Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Rowsdower and Troy enter an abandoned shack, Pipper's house, and discover food inside.]
Troy: FOOD!
Crow [as Rowsdower]: Yeah, no beer, though.
Pipper: Hey! Who goes there?!
Servo [as Troy]: More FOOD!
Pipper: What the hell you doin' here?!
Crow [as Troy]: We were eating your FOOD!
Troy: FOOD!
Crow [as Rowsdower]: Yeah, no beer, though.
Pipper: Hey! Who goes there?!
Servo [as Troy]: More FOOD!
Pipper: What the hell you doin' here?!
Crow [as Troy]: We were eating your FOOD!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Rowsdower and Troy encounter Mike Pipper, a crazy old hermit, who holds them at gunpoint.]
Pipper: McGreggor? Troy McGreggor? ...Thomas's son?
Troy: Yeah! Did you know him?
Servo [as Pipper]: Know him? He was delicious!
Pipper: McGreggor? Troy McGreggor? ...Thomas's son?
Troy: Yeah! Did you know him?
Servo [as Pipper]: Know him? He was delicious!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Rowsdower is trudging up a hill]
Mike: Hey, how'd he get his pants clean?
Servo: Say what you want about the filthy, grizzled guy, he does a good load of laundry.
. . .
Crow: [singing]You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, shovin' those sandwiches into your face, singing...
Crow and Servo: We will, we will ROWSDOWER!
Crow: SING IT!
[Servo stops singing, but Crow keeps going.]
Crow: We will, we... [normally] Oh, guess that's over.
Mike: Hey, how'd he get his pants clean?
Servo: Say what you want about the filthy, grizzled guy, he does a good load of laundry.
. . .
Crow: [singing]You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, shovin' those sandwiches into your face, singing...
Crow and Servo: We will, we will ROWSDOWER!
Crow: SING IT!
[Servo stops singing, but Crow keeps going.]
Crow: We will, we... [normally] Oh, guess that's over.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During the final confrontation Troy picks up a rifle and shoots Satoris in the back, who slowly turns to face him.]
Servo [as Satoris]: You shot me in the butt! What the hell?! You shot me IN THE BUTT!
Servo [as Satoris]: You shot me in the butt! What the hell?! You shot me IN THE BUTT!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The group sing as music plays and the credits start to roll]
Servo: Oh baby, Rowsdower saves us and saves all the world!
Crow: He comes to save the day in a broken truck.
Mike: With a stinky denim jacket on his back.
Crow: He couldn't help this movie, which really sucked!
Mike: But at least we didn't have to see him play [falters] h-hackey sack....
Servo: What?!
Mike: Sorry, I panicked.
Servo: Oh baby, Rowsdower saves us and saves all the world!
Crow: He comes to save the day in a broken truck.
Mike: With a stinky denim jacket on his back.
Crow: He couldn't help this movie, which really sucked!
Mike: But at least we didn't have to see him play [falters] h-hackey sack....
Servo: What?!
Mike: Sorry, I panicked.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The film's title is shown.]
Servo: The story of AleisterCrappie!
Servo: The story of AleisterCrappie!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Coming aboard the Seaquarium, Stella and Peter are looking for Dr. Janet.]
Peter: Janet! Janet!
Servo [as Peter]: Oh, sorry, I forgot. I'm nasty, Miss Jackson!
Peter: Janet! Janet!
Servo [as Peter]: Oh, sorry, I forgot. I'm nasty, Miss Jackson!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mad scientist Dr. Davis, armed with a gun, confronts WOI head Dr. West.]
Dr. Davis: Anyone who has the chance to tap the enormous reserves of the sea… will have the future, Doctor.
Dr. West: In his hands.
Dr. Davis: Exactly.
Crow [as Davis]: Yeah, thanks for helping me out there.
Dr. Davis: Anyone who has the chance to tap the enormous reserves of the sea… will have the future, Doctor.
Dr. West: In his hands.
Dr. Davis: Exactly.
Crow [as Davis]: Yeah, thanks for helping me out there.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Several squads of locals have volunteered to help the police and Coast Guard track down and burn the Devil Fish, while Peter acts as bait. They pour pink-tinted gasoline in the water.]
Crow [as Sheriff Gordon]: Deploy the Countrytime Pink Lemonade!
Servo: I bet they hired every nature-hating psycho in Dade County.
Crow [as Sheriff Gordon]: Deploy the Countrytime Pink Lemonade!
Servo: I bet they hired every nature-hating psycho in Dade County.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Shot of skinny woman in bikini on raft]
Servo: See the Human Lady!
Servo: See the Human Lady!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[That night, the squads are still looking for the Devil Fish.]
Sheriff Gordon: Squad number one. Report in.
Squad Member: Squad number one, Sheriff. Ain't seen nothing yet.
Crow [as Squad Member]: B-b-b-baby, we ain't seen n-n-nothing yet, over.
. . .
Sheriff Gordon: Squad number two. Squad number two!
Servo [as dead squad member]: We done been et, over!
. . .
Sheriff Gordon: Squad number two. Squad number two!
Crow: Oh, they'll be number two soon enough.
. . .
[The rednecks of Squad Number Two become a light snack for the Devil Fish.]
Servo [as Devil Fish]: [singing to Neil Young's "Southern Man"] Southern man, gonna eat your head!
. . .
[The Sheriff and the other squads arrive and again pour gasoline into the water.]
Crow: Well, this should take care of every living thing in the Everglades.
. . .
[The squads are playing flamethrowers over the gasoline, cooking the Devil Fish.]
Servo [as Sheriff]: Okay, now, throw in the diced onions and celery and chopped porcini mushrooms!
Crow: Does the Coast Guard have a lot of use for flamethrowers?
. . .
[Close up of burning water.]
