Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Nick and Lisa are trying to escape Robertson's building while also being chased by his guards. They come to a room with two routes; Nick quickly opens the door of one route and he and Lisa go down the other. The guards come in and see the open door of the false route.]
Guard: Come on, this way! [They run down the false route]
Mike [as Guard]: Even though I see them running the other way!
Guard: Come on, this way! [They run down the false route]
Mike [as Guard]: Even though I see them running the other way!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Lisa arrives at the airstrip, wearing two kinds of plaid]
Servo: Two kinds of plaid? Boy, I'm a naked robot, Mike, and even I know that's a fashion no-no.
Servo: Two kinds of plaid? Boy, I'm a naked robot, Mike, and even I know that's a fashion no-no.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo (As J.K.): I leave for 20 minutes, and EvilCo is in shambles!
Crow (As Matt): I'm a team player!
Crow (As Matt): I'm a team player!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-wearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle]
Mike [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart!
Mike [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The alarm makes a beeping noise similar to a large vehicle in reverse]
Servo: Great, now the garbage truck's backing up!
Servo: Great, now the garbage truck's backing up!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Nick and Lisa are shown together in the new, dystopian future]
Servo: I hope they end up together... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!!
Servo: I hope they end up together... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The credits display "The Producers Wish To Thank", followed by a VERY long list of people and organizations]
Servo: Wow, they are special thanking the HELL out of this movie!
. . .
Mike: All these people bear... some responsibility, you know.
[The penultimate "thanks" are to "The citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont"]
Servo: Which means I really, really hate the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont. I'm not kidding, Mike. I never liked the citizens and officials of stupid Rutland, Vermont! This is just the nail in the coffin, as far as I'm concerned. Go to hell, citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont!
Servo: Wow, they are special thanking the HELL out of this movie!
. . .
Mike: All these people bear... some responsibility, you know.
[The penultimate "thanks" are to "The citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont"]
Servo: Which means I really, really hate the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont. I'm not kidding, Mike. I never liked the citizens and officials of stupid Rutland, Vermont! This is just the nail in the coffin, as far as I'm concerned. Go to hell, citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Pearl is holding a pledge drive. Servo is trying to call in, but Mike is holding Servo's arm, stretching out the spring.]
Servo: Gimme! Come on, there's still much more to tote!
Mike: Let go of it, man!
Servo: Oh sure, Mike. Go watch your Websters, and your Facts of Lifeses, and your Who's The Bossesesses!
[Movie Sign goes off]
Mike: We got movie sign! [Mike lets go of Servo's hand, sending him flying off screen]
Servo: Gimme! Come on, there's still much more to tote!
Mike: Let go of it, man!
Servo: Oh sure, Mike. Go watch your Websters, and your Facts of Lifeses, and your Who's The Bossesesses!
[Movie Sign goes off]
Mike: We got movie sign! [Mike lets go of Servo's hand, sending him flying off screen]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The opening credits and movie's theme begin over an image of Raul Julia's head inside a golden electronic cube]
Mike: This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network.
Crow: It's a Raulbik's Cube!
Servo: Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was...
Mike: Oh no, don't say it!
Servo: ...Cube-in!
Mike: Ahhh.
[The cube begins to fade away]
Crow: Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie young man!
Servo [as Raul Julia]: But I'm signed to play Archbishop Romero!
Mike: This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network.
Crow: It's a Raulbik's Cube!
Servo: Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was...
Mike: Oh no, don't say it!
Servo: ...Cube-in!
Mike: Ahhh.
[The cube begins to fade away]
Crow: Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie young man!
Servo [as Raul Julia]: But I'm signed to play Archbishop Romero!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[New York City PBS affiliate WNET is credited]
Servo: That's the New York Public TV station! What, did Pearl accidentally send us "MacNeil-Lehrer Report"?
Servo: That's the New York Public TV station! What, did Pearl accidentally send us "MacNeil-Lehrer Report"?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Title card is shown]
Servo: [with monotone sarcasm] Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. That is funny.
Servo: [with monotone sarcasm] Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. That is funny.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: Wanda Cannon? Now that's a porno name if I ever head one! Not that I've ever heard one... You know, I don't subscribe to lots of publications or anything.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The gray-haired and fat head of NoviCorp is giving a speech during the opening credits.]
Mike: Wow. TV's Frank!
Servo: Wow. Frank's really come up in the world.
Mike: Wow. TV's Frank!
Servo: Wow. Frank's really come up in the world.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over a shot of Fingal's workplace]
Crow: SAT farms of the future!
Crow: SAT farms of the future!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Explaining Fingal's problem, secretly watching movies doing work]
Appalonia: He was working in the data flow center of NoviCorp as a processor third class. He had a terrible job: monitoring routine data output on global climate control.
[The Warner Brothers logo appears on Fingal's screen.]
Mike: And its effect on Bugs Bunny.
. . .
Servo: Man, never show a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie.
. . .
Appalonia: And he'd been doing it for a few weeks before they caught him doing it.
Mike [as Appalonia]: Data entrying with no pants.
. . .
[Fingal gets caught.]
