Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Blonde bimbo Angela Garland boards the plane, still wearing her "Miss SST" outfit and sash.]
Angela: [vapidly] Hello!
[The flight attendants watch her sashay to her seat.]
Crow [as Attendant]: Please put your brain under the seat in front of you.
Angela: [vapidly] Hello!
[The flight attendants watch her sashay to her seat.]
Crow [as Attendant]: Please put your brain under the seat in front of you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Passengers are boarding.]
Crow [as Attendant]: Hi, you're in the part of the plane that falls off.
Crow [as Attendant]: Hi, you're in the part of the plane that falls off.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Having achieved a cruising altitude of 65,000 feet, Captain Walsh gets on the intercom.]
Capt. Walsh: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen.
Servo [as Capt. Walsh]: An oncoming plane.
Capt. Walsh: Although the sky above remains black…
Crow [as Capt. Walsh]: … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry.
Capt. Walsh: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen.
Servo [as Capt. Walsh]: An oncoming plane.
Capt. Walsh: Although the sky above remains black…
Crow [as Capt. Walsh]: … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the SST stabilizes, Kingman herds the passengers toward the rear of the plane.]
Carla Stanley: Please, do something! We'll all be killed!
Crow: I guess she's in charge of panicking.
Servo [as Kingman]: Okay, all the actors form a line! "Love Boat" on the left, "Fantasy Island" on the right!
Carla Stanley: Please, do something! We'll all be killed!
Crow: I guess she's in charge of panicking.
Servo [as Kingman]: Okay, all the actors form a line! "Love Boat" on the left, "Fantasy Island" on the right!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The villain has shot himself, but his pet cat is still alive.]
Joel: So that cat is going to have to take the rap for this whole thing?
Joel: So that cat is going to have to take the rap for this whole thing?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Star quarterback Tom Selleck narrowly escapes death in a sabotaged hot tub.]
Crow: Magnum, deep fried.
Crow: Magnum, deep fried.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The film ends just before the kickoff.]
Announcer: There's nothing quite like it. Super Bowl. Three hours from now the game will be history, but the lives of the players and fans alike will never be the same.
Servo: [annoyed] Who won?
Crow: I know I'll never be quite the same.
Joel: This movie's history.
Crow: We're history.
Joel: Let's go.
[Joel and Crow get up to leave. Servo hangs back.]
Servo: Who won? ... Who won? ... Who won the game?!
Announcer: There's nothing quite like it. Super Bowl. Three hours from now the game will be history, but the lives of the players and fans alike will never be the same.
Servo: [annoyed] Who won?
Crow: I know I'll never be quite the same.
Joel: This movie's history.
Crow: We're history.
Joel: Let's go.
[Joel and Crow get up to leave. Servo hangs back.]
Servo: Who won? ... Who won? ... Who won the game?!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After a helpful title card informs us that "What you are about to see could happen to any city, anywhere."]
Servo: Oh, good. ... It can happen in any city to any person. So wha–
[Barry Newman's credit appears.]
Crow: Like Barry Newman.
Servo: So stop watching TV and get ready for the big huge fire! The apocalypse that could happen this Sunday night.
Servo: Oh, good. ... It can happen in any city to any person. So wha–
[Barry Newman's credit appears.]
Crow: Like Barry Newman.
Servo: So stop watching TV and get ready for the big huge fire! The apocalypse that could happen this Sunday night.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Doctor Whitman is evacuating the children's ward.]
Dr. Whitman: You all know "Follow the Leader"?
Crow: This is called "Follow the Burning Doctor".
Dr. Whitman: You all know "Follow the Leader"?
Crow: This is called "Follow the Burning Doctor".
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A char-broiled paparazzi photographer is taunting Diana about some incriminating photos that he took of her and the Mayor.]
Servo [as Diana]: Doctor, I think we got our blood donor!
Servo [as Diana]: Doctor, I think we got our blood donor!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A woman is going into labor.]
Crow: Get a catcher's mitt!
Joel: Boil some water.
Crow: Boil some newspapers!
