Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[As the movie opens, the Runaway (Swiss martial-arts actor Daniel Bernhardt) creeps along a wall.]
Servo: Hey, it's Jean Claude Van Damme!
Mike: Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.
[Armed with a shotgun, Fred, a hefty African-American man, follows him.]
Crow [as Fred]: Am I Ving Rhames? I can't remember.
Servo: Hey, it's Jean Claude Van Damme!
Mike: Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.
[Armed with a shotgun, Fred, a hefty African-American man, follows him.]
Crow [as Fred]: Am I Ving Rhames? I can't remember.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A midget Tyrannosaurus rex (actually a hand puppet) growls at the Runaway in an alley.]
Crow: He's a Cute-a-saurus!
[The T-Rex lunges for the Runaway's neck]
Servo: He's being attacked by a schnauzer in a dinosaur costume.
[The Runaway stabs the creature in the neck and he goes down quickly.]
Mike: [laughs] Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs?
[Shortly after the Runaway escapes, the dinosaur explodes.]
Servo: Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare!
Crow: He's a Cute-a-saurus!
[The T-Rex lunges for the Runaway's neck]
Servo: He's being attacked by a schnauzer in a dinosaur costume.
[The Runaway stabs the creature in the neck and he goes down quickly.]
Mike: [laughs] Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs?
[Shortly after the Runaway escapes, the dinosaur explodes.]
Servo: Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A homeless man is attacked and eaten by a dinosaur.]
Mike: You know, when you're living in a dumpster, this has to be the last thing you worry about.
Mike: You know, when you're living in a dumpster, this has to be the last thing you worry about.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Runaway flees through a shipping yard and throws obviously empty cardboard boxes at his pursuer.]
Mike: Boxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight.
. . .
Mike: Maybe they ship fully inflated balloons overseas?
. . .
[The Runaway finds himself at a dead end among the boxes.]
Crow: He's boxed in!
Mike: Yeah, well, I'm card-bored.
Mike: Boxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight.
. . .
Mike: Maybe they ship fully inflated balloons overseas?
. . .
[The Runaway finds himself at a dead end among the boxes.]
Crow: He's boxed in!
Mike: Yeah, well, I'm card-bored.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[from a high-angle shot, the main character throws a harpoon and clearly hits nothing, but the puppet dinosaur keels over]
Crow [as Daniel Bernhardt]: So when you edit this, it's going to look like I hit him, right?
Crow [as Daniel Bernhardt]: So when you edit this, it's going to look like I hit him, right?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Ann: Hey, how did you know who I was?
Officer: Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go.
Mike: Fred Burrows?
Servo: Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows.
Officer: Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go.
Mike: Fred Burrows?
Servo: Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Shot of the Runaway in a jail cell]
Crow [as the Runaway]: Fred Burrows! Help me!
Crow [as the Runaway]: Fred Burrows! Help me!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Characters are hunting dinosaurs, with incessant deep bell music]
Mike: According to the bells, it's 97 o'clock.
Mike: According to the bells, it's 97 o'clock.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Shot of a bomb timer, counting down extremely quickly]
Crow: Introducing new, faster seconds!
Crow: Introducing new, faster seconds!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the Runaway fights the Cyborg, the camera cuts to Ann fidgeting nervously]
Crow [as Ann]: I'm fretting. See, audience? I'm fretting.
Crow [as Ann]: I'm fretting. See, audience? I'm fretting.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: This isn't a real movie, it's more of a movie loaf.
Mike: Yeah, it's made from real movie parts, chunked and formed.
Mike: Yeah, it's made from real movie parts, chunked and formed.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During one of the many, many inept action scenes.]
Crow: OK, my theory is that the director shot the entire movie without looking at it.
Crow: OK, my theory is that the director shot the entire movie without looking at it.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Runaway and the Cyborg Master's fight is filled with various continuity errors, as pointed out by Mike.]
Mike: Huh??
Servo: The movie that packs more "Huhs" per second!
Mike: Huh??
Servo: The movie that packs more "Huhs" per second!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The opening credits show: "Blood Waters of Dr. Z".]
Servo: Blood waters, huh? Guess Dr. Z had a little kidney problem.
Servo: Blood waters, huh? Guess Dr. Z had a little kidney problem.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Close-up of some unidentifiable part of a fish.]
Mike: Please enjoy a fish anus.
Mike: Please enjoy a fish anus.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mad narrator Dr. Leopold discusses how the walking catfish moves.]
Narrator: Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of the tail.
Crow [as Narrator]: ...like Courtney Love.
Narrator: Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of the tail.