Crow: We now return to Billy Madison.
Appalonia: He was working in the data flow center of NoviCorp as a processor third class. He had a terrible job: monitoring routine data output on global climate control.
[The Warner Brothers logo appears on Fingal's screen.]
Mike: And its effect on Bugs Bunny.
. . .
Servo: Man, never show a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie.
. . .
Appalonia: And he'd been doing it for a few weeks before they caught him doing it.
Mike [as Appalonia]: Data entrying with no pants.
. . .
[Fingal gets caught.]
Crow: We now return to Billy Madison.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Fingal has been sent to therapy.]
Mike: [on the therapist] It's Merv Griffin!
Computer: Ask about his mother.
Servo [as Computer]: Ask if she wears Army boots.
Mike: [on the therapist] It's Merv Griffin!
Computer: Ask about his mother.
Servo [as Computer]: Ask if she wears Army boots.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A shuttle passenger dashes empoverished Fingal's hopes of "doppling" into a stallion.]
Fingal: I got 47 credits. What kind of a dopple do you think that buys?
Shuttle Passenger: An anteater... maybe.
Crow: Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere!
Fingal: I got 47 credits. What kind of a dopple do you think that buys?
Shuttle Passenger: An anteater... maybe.
Crow: Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At Nirvana Village, workers pass by Fingal with "doppling" people on a tray.]
Servo: Oh, look. Must be a Jack-In-The-Box in the food court.
Servo: Oh, look. Must be a Jack-In-The-Box in the food court.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A boy looks at routing tags while the teacher is explaining what the colors mean.]
Boy: And blue, like this?
Teacher: Well, that's rather unusual. We can talk about it later.
Boy: Is it sexy?
Teacher: We'll talk about it later! Now come along, the class is waiting in the doppling room.
[The boy secretly switches a blue tag with a orange tag before leaving.]
Servo: [chuckling] The littlest sexual deviant.
. . .
[Later, the boy switches Fingal's green routing tag with the blue one.]
Servo: There's your precious Canadian healthcare system at work. [N]
Boy: And blue, like this?
Teacher: Well, that's rather unusual. We can talk about it later.
Boy: Is it sexy?
Teacher: We'll talk about it later! Now come along, the class is waiting in the doppling room.
[The boy secretly switches a blue tag with a orange tag before leaving.]
Servo: [chuckling] The littlest sexual deviant.
. . .
[Later, the boy switches Fingal's green routing tag with the blue one.]
Servo: There's your precious Canadian healthcare system at work. [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A medico and teacher stop restless little Desirée from playing with Fingal's exposed brain, while Marco looks for more mischief.]
Servo: Is it "Children of the Damned Day" at the brain institute here?
Servo: Is it "Children of the Damned Day" at the brain institute here?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Fingal's sleeping body is silhouetted against his identicube.]
Crow: Doctor Who... the hell cares!
Mike: You know, isn't it weird how life imitates art, and I'm, like, sleeping right now, too?
Crow: Doctor Who... the hell cares!
Mike: You know, isn't it weird how life imitates art, and I'm, like, sleeping right now, too?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Fingal has been "doppled" into a baboon.]
Fingal: At least I'm not an anteater.
Mike: This movie just hates anteaters!
. . .
Fingal: This cost me every credit I have?
Mike: He's gonna start flinging it any minute now!
. . .
Mike [as Fingal]: I'm as clumsy as a stupid, repulsive anteater!
Fingal: At least I'm not an anteater.
Mike: This movie just hates anteaters!
. . .
Fingal: This cost me every credit I have?
Mike: He's gonna start flinging it any minute now!
. . .
Mike [as Fingal]: I'm as clumsy as a stupid, repulsive anteater!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The "doppled" Fingal is looking at a giraffe.]
Fingal: What happened to him? He looks drunk to me!
Crow [as giraffe]: I'm on medication, okay?
Fingal: What happened to him? He looks drunk to me!
Crow [as giraffe]: I'm on medication, okay?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[An overhead shot of workers running around Nirvana Village trying to intercept a unauthorized communication.]
Servo [as Worker]: Embassy Suites is having a free brunch! Woo!
Servo [as Worker]: Embassy Suites is having a free brunch! Woo!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Fingal's identicube begins flahing red.]
Crow: Must be Christmas on the Borg ship.
Servo: [singing] See you on the dark side of Raul...
Crow: Must be Christmas on the Borg ship.
Servo: [singing] See you on the dark side of Raul...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Fingal is talking to Pierre, a Peter Lorre lookalike.]
Mike: It's Asian Pee-Wee.
. . .
Crow: Who's he trying to do? Jimmy Stewart? Uh, James Cagney. No, no, no, wait... John Kenneth Gaulbraith. No, no, no, Ram Jazz. Uh, Terry "Hulk" Hogan, maybe...
Mike: It's Asian Pee-Wee.
. . .
Crow: Who's he trying to do? Jimmy Stewart? Uh, James Cagney. No, no, no, wait... John Kenneth Gaulbraith. No, no, no, Ram Jazz. Uh, Terry "Hulk" Hogan, maybe...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000