Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful...
Crow [as Chapman]: Don't hit him...
Makonnen: ...if you just take the time to look at it.
Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen.
. . .
Mike [as Makonnen]: You know, Captain...
Crow [as Chapman]: Shut up, Ray.
. . .
[Chapman has just landed his ship solo]
Mike [as Chapman] Wow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful?
Crow [as Chapman]: Don't hit him...
Makonnen: ...if you just take the time to look at it.
Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen.
. . .
Mike [as Makonnen]: You know, Captain...
Crow [as Chapman]: Shut up, Ray.
. . .
[Chapman has just landed his ship solo]
Mike [as Chapman] Wow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After losing much of his oxygen during a space walk, Frank Chapman stumbles back into the ship's cockpit in a daze.]
Servo [as Chapman, sickly]: Ohh, I'm gonna puke and it's gonna float around!
Servo [as Chapman, sickly]: Ohh, I'm gonna puke and it's gonna float around!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Kobras: Get moving. Comb the area. Find him. Kill him.
Crow: Donald's only use for the word "comb".
Crow: Donald's only use for the word "comb".
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Puma Man drops one of Kobras' henchmen and he falls rather awkwardly thanks to some poorly synced background shots]
Mike [as the henchman]: Heeelp! I'm falling at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics!
...
[The henchman gets dropped again]
Servo [as the henchman]: My mustache makes me fall sideways!
Mike [as the henchman]: Heeelp! I'm falling at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics!
...
[The henchman gets dropped again]
Servo [as the henchman]: My mustache makes me fall sideways!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After Vicki passes out from exhaustion during her solo, the music is still playing on the reel-to-reel, with her voice still singing as well.]
Crow: She still lip-syncs better than Jewel.
Crow: She still lip-syncs better than Jewel.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Chapman starts having echoing auditory flashbacks to earlier parts of the movie. Mike and the bots' join the fun]
Servo: Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy...
Mike: Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed...
Crow: Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain
Mike: Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your credit rating?...rating...rating...
Crow: I'm afraid you're not 7-Eleven timber, Frank...Frank...Frank...
Servo: You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had...
Servo: Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy...
Mike: Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed...
Crow: Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain
Mike: Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your credit rating?...rating...rating...
Crow: I'm afraid you're not 7-Eleven timber, Frank...Frank...Frank...
Servo: You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]
Judge Eden: Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people.
Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself.
Servo [as Chapman]: …with courage and nudeness.
Judge Eden: Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people.
Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself.
Servo [as Chapman]: …with courage and nudeness.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Chapman is confused by Eden's explanation of how his ship was landed.]
Chapman: I don't understand.
Sessom: There are many things you will not understand here…
Crow [as Sessom]: …being an obvious doorknob.
Chapman: I don't understand.
Sessom: There are many things you will not understand here…
Crow [as Sessom]: …being an obvious doorknob.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Chapman is being tried while two women stand off to the side]
Servo: Look! Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery!
Servo: Look! Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.]
Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man.
Servo [as Jury]: [cheering]We find him GUILTY! GUILTY!
G-U-I-L … T-Y!
Guilty! Guilty!
G-U-I-L … T-Y!
Whoo! Yaaaay!
Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man.
Servo [as Jury]: [cheering]We find him GUILTY! GUILTY!
G-U-I-L … T-Y!
Guilty! Guilty!
G-U-I-L … T-Y!
Whoo! Yaaaay!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]
Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size.
Crow: So people are just balloons?
Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size.
Crow: So people are just balloons?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: You know, this is almost as good as 2001... nails driven into your eyes!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During another flashback sequence...]
Crow: We didn't like these scenes the first time!
. . .
[The flashback includes a moment that only happened a few scenes earlier.]
Crow: No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago!
Crow: We didn't like these scenes the first time!
. . .
[The flashback includes a moment that only happened a few scenes earlier.]