Crow [as Narrator]: ...like Courtney Love.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Leopold the fish monster attacks a swimming beauty in a bikini.]
Mike: He's a Cop-a-feel-acanth.
Mike: He's a Cop-a-feel-acanth.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[INPIT agent Martha Walsh begins to strip out of her jumpsuit.]
Servo: Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit?
Crow: A-are you sure you're buying the right kind of jumpsuit?
Mike: Hmmm...
Servo: Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit?
Crow: A-are you sure you're buying the right kind of jumpsuit?
Mike: Hmmm...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Leopold lumbers into town after having turned himself into a half-man, half-catfish monster.]
Servo: [excited] Oh! Oh! Oh! You know who they need to take care of him? Huh? Do you know? Huh? Do you know? Catfish Hunter, that's who! Ha ha ha!
Mike: [unimpressed] Hmm... that doesn't really work for me. See, the guy changed his name.
Crow: Yeah, to Catfish Chapstick, so the joke doesn't work.
Servo: [deflated] Oh... but it was a good joke! Wordplay like that doesn't come around so often.
Mike: But it only works if you get the correct, current name.
Servo: [disappointed] So the joke doesn't work? Sheesh...
. . .
Mike: Tom, are... are you sulking?
Servo: [angrily] No!
Mike: Yes you are, look—look, I'm sorry. It was a good joke...
Crow: No! No it wasn't, Mike, 'cause his name is Catfish Chapstick...
Mike: Ssshh! He's suffered enough.
Servo: [excited] Oh! Oh! Oh! You know who they need to take care of him? Huh? Do you know? Huh? Do you know? Catfish Hunter, that's who! Ha ha ha!
Mike: [unimpressed] Hmm... that doesn't really work for me. See, the guy changed his name.
Crow: Yeah, to Catfish Chapstick, so the joke doesn't work.
Servo: [deflated] Oh... but it was a good joke! Wordplay like that doesn't come around so often.
Mike: But it only works if you get the correct, current name.
Servo: [disappointed] So the joke doesn't work? Sheesh...
. . .
Mike: Tom, are... are you sulking?
Servo: [angrily] No!
Mike: Yes you are, look—look, I'm sorry. It was a good joke...
Crow: No! No it wasn't, Mike, 'cause his name is Catfish Chapstick...
Mike: Ssshh! He's suffered enough.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The main titles appear in the opening credits.]
Servo: And the legend continues... to be not heard about, by anyone!
Servo: And the legend continues... to be not heard about, by anyone!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During a scene set amongst ardent University of Arkansas football fans.]
Mike: A razorback hat lacks the quiet dignity of a cheese wedge.
Mike: A razorback hat lacks the quiet dignity of a cheese wedge.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As a subplot comes to an entirely unsatisfying end.]
Servo: And so, the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying rat.
Servo: And so, the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying rat.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Narrator "Doc" Lockhart introduces himself and his travelling companions.]
Doc: Leslie Ann Walker. All I know about her is she's a good friend of... Tanya Yazzie, my prize student.
Servo [as Doc]: Prize student in that she gets Cs, but she's really cute.
Doc: Leslie Ann Walker. All I know about her is she's a good friend of... Tanya Yazzie, my prize student.
Servo [as Doc]: Prize student in that she gets Cs, but she's really cute.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike [as Lockhart]: We're goin' camping, and you're gonna watch.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Doc enters a backwater country store which has no obvious merchandise, other than a turquoise, plastic pith helmet.]
Crow [as Lockhart]: Do ya'll have any turquoise, plastic pith helmets?
Crow [as Lockhart]: Do ya'll have any turquoise, plastic pith helmets?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Doc and party get ready to leave the backwater country store.]
Servo: Ya'll like to contribute to our fund for the War against Northern Aggression?
Servo: Ya'll like to contribute to our fund for the War against Northern Aggression?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tim is walking around shirtless]
Crow: Geez, kid, do a push-up.
Crow: Geez, kid, do a push-up.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In a flashback scene, the Creature and a farmer stare at each other through the farmer's barn.]
Mike [as the Creature]: Well, I'll be damned... farmers do exist!
Mike [as the Creature]: Well, I'll be damned... farmers do exist!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Shirtless Tim walks up to someone's front door.]
Crow [as Tim]: Can I borrow a cup of shirt?
Crow [as Tim]: Can I borrow a cup of shirt?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tanya, with long dark hair and apparently wearing no undergarments, runs through the woods.]
Servo: Lucy Bra-less!
Servo: Lucy Bra-less!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000