider.]
Mike: I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North.
Mike: I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ev opens a dresser drawer and an assortment of puppet spiders pop their legs out of the drawer.]
Mike [as Spiders]: We're your dirty socks! Wash us!
Crow: Giant Puppet Invasion!
Mike [as Spiders]: We're your dirty socks! Wash us!
Crow: Giant Puppet Invasion!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Drs. Vance and Langer climb a hill, only to discover the giant spider, its spindly, furry legs akimbo.]
Servo [as Spider]: Please — consider my legs when cleaning your pipe!
Servo [as Spider]: Please — consider my legs when cleaning your pipe!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A restless mob begins to form with the intent of taking out the giant spider.]
Crow [as a mob member]: Free Bobby Seale!
Servo [as a mob member]: Free Mumia!
Mike [as a mob member]: Free beer!
Crow [as a mob member]: Free Bobby Seale!
Servo [as a mob member]: Free Mumia!
Mike [as a mob member]: Free beer!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Voices are heard whispering and muttering.]
Crow: Mike, I think the voices in my head are a little louder than usual.
Crow: Mike, I think the voices in my head are a little louder than usual.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The title card reads 'parts: the clonus horror']
Crow: Apparently e. e. cummings wrote it.
Crow: Apparently e. e. cummings wrote it.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The movie's opening credits list Dick Sargent.]
Crow: Dick Sargent. Didn't he play Dick York on Bewitched?
Crow: Dick Sargent. Didn't he play Dick York on Bewitched?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Two bare-chested male clones are competing in Greco-Roman wrestling.]
Servo [as Guide]: This is not sanctioned, gentlemen. You are doing this on your own…
Servo [as Guide]: This is not sanctioned, gentlemen. You are doing this on your own…
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Clones Lena and Richard chat by a campfire.]
Lena: I like it. It gives me time to write.
Richard: Write?
Lena: Yeah, I write my thoughts and my ideas.
Crow [as Lena]: I've already filled a Post-it note.
Lena: I like it. It gives me time to write.
Richard: Write?
Lena: Yeah, I write my thoughts and my ideas.
Crow [as Lena]: I've already filled a Post-it note.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Clones Len and Richard wake up the next morning after a night of sex and, thanks to camera positioning, it looks like Richard's crotch is smoking.]
Crow: Wow, she really WAS on top of Ol' Smokey!
Crow: Wow, she really WAS on top of Ol' Smokey!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Clone Richard searches through some top-secret files.]
Mike [as Richard/Winston Smith]: Whaddya know — we aren't at war with Eurasia!
. . .
[Richard reads a file written in a careful, round cursive.]
Crow: Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth-grade class for transcribing our secret clone notes!
. . .
Mike [as Richard]: Black helicopter… Roswell… Area 51… Waco… formula for Coca-Cola…
Mike [as Richard/Winston Smith]: Whaddya know — we aren't at war with Eurasia!
. . .
[Richard reads a file written in a careful, round cursive.]
Crow: Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth-grade class for transcribing our secret clone notes!
. . .
Mike [as Richard]: Black helicopter… Roswell… Area 51… Waco… formula for Coca-Cola…
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Rick Knight confronts his brother Jeff about an incriminating videotape.]
Rick: You knew about the tape, didn't you?
Jeff: Yeah. You saw the tape?
Rick: Yeah, and it's scary.
Crow [as Rick]: Adam Sandler's in it.
Rick: You knew about the tape, didn't you?
Jeff: Yeah. You saw the tape?
Rick: Yeah, and it's scary.
Crow [as Rick]: Adam Sandler's in it.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the movie's closing credits scroll, Servo riffs on Peter Graves's brother James Arness.]
Servo [as Peter Graves]: "James Arness: Ugly and Stupid". Tonight on Biography.
Servo [as Peter Graves]: "James Arness: Ugly and Stupid". Tonight on Biography.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the show opens, the Bots are doing walkathons.]
Mike: Uh, what about you, Servo?
Servo: Well, I'm walking for "Helping Children Through Research And Development".
Mike: Oh, HeCTRAD! Yeah, I think I've heard of that group. It's a good group.
Servo: No, actually "HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT" is the acronym, Mike. It stands for "Hi, Everyone. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod".
Mike: Uh, what about you, Servo?
Servo: Well, I'm walking for "Helping Children Through Research And Development".
Mike: Oh, HeCTRAD! Yeah, I think I've heard of that group. It's a good group.
Servo: No, actually "HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT" is the acronym, Mike. It stands for "Hi, Everyone. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod".
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The opening credits show a man's face decaying into a zombie's face.]
Mike: The shroud of David Schwimmer.
. . .
Servo: Face is the result of slash and burn shaving.
Mike [as zombie]: You'd tell me if my face was disintergrating, right?
Servo: He's turning into a brisket.
Crow: It's a portrait of Bob Dole's inner child.
. . .
Crow: He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair.
. . .
Crow: Tom Petty in the morning.
. . .
Crow: You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee.
[Cut to a toy clown laughing.]
Mike: Ah, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel.
Mike: The shroud of David Schwimmer.
. . .
Servo: Face is the result of slash and burn shaving.
Mike [as zombie]: You'd tell me if my face was disintergrating, right?
Servo: He's turning into a brisket.
Crow: It's a portrait of Bob Dole's inner child.
. . .
Crow: He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair.
. . .
Crow: Tom Petty in the morning.
. . .
Crow: You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee.
[Cut to a toy clown laughing.]
Mike: Ah, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the music in the opening credits]
Crow: The organ has emphysema.
. . .
Mike: Come hear [credited as music] Libby Quinn play the organ with her feet.
Servo: [singing to the "Libby's, Libby's, Libby's on the Label, Label, Label" jingle] If it says Libby's, Libby's, Libby's, in the credits, credits, credits, you won't like it, like it, like it...
Mike: The music's gonna break into "Chest Fever" any minute.
Crow: The organ has emphysema.
. . .
Mike: Come hear [credited as music] Libby Quinn play the organ with her feet.
Servo: [singing to the "Libby's, Libby's, Libby's on the Label, Label, Label" jingle] If it says Libby's, Libby's, Libby's, in the credits, credits, credits, you won't like it, like it, like it...
Mike: The music's gonna break into "Chest Fever" any minute.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000