Crow: No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]
White: Chapman! Chapman!
Servo [as White]: You got any gum?
White: Where's Makonnen?
Chapman: He's dead. Gone.
Mike [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock.
White: Chapman! Chapman!
Servo [as White]: You got any gum?
White: Where's Makonnen?
Chapman: He's dead. Gone.
Mike [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The rescue ship flies away from Rheton]
Chapman: Now they'll never believe me...
Mike [as Chapman]: [Unemotionally] I'll have to kill them all.
Chapman: Now they'll never believe me...
Mike [as Chapman]: [Unemotionally] I'll have to kill them all.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Kobras: Sometimes there is more truth in legend than in history.
Mike [as Kobras]: And there's more salt in ham than in turkey.
Mike [as Kobras]: And there's more salt in ham than in turkey.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Jane: You can't hide this!
Kobras: Who is to prevent me?
Servo: A halfway smart guy with muscles and hair?
Kobras: Who is to prevent me?
Servo: A halfway smart guy with muscles and hair?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A man is hurled out an office building window.]
Mike: We're downsizing, Steve!
Mike: We're downsizing, Steve!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A newspaper headline is shown reading "Fourth American killed in a few days. Will there be other victims?"]
Crow: Call our 900 number and vote.
Crow: Call our 900 number and vote.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tony punches through an attic roof, which crumbles easily.]
Mike: Luckily they made their house out of peanut brittle.
Mike: Luckily they made their house out of peanut brittle.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: [Singing to the Puma Man theme music] Puma Man! He flies like a moron!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Aztec priest Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.]
Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does.
Crow [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Castaneda.
Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does.
Crow [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Castaneda.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.]
Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it.
Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will!
Mike [as Jane]: But my will won't!
Jane: I— I— I can't! He's commanding me from a distance.
Servo: Amelia Airhead.
Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it.
Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will!
Mike [as Jane]: But my will won't!
Jane: I— I— I can't! He's commanding me from a distance.
Servo: Amelia Airhead.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.]
Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death!
Servo [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes!
Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death!
Servo [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Kobras: Because you come from Earth...
Servo [as Kobras]: Corn grows in you.
Kobras: And to Earth you shall return!
Mike: Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him.
Servo [as Kobras]: Corn grows in you.
Kobras: And to Earth you shall return!
Mike: Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.]
Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone.
Mike: To be left alone—the goal of every great hero!
Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone.
Mike: To be left alone—the goal of every great hero!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Vadinho has gone aboard the alien space craft and it goes off into the sun set.]
Mike: And we hear the dim cry of an anal probe.
Mike: And we hear the dim cry of an anal probe.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mike is lagging behind, so Servo and Crow enter the theater alone. Title card is shown.]
Servo: I don't know, you had him last! [laughs]
Crow: You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike!
Servo: Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? [laughs]
[Mike enters.]
Mike: Hey, guys.
Servo: [screams] YAH!
Crow: Mike, the title came up and it said Werewolf, and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke...
Mike: [chuckles] Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that!
Servo: Thank you!
Crow: [backpedaling] Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it.
[Mike finishes chuckling]
Crow: [sighs, defeated] Good one, Servo.
Servo: [gloating] Well, thank you! [chuckles]
Servo: I don't know, you had him last! [laughs]
Crow: You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike!
Servo: Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? [laughs]
[Mike enters.]
Mike: Hey, guys.
Servo: [screams] YAH!
Crow: Mike, the title came up and it said Werewolf, and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke...
Mike: [chuckles] Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that!
Servo: Thank you!
Crow: [backpedaling] Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it.
[Mike finishes chuckling]
Crow: [sighs, defeated] Good one, Servo.
Servo: [gloating] Well, thank you! [chuckles]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A group is sweeping in the sand during an archaeological dig in the desert.]
Billy: Hey, I got something here!
Crow: It's Ron!
Billy: Hey, I got something here!
Crow: It's Ron!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000