Mike: Eww, someone threw a match on the Cuyahoga River.
Sheriff Gordon: Squad number one. Report in.
Squad Member: Squad number one, Sheriff. Ain't seen nothing yet.
Crow [as Squad Member]: B-b-b-baby, we ain't seen n-n-nothing yet, over.
. . .
Sheriff Gordon: Squad number two. Squad number two!
Servo [as dead squad member]: We done been et, over!
. . .
Sheriff Gordon: Squad number two. Squad number two!
Crow: Oh, they'll be number two soon enough.
. . .
[The rednecks of Squad Number Two become a light snack for the Devil Fish.]
Servo [as Devil Fish]: [singing to Neil Young's "Southern Man"] Southern man, gonna eat your head!
. . .
[The Sheriff and the other squads arrive and again pour gasoline into the water.]
Crow: Well, this should take care of every living thing in the Everglades.
. . .
[The squads are playing flamethrowers over the gasoline, cooking the Devil Fish.]
Servo [as Sheriff]: Okay, now, throw in the diced onions and celery and chopped porcini mushrooms!
Crow: Does the Coast Guard have a lot of use for flamethrowers?
. . .
[Close up of burning water.]
Mike: Eww, someone threw a match on the Cuyahoga River.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow [as Gumby]: One of my classmates died in the kiln today, mother.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[One of the robots doing Gumby's yardwork drives its lawnmower through the fence into the next yard.]
Crow: Hey, don't! That's Wallace and Gromit's yard!
[Another robot chops down a tree.]
Mike: Hey! That's old-growth clay!
. . .
[Another robot is ripping slats from the garage.]
Crow: Habitat Against Humanity.
Crow: Hey, don't! That's Wallace and Gromit's yard!
[Another robot chops down a tree.]
Mike: Hey! That's old-growth clay!
. . .
[Another robot is ripping slats from the garage.]
Crow: Habitat Against Humanity.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Gumby's dad Gumbo arrives at the house, where we see a cloud — actually, a piece of white fluff — stuck on the construction-paper sky.]
Crow [as Weatherman]: It's a fair to partly-cottony day…
Crow [as Weatherman]: It's a fair to partly-cottony day…
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Gumby's Mother: Such clever boys certainly deserve crackers with their milk!
Servo: Crackers? Wow! Maybe they can have white rice later!
Servo: Crackers? Wow! Maybe they can have white rice later!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A robot is digging up the flower garden.]
Crow [as mobster]: Gotta move this body back upstate.
Crow [as mobster]: Gotta move this body back upstate.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A robot throws a wrench at Gumbo, which goes through him and leaves a wrench-shaped hole in his torso.]
Servo: Liquid metal!
[The camera cuts to Gumby's reaction.]
Mike [as Gumby]: Hey, you can throw things through Dad! I'm gonna get an anvil!
Servo: Liquid metal!
[The camera cuts to Gumby's reaction.]
Mike [as Gumby]: Hey, you can throw things through Dad! I'm gonna get an anvil!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Gumbo flies through the air and lands, legs spread, on the roof of the neighboring house.]
Mike [as Gumbo]: Thank goodness for the internal genitalia!
Mike [as Gumbo]: Thank goodness for the internal genitalia!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Gumby's stacked mother gives a stern look at a robot who's invaded the house.]
Crow [as Gumby's Mother]: That squares my breasts!
Crow [as Gumby's Mother]: That squares my breasts!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A robot head hangs over a garage door with the words, "THE END".]
Servo: Aah! They hung his head! Oh…
Crow: Now I'm ready for years of powerful Adlerian therapy, Mike.
Servo: They hung his head... oh... oh this is worse than Se7en!
Servo: Aah! They hung his head! Oh…
Crow: Now I'm ready for years of powerful Adlerian therapy, Mike.
Servo: They hung his head... oh... oh this is worse than Se7en!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Eric: Jenni, this is Mickey.
Mike [as Eric]: Mickey's a wide-awake nightmare!
Mike [as Eric]: Mickey's a wide-awake nightmare!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jenni goes to Marian's room, grabs a skull she found in the chifforobe, and flings it out the window.]
Servo: Alas, poor Yorick! She threw him well!
Servo: Alas, poor Yorick! She threw him well!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jenni pours her heart out to Reverend Snow, who looks grim.]
Mike [as Rev. Snow]: Have you tried talking to your minister about this?
Mike [as Rev. Snow]: Have you tried talking to your minister about this?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The face on Marian's tombstone briefly appears to morph into a skull as Eric looks at it.]
Servo [as Eric]: Don't you make that skull face at me, missy!
Servo [as Eric]: Don't you make that skull face at me, missy!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Jenni runs from Marian's ghost, the soundtrack has a soprano singing an erratic sequence of creepy notes.]
Servo: Kiri Te Kanawa is drunk again!
Servo: Kiri Te Kanawa is drunk again!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jenni, back in the house, is shrieking uncontrollably.]
Crow: Oh, great! She's playing her Yoko Ono albums.
Mike: I think the title was supposed to be "Screaming, semicolon, Skull".
Crow: Oh, great! She's playing her Yoko Ono albums.
Mike: I think the title was supposed to be "Screaming, semicolon, Skull".
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[There is a long scene of continuous knocking at the door]
Mike: Martin Luther is nailing each thesis individually.
Mike: Martin Luther is nailing each thesis individually.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Eric flees to the stairs, where a skull tumbles down toward him.]
Crow: Everyone knows it's Slink-skull!
Crow: Everyone knows it's Slink-skull!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: So, this movie's kind of a combination of "The Tell-Tale Heart", Blithe Spirit, and...well, a piece of lint, I guess.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The skull is throw out the window and hits the ground rolling, landing right side up.]
Crow: Woof.
Crow: Woof.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000