Crow: Get a catcher's mitt!
Joel: Boil some water.
Crow: Boil some newspapers!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: Kinda sorry Shelley bought it.
Joel: Yeah... kinda of a shame.
Tom: She bought it, but we paid for it.
Joel: Yeah... kinda of a shame.
Tom: She bought it, but we paid for it.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In response to Keiiche Abe's writing credit.]
Crow: Someone wants to admit that they wrote this?
Crow: Someone wants to admit that they wrote this?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Still shot of two gorillas]
Crow: Oh look, it's Shelly Winters and Ernest Borgnine.
Crow: Oh look, it's Shelly Winters and Ernest Borgnine.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[CIA agent Tommy (pop idol Frankie Avalon) waits while sexy Helga strips behind a curtain.]
Joel: Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain.
Crow: Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern.
. . .
Tommy: I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah!
Joel: Good one, Frankie. We'll make fun of the movie, if you don't mind!
Joel: Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain.
Crow: Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern.
. . .
Tommy: I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah!
Joel: Good one, Frankie. We'll make fun of the movie, if you don't mind!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Reporter: Everyone is asking the same question...
Servo: Why am I watching this?
Servo: Why am I watching this?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Towards the end of the movie, the titular dinosaurs finally appear and go on a confusing sort-of-a-rampage.]
Joel: It made more sense before there were any dinosaurs. I'm starting to miss that part of the movie.
Joel: It made more sense before there were any dinosaurs. I'm starting to miss that part of the movie.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Two mountain climbers have just spied the corpse of another.]
Mountaineer: His head! ... It was torn off!
Servo: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Mountaineer: His head! ... It was torn off!
Servo: You say that like it's a bad thing.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The train carrying some of the main characters arrives in Trollenberg.]
Servo [as Conductor]: Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death.
Servo [as Conductor]: Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A woman stares blankly at a mountain as bizarre music plays.]
Joel [as mountain]: [deeply] I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say.
Joel [as mountain]: [deeply] I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A woman is feeling faint after the giant eyes attacking the observatory have been killed and set ablaze by an air strike.]
Man: Let's get you outside and have some fresh air!
Servo: I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now.
Man: Let's get you outside and have some fresh air!
Servo: I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A door opens, revealing Retik, ruler of the moon, and two identically dressed minions.]
Crow [as Retik/Larry]: I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.
Crow [as Retik/Larry]: I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Commando Cody: Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth?
Servo [as Retik]: It's an election year.
Retik: Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion.
Commando Cody: Why do you want to invade the Earth?
Retik: Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses.
Joel [as Cody]: Get a humidifier!
Servo [as Retik]: It's an election year.
Retik: Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion.
Commando Cody: Why do you want to invade the Earth?
Retik: Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses.
Joel [as Cody]: Get a humidifier!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]
Dr. Almada: So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god Tezcatlipoca.
Joel [as Dr. Almada]: The god of decaffeinated coffee.
Dr. Almada: They were discovered by the tribal priests.
[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]
Servo [as Dr. Almada]: They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew how to handle a hungry man.
Dr. Almada: So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god Tezcatlipoca.
Joel [as Dr. Almada]: The god of decaffeinated coffee.
Dr. Almada: They were discovered by the tribal priests.
[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]
Servo [as Dr. Almada]: They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew how to handle a hungry man.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.]
Joel: Kind of looks like Dirty Dancing, doesn't it?
Servo [as Xochi]: [singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"]I've reached the end of my life
And I'm waiting for the knife to fall.
Joel: Kind of looks like Dirty Dancing, doesn't it?
Servo [as Xochi]: [singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"]I've reached the end of my life
And I'm waiting for the knife to fall.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The evil Dr. Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot".]
Dr. Krupp: Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test!
Joel: The Cosmo sex quiz?
Dr. Krupp: Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test!
Joel: The Cosmo sex quiz?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After the stars a list of names under "With" comes up.]
Joel: These are the extras...they'll probably get killed.
Joel: These are the extras...they'll probably get killed.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000